Wayne Gretzky Tells Dustin Johnson To Stop Fucking Around

By Lex August 07, 2014 @ 2:01 PM

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It’s refreshing in these times of Sodom to see a dad unapologetically demanding his future son-in-law live up to certain levels of decorum. If you want to marry my ass-Instagramming daughter, you will not be fucking other men’s wives, snorting coke, or drinking daily before 2pm. That’s a high price as Wayne Gretzky just redlined Dustin Johnson’s top three hobbies. Addicts tend to be pragmatic though and Dustin doesn’t need a fat psychic to tell him there’s a solid chance he’ll be living off Gretzky cash someday soon. Also, he doesn’t have a lot of friends to turn to these days as he’s kind of been nailing all their wives. That’s not quite as bad as not paying off your golf bets, but close.

It’s probably not easy being the dad of a girl whose primary talents are catching a lit cigarette between her tits and acid washing her panties. You want to get the dim-witted duckling in your brood settled down in a safe nest somewhere. If Gretzky were really old school, he’d pull out Old Canadian common law and force his daughter to marry an ice trucker in the Northwest Territories and make many babies. But then her Instagram followers would probably beat him to death with his own hockey stick. I’d be at the front of that pack.

Photo Credit: Paulina Gretzky/Instagram

Dustin Johnson Is The Coolest Golfer

By Matt August 05, 2014 @ 6:43 AM

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Its hard to be a rebel while wearing slacks and a visor, but Dustin Johnson has been blowing lines and fucked more than one PGA player’s wife. One wife notch could be written off as a coke fueled mistake, but two means you’re just an asshole. Johnson is engaged to Paulina Gretzky, who is super hot and given her lineage, has the IQ of a limestone quarry. But her tits are stupendous and you get to occasionally hang out with Wayne Gretzky who will tell you really cool hockey stories in his man cave.

Johnson may be acting out to convince himself he’s not a dork playing a game favored by retirees and Asian lesbians. Tiger Woods proved that once the world knows you’re a filthy narcissistic pervert your golf game goes straight to shit. Johnson will probably be out of the game entirely within a year before moving in with Wayne and his daughter and banging Janet Jones entire Pilates class. At least that’s a real sport.

Photo Credit: Twitter