Ellen Brings Down the Hammer

By Lex March 25, 2015 @ 8:59 AM


Dolce & Gabbana took another hit from the gay community when Ellen lambasted the unambiguously gay duo for making comments in an Italian magazine about in-vitro fertilization being as awful as pairing beige slacks with a taupe sweater. In a quirk of expectations, the designing ex-couple mentioned that babies should come from men and women fucking. Elton John took round one of the wagging finger of shame last week, followed by Ellen this week. It’s like a one two sucker punch of gay mafia interpretation of the free in free speech meaning you’re free to speak like me.

It’s not even worth commenting on because they’re, you know, ignorant.

Though Ellen did then comment by saying she’d never ever wear their clothes again. She was going to say ‘buy’ when she remembered all her designer clothes come for free. Ellen’s soulmate and surprisingly nimble finger puppet Portia de Rossi took a more reasoned approach to the D&G controversy:

The only thing you can say is that, you know, we’re all entitled to free speech. However, I just don’t understand who they are. I don’t understand why they would want to say that.

Maybe because they were raised in traditional Italian Catholic homes and they believe it? Fuck if I know the moral origin of their theories on ideal reproduction I know you don’t. They’re not campaining to outlaw IVF. They’re just two guys who make dresses and handbags who have an opinion you don’t like. No matter, your bitch going to fuck them up something proper. A little diversity training.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Kelly Brook Needs a Better Show

By Lex March 23, 2015 @ 9:05 AM

Kelly Brook Wears Short Jean Shorts While Shopping For Lingerie In Beverly Hills
Ellen’s produced sitcom about a super hot blond lesbian chick making a baby with her supportive straight guy friend isn’t doing well with critics outside of those in Hollywood who fear for their working lives. You talk shit about Ellen in the Thirty Mile Zone, you might as well take your own life in the tub like the defeated Roman generals. The show will continue on given nobody has the balls to face Ellen across her mighty oak desk and explain that the funnier lesbian jokes are about lesbians and not by lesbians because that’s human nature. Also why Margaret Cho lives in an apartment. America is more than ready for lesbians, just check out pay cable after 10pm. Just not sandals and Subaru jokes. You’ve got Kelly Brook locked up for twelve more episodes. I’m no fancy TV writer, but if she and Elisha Cuthbert start motorboating in the shower, you could pocket another Montecito mansion in tokens. I’m ready to accept my GLAAD Media Award now.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Ellen’s Comedy Gold Fucks with the NYPD (VIDEO)

By Matt December 31, 2014 @ 6:33 AM

Here’s a pop quiz. Is now a good time to be fucking with the the NYPD? Your answer really depends on how much you look forward to peering down on the protest march in your honor from heaven. Alexander Bok is a dude whose shtick is creeping up behind people and dancing then stopping suddenly when they turn around. The routine is in fact so fucking irritating it has become a staple of Ellen Degeneres’ talk show.

Bok pulled the move on some NYPD and they became really instantly pissed off and aggressive. Maybe it’s because a few of them just got shot. Or maybe it’s because he’s a twat who just happened to have a buddy taping the entire thing on camera. Just in case. The cops eventually pushed him away and he fell in the street in the manner of a Bolivian soccer player hustling for a penalty kick. I wouldn’t mind punching him in the face and I’m a pacifist. Fuck it let’s invade Syria. Whatever gets this asshole off the streets.

Portia de Rossi Loves to Skywrite

By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 3:12 PM


Portia de Rossi’s go to gifts for Ellen are either skywriting messages or that special thing she does with her tongue and ring finger that drives her old lady wild. She can do both while pretty deeply intoxicated. Amid rumors of a marriage reminiscent of Ike and Tina Turner without the music, Portia paid a pilot to write the word SIX in the sky above Ellen’s elfin face to celebrate their sixth wedding anniversary. Maybe she was paying by the letter because this seems kind of super simple. Maybe add a heart or a dollar sign or something. Either way, this allowed Ellen to Instragram the romantic gesture so maybe everybody will shut the fuck up about how she likes to treat or not treat her bitch. Not likely. So long as there have been openly gay marriages in Hollywood, a whole ten years or so now, there have been people trying to tear down those marriages. Either because they inherently oppose gay marriage or, like me, they just think Portia de Rossi is too tall, young, and sexually adventurous to be tied down with Ellen’s vagina. In a couple months, when a plane mysteriously skywrites HELP I’M LOCKED IN REHAB WHILE SHE FUCKS AROUND it might be time for the lesbian police to step in.

Portia De Rossi Faded On Ellen Vag

By Lex July 15, 2014 @ 6:12 AM


Ellen’s vagina is the psychoactive toad of lesbian Hollywood. It made Anne Heche crazy, well, more crazy. Portia de Rossi is now experiencing the long term effects of having her face directed between her older wife’s pant-suited thighs and told to help mama relax. Portia has started chugging diet wine coolers and screaming to the unsullied house staff that Ellen is controlling and manipulative. She also was ranting about Ellen being ‘too close’ with Sofia Vergara. Ellen suggested that Portia spend a month in a special rehab run by Franciscan nuns with 3D printed carbon fiber rulers. After being threatened with loss of her shoe allowance, Portia agreed a little rubber room time with chamomile tea breaks would be good for her complexion.

New reports now claim that Portia was secretly filming the fights she had with Ellen to show how abusive the day time talk show host was behind closed doors. Portia threatened to release the tapes to the public who would run, not walk to watch thirty-seven hours of chicks in Tevas being emotionally distant and unsupportive. Ellen’s camp, not the same camp where grade school Ellen talked girls into letting her touch their privates, are insisting that the couple are coming along nicely in trying to repair their damaged relationship. I take that to mean Cobra assembled in the solarium to figure out how to load Portia full of Xanax and drive her off of Mulholland in a staged accident.

Photo credit: Splash News

Mila Kunis Won’t Reveal Anything About The Douchebaby (VIDEO)

By Travis May 09, 2014 @ 1:00 PM

Mila Kunis knows the gender of the baby that she’s currently expecting with Ashton Kutcher, and she also has a name picked out, but she won’t reveal any of those details because it’s none of our business or something. After all, her whole relationship with Ashton had been a secret for so long, even though everyone knew about it, so she’s going to keep everything to herself because she’s so brave, according to the monkeys that smacked their hands together in Ellen DeGeneres’ audience. Among the few things she did reveal was that she’ll be having a natural birth, probably because she wants to experience the most pain possible in squeezing 8 pounds of trucker hat out of her, and Ashton is learning Russian so they can raise a bilingual baby, and he can finally learn all of the terrible shit her father has been saying about him.