By Lex February 04, 2016 @ 10:24 PM
In the long lore of Penn family antics, changing your bikini top on a balcony in Rio isn’t quite up there with using your erect penis to save a child beneath a collapsed building in Haiti, but it’s certainly more adorable. Also it happened. Genetic destinies are a bear. You won the lottery with Sean Penn and Robin Wright. Or lost if your goal was to be sane and modestly pleased with life. Have a code word for everyone who loves you now. It’s only decent they get to a bunker before the nutso hammer comes down. Damn your tits are beautiful. Why her, God?
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex December 04, 2015 @ 11:52 AM
GQ is your gay friend who throws parties with tons of hot girls. I know you don’t have a gay friend who throws parties with tons of hot girls. Pretend. Large groups of attractive women feel cool and safe and half naked at his place because he’s consumed with the appropriate Windsor knot and if his signature punch has the right parts Prosecco. Also, he vouches for you and says you like to dance. There has to be a safe space for women to show off their tits and talk about the gender wage gap. Oh, there’s Charlotte McKinney. She says ISIL instead of ISIS. How pretentious. Turn on some house music. It’s time to dance.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex April 10, 2014 @ 3:47 PM
I inherently want any child of Sean Penn to be successful. I feel the same way about abused and neglected dogs. I want them to be adopted into nice homes, or at least to be distracted by pictures of juicy bones to distract while being gassed. Being born Sean Penn’s daughter has to be seen as an unlucky twist of Fate. Even the random Asian babies shipped to obsessively neat gay couples in Hollywood feel bad for you. It’s good fortune when you can grow up and find your happiness niche taking off your clothes in magazines. Everybody gets to feel better about themselves. You’re vindicated. The Asian babies are happy. Sean Penn gets to roid rage battle dudes at the gym talking shit about his girl. This couldn’t have possibly worked out better for everybody.
Photo Credit: Treats
By Lex March 07, 2014 @ 7:21 PM
Playboy offered Sean Penn’s hot daughter $150K to do a couple nudies in their magazine. Dylan Penn said no. It’s not because Hugh rose out of his hermetically sealed sarcophagus two years ago and handed a bloated Lindsay Lohan $1 million to be digitally cleaned up in his magazine, it’s because she was just, meh. which magazine is Playboy again? Dylan Penn’s publicists will try to convince you she’s on the verge of breaking big as a fashion model. She booked a Gap Outlet shoot and I think she wore the Del Taco taco in a 2-for coupon ad. She’s no fashion model. Not every good looking celebrity kid is cut out for the runway. Kendall Jenner might have the brains of a slowly boiled turnip, but she’s tall and skinny and closely resembles a walking mannequin. Dylan’s short and curvy with big tits. Which means every man in the world wants to bone you, provided roid-rage daddy isn’t lurking about, but you can’t do the heroin zombie bit on the catwalk. She’s topless glamor model material. She could be great too. She’d be perfect for Playboy, if this were thirty years ago.
Photo Credit: GQ
By Lex December 19, 2013 @ 5:50 PM
At one point, Robin Wright Penn was so good looking, she started cursing at Hollywood for only giving her roles for hot ladies. So she tried to ugly herself up and wear lots of bad makeup and disfiguring details so she could play more serious roles. This kind of smarmy devotion to her craft made her the perfect temporary wife for Sean Penn before he beat her or just wouldn’t shut the fuck up about Myanmar politics or some such shit that drove Robin Wright away. But before they went off to their separate Fortresses of Self-Importance, they made a baby girl. They called her Dylan, after Dylan Thomas, the Welsh poet both loved to name drop at Greenwich Village cocktail parties. 22-years later, we get to nearly see her tits in GQ. Which just goes to show you absolutely nothing.
Photo Credit: GQ