Tonight’s the night we make history, Caitlyn. After strong-arming ABC and ESPN, and them rolling over in a puddle of their own ratings juices, this is the moment when Abby Wambach hands you the mantle of greatness. She cries, you cry, your family showing off their no less fake than your own tits cry, everybody in the audience cries if they ever want to work again, and we seal the fate of corporate media as a bunch of whoring, cynical, politically correct ninnies. I don’t want to get all Sinead O’Connor hyperbolized damning. But stack this moment up in the evidence for the prosecution. The only thing Arthur Ashe and Caitlin Jenner have in common is eventually the reaping of The AIDS. Only the good die young. The rest are looking fabulous and pretending their children are happy. Your man is still showing, Bruce.
Everybody with an IQ above Kardashian understands why ESPN picked Caitlin Jenner to receive the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the ESPY’s. It’s the same reason you told that girl in high school with the big tits how smart and funny she was. Why dance around the base human desire for sex and money? It’s normal. Apologize like you mean it, take your ratings boost, and move on. Back in June at the announcement, ESPN issued a statement that ‘the decisions speaks for itself’. Yes, it did. We get it.
With the ESPY’s coming around this week, ESPN rolled out Maura Mandt, the only chick they could find who works in ESPN executive ranks, surrounded by a team of public relations consultants, to double down on their cheating husband level excuses:
I think Caitlyn’s decision to publicly come out as a transgender woman and live as Caitlyn Jenner displayed enormous courage and self-acceptance. Bruce Jenner could have easily gone off into the sunset as this American hero and never have dealt with this publicly. Doing so took enormous courage. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time. That is what the Arthur Ashe Courage Award is about, somebody from the athletic community who has done something that transcends sport. One of the biggest platforms the Arthur Ashe Foundation has is educational, and I think in this choice we have the opportunity to educate people about this issue and hopefully change and possibly save some lives. I think that is why it was the right choice.
Was a clairvoyant not available to confirm that Arthur Ashe approved of this nomination from beyond the grave? I could have written that pat response in two minutes, and even dropped in how Bruce Jenner bravely called 911 after he killed that old lady on PCH. Would Caitlin Jenner have done that? I don’t know. I know Caitlin Jenner never won the decathlon and her contributions to saving lives have been limited primarily to going to swank parties on terraces where everybody pretends not to notice her man hands. Every little bit helps. Excuse me, miss, your cock is showing. Yes, that does qualify you for the Pat Tillman Award.
Photo credit: Getty Images
Polish tennis star Agnieska Radwanska was until recently a spokesperson for the ‘Youth Crusade’ a Catholic church group trying to promote the slogan ‘I’m not ashamed of Jesus’. Agnieska showed she was not ashamed of Jesus by spelling his name in tennis balls in commercials for the group. However, turns out Jesus is a little less flexible. When Agnieska appeared almost showing off her titties in ESPN’s Body Issue, where athletes go to almost show off their titties, Youth Crusade kicked her off the Jesus train. It’s probably hard enough being Polish and hot. All the attention you get as you walk the streets of Krakow and men beg to gaze upon your face so they can imagine you as they’re trying to finish off in their hard looking Polish ladies. Now you’ve got the Catholic church up your ass because I guess God hates the female body. Or maybe he hates ESPN. That’s possible. Everybody hates ESPN these days.
Photo credit: ESPN Body Issue
ESPN is digging hard to extend their brand. They tried video games and movies. Didn’t work so much. So they started copying SI a few years ago by putting out an issue dedicated to hot bodies. Only, they kind of fucked that up too by making half the issue about naked male athletes. Do I want to see Colin Kaepernick without his clothes on? I can’t possibly be a big enough Niners fan to want to see that. Still, they are trying. And they’ve got a bunch of female athletes I’ve mostly never heard of, except for Kerri Walsh, the tall blonde beach volleyball goddess, sort of without their clothes on. So, there’s that. Also, there’s SportsCenter.
Photo Credit: ESPN Body Issue