06.01.2007 NEXT WEEKEND IS HUGE

Today is boring.  To sum up, Lindsay Lohan is a retard and Paris Hilton is a different type of retard.  So, if you want, you can get a feel for next weekends big movies and be scared out of your fucking wits and maybe throw up at your desk while watching a leaked clip from Eli Roths "Hostel II" (link at the bottom).  In it, a naked and dangling Heather Matarazzo gets cut up and Edwige Fenechher Monika Malacova does her best Elizabeth Bathory impression (oooo, someones been watching history international).  Or, you can go over to Time.com and read a cool interview with Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Ellen Barkin about "Oceans 13".  A sample:

CLOONEY: The last real movie stars were probably Redford and Newman. And things were different then. There wasn't this amazing amount of magazines and information about them.
DAMON: We didn't know anything about them.
CLOONEY: There was mystique. They're 60 feet high, and you paid your buck and a half to go see them. But that's gone. People know everything about everybody now.
PITT: Jaws came along and proved you could make huge money with blockbusters, and it set this thing in motion that has lowered the subject matter. People like George have been getting good stuff out there, but it's an industry that pushes people out on the big stage too fast, before they're ready, and it eats them up as well. It's a different kind of arena now.
BARKIN: Think about it. Do we know anything about Robert Redford's children? Does he even have any?
DAMON: I worked with him, and I don't know.
PITT: I have four, if you haven't heard.

They also reveal some fun trivia like Brad and George were the last two finalists for the role in "Thelma and Louise" that ultimately went to Brad and that Bruce Willis turned down the role of Danny Ocean.  Another piece of trivia is that if Brad Pitt was our 11th president, he'd be James Polk and known for his foreign policy success. 

WARNING - this clip from Hostel II is EXTREMELY GRAPHIC and not for the faint of heart.



04.09.2007 EVERYONE SUCKS

Dear god, the numbers from this weekends box office are in and they reveal a very disappointing pull for "Grindhouse".  Despite being awesome in every way, it came in fourth place and earned a surprisingly low $11.5 million.  Lazy ass comedy "Blades of Glory" somehow topped the weekend with $23 million, bringing its two week total to a heart-breaking $69 million.  "Meet the Robinsons" was number 2 this weekend, earning $17 million.  Even a family comedy with Ice Cube beat "Grindhouse", as "Are We Done Yet" came in third and pulled $15 million.  

And this is why most movies and TV suck.  Because whenever anyone tries something different it's rejected out of hand and producers of boring crap like Blades of Glory and Family Guy roll around in giant piles of money like Scrooge McDuck.  Whoever finds this crap funny must have a pretty weird sense of humor, because the entire thing is so lazy it ends up more depressing than United 93 .  “Two gentlemen - ice skating - TOGETHER?!?  This is highly unusual!  The shock from this hilarious premise caused my top hat to leap from my head and my monocle fell into my champagne glass as I fainted on one of the peacocks!  My heart cant take any more of this edgy Hollywood comedy!  Mine eyes have seen the glory - Blades of Glory, that is!!!”



03.15.2007 HOSTEL 2 IS CONFUSING

I'm begging Hollywood to stop doing this.  Are they trying to entertain me or get me arrested.  My penis is so confused.  The good news is "Hostel, part II" promises hot naked chicks. The bad news is they have no head.  I'm not technically a therapist, but I have to assume getting a hard-on while looking at the cross section of a brain isn’t the most mentally healthy thing in the world. Jacking off to a girl with no head has to be illegal.

("Hostel, part II" stars underrated heat Lauren German among others and you can see a just released extended clip here)