Halloween is supposed to be the happiest drunkest place on earth. But sometimes being young and beautiful and affording the expensive tampons just isn’t enough. Aw, Petunia, you’ve got yourself a case of the miserables. It was hard not to notice how many chicks looked absolutely miserable at the Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party. Jessica Alba, buck the fuck up, you’re a diaper billionaire with perfect tits. Suki Waterhouse, who the fuck sunk your battleship? You need to self-deport. The rest of you, the kitty cat, the fat one, I don’t know who you all are, but keep the battered wife faces at home. This is Halloween. Normal people are trying to get loaded and cop some cheap feels. Quit ruining everything.
Ellen’s produced sitcom about a super hot blond lesbian chick making a baby with her supportive straight guy friend isn’t doing well with critics outside of those in Hollywood who fear for their working lives. You talk shit about Ellen in the Thirty Mile Zone, you might as well take your own life in the tub like the defeated Roman generals. The show will continue on given nobody has the balls to face Ellen across her mighty oak desk and explain that the funnier lesbian jokes are about lesbians and not by lesbians because that’s human nature. Also why Margaret Cho lives in an apartment. America is more than ready for lesbians, just check out pay cable after 10pm. Just not sandals and Subaru jokes. You’ve got Kelly Brook locked up for twelve more episodes. I’m no fancy TV writer, but if she and Elisha Cuthbert start motorboating in the shower, you could pocket another Montecito mansion in tokens. I’m ready to accept my GLAAD Media Award now.
Ellen Degeneres produced a TV show and picked the random category of lesbian as the subject matter. It’s Elisha Cuthbert as a hot stacked lesbian the way lesbians dream lesbians look but only really exist to be married to crazy rich lesbians like Ellen. Everybody else gets Janeane Garofalo. I know she’s not gay, but you get what I’m saying. A very small number of women are hogging all the good lesbians.
The show centers on a super handsome guy who agrees to make a baby with his lesbian best friend only to fall in love with Kelly Brook because her tits are enormous even though they can’t show them on network television since it’s determined to go completely out of business soon. The show is groundbreaking in that there are currently only 45 gay regular characters on television and Elisha Cuthbert’s will be the least realistic. Shame on you, Ellen. You’ve betrayed your people for a few network ad dollars. Though if you got a little taste of Kelly Brook snatch during casting, you’re still my hero.
If Elisha Cuthbert isn’t in your tug vault, then it’s time for a banking audit. So fucking hot. As she was back in 24 as the teen with the boobs that were always in trouble, to turning boys into men in The Girl Next Door to being the hottest sloppy seconds Canadian hockey fan ever. And in these new photos of her shooting out in the desert. Yeah, somebody spent a lot of time with makeup and hair to try and make her ‘interesting’ to women, but we can see beyond that wasted effort. Elisha was built for men. We don’t care if she’s interesting.
NO STRINGS ATTACHED – was the only new movie in theaters this week, and it made 20 million to win a very slow weekend box office. So finally we’ve discovered that people will watch an Ashton Kutcher movie, as long as they have nothing else to choose from. (box office mojo)
SKINS – has lost two more sponsors, Subway and Schick, citing concerns that the show may be child pornography. Jersey Shore went through this same kind of thing when they started, though for different reasons, and now it’s the biggest show MTV has. It’s also dumb on Schicks part because I assume pedophiles buy lots of razors. (hr, tmz)
CHRISTINA AGUILERA – will sing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl in two weeks, then play guard for Pittsburgh. (the sun)
OPRAH WINFREY – revealed on todays show that she has a sister she never knew about. “Oprah explained that her mother had kept her pregnancy a secret and (gave the baby) up for adoption when she was nine years old.” Wait, Oprah was 9? And she never noticed her mom was pregnant? Jeez, open your eyes dummy. And women take advice from this dolt? (ew)
ELISHA CUTHBERT – has still got it, as she showed in the Toronto airport this weekend. “It” being horrible taste in clothes and a nose like a piggy. (splash)
Elisha Cuthbert is in Hawaii this week, just like the last few times she’s been on Tyler. The difference being, this time she’s put on like five hundred pounds and looks like hell. Also she seems to be alone this time. That’s not coincidence. She’s probably only there because she dropped a slice of pizza last time, and it suddenly just occurred to her where she last saw it.