Hermione Forgot Her Bra And Shit Around The Web

By Jack November 04, 2015 @ 12:00 PM


I’m a big fan of Emma Watson. Not so much her acting but I’d like to accio her boobage into my mouth. That’s a dorky ass Harry Potter joke.

Check her out without a bra. (Drunken Stepfather)

Nicole Trunfio has massivve cleavage in leather. (Last Men On Earth)

Lucy Collett Is topless in her panties. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Hot girls showing you their POV. (The Chive)

Kat Graham shows off her booty and sideboobs. (Hollywood Tuna)

Gigi Hadid is super leggy. (Popoholic)

Rachel Dolezal admits she’s actually, wait for it, White. (TMZ)

Rich Actresses Backing Jennifer Lawrence

By Lex October 15, 2015 @ 11:38 AM


Several months ago a bunch of bloggers without facts of intuition started bemoaning how Matt Damon was being paid three suitcases full of cash more than Jessica Chastain for The Martian coming out in October. Now the movie is out and it’s clearly a Matt Damon movie starring Matt Damon being Matt Damon with an audience driving its currently $250 million worldwide box office because of Matt Damon. Jessica Chastain plays a pretty astronaut with perfect lipstick and a nice tight space suit that comes and goes in the film. Outside of the Chastain family, nobody is going to see this movie because of Jessica Chastain. She still got ten million or so, so woe fucking her tragic gender wage gap.

Emma Watson and Elizabeth Banks and a bunch of other actresses came out to ‘you go, girlfriend’ the Jennifer Lawrence lamentable tale of gender wage gap for rich actresses in Hollywood. Emma Watson cleared 15 mill on each of her final Harry Potter films, about $50 million for the movie series run. Her only movie series, from which she got cast as a twelve year old from among a bunch of other tween actresses to play the role that would run seven more films racking up big dollars. You could call it skill and ambition and talent. Or luck and fortune. Or I guess just sexism and victimization.

An E! reporter of dubious reporting skills asked Bradley Cooper what he thought about Lawrence’s complaints about pay on American Hustle and he responded that he hadn’t read the article. Which he hadn’t, because who wants to read one of your co-workers bitching about how you get paid more than they do. He realized he had to say something politically correct about the pay difference so he muttered something about there being a problem needing to be addressed while he imagined the house he bought with his higher pay and how many young models he fucked in the backyard pool.

Once impassioned celebrity essayists realize that men and women being different is by itself not the basis for lifelong hardship status, Lena Dunham will dematerialize and this planet will be 220 lbs. lighter and much much happier.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Emma Watson and Facebook Plain Speaking About Women

By Lex March 09, 2015 @ 12:00 PM


If you’re like me, you celebrated International Women’s Day by having no clue it was International Women’s Day. I feel like I just put my books away from Black History Month. Special days come up on you fast. U.N. Global Ambassador for Vagina Matters, Emma Watson, took calls at Facebook HQ on gender inequality. They were going to take Facebook messages but nobody could figure out how that worked.

Hermione went to Hogwarts and lezzed out for a couple semesters of Art History at Brown. She knows women. Facebook surreptitiously collects billions of pieces of data on over 300 million active female Facebook members daily. They may fear women’s bodies but they know what the ladies are thinking before they think it themselves. What women want even more than workplace equality and unfettered access to birth control is more socially network simulated farming games with in-game purchases. Also, not to face the terror of hacked naked selfies:

After I gave my speech [at the UN] there was a website threatening to release naked pictures of me. I knew it was a hoax, I knew the pictures didn’t exist, but I think a lot of people that were close to me knew gender equality was an issue but didn’t think it was that urgent, that it was a thing of the past. -- Ambassador Watson

That does sound desperate. Having naked cellphone pictures published to 4Chan is an issue pertinent to the majority of the female world. Except in the Sudan where the woman just want a spoonful of couscous and their children back. Outliers.

Photo credit: Splash News 

Celebrities Give the United Nations Much Needed Credbility

By Lex September 23, 2014 @ 12:18 PM


Apparently, Emma Watson is our new Goodwill Ambassador for United Nations Women. I hope that’s not like Macy’s Women where they sell all the fat clothes. Watson serves the interests of the women of this planet and should we ever get involved in interplanetary gender matters, she would be repping Starfleet as well.

Emma Watson gave a speech to the U.N. General Assembly about women’s rights that was vague and innocuous and convoluted making it just about the best U.N. speech ever given. It’s part of the United Nations’ HeForShe campaign that teaches men that not only do you have to stop oppressing women, you have to make other men stop oppressing as well. I could see giving up my own oppression, but do I really want to be that guy who hands my buddy a beer and segues into ‘Hey, let’s talk out our feelings on beating and enslaving our bitches.’. Maybe at halftime or something over dip.

“She’s been using her magic wand in her movie. I hope she will use her magic wand to stop violence against women,” — the U.N. Secretary General on Emma Watson

Good one, Ban Ki-moon! Any American taxpayer bitching about paying dues to the United Nations ought to consider the value of awesome Harry Potter metaphors.

While he was at it, Ki-moon also knighted Leonard DiCaprio as U.N. Messenger of Peace, which I’m pretty sure is what they used to call Saigon hookers during the Vietnam War. DiCaprio addressed world leaders at the U.N. Climate Summit and warned them about the earth turning into a toxic ball of flaming ice by this time next Thursday. Then DiCaprio took a selfie with the U.N. General Secretary and banged two hot Pashto translators in the 29th floor cafeteria. While the world sleeps peacefully, the United Nations watches over us, and quietly masturbates.


Photo credit: Splash News / Twitter

Someone Stole $1 Million In Jewels At Cannes

By Travis May 17, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Sofia Coppola’s The Bling Ring is the true story of a group of regular nobodies who wanted to be famous so much that they stalked young celebrities via the internet to find out when they wouldn’t be home and then broke in and stole a bunch of shit from them. Some of the stars were big names like Orlando Bloom, Megan Fox and Rachel Bilson, while other stars like Paris Hilton and Audrina Partridge weren’t ever stars at all.

The film, starring Emma Watson and Claire Julien, debuted at Cannes yesterday, ironically while someone stole $1 million worth of jewels from the hotel room of an employee of Swiss jewelers Chopard, which supplies expensive accessories to many of the event’s stars. Amazingly, Lindsay Lohan has an alibi.

In the meantime, maybe the French detectives can figure out why Emma looks really hot at some events and awkward and geeky at others. She’s like a Seinfeld rerun come to life.

(Photo Credits: Getty)

Emma Watson Steals Shit

By Lex April 05, 2013 @ 9:37 AM

Emma Watson May GQ
You can’t be a pedo bear favorite Hermione Granger forever I suppose. Emma Watson is past her child actress phase, past her stop calling me beautiful I’ll pretend to be an angry teen dyke phase, and is all grown up playing one of the chicks from the Bling Ring. That being both the group of dropout suburban L.A. youth who terrorized the underwear and jewelry drawers of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and other celebrities who probably had it coming, and the new film by Sofia Coppola, who makes films that are painful to watch but are beloved by the foreign press. The foreign press have notoriously bad taste in the arts, but you wouldn’t know that from the way they lecture their BDSM prostitutes in N.Y. and L.A. hotel rooms most evenings.

Here’s Emma Watson in GQ Britain, portraying Alexis, the real life OxyContin smoking alternative high school chick in The Bling Ring.

Photo Credit: GQ Magazine