Emma Watson and Facebook Plain Speaking About Women

By Lex March 09, 2015 @ 12:00 PM


If you’re like me, you celebrated International Women’s Day by having no clue it was International Women’s Day. I feel like I just put my books away from Black History Month. Special days come up on you fast. U.N. Global Ambassador for Vagina Matters, Emma Watson, took calls at Facebook HQ on gender inequality. They were going to take Facebook messages but nobody could figure out how that worked.

Hermione went to Hogwarts and lezzed out for a couple semesters of Art History at Brown. She knows women. Facebook surreptitiously collects billions of pieces of data on over 300 million active female Facebook members daily. They may fear women’s bodies but they know what the ladies are thinking before they think it themselves. What women want even more than workplace equality and unfettered access to birth control is more socially network simulated farming games with in-game purchases. Also, not to face the terror of hacked naked selfies:

After I gave my speech [at the UN] there was a website threatening to release naked pictures of me. I knew it was a hoax, I knew the pictures didn’t exist, but I think a lot of people that were close to me knew gender equality was an issue but didn’t think it was that urgent, that it was a thing of the past. -- Ambassador Watson

That does sound desperate. Having naked cellphone pictures published to 4Chan is an issue pertinent to the majority of the female world. Except in the Sudan where the woman just want a spoonful of couscous and their children back. Outliers.

Photo credit: Splash News 

Celebrities Give the United Nations Much Needed Credbility

By Lex September 23, 2014 @ 12:18 PM


Apparently, Emma Watson is our new Goodwill Ambassador for United Nations Women. I hope that’s not like Macy’s Women where they sell all the fat clothes. Watson serves the interests of the women of this planet and should we ever get involved in interplanetary gender matters, she would be repping Starfleet as well.

Emma Watson gave a speech to the U.N. General Assembly about women’s rights that was vague and innocuous and convoluted making it just about the best U.N. speech ever given. It’s part of the United Nations’ HeForShe campaign that teaches men that not only do you have to stop oppressing women, you have to make other men stop oppressing as well. I could see giving up my own oppression, but do I really want to be that guy who hands my buddy a beer and segues into ‘Hey, let’s talk out our feelings on beating and enslaving our bitches.’. Maybe at halftime or something over dip.

“She’s been using her magic wand in her movie. I hope she will use her magic wand to stop violence against women,” — the U.N. Secretary General on Emma Watson

Good one, Ban Ki-moon! Any American taxpayer bitching about paying dues to the United Nations ought to consider the value of awesome Harry Potter metaphors.

While he was at it, Ki-moon also knighted Leonard DiCaprio as U.N. Messenger of Peace, which I’m pretty sure is what they used to call Saigon hookers during the Vietnam War. DiCaprio addressed world leaders at the U.N. Climate Summit and warned them about the earth turning into a toxic ball of flaming ice by this time next Thursday. Then DiCaprio took a selfie with the U.N. General Secretary and banged two hot Pashto translators in the 29th floor cafeteria. While the world sleeps peacefully, the United Nations watches over us, and quietly masturbates.


Photo credit: Splash News / Twitter

Someone Stole $1 Million In Jewels At Cannes

By Travis May 17, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Sofia Coppola’s The Bling Ring is the true story of a group of regular nobodies who wanted to be famous so much that they stalked young celebrities via the internet to find out when they wouldn’t be home and then broke in and stole a bunch of shit from them. Some of the stars were big names like Orlando Bloom, Megan Fox and Rachel Bilson, while other stars like Paris Hilton and Audrina Partridge weren’t ever stars at all.

The film, starring Emma Watson and Claire Julien, debuted at Cannes yesterday, ironically while someone stole $1 million worth of jewels from the hotel room of an employee of Swiss jewelers Chopard, which supplies expensive accessories to many of the event’s stars. Amazingly, Lindsay Lohan has an alibi.

In the meantime, maybe the French detectives can figure out why Emma looks really hot at some events and awkward and geeky at others. She’s like a Seinfeld rerun come to life.

(Photo Credits: Getty)

Emma Watson Steals Shit

By Lex April 05, 2013 @ 9:37 AM

Emma Watson May GQ
You can’t be a pedo bear favorite Hermione Granger forever I suppose. Emma Watson is past her child actress phase, past her stop calling me beautiful I’ll pretend to be an angry teen dyke phase, and is all grown up playing one of the chicks from the Bling Ring. That being both the group of dropout suburban L.A. youth who terrorized the underwear and jewelry drawers of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and other celebrities who probably had it coming, and the new film by Sofia Coppola, who makes films that are painful to watch but are beloved by the foreign press. The foreign press have notoriously bad taste in the arts, but you wouldn’t know that from the way they lecture their BDSM prostitutes in N.Y. and L.A. hotel rooms most evenings.

Here’s Emma Watson in GQ Britain, portraying Alexis, the real life OxyContin smoking alternative high school chick in The Bling Ring.

Photo Credit: GQ Magazine

Emma Watson Covered Topless in the Natural Beauty Exhibition

By Bill March 20, 2013 @ 3:42 PM

Emma Watson went through that period of girl time when she wanted to pretend she wasn’t a hot chick from the Harry Potter movies but a serious gender-neutral artist. So she enrolled at lesbian Brown University and chopped off all of her hair. Why women feel the need to be seen as something other than incredibly hot, highly paid performers is beyond the male understanding. I mean, Jordan did decide to quit basketball for a couple years in his prime, but that was to pursue baseball, not to do obscure Slovakian arthouse films. Emma Watson does seem to be settling back into accepting the fact that she’s hot and rich and famous and that’s okay. So she’s featured in this new Natural Beauty exhibition which is photographs of mostly hot women meant to send a message about saving the planet from environmental destruction. I think we’re all supposed to try and expel less carbon dioxide when we tug one out to these photos. Everybody has to do their part. Watch The Lorax. You’ll get it.

‘Noah’ is delayed because of flooding

By brendon October 31, 2012 @ 1:24 PM


As reported here first, Hurricane Sandy has all but shutdown the northeast since ravaging New York and New Jersey, including the filming of Darren Aronofskys ‘Noah’, starring Russell Crowe and Emma Watson, which is filming in Oyster Bay, New York. IMDB says…

To make it as realistic as possible, the director built a massive ark, which measures 450 feet long, 75 feet tall and 45 feet wide. Unfortunately, it was never meant to be sailed.
With production wrapping up within the next few weeks, the ark was forced to deal with flooding as Hurricane Sandy passed through.

Uhh, you’re supposed to say “spoiler alert”, God. Thank’s a lot dick, way to ruin the ending for people who didn’t read the book.

(image source = splash)