I Expected More from Dakota Fanning’s Ass

By Lex June 25, 2014 @ 9:01 AM

I’m emotionally incapable of experiencing feelings of disappointment. It’s really just a matter of calibrating your happiness expectations to that of meth addicted stripper working the Reno-Sparks corridor. But as somebody who’s watched every Dakota Fanning movie ever from the balcony while sporting a trench coat, I’d have to admit I’m a bit disappointed in her role in Very Good Girls. It’s one of those indie movies bound to have the non-starving Olsen sister in it and inevitably has been in the can at least two years before you ever get to see it direct to Croation Hulu. The insidious press bastards suggested that Dakota was so avant garde, she was going to be naked in this movie. She’s not. And even the single shot of her bare ass was somewhat underwhelming compared to my Dakota Fanning albino fantasy art drawings. I don’t know who I sue to feel whole again, but I will be asking for a cut of I Am Sam with retarded Sean Penn edited out all scenes.

Dakota Fanning Three Steps Closer to Invisible

By Lex June 04, 2013 @ 1:41 PM

Dakota Fanning In Low Cut Shirt Arriving At LAX
Dakota Fanning is cute as a button, but just wait until she’s lost all melanin in her skin and she goes completely invisible. She’s going to fuck shit up. All those casting directors who touched her as a child? Dead. Mike Myers for ruining The Cat in the Hat? Killed in his sleep, no witnesses. Shits going down when the White Widow goes hunting.

Here’s Dakota Fanning returning from a brief vacation. She doesn’t like the sun. Or bras.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, FameFlynet

dakota fanning is a queen

By brendon November 02, 2009 @ 3:13 PM


Dakota Fanning really is a cheerleader at Campbell Hall Episcopal High School in North Hollywood, and this weekend she was named a member of the Homecoming Court and then Homecoming Queen during a football game.

If this whole thing seems adorably yet suspiciously normal, that’s because Dakota is the same age as Ali Lohan. Dakota goes to school and looks and acts 15 because she’s 15. Ali looks 44 because she doesn’t go to school and spends her nights in bars with her idol, Lindsay. Then she stumbles home at 6am and says “is this my apartment” before passing out on a couch. Some time later she’ll wake up and vaguely remember a dream about getting trained and wonder why her vagina now makes a whistling sound when she walks around and air passes over it.

(source = pacific coast news)

which one is dakota fanning?

By brendon February 13, 2009 @ 5:29 AM

I hate when pictures aren’t labeled, because Dakota Fanning was allegedly at the NAACP Image Awards last night, but I can't spot her.  Where is she?  Which one is Dakota?!?!?!

(image source = getty images)


By brendon October 30, 2008 @ 9:52 AM

Jocelyn, who I hear used to bang Colin Farrell, wrote me an email to explain what the name "Dakota" means in the South Pacific.  Hint: it would be awesome if Dakota Fanning went there with a name tag on.

"Dakota" means "Let's fuck" in a Melanesian dialect in the island nation of Vanuatu (which is near New Zealand in the South Pacific).  On the Vanuatu island of Ambae, "da" is the "we/us" pronoun, and "kota" is the verb for "fuck."  I was a Peace Corps volunteer in Vanuatu, and I was stationed on the island of Ambae, which is where that phrase is used.

I'm a fancy celebrity, so I have no interest in helping the less fortunate like Jocelyn does, and so I have to assume what she says is true.  Who am I, Mr. Owl, what the hell do I know?  I don't know what words mean.  I don't even understand how cameras work.  Why would Jocelyn make this up?  Are you calling her a liar?  YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!!!


By brendon October 20, 2008 @ 7:45 AM

These pictures of Dakota Fanning (who is just 14, so put it away) aren’t from some movie.  She really is a cheerleader for her high school in LA.  I guess she's perfect because she's little and cheerleaders need someone little to throw into the air.  And someone thick to catch them.  It’s the one place thick girls can really shine in high school.  It's one way for them to be popular.  They also get popular at summer camp if they have an Olympics at the end of the session with a hot dog eating contest.  They also tend to do anal.  You can read more about the contributions girls like this have made in my book, Thick Girls: A History of High Schools Unsung Heroes.

(picture source = pacific coast news)