By Lex May 11, 2015 @ 8:24 AM
Tori Spelling is having yet another child because her horny husband needs to fuck somebody. Her reality show profile is broke-ass cheated on wife with anxiety disorders and an arm still fried from going bushwhack on a Benihana hibachi. Makes sense to bring another child into this world to suckle on the left teat then travel ten paces to find the right. This isn’t like those Catholic women on my block growing up who were permanently swollen with new life like self-fertilizing arthropods. They were multiplying for Jesus. Tori Spelling has some weird fragile fame ego bullshit that needs to be fed. She’s got the cash to pay for a million kids. The bigger question is why doofus number one keeps agreeing to plug her with more offspring. You felt trapped at one kid, try five. You’re not getting alimony, dipshit. You’re paying it. Quick, calculate half of unemployed.
Photo credit: FameFlynet
By Lex May 27, 2014 @ 6:03 PM
I don’t care if it’s a request for basic bit of shtupping or some kinky ass shit she heard from a sex doctor on Sirius, you never turn down a woman. It’s like a Japanese sushi chef requesting you sample his signature roll. You turn that toro away and you might as well draw swords. Unlike men who dangle their cocks in the pond waiting for anything to latch on, women feel vulnerable when they initiate sex. If your girl nervously tells you it’d make her so hot if she could shit on your foot, you peel off your sock and tell her how much you love her. It’s unclear what kind of dirty whore olive branch Tori Spelling extended her husband Dean, but it wasn’t enough to keep him from banging drunk girls in his hotel room. Naturally, Dean has an explanation. Tori wouldn’t doink him the night before he left for Canada and he felt confused. And when an alcoholic gets confused, he drinks and screws whoever he can find in the bar. Which makes alcoholism seem pretty fucking neat. My natural tendency is to feel pity for the married man in these types of situations because I figure he’d just a horny bugger who’s lucky to get a peck on the dong once a year on his birthday. But, Dean sure seems like a supreme cunt. Despite her face resembling a dory out of water and her shrill voice transplanted from the haunted hallows of the damned, Tori seems stuck with a husband who likes to drink and fuck a lot more than say, help with the kids or pay the bills. If this show wasn’t almost entirely staged, I’d tattoo Team Tori across my shit foot.
By Travis May 16, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
The main theme of True Tori has been that Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are trying to work through his infidelity and addictions so they can continue to have a good marriage and make enough money on TV shows so she doesn’t have to sell their crap to strangers anymore. In the latest clip for this awful show, Dean has been offered a chance to return to Toronto for the second season of Chopped: Canada, but that’s where he cheated on Tori in the first place. So he confides in his friend Wolf for advice on what to do, which is the second best thing they could have had him do, behind locking him in a cage with an actual starving wolf. Just throwing that out there for a ratings boost.
By Lex May 08, 2014 @ 3:34 PM
It’s always a little awkward as a man shopping for the little lady in a lingerie store alone. Even if you had some idea what she might like, you have no clue what might fit her. If you’re Dean McDermott, you’re stuck there awkwardly pantomiming for a sales girl, ‘Yeah, she’s about your height, but with big ole crater tits, and she’s somewhat slight, like that China girl they tried to kick out of Yale, if she was in a forced labor camp for a few months. You got a teddy that’ll fit that?’. If you’re an avid viewer of the reality show, Tori Is Super Close to Eating Dog Food, you know Tori Spelling and her husband Dean are working hard on mending their marriage. Tori has promised to support Dean through his rough patches without judgement, and Dean has promised to stop banging Canadian groupies so often. Dean has also committed to finding a job by 2018. You mix that kind of marital selflessness and Tori in sheer satin and you’re looking at another mouth to feed nine months from now. That’s assuming the lingerie is for Tori.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Travis April 29, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Tori Spelling’s troubled husband, Dean McDermott, claims that he has a brain that “wants him dead” in the latest clip from Lifetime’s “docu-series” True Tori, which tells the scripted and money-needing story of this married couple struggling to get past Dean’s addictions and infidelity. But before we can move on and rebuild, we need to know why Dean even cheated in the first place, especially when he has such an ageless beauty waiting for him at home every day. As he tells a friend, Dean only cheated on Tori because he was really drunk and high, and he never thought that she’d find out about it. It’s like the bible says, “Let he who hasn’t snorted a line off a prostitute’s chest and then blamed it on alcohol cast the first stone, but only if he’s caught, because otherwise fuck it and do it again.”
By Travis April 22, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Thanks to Oprah Winfrey taking advantage of Lindsay Lohan’s pathetic desperation for money and attention, the “docu-series” is the hot new way of referring to a washed up celebrity’s reality show without making it sound like she’d eat shit off a sidewalk for $100. Lifetime gave Tori Spelling, who admitted not too long ago that she basically pissed away all of her money, a new “docu-series” to tell her story almost as it happens, because we just can’t be left out of a life that includes things like dying her hair to maintain her youthful appeal and not fooling anyone. In this clip for True Tori, which debuts tonight, Tori’s husband, Dean McDermott, admits that he cheated on Tori because sex with her basically sucks. It’s a shame they didn’t just name this show Things We Assumed.