Ebola Now Ruining Naked People Vacations

By Lex November 10, 2014 @ 7:06 AM

If there’s two things you don’t want to run into on vacation, it’s sand dunes filled with pasty white naked Europeans and a boat load of sickly looking African immigrants. Baywatch Canary Islands enacted protocol Numero Holy Shit when a rickety skiff full of feverish black persons ran aground at their nude beach. They ordered the Africans not to fucking move while they tossed them masks and lit their boat on fire. Then they ordered the weary travelers onto the back of an empty garbage truck and drove them to the other side of the island where a bunch of resort workers could quietly put them in another raft and shove them back out into the Atlantic. The Canary Islands, under the dominion of Spain, has a somewhat more harsh Ebola containment plan than the U.S. where high risk West African travelers are greeted with an autographed picture of Obama and annual passports to the Disneyland amusement parks.

It was later determined that none of the escapees from Africa were carrying the trendy deadly disease, just some run of the mill malaria and kuru. The people of the Canary Islands felt pretty shitty so they sent a dove carrying a message of peace out to the drifting death ship to apologize and wished them the best of luck on their 23-day trade wind drift toward South America.

Christie, Cuomo, and Bon Jovi Decide a Little Ebola Couldn’t Hurt

By Lex October 27, 2014 @ 1:06 PM

Governors have to occasionally eat in sandwich shops with regular people who scream at them so they have a different view on people with Ebola hanging out at their bowling alleys. While the President seems hell bent on importing as much Ebola as possible before anybody realizes he’s actually an alien lizard person in human costume, Governor Christie and Governor Cuomo ordered that all medical workers returning from Ebola Central be quarantined in plastic tents for 21 days. This after Doctor Without Borders But With Ebola licked his tongue across every one of the five boroughs after returning from West Africa. The new rule’s first test was a nurse returning from Sierra Leone who Governor Christie rolled up into plastic wrap and locked in a hazmat tent outside Newwark hospital. The nurse lasted about an hour inside the E.T. confines until she cried ‘inhumane treatment’. The White House responded by spanking the shit out of the governors over a policy that might discourage volunteers from traveling to West Africa to help Ebola patients and then immediately flying home to spread the disease. We wouldn’t want that. Hiss, Lord Lizard.

Whatever happened behind the scenes, threats of lost highway funds or Michelle putting more tapioca balls on kids school lunch plates, the governors backed down and announced that home quarantine with conjugals and Pink Dot deliveries would suffice for returning Ebola care workers not yet feverish. So, the Dr. Nancy Snyderman plan that worked extremely well until she got a hankering for Sbarro and put half of New Jersey at risk. For returning aid workers, this means a more comfortable quarantine period. And if you happen to come up Ebola, you can always create a massive city wide panic as space-suited EMTs risk their lives to rush you to hospitals where you can infect more nurses.

This seems to be a big win for the people of West Africa. For the people of the U.S., not so much. At least nobody at the U.N. can call us harsh or reactionary anymore. Or, you know, Ebola free.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Ebola Takes Manhattan

By Lex October 24, 2014 @ 8:36 AM


New York has Ebola. Wonderful. Now the rest of us get to hear about how New York Ebola is better than Ebola everywhere else. Dr. Craig Spencer traveled to Guinea last month to help patients with Ebola. Medical workers and family members throwing themselves onto the rotting corpses of their Ebola stricken loved ones represent by far the single highest risk category for Ebola contagion. But Dr. Spencer wanted to get back home to shtup the fiancee, cough on people in the subway, and go bowling with the boys in Brooklyn. They’re all shut down or quarantined now since Spencer was hauled off by plastic wrapped EMTs with a 103 degree fever and that water that makes everything in New York just taste better shooting out of his ass.

The Mayor of New York, his lesbian wife, whichever Cuomo is now Governor, and the new Ebola Czar got right on this situation by pretending to make important phone calls, mostly to one another. Obama vowed to cut back on U.S. funding for radio commercials in Western Africa encouraging people with bleeding eyes and calamitous diarrhea to visit America where the toilet paper makes your Ebola ass feel like a king.

