By Lex July 23, 2015 @ 10:17 AM
Attractive women who don’t talk much are to be worshipped as gods on earth. They are the prize for nailing that elusive center tube in Skee-ball while buzzed on 3.2 beer at the arcade. Doutzen Kroes still refers to her DJ husband unapologetically as an artist. I bet she keeps the kids quiet while dad is programming his iPod. I wonder if she has a slightly to moderately disfigured sister for a guy like me. Yes, I did invite Kroutzen over to swim again. Yes, I told her bathing suits optional. You know, when I married a girl missing her mandible, I expected less questions.
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews
By Lex April 07, 2015 @ 10:47 AM
According to millennials, breastfeeding was invented two years ago. Popularized by a series of heroic models and actresses posting Norman Rockwell breastfeeding photos to Instagram. Previously, infants were nourished from the bark of fake trees manufactured by Monsanto while their mothers were body shamed by white men who smoked cigars. Those were dark cancerous times. Now women may use their tits to feed their infants and make a few bucks. The tortured convolutions of female equality takes another big step forward. As does breast pump fetish porn. It’s not true progress until men can beat off to it.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex March 31, 2015 @ 9:53 AM
Victoria’s Secret model Doutzen Kroes met up with the Bethenny Frankel skinny Ms. Potato head attachment figure and whispered in her ear, if I look like you do in fifteen years, I’m going to kill myself. Frankel agreed, then squeezed her ass cheeks to activate the hydraulic pumps that tighten the lifelike skin sheaths across her skeleton. Technology is pretty seamless these days. Someday, all women will have the opportunity to look like Bethenny Frankel in their 40′s. Inquire with your significant other if she plans on that option so you can start packing before she gives you a list of seventeen dates she’ll need rides home from the outpatient surgery center.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex February 13, 2015 @ 1:13 PM
Either you’re for breastfeeding or you’re against it. That’s how this epic battle is lining up. I’ve yet to meet anybody who is against breastfeeding, if for no other reason than that means babies die. That’s a tough position to take at cocktail parties. Doutzen Kroes is one of the many supermodels promoting the natural beauty of breastfeeding by being a really good looking woman with nice tits who posts pictures of her kid suckling her boobs. You could probably successfully promote unsafe sex with the very same visual campaign. Condoms won’t get you a baby any time soon. You could try adult nursing relationships, but then you might start wondering what kind of man might be into adult nursing relationships and you’ll probably want to scrub your tits with lye.
Doutzen’s nipples almost fell out of her top at a swimsuit shoot because they’re big and bulbous and fluid from all that beautiful breastfeeding. Everybody should applaud her efforts I’m holding back until she actually spills out. I don’t give away my approval that easily.
Photo Credit: INF
By Lex December 03, 2014 @ 9:25 AM
The Victoria’s Secret fashion show was a huge hit in London last night, aiding the country of England in their annual determination of which of their foppish male denizen are gay and which just seem super gay. It wasn’t quite as crude as a boner test, more like seeing if you said something approximating ‘love the feathers’ at any point during the show. There were a few tense moments when producers worried the black models might hold up some kind of Ferguson protest signs, until somebody remembered they refuse to hire any black models and everything went off without a hitch. Sally forth.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex May 14, 2014 @ 4:47 PM
It’s not easy being an international bra and panties model. First, you’ve got to be born a good looking girl. If that were so easy everybody would be doing it. Then, you can’t eat. I don’t mean ever, just mostly ever, until you learn how to purge. If you get herpes up top, you’re pretty screwed too, so no experimenting with the randy dock boys during middle school. At some point you will need to find an international DJ to knock you up. You want all that impossible to describe talent passed on to your offspring. The idea of them being fondled as a young teen like you were bothers you, though only slightly. Career ends by age 30 and then it’s time for divorce and back to your funky language land to live by the beach with your two kids and your mom and pray you don’t get sunspots because God made you so damn white. It beats being ugly.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, FameFlynet