You’re probably thinking to yourself that Drew Barrymore looks kinda hot, but I’m not here to help, and I like to ruin everything for everyone, so feast your eyes on this. A close-up from this. How is that even the same person? If she doesn’t do something about that I may not let her give me oral. I'm tough but fair.
So apparently Drew Barrymore is now dating "Live Free or Die Hard" co-star Justin Long. My heart is in my throat right now. From all the excitement. I'm giddy. The New York Daily News says:
Drew Barrymore lip-locked with actor Justin Long Sunday night at Vegas' Jet Nightclub at the Mirage, with best buddy Cameron Diaz in tow. The trio sat in VIP, where Drew and Justin "got cozy and made out in a corner table," says our spy.
I honestly only barely even remember who Drew Barrymore is. What the hell does she even do? No one sees her movies because she just makes the same GD one again and again. Her movies go good with lipstick. No dude would ever see a Drew Barrymore movie. If he did, you'd heard him say, "I was trying on some pretty dresses and ballet shoes while watching a Drew Barrymore movie…"
Drew Barrymore has been selected as the cover girl for People magazines Most Beautiful People issue, the annual collection of idiot hippie rambling and flattering photographs of old people and fat people who aren't attractive in any way. It's just crap like Drew Barrymore who is fat and has a terrifying profile, then some veterinarian and then Sophia Loren and then a cowboy and then Bill Clinton. To call it the Most Beautiful People is intellectually dishonest, at best. Keep in mind this monster was on it last year, and this and this monster made the cut this year. It should be called People magazines 100 Ways To Make Kids Cry. I'd rather look at People magazines 100 People Whose Chute Didn't Open.
For some unknown reason, Glamour magazine is putting Drew Barrymore on its next cover and did whatever the hell this is for a photoshoot. It actually puts me in a sentimental mood because that bear kinda looks like a puppy I used to have. I actually found him. Poor little guy. He was just sitting there. In some kids yard. At the end of a leash. With a red bow around his neck and a tag that said "Happy Birthday Jack!" Whatever the hell that was supposed to mean. Where did he come from, how did he end up there, what fate did those monsters have in store for him? I guess we'll never know, thanks to me and my courage.
This may finally explain why Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore are always laughing like idiots whenever they're around each other. It's because they're high off their ass. And if any of you young people think drugs won't wreck your mind, please note that Cameron and Drew appearing to be laying out and getting high in some city park. They probably think they're at some palatial resort in the Caribbean when in reality they're at the Johnson's family reunion. Little black girls are playing double dutch ten feet away while two of the biggest stars in Hollywood lay in dog shit getting stoned. Awesome.
Did someone slip me acid or does Cameron Diaz really look like this, like a villain in a sci-fi movie. I could make a "woman" out of pillowcases, saw dust and horse hair and it would be hotter than Cameron Diaz. Or Drew Barrymore, who has finally achieved her goal of becoming completely square. Sienna Miller seems to think she’s 14. Next year she'll wear footie pajamas and show up clutching a blanket and sucking her thumb.
