Sean Penn and El Chapo Muy Simpatico (VIDEO)

By Lex January 11, 2016 @ 12:06 PM

Interview-With-El-Chapo

Rolling Stone magazine which occasionally makes up stories for shits and giggles sent actor, activist, and ageless angry dickweed Sean Penn into the jungles of Mexico for a secret interview with escaped Sinaloa drug lord, El Chapo. Penn was directed to El Chapo in hiding by a Mexican telenovela actress because he gets a surprising amount of top notch pussy for an old dude with a chin beard. Rolling Stone was probably sitting on the interview for a more precious release, but when El Chapo got re-re-arrested they had to spew it out fast. It’s primarily video taped interviews where El Chapo explains El Chapo in about as interesting a manner as an actor talking about what led him to eventually star in some big time crappy movie. Your plumber will never tell you about the middle school teacher who most influenced him into his profession, so tip him extra.

Sean Penn nods his head graciously and thoughtfully in good measure because despite spending the better part of his middle years befriending Latin American thugs, he hasn’t really invested any time in learning Spanish. Maybe turn on the Rosetta Stone every now and then when doing power lifts in your home gym? What we ultimately learn from El Chapo isn’t much. He said he doesn’t touch his shit and blames Americans for loving smack and toot which is pretty fair. He also mentions how removing him from the landscape won’t do shit to diminish the drug trade since somebody will simply take his place. Also accurate. Alas, the time to make your sensible political statements is before you behead a thousand people and bury their children alive.

Rolling Stone allowed El Chapo to have final say on what made his published interview, which is to say, this piece violates every single rule of journalism. I’m pretty sure Mike Wallace didn’t let Khomeini in he Avid bay to cut his 60 Minutes segment. Rumor is that Sean Penn may be in trouble with the DEA for sneaking off to meet El Chapo in a hideout the U.S. government probably is paying for under some obtuse scheme. Penn may also face retribution from the drug cartel since El Chapo was discovered by authorities shortly after their secret meeting in the mountains. It’s unlikely Penn snitched since he adores anything anti-U.S., but it is possible somebody planted a tracking device in his perfect 3-day growth shaving kit.

If this ends with both El Chapo and Sean Penn in a U.S. prison where rape is not allowed, but tacitly encouraged like at a Sigma Nu 151 punch party, then we will all be winners. Senor Spicoli, it’s activity hour again. The boss doesn’t like so much when you cry. Hint hint.

El Chapo Ha Sido Detenido

By Lex January 08, 2016 @ 11:10 AM

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You know shit has gone down when Presidents Tweet. Obama mostly trolls chicks and fat shames Amy Schumer. Mexican President Enrique Nieto announced he’d recaptured escaped drug kingpin El Chapo. He said ‘we’ actually so maybe like he and some other guy did it. My Spanish is actually pretty poor. It’s possible his Tweet says they had lunch together and discussed how much it would take to get him in a prison with pre-dug tunnels since his last escape cost him a small fortune in bulldozer rentals. Mexican politicians make Hillary Clinton look like the old lady who returns elven cents to a store because she realizes she got too much money back in change decades earlier. That’s a horrible analogy, but you get the general idea. They’re corrupt motherfuckers.

Nobody’s yet been able to identify what good comes of imprisoning the leader of a drug cartel. It’s not as if the sub-jefes in the business throw up their hands and decide to go back to working the back of the house at Denny’s. You can arrest a dozen greedy grifters on Wall Street every year. That won’t stop property derivatives from sending the economy into the tank. Still, politics is about the show. El Chapo is a good get, even the third time around. Alert the company in Mexico responsible for building hot tubs and futbol lounges in prisons. The little big guy is back. Viva El Chapo.

El Chapo Takes on ISIS

By Lex December 10, 2015 @ 12:52 PM

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While American political leadership is baking Halal cookies for ISIS, one man stands super short above the fray determined to fight terror with terror. El Chapo. The recently escaped or possibly just-let-go Sinaloa drug cartel leader sent an open letter to ISIS insisting he’s going to blast the Islamic terrorists direct to Allah if they ever mess with his drugs again. In a weird bout of relativist morality, ISIS soldiers have been torching drug shipments they capture from the central American cartel headed for the party capitals of the Middle East.

You [ISIS] are not soldiers. You are nothing but lowly pussies. Your god cannot save you from the true terror that my men will levy at you if you continue to impact my operation. My men will destroy you. The world is not yours to dictate. I pity the next son of a whore that tries to interfere with the business of the Sinaloa Cartel. I will have their heart and tongue torn from them.

Very similar to Obama’s speech, with just a dash of directness. This is the way men who behead other people speak to one another. No dancing. It’s unclear what if anything El Chapo and his drug army could really do to ISIS. The New York Sicilian mafia has previously agreed to step up the fight against ISIS in absence of American leadership. It’s ultimately tough to intimidate people who are sort of hoping to be killed. Still, never underestimate the fury of a ripped off drug dealer. The virgins are all going to giggle when you show up with your balls cut off. Adios Akbar.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Mexican Drug Lord Calls Trump a Faggot

By Lex July 14, 2015 @ 8:08 AM

Mexican-Newspaper-Salesman

Sinaloa drug cartel little jefe El Chapo escaped once again from prison in Mexico. Escaped seems like an overstatement since the Mexican army corps of engineers dug him a mile-long industrial grade tunnel to leisurely walk him away from the facility. The second thing El Chapo did after fucking tons of chicks and drinking tequila through the nostrils of his decapitated enemies was to Tweet Donald Trump and call him a faggot, immediately creating a conundrum for self-described progressives as to whom to root for. The greedy corporate businessman who hates Mexicans or the heroin kingpin from Mexico who uses homophobic hate speech.

Keep screwing (with us) and I’m going to make you eat your fucking words you lousy white faggot.

It’s unclear if possibly somebody created a fake El Chapo Twitter account to write the message. Though it is clear that people in Mexico who pretend to be El Chapo have their entire bloodlines sliced to pieces with machetes. It’s akin to Taylor Swift in this country. Trump fired back by accusing the Mexican government of aiding in El Chapo’s escape, which infuriated the Mexican government who felt they did much more than just assist. Gringos just don’t understand how hard it is to look the other way at just the right time.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Zero Dark Pedo Mustache

By Lex February 24, 2014 @ 6:48 PM

I thought I was pissed about that waffle taco, but when I surveyed my true feelings, the Mexi-thing that was making me mad was this manhunt for Joaquín Guzmán Loera, aka El Chapo aka Shorty the drug kingpin of Sinaloa. Just look at this bad-ass. Forget Bin Laden, this Denny’s fry cook looking bastard has been killing thousands of Americans by forcing them to snort piles of cocaine. Without El Chapo, Lamar Odom is visiting juice bars at 3am and Chris Farley is making the same crappy movie for the fourteenth time. On the lam for years, El Chapo was finally captured over the weekend by the Mexican Navy, who couldn’t be bribed because nobody even knew there was such a thing as the Mexican Navy. With this drug kingpin behind bars, you can expect drug use in the United States to drop by anywhere from really close to zero percent to true zero. It will take the Mexican cartels minutes, if not hours to replace El Chapo in the hierarchy and keep the condom swallowing and government corruption unabated. The waffle taco can live, the fake drug war needs to die. I mean, we can kill this guy first too, for that pedo-mustache alone he probably deserves to choke on a tilapia until he’s dead.