12.04.2009 lindsay lohan is denying that jessica alba rumor

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(NOTE: I’d like to get an erection this weekend, so I’m not gonna risk looking up Lohan pictures just because the story is about her. So instead, hey look, it’s Denise Milani decorating a Christmas tree while her huge boobs spread holiday cheer to all. Specifically to my cock.)

Two days ago it was mentioned (here) that Lindsay Lohan was allegedly caught kissing Jessica Albas husband, Cash Warren. The story was that Cash was out with his friends and Lindsay was at the same bar (A bar? Oh I know. I was surprised too). Us magazine said…

Soon after discovering one another at Villa, Warren and Lohan “ignored friends and just chatted.” The real trouble began half an hour in. “Lindsay and Cash started making out,” an onlooker tells Us.
“Lip on tongue,” the eyewitness continues, “It was raw. They were not shy!”
Another Villa patron that night gasped, “It was a shock to see the two of them kiss, but it was real.”

No one in their right mind would believe that any man would go from Jessica Alba, who is physically perfect, to Lindsay Lohan, who would be like fucking a chain link fence. But Lindsay gave E! online a denial anyway.

“Cash Warren is a BUSINESS partner, nothing more, nothing less. And I have NO interest in anything but focusing on my career/work, as well as my family, and getting everyone holiday gifts! Eeeks-stressful!”

Someone needs to go back to Writing A Denial school because none of that made any sense whatsoever. The next time she’s asked about it this dumb bitch might as well put her finger under her nose like it was a mustache and say she’s not Lindsay.


11.05.2009 thursday afternoon headlines

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DAVID LETTERMAN - is now a woman. Or at least will be during the ‘Law and Order’ episode about a talk show host who gets blackmailed after having affairs with members of her staff.  I know what you’re thinking. “Wow this post got surprisingly boring considering it started out by saying ‘David Letterman is now a woman.’”  Yeah sorry about that.  (e! online)

JON GOSSELIN - is so screwed. The law firm representing TLC in their breach of contract lawsuit against him have deposed his gf, his bodyguards, and even his former lawyers to find out if he was earning money from outside appearances. This moron is so done. TLC might as well coat him in honey and throw him in a bear cage too.  (radar)

JAMES GANDOLFINI - punched a photographer trying to videotape him shopping in the West Village.  And it would have hurt too, except that Gandolfini is a fat tub of shit and actors are all pussies.  (huffington)

CHRIS BROWN - will run his comeback “Fan Appreciation” tour through a series of small and intimate venues, starting with the House of Blues in Houston next week. So far ticket sales have been steady. Because there’s nothing more steady than “zero”. (daily news)

DENISE MILANI - is here dressed as Wonder Woman because these headlines were all kind of boring. Her costume is a little different from the original, but she still has the golden lasso and the bulletproof bracelets. Know what else is bulletproof? My dick right now. (denisemilani.com)


08.06.2009 afternoon headlines

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KATY PERRY - has agreed to be one of the guest judges replacing Paula Abdul during the American Idol auditions, which begin tomorrow in Denver. It’s not clear who the fourth judge will be for that.  One artist who is being mentioned is busty bikini model Denise Milani, although mostly by me, just now.  (source = ny daily news)

STEVEN TYLER - the Aerosmith lead singer suffered head, neck and shoulder injuries after falling off a stage in Rapid City, South Dakota. Specifically, at the Buffalo Chip Campground, where the concert was being held. In a related story, are you fucking kidding me. (fox news)

JASON STATHAM - FUN FACT: even cool guys look like spazzy dorks in diving masks. FUN FACT 2 - but don’t mention that because Jason Statham will murder you with a jetski and laugh while doing it. (hq jump here. source = splash and fame)


06.01.2009 kate rocks her bikini bod

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Stuff like that headline, or, oh, better yet, “This woman has 8 kids?!?!” is the kind of thing that would be here if this was Entertainment Tonight or People, or if it was the beginning of our journey to the land of make believe.

I’m sure tons of women would love to convince us Kate looks good because it lowers the bar for all of them, but she doesn’t. She looks like shit. That she had 8 kids is irrelevant. My penis is like a great white shark: it can’t be bargained with, it can’t be reasoned with, it doesn’t care about explanations or excuses. Look at Denise Milani. She’s a girl, and she’s at the beach just like Kate. So why doesn’t Kate look like Denise? Is it laziness? Selfishness? It might be all that and more, but there are just as many Denise pictures as ones of Kate below, so hopefully this will help balance Kate’s monster-like appearance.

(image source = splash.  full size jump = here)