Heels Are the Tools of French Oppressors

By Lex May 20, 2015 @ 12:11 PM

Emily-Blunt-in-Heels-at-Cannes

Actress Emily Blunt joined a chorus of up to three other people who complained about the Cannes Film Festival insisting that women walking the red carpet wear heels rather than flats. Formal attire has been the rule at this inane film festival since forever. Gowns and heels for women. Men in black tie with all accoutrements also black or white only. Even monochromatic condoms must be deployed in the bathroom glory holes. Barebacking is très gauche and even more offensive than heels. The shoe outrage got wrapped up into the sexism in the movie industry debate when people intentionally tried to confuse the two because they’re boring and predictable.

Finding little traction in their outrage because they’re rich and silly and nobody gives a shit about rich and silly people complaining about their ten thousand dollar shoes, the heel protestors started suggesting that the elderly and disabled were also being turned away from the Palais when arriving in flats. Damn you, Frenchies. It’s one thing to codify your blanket hatred of women, another when you start spitting on the handicapped. Double amputee? I care not. Put on those stilettos or turn the fuck around.  A very shitty European movie is about to begin. This is an outrage. I think. Meh, just go with it and Tweet something with lots of exclamation points. Better safe than sorry.

Photo credit: GettyImages

Emily Blunt Took Tom Cruise To A Sex Club (VIDEO)

By Travis May 16, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Emily Blunt was a guest on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night to promote her new film Edge of Tomorrow, which stars Tom Cruise, and she told a story about how Tom was so eager to be a part of the gang that he asked to join Emily and her husband John Krasinski in whatever they were doing for Matt Damon’s birthday one night. John thought it would be a great idea to go to a London sex club, so they did and Tom happily went along with them. That’s where the story suddenly stops, though, which means that Tom probably asked them to join the church of Scientology, offered John a large sum of money to let him marry Emily instead, cried and stomped his feet like a tiny adult when they said no, and then threatened to lock them both up in the Scientology sea dungeon if they told anyone else about what happened that night. I’m not saying that actually happened, but I’m spitballing and it sounds pretty realistic.