Thanks to Oprah Winfrey taking advantage of Lindsay Lohan’s pathetic desperation for money and attention, the “docu-series” is the hot new way of referring to a washed up celebrity’s reality show without making it sound like she’d eat shit off a sidewalk for $100. Lifetime gave Tori Spelling, who admitted not too long ago that she basically pissed away all of her money, a new “docu-series” to tell her story almost as it happens, because we just can’t be left out of a life that includes things like dying her hair to maintain her youthful appeal and not fooling anyone. In this clip for True Tori, which debuts tonight, Tori’s husband, Dean McDermott, admits that he cheated on Tori because sex with her basically sucks. It’s a shame they didn’t just name this show Things We Assumed.
I bet if they changed the name ‘rehab’ to ‘giant pussy convalescent center’ less celebrities would issue heartfelt public statements about heading off to Malibu for three weeks of cigarettes and counseling. Tori Spelling’s husband is going, though it’s not exactly clear why. Still, it’s part of the Hollywood contrition cycle, so he issued a statement:
I take full responsibility for my actions and have voluntarily checked myself into a treatment center to address some health and personal issues. I am grateful to be getting the help I need so I can become the husband and father my family deserves.
Whoa, what a tank of shit that is. When you get loaded and bone girls half your age in hotel rooms, you don’t have a drinking problem, and you don’t have a sex problem, you have a wife problem. You don’t go to rehab for that. You go to a lawyer for that. Dean McDermott has done this before. Make some babies, decide he wants a different wife, make some more babies, insemination ad nauseum. Just move on, you big fucking baby-making pussy. Finding a job isn’t all that hard. You might even discover a condom comes into play when you’ve actually worked for the money now being confiscated to pay for your cream pie pursuits. Rehab is for quitters. You’re not a quitter. You’re a loser. You don’t need a group hug in Malibu to figure that out.
I bet Tori Spelling is feeling pretty stupid about ditching her first husband, banging a married Canadian and convincing him to drop his wife to make fresh babies inside of her. Or maybe not. Because her next five life-story books are going to be even better than her last five now that baby-making Dean McDermott has apparently moved out of their house (not the one they were evicted from, the other one they snuck into) to go hang with his buddy who gets him.
He’s furious that Tori is trying to monitor his cell phone, demanding he have a curfew and treating him like a child. Dean and Tori had a nuclear fight [about it], and Dean is staying at a buddy’s house, drinking and being irresponsible like some sort of overgrown frat boy.”
A righteous anger indeed. You make a baby or two outside of wedlock and suddenly your old lady is all up in your occasionally working grill. Back off, woman, this stallion needs to roam.
photo credit: Pacific Coast News
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to impregnate women not our wives. That crazy Dean McDermott just can’t quit making babies. His last wife, his current wife, random Canadian chicks in hotel rooms who can’t find real celebrities to make them feel empty and used. A source close to the aptly named Emily Goodhand who Dean banged in a Toronto hotel room in between Celebrity Chopped promos confirms the worst nightmare and/or dreams of the tawdry participants:
“Dean and Emily had sex several times over the weekend of Dec. 6. She isn’t on birth control — and they had sex without a condom.”
I don’t know who this close sources is who knows about the prophylactic situation in the bedroom, but I’m going to guess it’s either the dignified Ms. Goodhand herself, or somebody who’s going to be asking for money on her behalf shortly. If only they knew that the reason Emily might be pregnant is because Dean was too broke to afford a vasectomy he was scheduled for this past October, they might’ve targeted a different D-lister. Naturally, Dean will want to keep the baby, as he’s one of those twisted dudes who believe it’s his destiny to make as many babies in his image as possible. Like a Dywane Wade without the money or talent or hot model looking woman to take him back after he spreads his seed around town.
Somebody needs to put a stop to these vulgar shenanigans before a kid is actually born who has to hear this origin story. Nuking Toronto seems like a reasonable first move.
Fuck you, Dean McDermott. Mostly for making me feel bad for Tori Spelling. I’d like to heap a whole lot of condolences into her gaping chest maw this morning after reading of her husband cheating on her. Generally, I could care less who sleeps around with who. Married, unmarried, people get horny and lonely and pissed off and greedy and all those other lesser angel crap that makes them do things at night they probably wouldn’t do in the morning. That’s human nature. But Deam McDermott is one of those mostly unemployed actor dudes who likes to bang babies into women then bitch about how they’re all fat and pregnant like. Dean ditched his first wife and kid when he fell madly in love with Tori on the set of their shitty Lifetime movie seven years ago. Right off the bat that puts him in the questionable camp. He then proceeded to plow four babies into Tori in the course of a few years, one time knocking her up just a few months after she popped out one of his brood. I’m sure the sight of Tori Spelling all greasy and splayed out from her last delivery was too much for this walking fruitful and multiply hard-on to handle. You know, despite not really having a job. Every sperm is sacred. Now, after the fourth kid knocked Tori back into the hospital for four months pre C-section delivery, Dean McDermott is picking up chicks on the side complaining about how he and his wife have a boring marriage.
“He told me he and Tori had a sexless marriage. I believed him.”
– Emily Goodhand, some tart in Toronto who shagged Dean McDermott in his hotel room.
Yes, dumbass lay of the evening. He has four kids under six. Nothing says sexless like a room full of babies. Did he also say he has creative talent just waiting to be exposed with the help of the right woman? Jesus, twatty, you’re probably walking around with one of his offspring in your belly right this second. How far do you think his part-time Chopped Canada food TV appearance money can spread? Tori and Dean have already copped to being on a tight budget, what with the man not working and Tori being cut-off from her dead dad’s Charlie’s Angels fortunes. I’d love to take the side of guy here, but dudes who intentionally make babies they don’t intend to care for, they don’t belong in the club.