Ebola Seems to Be Going Well

By Lex August 18, 2014 @ 1:06 PM

Liberia seems like a fun place. Mobs of people who like to do things in mobs broke down a newly built ebola triage center in a Monrovia slum over the weekend because they believe the ebola outbreak is all some big government ruse. The throngs of highly passionate chanting Liberians broke through the non-existent security and grabbed all their relatives and other patients and told them they only had malaria and they could be treated at home by their families. You have to love a place where ‘only malaria’ is the hallelujah news. Everybody associated medically with the facility fled as the mob ripped the place apart, stole the few remaining medical supplies, and created a whirling dervish dust cloud of live ebola. When the mob receded, the place looked like a frat house the morning after a blowout spring party. Only instead of being hungover and then yelled at by the Dean, everybody is going to die by painfully bleeding out through their eyeballs and ass.

It’d be easy to mock the ignorance of Liberian mobs. Except for the fact that everybody is crazy panicked, desperate, and have zero direction on what to do to keep their families from being microscopically slaughtered. We have fiery riots in this country after the Lakers win championships. If we had ebola outbreaks, just fucking imagine Ferguson times a thousand.

Ebola Coming to the U.S.

By Lex August 08, 2014 @ 9:54 AM


The Centers for Disease Control in the U.S. now says that it’s inevitable that the Ebola virus will be spread into the U.S. This seems like a confident assertion given the CDC is flying people spitting Ebola out of their nose and mouths and asses into the U.S. on Southwest flights from West Africa through Kansas City and Midway airports, naturally. You probably thought that Southwest ticket seemed like a bargain. Now you have Ebola and probably seat herpes. Congratulations.

It is certainly possible that we could have ill people in the US who develop Ebola after having been exposed elsewhere. But we are confident that there will not be a large Ebola outbreak in the US  – some CDC guy to Congress

A small outbreak of Ebola does sound like a nothing really. A couple thousand people spitting up their bloody lung bits through their eyeballs ought not cause any type of panic.  We could always quarantine travel to and from the parts of West Africa where the virus is currently dancing in the streets, but that seems like a lot of work and TSA officials already have sore feet. It’s not like everybody’s just sitting on their hands and feet here waiting for the inevitable. Jenny McCarthy has already jumped into action by telling moms that Ebola vaccines will make their kids grow lobster claws out of their foreheads. So if you don’t want lobster claw forehead, don’t get vaccinated.

Photo credit: Getty Images

America Importing Ebola, Fuck Yeah

By Lex August 05, 2014 @ 12:04 PM


As if we couldn’t get more bad ass, or really fucking stupid, as a country. Now we’re inviting Ebola into our country. I couldn’t get  a visa for my potential future wife in from Kurdistan because she had a bear claw for a hand she lost in an industrial accident as a child, but somehow active live Ebola is not an immediate disqualification for customs process into the U.S. Most people run from Ebola, you know, because it makes you bleed to death through your eyes. Not America. Bring it on.

Many people question the wisdom of the CDC in allowing two infected patients onto U.S. soil, you know, because that’s basically how every horrible epidemic hot zone movie ever starts:

[The two Ebola patients] will be sealed off from anyone who isn’t wearing protective gear. Dr. Bruce Ribner, who will be treating them, said their families can speak with them through a plate-glass window.

Well, plate glass window seems safe enough to me. I don’t even really know what plate-glass means as opposed to just regular old glass, but I feel like it’s a strong enough measure to prevent 80% of us from perishing horribly in a pool of our own bubbly hemoglobin. Four thousand miles of open ocean waters seemed like a superior natural barrier, but I’m sure if I Google plate-glass I’ll see that I’m wrong. Goodbye, Dominos and porn. You really were my favorites.