Shelly Sterling Gets Her Shit Back

By Lex April 15, 2015 @ 8:51 AM

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The timeless battle between unstoppable shrew and unmovable whore ended when a judge ruled that V. Stiviano had to return the condo and the Bentley and other expensive gifts totaling $2.8 million from Donald Sterling back to Shelly Sterling because Stiviano never Quickbooks invoiced him formally for handies. Shelly Sterling argued that Stiviano suckered her batshit crazy husband into giving her the booty that was rightfully community property between the couple. Donald Sterling supported the argument by drooling in court and asking why Don the Chink won’t let him in the back door at Staples any longer. It’s kind of a sad day for hustlers, also for dignity and the expression of any earnest human emotions.

In court, Stiviano claimed that Donald Sterling was both a ‘father figure and lover’ which caused the stenographer to hurl and the judge to bring down the gavel in favor of Sterling. He did rule Stiviano didn’t have to pay back $200,000 in credit card expenses on Sterling’s card because she had stroked his crinkled penis on more than one occasion and you couldn’t put a price tag on that horror. Though, if you did, it would be around $200,000.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Donald Sterling Reunites With Whore

By Matt October 02, 2014 @ 6:28 AM

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Police were called to Donald Sterling’s house, presumably by Shelly Sterling who has an army of nosy yenta neighbors peering through their yellow tinged blinds. Shelly had received word that V. Stiviano was back on the grounds of Camp Geezer Fuck. Shelly despises Stiviano, not because she had a loving marriage broken asunder but because Stiviano her honey paws into the Sterling family till.

Nobody in this upscale neighborhood has actually had sex with their spouse since they made a pledge in college to stop being happy and focus on clothes and cocktail parties. The police came, saw a lot of things wrong but nothing criminal, and left Sterling and Stiviano alone to have a painstaking hour of manual copulation followed by an exchange of money and a search for answers. Shelly probably just wanted the cops to respond for documentation of her ongoing lawsuit against Stiviano who she claims is a professional gold digger. Donald Sterling was slightly put out by the cop call until he realized that meant another hour of the L.A.P.D. not preventing crime in the black community. That finally made him cum.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Donald Sterling Prefers Dudes And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 22, 2014 @ 12:14 PM

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According to momentarily famous sex troll, V. Stiviano, Donald Sterling is gay. She says that she never actually touched his shriveled up tool because he prefers the touch of another man. This contradicts other shit she’s said in the past. Could she be the world’s first dishonest whore?

Read all about V. being a beard for the old man. (Dlisted)

Jessica Hart looking hot as balls in GQ. Hot.As.Balls. (Popoholic)

Miley Cyrus banned in the Dominican Republic because she’s a slutty slut. (Huffington Post)

Bruce Jenner has grown an ugly pair of she-man tits. (The Superficial)

Apparently, 50 Cent is right. Floyd Mayweather can’t read good. (COED)

Bianca Gascoigne has some big ‘ol titty balls. (Hollywood Tuna)

Ashley Benson and Troian Bellisario running naked down the road? Yes. (Drunken Stepfather)

Donald Sterling Sues Everybody

By Matt July 23, 2014 @ 8:22 AM

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Donald Sterling has filed a civil suit against his strangle estranged wife Shelly, NBA commissioner Adam Silver, and the entire NBA. Basically he’s putting everyone he is pissed at into one giant group and suing the shit out of them. He narrowly left out the guy who fucked up his sandwich order yesterday. Does Donald look like he can chew through a roll?

The monster lawsuit is seeking compensation for breach of contract, breach of fiduciary duty, fraud, emotional distress, and a major drop off in whores willing to give head for Clips tickets. Given its breadth the lawsuit should consume more money than Sterling ever spent on his team in his first twenty-five years of ownership. He’ll probably die before the case is over or become so debilitated with Alzheimer’s he settles for a bag of marbles and a Blake Griffin rookie card. But if Donald Sterling can fuck up just one NBA season with his legal entanglements, he’ll go to his happy place just a little bit happier.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Donald Sterling Bought A New Whore at the Whore Store

By Matt July 18, 2014 @ 8:20 AM

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Donald Sterling is apparently banging Raquel Lee, or at least buying her a bunch of expensive shit while he tries to get his dick hard enough to penetrate her 100 point skee ball hole. Lee is a woman with an eclectic background. She had some minor acting rolls nearly a decade ago and has most recently gone method to play a whore on Real Husbands of Hollywood. She also runs with V Stiviano, Rob Kardashian and a bunch of other parolee trash sucking on the teat of dirty money.

For being a documented racist, Sterling definitely has a strong taste for chocolate love. Maybe he’s trying to make reparations for illegally evicting black tenants from his apartments by pumping the community full of luxury cars and operating an urban enterprise zone where non-working minority models can gain valuable work experience by sucking on his reptilian dick. Lee should make out alright in the deal until either Shelly starts seeing Tiffany receipts or Donald gets back on his meds and remembers he hates black people.

Photo Credit: Raquel Lee/Instagram

Donald Sterling’s Doctor Might Be Crazy Too

By Matt July 02, 2014 @ 8:45 AM

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One of the doctors who determined Donald Sterling was too bat shit to decide the fate of the Clippers had dinner and drinks with him and his wife after the examination. Dr. Meril Platzer probably waited for Sterling to pick up the check at the Polo Lounge before she gave him the diagnosis of dementia. Donald Sterling’s lawyers will attempt to prove Platzer is a wormy sociopath with ulterior motives. She clearly knew of the Sterling situation before the exam. She was also friendly enough with the Sterling’s to have dinner with them. That means she socialized with a guy she just helped screw out of his basketball franchise. She probably did some fake laughing as well. Evil doctors always do. We all know that upscale Los Angeles is populated by the morally bankrupt, but is it becoming so diseased that your own doctor starts conspiring against you? Is Platzer going to sell the CAT scans to TMZ and then be seen having drinks at Mr. Chow’s with Joey Lawrence? I don’t feel bad for Sterling yet. The fucked up part is he was only the third worst person at his dinner table.

Photo Credit: Getty Images