Donald Sterling Sues Everybody

By Matt July 23, 2014 @ 8:22 AM

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Donald Sterling has filed a civil suit against his strangle estranged wife Shelly, NBA commissioner Adam Silver, and the entire NBA. Basically he’s putting everyone he is pissed at into one giant group and suing the shit out of them. He narrowly left out the guy who fucked up his sandwich order yesterday. Does Donald look like he can chew through a roll?

The monster lawsuit is seeking compensation for breach of contract, breach of fiduciary duty, fraud, emotional distress, and a major drop off in whores willing to give head for Clips tickets. Given its breadth the lawsuit should consume more money than Sterling ever spent on his team in his first twenty-five years of ownership. He’ll probably die before the case is over or become so debilitated with Alzheimer’s he settles for a bag of marbles and a Blake Griffin rookie card. But if Donald Sterling can fuck up just one NBA season with his legal entanglements, he’ll go to his happy place just a little bit happier.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Donald Sterling Bought A New Whore at the Whore Store

By Matt July 18, 2014 @ 8:20 AM

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Donald Sterling is apparently banging Raquel Lee, or at least buying her a bunch of expensive shit while he tries to get his dick hard enough to penetrate her 100 point skee ball hole. Lee is a woman with an eclectic background. She had some minor acting rolls nearly a decade ago and has most recently gone method to play a whore on Real Husbands of Hollywood. She also runs with V Stiviano, Rob Kardashian and a bunch of other parolee trash sucking on the teat of dirty money.

For being a documented racist, Sterling definitely has a strong taste for chocolate love. Maybe he’s trying to make reparations for illegally evicting black tenants from his apartments by pumping the community full of luxury cars and operating an urban enterprise zone where non-working minority models can gain valuable work experience by sucking on his reptilian dick. Lee should make out alright in the deal until either Shelly starts seeing Tiffany receipts or Donald gets back on his meds and remembers he hates black people.

Photo Credit: Raquel Lee/Instagram

Donald Sterling’s Doctor Might Be Crazy Too

By Matt July 02, 2014 @ 8:45 AM

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One of the doctors who determined Donald Sterling was too bat shit to decide the fate of the Clippers had dinner and drinks with him and his wife after the examination. Dr. Meril Platzer probably waited for Sterling to pick up the check at the Polo Lounge before she gave him the diagnosis of dementia. Donald Sterling’s lawyers will attempt to prove Platzer is a wormy sociopath with ulterior motives. She clearly knew of the Sterling situation before the exam. She was also friendly enough with the Sterling’s to have dinner with them. That means she socialized with a guy she just helped screw out of his basketball franchise. She probably did some fake laughing as well. Evil doctors always do. We all know that upscale Los Angeles is populated by the morally bankrupt, but is it becoming so diseased that your own doctor starts conspiring against you? Is Platzer going to sell the CAT scans to TMZ and then be seen having drinks at Mr. Chow’s with Joey Lawrence? I don’t feel bad for Sterling yet. The fucked up part is he was only the third worst person at his dinner table.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Donald Sterling Back to Suing

By Matt June 10, 2014 @ 2:27 PM

Donald Sterling And Other Terrible People

Billionaire racist and aficionado of conniving and possibly transgendered women of undetermined racial makeup with lengthy criminal histories Donald Sterling has decided to go back on his word and sue the NBA for forcing him to sell The Clippers. Sterling, who either has early onset dementia or is falsely advertising this fact to cover for his demented statements, had apparently agreed to let the team go without a fight and spend his remaining days enjoying Archie Bunker clips and listening to David Allan Coe records. Sterling claims he was tricked by his high school sweetheart wife Shelly Sterling into signing away his control of the team as she presented the handoff as a routine document to evict the darkies from one of his many apartment buildings. It sucks when your wife keeps going around your back trying to clean up your hooker messes by getting you a couple billion dollars in Microsoft money. Shelly may be a thunderous cluck of a woman, but she knows good business. If Plan A was tricking Donald into signing some paperwork, Plan B will move onto strychnine in the laxative suppositories. Shelly Sterling doesn’t strike me as a woman who’s ever needed a Plan C.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Donald Sterling Kind of Won, Didn’t He?

By Lex May 30, 2014 @ 2:28 PM

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As far as punishments go, being forced to sell the NBA franchise you bought for $12 million for $2 billion to one of the Microsoft guys is somewhere on the scale just beneath, and now you must have sex with Candice Swanepoel until your dick hurts, a lot. Take that. As Donald Sterling slips further into dementia, he goes there knowing he mostly won. The NBA has been trying to get rid of him for thirty-three years of being a total dick and for thirty-three years Donald got to bang young tranny looking Mexi-girls and deliver racially tinged rants to them courtside while waiting for his 10,000% return on his investment. His final years would likely have been far less pleasant had his disturbing bedroom chats with his manipulative hooker not been leaked to the press and tens of millions of self-righteous simpleton protestors not flooded Facebook with me-too’s about Sterling’s racism. Donald Sterling just got voted Most Hated Man in America. He can read all about it once he finished counting his two bill.

Donald Sterling is a Quitter

By Lex May 23, 2014 @ 3:43 PM

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Donald Sterling is relinquishing his half of the Clippers to his lovely wife Shelly who now can sell the franchise off to Fat Oprah or Floyd Mayweather and Justin Bieber. This will relieve the NBA of having to gin up a show trial in June to prove how much they hate racism more than you do. For all his faults, the one thing you could count on with Donald Sterling was commitment. Whether to running a losing NBA franchise for thirty years or holding on strong to ignorant cultural views from the 1930′s, Donald Sterling never surrendered. His bluster about fighting the NBA over taking away his private property for some insensitive shit he said in his bedroom sure did die fast. It’s possible Shelly put on the Daft Punk visor and tricked the geezer into signing some papers while she was massaging his crinkly shlong. But, most likely, she just yelled a lot about fairness and all the shit she’s put up with for the past fifty years and he signed to get her to shut the fuck up so he could go back to his hookers and suntanning. The thing about racists, they’re too fucking lazy to succeed even in a world that is largely racist.