Dakota Fanning really is a cheerleader at Campbell Hall Episcopal High School in North Hollywood, and this weekend she was named a member of the Homecoming Court and then Homecoming Queen during a football game.
If this whole thing seems adorably yet suspiciously normal, that’s because Dakota is the same age as Ali Lohan. Dakota goes to school and looks and acts 15 because she’s 15. Ali looks 44 because she doesn’t go to school and spends her nights in bars with her idol, Lindsay. Then she stumbles home at 6am and says “is this my apartment” before passing out on a couch. Some time later she’ll wake up and vaguely remember a dream about getting trained and wonder why her vagina now makes a whistling sound when she walks around and air passes over it.
(source = pacific coast news)
I hate when pictures aren’t labeled, because Dakota Fanning was allegedly at the NAACP Image Awards last night, but I can't spot her. Where is she? Which one is Dakota?!?!?!
(image source = getty images)
Jocelyn, who I hear used to bang Colin Farrell, wrote me an email to explain what the name "Dakota" means in the South Pacific. Hint: it would be awesome if Dakota Fanning went there with a name tag on.
"Dakota" means "Let's fuck" in a Melanesian dialect in the island nation of Vanuatu (which is near New Zealand in the South Pacific). On the Vanuatu island of Ambae, "da" is the "we/us" pronoun, and "kota" is the verb for "fuck." I was a Peace Corps volunteer in Vanuatu, and I was stationed on the island of Ambae, which is where that phrase is used.
I'm a fancy celebrity, so I have no interest in helping the less fortunate like Jocelyn does, and so I have to assume what she says is true. Who am I, Mr. Owl, what the hell do I know? I don't know what words mean. I don't even understand how cameras work. Why would Jocelyn make this up? Are you calling her a liar? YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!!!
These pictures of Dakota Fanning (who is just 14, so put it away) aren’t from some movie. She really is a cheerleader for her high school in LA. I guess she's perfect because she's little and cheerleaders need someone little to throw into the air. And someone thick to catch them. It’s the one place thick girls can really shine in high school. It's one way for them to be popular. They also get popular at summer camp if they have an Olympics at the end of the session with a hot dog eating contest. They also tend to do anal. You can read more about the contributions girls like this have made in my book, Thick Girls: A History of High Schools Unsung Heroes.
(picture source = pacific coast news)
TOM CRUISE IS SEXY - I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m bragging, but I’m fuckin hot, so I know sexy when I see it, and Tom Cruise is sexier than ever. He could totally be a plus-sized model. (more pictures over on Splash)
EVERYONE HATES PARIS HILTON - Page Six says that Paris Hilton probably bought the giant (and fake) “engagement ring” she’s been sporting lately to fuel speculation that on-again/off-again boyfriend Stavros Niarchos has proposed to her. The fact is that Stavors probably never will, because his family hates her.
"They refused to meet her last year when Paris and Stavros had dated for a while. Paris even followed him and his family to Hawaii, where they go every New Year's, and they still wouldn't meet her. They think she's tacky."
Hm. I wonder if Paris would believe me if I told her I have a magic donkey that will make Stavros' family fall in love with her. And I'll sell it for a million dollars. And then Paris will barge into their house with the donkey and say, "Love Donkey - DO YOUR STUFF!" I figure there's at least a 98 percent she'll believe me.
DAKOTA FANNING IS DEFENSIVE - 12-year-old Dakota Fanning is defending her latest movie which has come under fire because of a scene where she is raped. To recap, Dakota Fanning is 12. She says, "I don't think that anybody should be talking about it yet because nobody's seen it yet, you know? . . . It's a wonderful film, and I'm really proud to be in it. I can't wait for people to see it."
Whore.
The New York Daily News stopped Denzel Washington last night on the red carpet for the premier of his new movie "Déjà Vu", and he gave the expected answer when asked what he was working on next:
"I'm working on eating some turkey, going home, putting my feet up, watching TV and getting fat. I'm going to do a good job at it, too!"
He did not give the expected answer when asked who the hottest actress he ever worked with was:
"Dakota, by far - she's the hottest of the bunch!"
That would be Dakota Fanning. Who is 13. Rawr! What a sexy story. Denzel should send her some gummi worms and a snap bracelet. If Dakota doesn't respond to that, she must be like a total ice princess.
