I didn’t want to ruin the surprise in the headline but last night was the finale for the twelfth season of ‘Dancing With The Stars’, and in the end, it came down to Kirstie Alley, a morbidly obese lump in her 60’s, and Hines Ward, the wide receiver from the Pittsburgh Steelers, one of the best pure athletes to ever play college football, a Super Bowl MVP and two-time Super Bowl champion.
Both had obstacles to overcome. Hines has been dealing with torn ligaments in his left thumb. Kirstie can’t leave the house for extended periods because standard toilets are too small and too flimsy.
But there could be only one winner.
- – SPOILER ALERT – -
Surprisingly enough, Hines Ward, the person who earns millions of dollars for his supreme, world class athletic ability, was a better dancer than this. An old lady who can’t dance by any reasonable definition. All she does is walk around the room at a normal pace, but while lifting her feet slightly higher than usual. It’s like watching someone walk on hot sand set to music.
Kirstie Alley lost her shoe in the middle of her performance on Dancing With The Stars last night, but since her partner does all work, all the “heavy lifting” if you will, it was fine. And now people are starting to say she could win the whole show. Which is amazing because 95 percent of the performance is her walking sideways at a normal pace while her partner holds her steady. It looks more like a video of someone getting physical therapy set to stirring music.
(full clip above, edit to where she loses her shoe here)
Maksim Chmerkovskiy had to know he was playing with dynamite when he took Kirstie Alley as a partner on Dancing With The Stars, and last night his hubris finally cost him (clip above, full video here).
No pain, no gain for Maksim Chmerkovskiy.
The Dancing with the Stars pro suffered a mysterious injury on Monday’s performance show — and nearly dropped parter Kirstie Alley when his thigh gave out.
Mysterious? He’s from earth and he tried to support 600 pounds of sloshing gummi bears on his thigh. I have a theory as to what caused his injury! You wanna hear it? I’m gettin all House and really thinkin outside the box on this one!
Although Chmerkovskiy, 31, was all smiles on camera, the dancer appeared to be in considerable pain during commercial breaks — grimacing and apologizing profusely to Alley, 60.
“Sorry for not being Wolverine with rods of unbreakable metal for bones.”
“No big deal,” Chmerkovskiy said in a chat after the show. “I’ll be fine… It’ll take a stretcher to get me out of here!”
I think that was his polite way of asking for a stretcher and ambulance before chips of his pulverized bone get lodged in his heart.
Apparently we’re not allowed to liken one fat thing to another these days, because George Lopez is in trouble for calling Kirstie Alley a pig on his TBS talk show last night.
Lopez launched an attack on the ‘DWTS’ star’s fuller figure on ‘Lopez Tonight,’ saying of her first performance, “She did a nice job, her little hooves tapping away.”
While Alley declared on Twitter, “lost 60 lbs before DWTS… Haven’t weighed in three weeks but sure I’ve lost over 10 more,” Lopez kept the barbs about her weight coming.
“Before the show, she went to the market and then she had roast beef,” said Lopez, alluding to a line from the classic nursery rhyme ‘This Little Piggy.’ Lopez followed this up with a commercial featuring an animated pig, saying, in case the joke wasn’t clear enough, that it looked like Alley.
When asked for a comment, someone read what Lopez did but Kirstie never said anything because all that talk about pigs made her hungry and by the time they got done her mouth was full of pork chops.
Lacey Schwimmer, one of the professional dancers on Dancing With The Stars, left rehearsal yesterday in a little half shirt that showed off her nice little cut up abs. Now if the show could get Kirstie Alley to leave rehearsal in a half shirt, they could take pictures of her in black and white, then stamp a big red X over the last few and then try to sell you a DWTS sit up machine.
Kirstie Alley made her debut last night on the premiere of Dancing With The Stars, and despite being 60 and stuffed with gummi bears, she didn’t break anything, like her shoes or legs or partner, and apparently turned in one of the better performances of the night.
“I think we’re just scratching the surface on what you can do,” Bruno Tonioli told Alley after her lively routine. “Your foot placement on the cha cha cha was the best of the night. I like what I see!”
Added Len Goodman: “It was fun, it was cheeky, it was entertaining. It had the feel good factor — we all enjoyed it — and you looked like you had fun doing it. Well done.”
Actually she looked like she almost died. She danced, and I use that word in the loosest possible sense, for 1 minute and 22 seconds. She starts at 2:13, is done by 3:35, and is still gasping for air when we last see her at the 6:55 mark. When not being held upright by her parter she shuffled around for 82 seconds, then she spent the rest of the night struggling to breathe.