By Lex October 05, 2015 @ 11:48 AM
Elle Fanning has made several hundred movies I’ve never seen. She’s only seventeen but started at birth. They filmed her crowning with two men in the background weeping because their surrogate delivered them a perfect gay couple baby. Slap a gold laurel leaf on that movie one sheet. It’s easy to be jealous of Elle Fanning. She doesn’t even jog like most girls. You know what I’m talking about. If she’s that pale and never gets melanoma, we should probably clone her genetics and use them to fill in the Planned Parenthood eugenics valley. The sports bra seems superfluous but why nitpick. Your mile is almost over, sweetheart.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex September 24, 2015 @ 1:22 PM
Here’s something to look forward to: tons of movies about young people changing genders. There’s a dozen of them lined up already. If you’ve written a novel about a transgendered youth in the past decade, your book just got bought by a movie studio. Congratulations. I know you thought it was an art piece. Now it’s winning an Oscar for best future Oscar speech by an actor with a message of inclusiveness. Elle Fanning stars in About Ray, the latest tranny themed flick, picked up by the Weinsteins at a film festival where the movie received a standing ovation before it even began. Such is the power of LGBT. Stand and clap or may I ask, how does Vladivostok in the winter sound to you?
About Ray: Family living under one roof in New York must deal with a life-changing transformation by one that ultimately affects them all. Ray is a teenager who has come to the realization that she isn’t meant to be a girl and has decided to transition from female to male. His single mother, Maggie, must track down Ray’s biological father to get his legal consent to allow Ray’s transition. Dolly, Ray’s lesbian grandmother, is having a hard time accepting that she now has a grandson. They must each confront their own identities and learn to embrace change and their strength as a family in order to ultimately find acceptance and understanding.
What part about that don’t you love? The 2010 Census found about 22,000 people in the U.S. who had changed their gender. That’s out of about 220 million adults forming a math problem the simplicity of which I can solve. One in ten thousand people in this country are transgender. A bunch more change their name or dress up in leotards for selfies, but that’s the raw number of actual gender changers. Expect the ratio of films about transgendered to be slightly higher than one in ten thousand. A factor of five hundred seems like a good politically correct multiplier. You don’t have to see the movies, but you do have to hear me bitch about each and every one of them. You don’t need that.
Photo Credit: ID Magazine
By Lex July 03, 2015 @ 11:52 AM
Elle Fanning is the anti Kylie Jenner. Same age, but definable talent, un-injected body, and she doesn’t process your Visa card for peeks at her underwear. It’s some quirk of quantum physics that both girls can exist in nearly the same space at the same time. I blame Elle’s mom. She forgot that coming of age speech about putting family over self and upselling suitors by convincing them you’ve never had it in the ass before and you’re scared it’s going to hurt. Calvin Klein might cringe every time he sees girls wearing his underpants. I see it as sign of salvation. You don’t have to be a whore to get ahead. Though it remains a huge help.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex October 10, 2014 @ 10:55 AM
Elle Fanning seems kind of young for sex scenes, but when Gwyneth Paltrow’s little brother is directing his own story about the near future when earth has no water left thanks to the Republicans, you get jiggy with it on command. The film is called Young Ones because Child Sex was already taken. It’s right there in the title for the pederasts searching Moviefone by movie title and theater type: sparsely populated. Brooke Shields mom had her taken off her top for French directors even younger than Elle Fanning. Outside of some failed marriages and a short bout with wanting to drive herself and her children into a cement wall, Brooke turned out okay. Overall, the plight of teens sexualized in the media and onscreen is grossly exaggerated. Almost half are living relatively successful sober non-incarcerated lives ten years later. If you’re growing up on a Navajo reservation, you’d take those odds.
Photo Credit: INF,FameFlynet
By Lex June 23, 2014 @ 5:30 PM
I’ll chalk it up to youthful inexperience. But somebody should’ve seen the potential fallout from air dropping a blond teenager dressed in Disney pajamas into the heart of Japan. You could hear the thunk of a lone Pachinko ball as even businessmen dropping ten yen coins into panties dispensing vending machines turned to rush Elle Fanning. Imagine a million Japanese dudes hurtling toward you with their belts in their hands screaming in a foreign language about how naughty you’ve been. Get to the god damned chopper, Elle Fanning. There are no more Fannings after you.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By brendon June 09, 2011 @ 10:46 AM
The highly anticipated ‘Super 8′ had it’s big fancy Hollywood premiere last night, and exciting celebrities like Tom Cruise were there. Here he is with the movies star, 13-year-old girl Elle Fanning (she’s Dakota Fannings daughter. Or sister. I should look that up). And obviously someones been drinking their milk because Tom is almost as big as that young girl now.
“Yeah, but she’s probably wearing heels,” you might be thinking. Oh please. As if Tom wasn’t. Yet they’re essentially the same size, even though “frail” doesn’t even beging to describe her appearance. Between her white blond hair and pale skin and that creepy dress, she looks like a ghost you’d see in a Swedish castle.
Oh, and look, Ryan Lee (imdb) was there too. He’s in this movie, and, SPOILER ALERT, he saves the day when the towns damn bursts. Try and guess how!
(image source = getty and bauer griffin)