I’m not sure why high-risk travelers feel it’s a groovy idea to re-enter the U.S. while potentially infected. According to Doctors Without Borders, they have all their West African returning physicians test themselves daily for any signs of the virus. Don’t they have rectal thermometers and Day Planners back in Africa? Better yet, Belgium, where all the Ebola travelers grab a quick waffle on their way to effortlessly transporting the virus across the rest of the world. It just takes three weeks of normal temps to assure you’re all good. That doesn’t seem like too much to ask to prevent killing innocent people just trying to get their bowl on in Brooklyn. Even the Ebola virus has to be thinking, what the fuck America, this was supposed to be harder.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Cam’ron Hawks Ebola Gear

By Matt October 21, 2014 @ 7:29 AM


For every national media scare there is a promotional product for sale. That’s what makes this country great. We turn ginned up cable news stories into opportunities for licensed merchandise. Occasional rapper and assault victim Cam’ron is selling an Ebola Mask on his group’s website with his face on it. The mask retails for $19.99 and is designed specifically for Ebola and being taunted until you kill yourself:

“Wrap it up and protect yourself from Ebola just like Killa Cam! PRE-ORDER – Ships 11/7/14. Provides complete protection while remaining light and comfortable. Polypropylene outer facing offers a soft, fluid protection barrier while the cellulose inner facing assures comfort and breathability.”

Of course this mask wouldn’t protect you from the common cold, let alone Ebola, and anyone who would believe so lacks the twenty bucks required to make the purchase in the first place. It’s unclear if this is an inside joke on Cam’ron’s part or if his fans are just exceptionally dim. My money’s on the latter. If you should ever see someone wearing this spit in their eyeball and tell them you have Ebola. This should not go unpunished.

Photo Credit: Dipset.com 

The Handsomest President Bitch Slaps Ebola

By Lex October 15, 2014 @ 12:25 PM

Shit gets real when the President cancels fundraising trips. You don’t just turn down the chance to be virtually fellated by decked out sycophants unless it’s time to don the cape and get ready for action. The entire U.S. Cabinet is being assembled tonight at the Hall of Justice to figure out what to do about Ebola. Yes, Agriculture and Housing and Urban Development will be in the house. Naturally, they could shut down all air travel originating from the three countries that have 99.9% of the Ebola cases, but that could be seen as culturally insensitive and potentially effective. CDC protocols seem to be handling the contagion pretty well so far, unless you’re the second nurse tested positive today in Dallas for Ebola. She’s being transported to Atlanta because everybody forgets about Atlanta and they could use some frightening headlines of their own.

Possible game changing actions being discussed at the White House include writing a sharp and accusatory letter to Ebola, economic sanctions on Iran, just because, and scheduling more meetings. If need be, Obama will move right to a U.N. resolution condemning Ebola, though not by name, and having Michelle figure out a hip acronym for EBOLA and teaching it to America’s school kids in the place of mathematics. Walk away now, Ebola. Walk away or you will be escorted.

Ebola Update: that second news flew on a Frontier airlines flight between Cleveland and Dallas over the past weekend while her Ebola fever was just beginning to rise. The CDC thinks maybe that wasn’t such a good idea and this could even be a breach of protocol 715(d), subsection 11-a wherein people from Cleveland gets smote by God once again.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Ebola Chapter 2: Wherein the Unspreadable Virus Spreads

By Lex October 13, 2014 @ 8:47 AM


A nurse who treated Ebola Guy in Dallas has tested positive for Ebola. The CDC, who exists now entirely to assure people they can’t possibly contract Ebola, blames the transmission to the nurse on an error in protocols. Specifically, while the nurse was wearing gloves and masks and gowns and face masks, she was not wearing the full Apollo 13 head to toe space suit with respirator which is highly recommended if you drew the short stick job of assisting vomiting and spewing Ebola patients. In short, so long as nobody makes any mistakes, we’re all good. Just like the Raiders would be 5-0 if they didn’t make mistakes. The nurse’s apartment has been sprayed down and quarantined while all of her worldly possessions have been packed into sealed steel drums. Just think about that the next time you complain about your neighbor being the worst. Also, men in super scary suits cornered her dog. The Dallas mayor said officials have a “plan to take care of the pet”. I’m sure they mean a farm filled with rabbits and t-bone steaks.

The CDC is reminding everybody that if we just stick to the protocol nobody knowns or has been trained for, we’re going to be just fine. As a precaution, they recommend you call you loved ones and remind them how important they are to you.

Photo credit: Getty Images