Ebola Takes Manhattan

By Lex October 24, 2014 @ 8:36 AM

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New York has Ebola. Wonderful. Now the rest of us get to hear about how New York Ebola is better than Ebola everywhere else. Dr. Craig Spencer traveled to Guinea last month to help patients with Ebola. Medical workers and family members throwing themselves onto the rotting corpses of their Ebola stricken loved ones represent by far the single highest risk category for Ebola contagion. But Dr. Spencer wanted to get back home to shtup the fiancee, cough on people in the subway, and go bowling with the boys in Brooklyn. They’re all shut down or quarantined now since Spencer was hauled off by plastic wrapped EMTs with a 103 degree fever and that water that makes everything in New York just taste better shooting out of his ass.

The Mayor of New York, his lesbian wife, whichever Cuomo is now Governor, and the new Ebola Czar got right on this situation by pretending to make important phone calls, mostly to one another. Obama vowed to cut back on U.S. funding for radio commercials in Western Africa encouraging people with bleeding eyes and calamitous diarrhea to visit America where the toilet paper makes your Ebola ass feel like a king.

I’m not sure why high-risk travelers feel it’s a groovy idea to re-enter the U.S. while potentially infected. According to Doctors Without Borders, they have all their West African returning physicians test themselves daily for any signs of the virus. Don’t they have rectal thermometers and Day Planners back in Africa? Better yet, Belgium, where all the Ebola travelers grab a quick waffle on their way to effortlessly transporting the virus across the rest of the world. It just takes three weeks of normal temps to assure you’re all good. That doesn’t seem like too much to ask to prevent killing innocent people just trying to get their bowl on in Brooklyn. Even the Ebola virus has to be thinking, what the fuck America, this was supposed to be harder.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Cam’ron Hawks Ebola Gear

By Matt October 21, 2014 @ 7:29 AM

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For every national media scare there is a promotional product for sale. That’s what makes this country great. We turn ginned up cable news stories into opportunities for licensed merchandise. Occasional rapper and assault victim Cam’ron is selling an Ebola Mask on his group’s website with his face on it. The mask retails for $19.99 and is designed specifically for Ebola and being taunted until you kill yourself:

“Wrap it up and protect yourself from Ebola just like Killa Cam! PRE-ORDER – Ships 11/7/14. Provides complete protection while remaining light and comfortable. Polypropylene outer facing offers a soft, fluid protection barrier while the cellulose inner facing assures comfort and breathability.”

Of course this mask wouldn’t protect you from the common cold, let alone Ebola, and anyone who would believe so lacks the twenty bucks required to make the purchase in the first place. It’s unclear if this is an inside joke on Cam’ron’s part or if his fans are just exceptionally dim. My money’s on the latter. If you should ever see someone wearing this spit in their eyeball and tell them you have Ebola. This should not go unpunished.

Photo Credit: Dipset.com 

The Handsomest President Bitch Slaps Ebola

By Lex October 15, 2014 @ 12:25 PM

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Shit gets real when the President cancels fundraising trips. You don’t just turn down the chance to be virtually fellated by decked out sycophants unless it’s time to don the cape and get ready for action. The entire U.S. Cabinet is being assembled tonight at the Hall of Justice to figure out what to do about Ebola. Yes, Agriculture and Housing and Urban Development will be in the house. Naturally, they could shut down all air travel originating from the three countries that have 99.9% of the Ebola cases, but that could be seen as culturally insensitive and potentially effective. CDC protocols seem to be handling the contagion pretty well so far, unless you’re the second nurse tested positive today in Dallas for Ebola. She’s being transported to Atlanta because everybody forgets about Atlanta and they could use some frightening headlines of their own.

Possible game changing actions being discussed at the White House include writing a sharp and accusatory letter to Ebola, economic sanctions on Iran, just because, and scheduling more meetings. If need be, Obama will move right to a U.N. resolution condemning Ebola, though not by name, and having Michelle figure out a hip acronym for EBOLA and teaching it to America’s school kids in the place of mathematics. Walk away now, Ebola. Walk away or you will be escorted.

Ebola Update: that second news flew on a Frontier airlines flight between Cleveland and Dallas over the past weekend while her Ebola fever was just beginning to rise. The CDC thinks maybe that wasn’t such a good idea and this could even be a breach of protocol 715(d), subsection 11-a wherein people from Cleveland gets smote by God once again.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Ebola Chapter 2: Wherein the Unspreadable Virus Spreads

By Lex October 13, 2014 @ 8:47 AM

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A nurse who treated Ebola Guy in Dallas has tested positive for Ebola. The CDC, who exists now entirely to assure people they can’t possibly contract Ebola, blames the transmission to the nurse on an error in protocols. Specifically, while the nurse was wearing gloves and masks and gowns and face masks, she was not wearing the full Apollo 13 head to toe space suit with respirator which is highly recommended if you drew the short stick job of assisting vomiting and spewing Ebola patients. In short, so long as nobody makes any mistakes, we’re all good. Just like the Raiders would be 5-0 if they didn’t make mistakes. The nurse’s apartment has been sprayed down and quarantined while all of her worldly possessions have been packed into sealed steel drums. Just think about that the next time you complain about your neighbor being the worst. Also, men in super scary suits cornered her dog. The Dallas mayor said officials have a ”plan to take care of the pet”. I’m sure they mean a farm filled with rabbits and t-bone steaks.

The CDC is reminding everybody that if we just stick to the protocol nobody knowns or has been trained for, we’re going to be just fine. As a precaution, they recommend you call you loved ones and remind them how important they are to you.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Ebola Be Gone!

By Lex October 10, 2014 @ 1:45 PM

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The White House acted fast in this Ebola criss that started a long time ago by reversing their policy of encouraging West African travelers with raging fevers to come to America to purchase our custom slogan t-shirts to now special screening those very same passengers at five U.S. airports.

Passengers arriving from West Africa to Atlanta, New York, Chicago or D.C. now will be pulled into a separate line in customs where they will have their temperatures taken and be given a speech begging them to not respond to any future Ebola like symptoms by visiting the nearest Chuck E. Cheese and licking all the pizzas. Any sequestered passengers testing with high fevers or other Ebola symptoms will be escorted to a special CDC holding area while heavyset TSA officials race into the streets after all the other people who just spent twelve hours locked in an air-tight cylinder with the Ebola carriers.

America, rest easy tonight. We’ve got this Ebola thing figured out.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Ebola Seems to Be Doing Well in Dallas

By Lex October 01, 2014 @ 11:29 AM

US-Ebola-Patient-May-Have-Exposed-School-Age-Children,-Governor-Said---ABC-News

It turns out Ebola patient zero, Thomas Duncan, went to the emergency room in Dallas last week with a high fever and the admitting staff kind of forgot to note that Duncan specifically informed him that he was visiting from Liberia. You know, the epic water slides and Ebola capital of the world. That hospital sent him home with antibiotics and some Welcome to America gift packs and coupons to see the Southfork Ranch.

It’s like a grungy chick from Colombia showing up with intense stomach pains. X-Ray that shit for condoms. I’d quarantine a dude from West Africa if he came in with a hang nail. Now the CDC is hurriedly tracking down everybody Duncan came in contact with between the time he was released from the emergency room last Friday and the time he was spewing Ebola in the back of an ambulance headed to the lock down room at Dallas Presbyterian. It’s a bunch of people. Including kids. Fuck, we love kids. The next time somebody tells you Ebola doesn’t spread in countries like the U.S. because of our super smart modern medical practices, just laugh to yourself and climb into some hazmat gear that will hold you until 2020 when the sign language apes take over.

Photo credit: ABC/Good Morning America