Dylan Penn Has Arrived

By Lex April 10, 2014 @ 3:47 PM

Dylan Penn Poses Nude And Covered For Issue #7 Of Treats
I inherently want any child of Sean Penn to be successful. I feel the same way about abused and neglected dogs. I want them to be adopted into nice homes, or at least to be distracted by pictures of juicy bones to distract while being gassed. Being born Sean Penn’s daughter has to be seen as an unlucky twist of Fate. Even the random Asian babies shipped to obsessively neat gay couples in Hollywood feel bad for you. It’s good fortune when you can grow up and find your happiness niche taking off your clothes in magazines. Everybody gets to feel better about themselves. You’re vindicated. The Asian babies are happy. Sean Penn gets to roid rage battle dudes at the gym talking shit about his girl. This couldn’t have possibly worked out better for everybody.

Photo Credit: Treats

Playboy Has Lost Its Mojo

By Lex March 07, 2014 @ 7:21 PM

Dylan Penn Shows Cleavage In The January 2014 Issue Of GQ
Playboy offered Sean Penn’s hot daughter $150K to do a couple nudies in their magazine. Dylan Penn said no. It’s not because Hugh rose out of his hermetically sealed sarcophagus two years ago and handed a bloated Lindsay Lohan $1 million to be digitally cleaned up in his magazine, it’s because she was just, meh. which magazine is Playboy again? Dylan Penn’s publicists will try to convince you she’s on the verge of breaking big as a fashion model. She booked a Gap Outlet shoot and I think she wore the Del Taco taco in a 2-for coupon ad. She’s no fashion model. Not every good looking celebrity kid is cut out for the runway. Kendall Jenner might have the brains of a slowly boiled turnip, but she’s tall and skinny and closely resembles a walking mannequin. Dylan’s short and curvy with big tits. Which means every man in the world wants to bone you, provided roid-rage daddy isn’t lurking about, but you can’t do the heroin zombie bit on the catwalk. She’s topless glamor model material. She could be great too. She’d be perfect for Playboy, if this were thirty years ago.

Photo Credit: GQ

Dylan Penn Blessed to Look Like Mom

By Lex December 19, 2013 @ 5:50 PM

Dylan Penn Poses For A Bikini Photoshoot In The January 2014 Issue Of GQ Magazine
At one point, Robin Wright Penn was so good looking, she started cursing at Hollywood for only giving her roles for hot ladies. So she tried to ugly herself up and wear lots of bad makeup and disfiguring details so she could play more serious roles. This kind of smarmy devotion to her craft made her the perfect temporary wife for Sean Penn before he beat her or just wouldn’t shut the fuck up about Myanmar politics or some such shit that drove Robin Wright away. But before they went off to their separate Fortresses of Self-Importance, they made a baby girl. They called her Dylan, after Dylan Thomas, the Welsh poet both loved to name drop at Greenwich Village cocktail parties. 22-years later, we get to nearly see her tits in GQ. Which just goes to show you absolutely nothing.

Photo Credit: GQ