Ebola Now Ruining Naked People Vacations

If there's two things you don't want to run into on vacation, it's sand dunes filled with pasty white naked Europeans and a boat load of sickly looking African immigrants. Baywatch Canary Islands enacted protocol Numero Holy Shit when a rickety skiff full of feverish black persons ran aground at their nude beach. They ordered the Africans not to fucking move while they tossed them masks and lit their boat on fire....

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Christie, Cuomo, and Bon Jovi Decide a Little Ebola Couldn't Hurt

Governors have to occasionally eat in sandwich shops with regular people who scream at them so they have a different view on people with Ebola hanging out at their bowling alleys. While the President seems hell bent on importing as much Ebola as possible before anybody realizes he's actually an alien lizard person in human costume, Governor Christie and Governor Cuomo ordered that all medical workers returning from...

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Ebola Takes Manhattan

New York has Ebola. Wonderful. Now the rest of us get to hear about how New York Ebola is better than Ebola everywhere else. Dr. Craig Spencer traveled to Guinea last month to help patients with Ebola. Medical workers and family members throwing themselves onto the rotting corpses of their Ebola stricken loved ones represent by far the single highest risk category for Ebola contagion. But Dr. Spencer wanted to get...

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Cam'ron Hawks Ebola Gear

For every national media scare there is a promotional product for sale. That's what makes this country great. We turn ginned up cable news stories into opportunities for licensed merchandise.Occasional rapper and assault victim Cam'ron is selling an Ebola Mask on his group's website with his face on it. The mask retails for $19.99 and is designed specifically for Ebola and being taunted until you kill yourself: "Wrap...

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The Handsomest President Bitch Slaps Ebola

Shit gets real when the President cancels fundraising trips. You don't just turn down the chance to be virtually fellated by decked out sycophants unless it's time to don the cape and get ready for action. The entire U.S. Cabinet is being assembled tonight at the Hall of Justice to figure out what to do about Ebola. Yes, Agriculture and Housing and Urban Development will be in the house. Naturally, they could shut...

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Ebola Chapter 2: Wherein the Unspreadable Virus Spreads

A nurse who treated Ebola Guy in Dallashas tested positive for Ebola. The CDC, who exists now entirely to assure people they can't possibly contract Ebola, blames the transmission to the nurse on an error in protocols. Specifically, while the nurse was wearing gloves and masks and gowns and face masks, she was not wearing the full Apollo 13 head to toe space suit with respirator which is highly recommended if you drew...

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Ebola Be Gone!

The White House acted fast in this Ebola criss that started a long time ago by reversing their policy of encouraging West African travelers with raging fevers to come to America to purchase our custom slogan t-shirts to now special screening those very same passengers at five U.S. airports. Passengers arriving from West Africa to Atlanta, New York, Chicago or D.C. now will be pulled into a separate line in customs...

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Ebola Seems to Be Doing Well in Dallas

It turns out Ebola patient zero, Thomas Duncan, went to the emergency room in Dallas last week with a high fever and the admitting staff kind of forgot to note that Duncan specifically informed him that he was visiting from Liberia. You know, the epic water slides and Ebola capital of the world. That hospital sent him home with antibiotics and some Welcome to America gift packs and coupons to see the Southfork Ranch....

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Ebola Seems to Be Going Well

Liberia seems like a fun place. Mobs of people who like to do things in mobs broke down a newly built ebola triage center in a Monrovia slum over the weekend because they believe the ebola outbreak is all some big government ruse. The throngs of highly passionate chanting Liberians broke through the non-existent security and grabbed all their relatives and other patients and told them they only had malaria and they...

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Ebola Coming to the U.S.

The Centers for Disease Control in the U.S. now says that it's inevitable that the Ebola virus will be spread into the U.S. This seems like a confident assertion given the CDC is flying people spitting Ebola out of their nose and mouths and asses into the U.S. on Southwest flights from West Africa through Kansas City and Midway airports, naturally. You probably thought that Southwest ticket seemed like a bargain. Now...

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America Importing Ebola, Fuck Yeah

As if we couldn't get more bad ass, or really fucking stupid, as a country. Now we're inviting Ebola into our country. I couldn't get a visa for my potential future wife in from Kurdistan because she had a bear claw for a hand she lost in an industrial accident as a child, but somehow active live Ebola is not an immediate disqualification for customs process into the U.S. Most people run from Ebola, you know, because...

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