Diddy Arrested For Assault

By Matt June 23, 2015 @ 10:00 AM

COMBS

Sean Combs was arrested at UCLA where his son plays football and doesn’t go to class for assaulting a member of the team’s coaching staff with a kettle bell in the weight room. Diddy apparently felt the coach wasn’t showing his son proper respect at Spring practice where Diddy routinely hovers because nothing helps a team out more than having parents helicoptering around practices. This poses a number of questions such as what was he doing in the weight room and how is he able to lift a kettle bell and was this a misprint and he was actually wielding a tea kettle of piping hot toddies. Combs spent several hours in jail before posting bail and no doubt posing for several photos with the arresting officers.

Hitting members of the coaching staff with kettle bells isn’t the best way to ingratiate your kid to the coaching staff. They might even remember it when sending him on a route up the middle. How is this 5’7, 160 lb kid a football player at a Division 1 college? Combs probably bought the gym let him do what he likes. This is the latest in a string of violent behavior on the part of Combs. When I was a kid we fought like men. Now it’s kettle bell assault after kettle bell assault. Wear a vest. These schools aren’t safe anymore. Go Bruins.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

P Diddy Doing It Right

By Matt May 13, 2015 @ 8:08 AM

COMS

Sean Combs has six children with three different women yet has never married, solidifying his status as a role model for deadbeat dads who don’t understand he’s paying for private school and there’s more to life than the Elephant Bar. Combs newest girlfriend is a model he met while casting his latest fragrance ad which worked out well because he didn’t have to leave the building. Just print your test results on the back of your head shot and make sure they’re two weeks current. Combs explains that he’s not yet ready for the commitment of marriage unlike having six children which requires cancelling a few orgies when the water breaks:

“I don’t want to be going to courts and having somebody be like interfere in my relationships… I will give a contract. I will commit to a contract. A love contract.”

That’s when you get slapped in the face if your body guards aren’t within earshot. Included in Combs’ Love Contract is a non-disclosure agreement and a DNA testing kit. You’re going to need it. Turns out the both of you will fuck anything with a foreign accent. There’s plenty of young chicks and straight dudes out there. Keep a copy in your clutch and a tablet under your tongue. Just say it’s yours.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Puff Daddy Has Returned

By Jack March 25, 2014 @ 2:43 PM

Sean Combs has once again changed his stupid name back to Puff Daddy. That’s the moniker he went by when we were first burst onto the scene back in the 90′s by exploiting his friend Biggie’s death for stardom. He made the announcement on Twitter saying,

“For the record, I did not change my name. I always have been and always will be PUFF DADDY! :) Be cool Man lol”

Alright, twelve year old girl liar. In 2001 he changed it to P. Diddy, which sounds like what a toddler might call wetting their big kid diaper, Then he changed it to just Diddy because, “The P. was coming between me and my fans”. What the fuck does that mean and what fans? Sometimes he goes by Sean “Diddy” Combs, like on his taxes and official documents. But now he’s Puff Daddy again, arguably one of the stupidest rap names of all time. He once fired a PA for calling him P. Diddy when he was going by  just Diddy. As if another grown man is supposed to be up to date on his lame fake rap names. Changing your name is the female equivalent of getting a new haircut and wanting everybody to marvel over your fabulous new look.  Puff Daddy, you are not so fabulous.

Drake Treats Diddy Like A Wack MC

By Jack February 20, 2014 @ 1:26 PM

Drake broke all kinds of rap etiquette when he took the mic away from Diddy during a performance. The two egomaniacal d-bags were at the Metropolitan Club in New Orleans along with other epic poets like Busta Rhymes and Nelly. When Drake began his song Worst Behavior, Diddy, (or whatever the fuck silly kid’s name he’s called these days), joined in. Drake then took the microphone away from him so he wouldn’t sing along. Basically he treated Diddy like a wack mc and a stone cold bitch using language that no rapper uses anymore. I guess all of that means something to guys who spend more time buying sneakers than even pretending to hone a musical craft. Even within the category of crappy rap, Diddy is pretty distinguished as a a D-level talent. I guess Drake is better because he’s handsome and the girls love him and that means it doesn’t matter how untalented he is. When Justin Bieber raps, 10,000 girls scream their heads off and call him a master too. The entire thing could only be made better with some bitter feud shootouts.  But only good rappers die in shootouts, the horrible ones just seem to go on bitch fighting forever.

Diddy Will Do Anything For Attention Now

By Travis November 07, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Because nobody has talked about him in at least a year, rapper/entrepreneur/guy who will attach his name to anything for profit Diddy showed up as a presenter at last night’s 47th annual CMA Awards in Nashville, and he was introduced along with Kellie Pickler, who is one of country music’s many failed Carrie Underwood cloning experiments. I didn’t get to watch the CMA Awards because my TV blocks all programs that feature musicians with fake accents who couldn’t cut it in pop music, but I assume that Diddy acted like it was a huge thing for him to be there because he’s a black man, and there were probably bear traps and oiled crosses set up back stage. More than likely, he was just there for business as usual, and we can expect his remix of Brad Paisley’s “Accidental Racist” on iTunes by Christmas.

Photo Credit: Getty

Diddy Says His New Network Is A Big Fucking Deal

By Jack October 22, 2013 @ 5:02 PM

Music mogul and prodigious child maker Diddy launched his new Revolt network last night. The idea behind the network is that it plays nothing but music. You know, like MTV did for two decades, except that this is totally different…somehow. Diddy is really talking this thing up like he just invented the fucking lightbulb. Whenever someone repeatedly tells you something is going to change the world, you know it’s going to be short-lived. Still waiting to meet up with my buddies on our Segways. According to Diddy, Revolt will be THE trend-maker:

“We’re looking for greatness, we’re looking for great stars, we’re looking for people who have something to say. Our bar is extremely high. … There are other places artists will be able to get exposure, but when you make it to Revolt you will feel you’ve been authorized.”

I would like to feel authorized. I wonder if that feels anything like the prostate massage I keep seeing offered for free in the Craigslist health section. The truth is that putting music on TV has always been iffy. MTV was a massive cultural explosion, but it didn’t have very high ratings until it started adding its horrifying reality programming. Jersey Shore blew away Bel Biv Devoe videos five times an hour. Diddy isn’t all fool, he’s made some serious money in the past, maybe he will again with Revolt. Maybe the kids these days really do want to see the next Chris Brown being authorized by Diddy. Justin Bieber has 45 million Twitter followers. I don’t know this world anymore.