Portia de Rossi’s go to gifts for Ellen are either skywriting messages or that special thing she does with her tongue and ring finger that drives her old lady wild. She can do both while pretty deeply intoxicated. Amid rumors of a marriage reminiscent of Ike and Tina Turner without the music, Portia paid a pilot to write the word SIX in the sky above Ellen’s elfin face to celebrate their sixth wedding anniversary. Maybe she was paying by the letter because this seems kind of super simple. Maybe add a heart or a dollar sign or something. Either way, this allowed Ellen to Instragram the romantic gesture so maybe everybody will shut the fuck up about how she likes to treat or not treat her bitch. Not likely. So long as there have been openly gay marriages in Hollywood, a whole ten years or so now, there have been people trying to tear down those marriages. Either because they inherently oppose gay marriage or, like me, they just think Portia de Rossi is too tall, young, and sexually adventurous to be tied down with Ellen’s vagina. In a couple months, when a plane mysteriously skywrites HELP I’M LOCKED IN REHAB WHILE SHE FUCKS AROUND it might be time for the lesbian police to step in.
Ellen’s vagina is the psychoactive toad of lesbian Hollywood. It made Anne Heche crazy, well, more crazy. Portia de Rossi is now experiencing the long term effects of having her face directed between her older wife’s pant-suited thighs and told to help mama relax. Portia has started chugging diet wine coolers and screaming to the unsullied house staff that Ellen is controlling and manipulative. She also was ranting about Ellen being ‘too close’ with Sofia Vergara. Ellen suggested that Portia spend a month in a special rehab run by Franciscan nuns with 3D printed carbon fiber rulers. After being threatened with loss of her shoe allowance, Portia agreed a little rubber room time with chamomile tea breaks would be good for her complexion.
New reports now claim that Portia was secretly filming the fights she had with Ellen to show how abusive the day time talk show host was behind closed doors. Portia threatened to release the tapes to the public who would run, not walk to watch thirty-seven hours of chicks in Tevas being emotionally distant and unsupportive. Ellen’s camp, not the same camp where grade school Ellen talked girls into letting her touch their privates, are insisting that the couple are coming along nicely in trying to repair their damaged relationship. I take that to mean Cobra assembled in the solarium to figure out how to load Portia full of Xanax and drive her off of Mulholland in a staged accident.
Photo credit: Splash News
Mila Kunis knows the gender of the baby that she’s currently expecting with Ashton Kutcher, and she also has a name picked out, but she won’t reveal any of those details because it’s none of our business or something. After all, her whole relationship with Ashton had been a secret for so long, even though everyone knew about it, so she’s going to keep everything to herself because she’s so brave, according to the monkeys that smacked their hands together in Ellen DeGeneres’ audience. Among the few things she did reveal was that she’ll be having a natural birth, probably because she wants to experience the most pain possible in squeezing 8 pounds of trucker hat out of her, and Ashton is learning Russian so they can raise a bilingual baby, and he can finally learn all of the terrible shit her father has been saying about him.
Ellen DeGeneres invited Ellen Page on her show to tell how how brave she was for her coming out publicly as a lesbian to the big annual coming out publicly as a lesbian gathering in Los Angeles earlier this year. Then Ellen Page told Ellen DeGeneres that her coming out a long while ago was so much more brave than her own albeit brave coming out announcement and paved the pathway for tons of lesbians to be lesbians. Then Ellen DeGeneres said no way, you coming out was so much more awesome than mine because yours was also on YouTube. So Ellen Page said quit it, you’re the most bestest lesbian who ever came out ever. Then two laughed about their careers being ruined and exchanged an extended open mouthed kiss as only two women completely freed of their oppressive cultural shackles can. I’m pretty sure that happened. I really had to stop watching.
Oscar host Ellen DeGeneres is catching a shitload of flack from the transgender community for the only funny joke she made all night at The Oscars, pointing out that Liza Minnelli looks like a dude playing Liza Minnelli:
“Hello to the best Liza Minnelli impersonator I’ve ever seen. Good job, sir.”
People who support transgender rights have their various and assorted privates in a bunch about it. Ellen, who is the poster child for boring politically correct society, is now being called transphobic, which based on my single year of Latin tells me that Ellen hates things that change. I suppose in this case that means penis to vagina or vagina to penis. I’ve never been called transphobic before, it’s yet to catch on as a standard charge against people who don’t wholeheartedly support your right to be awesome. But I bet it hurts Ellen who even though she’s kept her lady parts, likes to package herself like John Peterman. I’m sensing a fracture from the T’s in the LGBT alliance. This isn’t exactly the Russians moving into Crimea, but the Bisexuals better look out for the nad-swappers, there’s going to be one glamorous fucking rumble.
The Oscars pick their host these days like my friend Jeff finds women. He gets super loaded and makes a lot of bad decisions. I’m not sure how many beers it takes before you fall in love with Ellen, I think for Portia de Rossi it took about fifty million dollars worth. Fuck it, nobody hates Ellen and she fits the tuxedo. Good choice, Oscars.
Photo Credit: Getty