morning headlines

By brendon June 09, 2010 @ 12:13 PM


GARY COLEMANS - ex wife only got $10,000 for the pictures she took while Gary died (sold to the Globe) because even other tabloids couldn’t bring themselves to stoop so low. That’s the good news. But she probably killed him and is getting away with it. That’s bad. But it comes with your choice of toppings! Homer: “That’s good!” Old man: “The toppings contain potassium benzoate…” Homer: (confused look) Old man: “That’s bad.” (popeater, video)

KELLI - had the temerity to ask for a mention on Tyler just because she reads it and turns 21 today. It turns out Kelli is built like this. Happy Birthday Kelli, yaay, hooray, we love you Kelli!!!! (facebook)

LINDSAY LOHAN – is still claiming she did nothing wrong when her SCRAM bracelet went off Sunday night. “I’m working to get proof that I did not tamper with the bracelet or drink.” This will probably mean some story where Lindsay says the bar was real crowded and some other persons sweat got on her leg and into the bracelet. It’s dumb, but Lindsay is too dumb to know she’s dumb. Trying to explain anything is pointless, like a staring contest against a mannequin. (radar)

GERI HALLIWELL - got out of a car all disheveled and pulling her shirt back down. But don’t you dare judge her. Times are tough, and she’s got bills to pay just like the rest of us. (splash news online)


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monday afternoon headlines

By brendon June 07, 2010 @ 6:30 PM

spike tv awards 2 060610

GARY COLEMANS – ex wife is doing everything she can to look as guilty as possible, including cremating his body and selling pictures she took of him while he died and after he died. She also got one of those full size rear window stickers that says “fuck tha police”. (tmz, tmz)

ANGELINA JOLIE - reportedly slept with Ethan Hawke while he was married to Uma Thurman. Why would Hawke sleep with a girl way way better looking with a perfect face and bigger tits? We may never know. (star)

MARISA MILLER – was at the Spike Guys Choice Award Saturday night, and long story short, I banged her. (wenn)


this bitch is so guilty

By brendon June 07, 2010 @ 2:22 PM


Gary Colemans ex wife is way, way too dumb to talk her way out of anything, much less murder, but that means she’s also too dumb to realize she’s too dumb to talk her way out of anything, and so therefore she won’t stop talking. In fact she did another interview with Good Morning America over the weekend. She showed up in a wheelchair for no particular reason, and then did everything but confess.

WHAT HAPPENED: “I asked him if he could make me some food. He went down there and I heard this big smack. I went down there and found him in a pool of blood.”

WHY WERE YOU SO USELESS: “I was with him down there the whole time. Seeing him in a pool of blood was difficult,” she said. “If it was someone else in my situation I am sure they wouldn’t know what to do either.”

DID YOU DO IT BITCH: “(I) would take my own life before I would ever, ever harm him.” “People can say whatever they want. I know the truth,” she said. “I would never hurt my husband, ever.”

HE HATED YOU DIDN’T HE, AND HE WANTED TO DIE: “We discussed death a few times and he always said he would be very unfair if he left me and I really respect that,” Price said “because I loved him and he loved me and we just can’t live without each other.”

DO YOU KNOW WHAT “DIVORCED” MEANS DUMMY: “We decided that wasn’t what we wanted. We just had a disagreement,” she said. “After we filed and it went through we decided that wasn’t the right choice.”
“Yeah, we had our disagreements, but it was golden. Nothing could come between us.”

GET OUT OF THAT STUPID WHEELCHAIR, FAKER: “I have had a lot of health issues. I have seizures, I have anxiety,” she said. “I miss my husband a lot. I can barely get around. It’s been a trial.”

Oh gosh, I never thought of it that way. Hasn’t this poor girl suffered enough!?

Rue McClanahan is dead

By brendon June 03, 2010 @ 1:33 PM


‘Golden Girls’ star Rue McClanahan died today at the age of 76, after complications of being 76. Did people think she was immortal or something? She had to die at some point. Good riddance you old bitch.

The real headline this morning should be about Nicole, who wants to be a Suicide Girl, so she sent all of us a video of her rubbing her naked chest. Tyler isn’t a sad page about the elderly being gripped by the icy hand of death, it’s a happy page, where hot young gingers rub their tits and let us watch. Hooray Internet!

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gary colemans wife is helpful

By brendon June 02, 2010 @ 5:36 PM

Gary Colemans 911 call, the call made by his wife after he slipped and hit his head (he of course died 2 days later) has been released and it’s pretty damn depressing. His worthless wife describes the scene but doesn’t do much else because all the blood is freaking her out. USA Today says…

“I really don’t know what happened! There’s a lot of blood on the floor…. There’s blood all over. And I can’t do anything.”
“It’s on the back of his head,” Price tells the dispatcher, adding that she “can’t be near the blood” because she has seizures.
“He’s conscious,” she says. “But he’s not with it. … I don’t know if he had a seizure or … what.” You can hear her telling him, “Gary, you have to put pressure on your wound.”
The dispatcher says, “Can you go in and at least give him a towel?”

Wow this chick is a real rock. “Ok I’m gonna leave a towel by the door Gary. Good luck. Let me know how your clinging to life works out.”

dennis hopper has died

By brendon May 29, 2010 @ 3:05 PM

Hollywood only has a handful of actors who are truly original. Who don’t just read the words on the page like a god damn monkey. Most movies have actors who sound like a ghost hunter trying to contact the other side. Two. Hours. Of. Robotic. Line reads. There are only a few who can make anything interesting. Gary Oldman. Benecio Del Toro. Ian McKellen. Vincent D’Onofrio and Christopher Walken. It’s probably around 20. 19, now, unfortunately.

Dennis Hopper, whose pot-addled Billy in Easy Rider and psychopathic Frank Booth in Blue Velvet helped put the icon in iconoclastic, has died after a decade-long battle with prostate cancer. He was 74.
The legendary actor died about 9 a.m. Saturday surrounded by family in his Los Angeles home.
Taken ill with flu-like symptoms last September, Hopper later said he was suffering with prostate cancer. Family members told PEOPLE that the disease had spread to other organs in his system.

Hopper was better in Nike commercials than Aniston or Tobey Macguire have been in anything in their life. Think about that for a second. He even made commercials good. He was so effortlessly cool, it makes me think I should do more drugs. Can anyone send me some LSD? I think it’s what Dennis would have wanted.