It was announced Daniel Craig will be reprising his role as James Bond in a new installment called Spectre where a bunch of shit will explode and he will kick a ton of secret Commie ass. Many were skeptical when Craig was initially announced as the new Bond. Apparently they were unaware he would be shooting enough roids to grow his cranium into a battering ram and take the mild mannered British sleuth character in the direction of a horny Incredible Hulk. Who gives a shit if Bond is a blonde dude? Would you take Pierce Brosnan in a street fight over Brock Lesner wielding a Volkswagen bumper? James Bond doesn’t give a shit about high society anymore. He’s just a Terminator who likes to get buzzed on overpriced drinks of which he always seems to walk out on the tab. Craig is the best Bond like Mark McGwire is the best baseball player of all time. He may lack a complete game, but will definitely hit a few homers while jacked up on HGH. I’d take him over Jeter. And Brosnan.
The Vice President is like the less ambitious son who still lives at home who you give a few odd jobs to keep him from hanging around the house and eating all the cereal. You don’t give him Ukraine or long term unemployment, but you let him handle the funerals of third world leaders and hiding the easter eggs for the annual White House lawn hunt. Then, when he asks to jump on a more media noteworthy political softball, you throw him rape. More specifically, being against rape. Who isn’t against rape? I mean, outside of rapists, and even they probably wish they liked golf instead. Vice-President Biden and a few of his celebrity friends got together for a big public awareness campaign on YouTube to tell men that it’s not cool to assault women. Sort of a gentle reminder, like keeping your elbows off the table and putting the toilet seat back down. It’s so easy to fall into bad habits. Like rape.
If I saw it happening, I wouldn’t blame her, I’d help her.– Daniel Craig in the 1 is 2 Many PSA
Wow, crappy and tired looking Daniel Craig. That is mighty progressive of you. I’m not sure I could resist the urge to blame a rape victim for wearing her skirt to high or acting non-biblical. Enjoy your rape, harlot! I say that a lot. Or I used to before Daniel and Dulé Hill and President Obama educated me otherwise. I hope this public service campaign goes more swimmingly than that 20 year long ‘This is your brain on drugs’ series of commercials that spent billions only to turn out to intrigue young people into actually experimenting with drugs to see what fried egg brain felt like. I’d hate to think Benicio Del Toro is going to get a whole bunch of boys from the Chess Club to start widespread raping in their schools because they got really curious as to this awesome taboo.
I like to look shit up when the government declares something an epidemic. Rape and sexual assault are down 58% in the past couple of decades thanks to a general decrease in violent crime and far stricter sentencing and monitoring of sex offenders. About 80% of sex offenders continue to be somebody known to the victim. And they continue to happen overwhelmingly in poor, rural areas. You know, where the drunk uncles watch lots of government PSAs on YouTube and want to make Obama happy. As long as everybody involved in the making of this PSA feels better, and un-raped, I declare this project a government stamped winner.
A new international trailer for ‘Skyfall’ is out today, with lots of new footage and a slightly longer clip from the scene above, which is the most James Bond thing James Bond has ever done. There’s also a Chinese guy at the end who barks at you like he’s some kind of demon, and obviously you wouldn’t want to miss that.
If you want to know more about the plot to ‘Skyfall’, the 23rd James Bond movie, directed by the highly respected Sam Mendes, with Daniel Craig in his third outing as Bond and an outstanding cast led by Javier Bardem, Albert Finney, Judi Dench, and Ralph Fienes, the teaser trailer released today won’t help.
But if you sent some men to go kill James Bond and his companion, and they never came back, the teaser trailer released today will help. It turns out he killed them first. What on earth made you call ahead to tell Bond about it?
Daniel Craig is a respected and talented professional who works hard to keep his private life private, whereas Kim Kardashian is the exact opposite of every one of those words. So try and guess if he’s complimentary when he talks about the Kardashians in the new British GQ.
“I think there’s a lot to be said for keeping your own counsel. You can’t buy it back. You can’t buy your privacy back. ‘Ooh, I want to be alone. ‘F*ck you. We’ve been in your living room. We were at your birth. You filmed it for us and showed us the placenta, and now you want some privacy?’”
?”It’s a career. What can I tell you? It is a career; I’m not being cynical. And why wouldn’t you? Look at the Kardashians, they’re worth millions. Millions! I don’t think they were that badly off to begin with, but now look at them. You see that and you think, ‘What, you mean all I have to do is behave like a f*cking idiot on television and then you’ll pay me millions?’”
Awesomely, when Craig said that thing about the Kardashians selling the birth of their child, he had no way of knowing that Kourtney would be the new Us cover story, answering the question that no one was asking. Us magazine: your number 1 source for confirming rumors no one has heard!
There was a photocall in London today for the next James Bond movie, horribly named ‘Skyfall’, starring Daniel Craig as Bond, Javier Bardem as the villain, Berenice Marlohe as the sexy foreign girl you won’t be able to understand, and Naomie Harris as some field agent who is totally gonna get killed.
Adding to the already good cast will be Ralph Fiennes (probably as another villain) and Albert Finney (probably as M’s boss). Even more promising is that it will be directed by Sam Mendes, at least one very good writer has taken a whack at the script, and the incredibly great Roger Deakins will be the cinematographer, so even if it’s dumb it’ll at least look fantastic. It’ll be the Megan Fox of movies.