I don’t ask a lot from my sex movies. I do politely request that the chicks have bigger tits than the dudes, but I’m not a child who believes all pornography was shot just for him. It’s about Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson’s boyish daughter learning that a woman’s pleasure is derived from being helpless and submissive to a male model with amazing abs. Plenty of feminists are up in arms since their pleasure is derived from the exact opposite formulation. To each their own. Consenting adults should be able to bang their genitals anyway they please provided you don’t have to hear them through the common walls of your apartment. Lipstick lesbian sex excluded, naturally. You or somebody you know went to see this movie. They probably said it was horrible, but they’re lying. They liked it. Whip out some fur coated handcuffs and smile knowingly at them. Unless it’s your buddy from the rec softball league. You don’t want to know his answer.
The entire reason for attractive people to get married is to make good looking daughters. All those fights and cheating and acrimonious divorces and hate-filled boozed up evenings are the small sacrifice for making hot girls with minimal wisdom points. Every reasonably equipped male knows those girls are the prize of the herd. Wow, your parents sound so selfish, you want to make out in my van?
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
Even though the film about ass spanking couldn’t find an actress with an ass, I’m feeling pretty optimistic about Fifty Shades of Grey. Twenty million suburban housewives simultaneously flicking their beans can’t possibly be wrong. Remember when those same ladies started becoming moist over Boston Market? Next thing you know that mediocre meatloaf was available with two sides on every corner of this great land. These ladies’ clits are like modern day sybils at Delphi, dispensing the final word on what shall live and what shall die in our economy. Fifty Shades of Grey will make bank, even if we all have to wait another full year to see Christian Grey discipline that flat ass.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
I tried getting my lady to submit to my dominance one time. For my efforts I received a fist punch to the sac and having to listen to her giggle to her girlfriend on the phone about how stupid my cape looked. Part of the equation is definitely being just one good looking kind of man. Then women will let you get away with all kinds of shit. Like believing you when you say they’re the only girl you’re seeing. Or letting you go bareback because if they ever got knocked up, you’d be there for her every step of the way. Normal looking shlubs can’t get away with obvious lies. Let alone spanking their secretaries. You’ll get slapped with a harassment claim and an unkind office nickname that never goes away. In summary, try to be good looking if at all possible.
Charlie Hunnam with the stupid cowboy walk and Dakota Johnson got cast to be the leads in 50 Shades of Grey. Now I can be doubly excited about never going to see this movie.
Photo Credit: Details Magazine