Some unknown comic named Brando Murphy filed a defamation lawsuit against Eddie Murphy for $50 million dollars for telling everybody that Brando wasn’t his son, just one super unfunny motherfucker who should be working the guacamole scooper at Chipotle. For some time now, Brando has been showing up at the Coffee Beans where Eddie hangs out screaming aloud that Eddie is his father. He probably has plans to kill Eddie and conjugal with his hot young blond girlfriend. I can’t blame him on that last one. Well, those last two.
Brando says he is a comedian and performed on something called ‘The Sons Of Comedy Tour’, which was neither comedy nor a tour, but did feature Richard Pryor’s actual son selling his soul for Steel Reserve money. Brando claims his ‘management’ told him to file the lawsuit, because imaginary managers are extremely litigious. Eddie Murphy has been very careful to distance himself from riffraff, save for the ones who wear a wig and gobble his knob like no woman ever could. Thankfully, this story ends rather happily with Brando Murphy now agreeing to drop the frivolous lawsuit and focus on his main passions of stalking and harassment.
Eddie Murphy and his model girlfriend Paige Butcher were hanging out in Los Angeles yesterday, when they were greeted by two crossdressers who were trying to give them roses, and it’s funny because Eddie was once caught with a transvestite prostitute in his car one morning back in 1997 and we will never ever forget that. At least I think these women are crossdressers, because they’re just so gorgeous and exotic, and I’m not even sure how people can tell that they’re actually men. Maybe it’s the muscle tone or the way they talk, but otherwise I’d have a hard time believing that they’re not Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian.
Nicole Murphy, who has been divorced from Eddie Murphy for 6 years yet still uses his last name to open doors, enjoyed some leisure time in Beverly Hills yesterday, which was possible since her only job is occasionally blowing rich guys (currently Michael Strahan).
Here we see her showing off the trim physique that will make her a certain favorite if they ever hold a Gold Digging Whore Olympics.
Brett Ratner is the one who convinced Eddie Murphy to host the Academy Awards on February 26th, so now that Ratner has been fired for saying “fag”, Murphy is stepping down too. Maybe because he really really likes saying “fag”.
Eddie Murphy rarely does any interviews, you’d think he was in SEAL Team 6 for fucks sake, so when he sat down with Rolling Stone recently for this one, he really made it count.
On if he’ll do any more kids movies…
“I don’t have any interest in that right now. There’s really no blueprint, but I’m trying to do some edgy stuff. And I only want to do what I really want to do, otherwise I’m content to sit here and play my guitar all day.”
On ‘Beverly Hills Cop IV’…
“They’re not doing it. None of the movie scripts were right; it was trying to force the premise. If you have to force something, you shouldn’t be doing it. It was always a rehash of the old thing. It was always wrong.”
On returning to stand up comedy…
“If I ever get back onstage, I’m going to have a really great show for you all. An hour and a half of stand-up and about 40 minutes of my shitty band… But I haven’t done it since I was 27, so why fuck with it? But that’s just weighing both sides. It comes up too much for me to not do it again. It’s like, when it hits me, I’ll do it, eventually.”
This would be great because Eddie Murphy can still be really really funny, but most of his stand-up was things like, “look at this faggot ass faggot” and “what if the President was black?” I’m not so sure you can still do that. That was the 80′s, when homophobia and racism seemed perfectly reasonable.
Steve Martin went on his website (wait what?) and posted some advice for Eddie Murphy when he hosts the Oscars this year. Some if it is funny (mocking losers), some of it is not (a hanging chad reference?) but at least he tried. Unlike you, who just sat there this whole time. God I hate you so much!