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Lake Bell Strips In Esquire

I can't abide people who use old memes and then feel obliged to explain them as if they'd just invented fire. I remember drunk discussing Lake Bell with an old roommate who told me she was the ultimate Hollywood butterface, then felt compelled to explain the meaning of the pun. I found myself becoming filled with a shapeless rage. It's not the sexism that bothers me, it's the lack of grounding. Unless you're Leonardo...read more

Scarlett Johansson Named Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive

Maxim so lowered the bar with their Miley Cyrus Is the Most Attractive Creature Walking This Planet back alley abortion that I can't bring myself to ridicule Esquire for their Scarlett Johansson nod. This superlatives whacking contest is just a time honored tradition for selling magazines in the old world economy of print journalism. Call me old fashioned but I go by the old standard of 'Would you throw this woman out...read more

Natalie Dormer In Esquire

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Russell Brand Is Still Talking About Katy Perry

Katy Perry and Russell Brand knew each other for a little more than a year before they got married in 2010, and they'd been married a little more than one year before they filed for divorce in 2011. So it's safe to say that neither of them is in much of a position to offer anyone marriage advice, unless that advice is: "Look at everything we did and do the complete opposite." Esquire magazine recently interviewed...read more

Leonardo DiCaprio Told Esquire Why He Has So Much Sex

When Leonardo DiCaprio was snubbed for an Academy Award nomination for his very deserving performance in Django Unchained, he didn't sulk or complain like some whiny bitch. Or maybe he did, I don't really know, because I was too busy being jealous of him for spending an entire month on his yacht with a dozen or so topless models. But in his interview for the May issue of Esquire, Leo wants us to believe that the...read more

Allison Brie Sneaks Up on You

It is an undebatable fact that Allison Brie is incredibly gorgeous. She also knows there is absolutely nothing more attractive to a man than still photos in a magazine. So she was nice enough to take some and threw out some tips on how to possibly seduce her in the May issue of Esquire. "If you're a guy, you should get girls flowers all the time," Miss Brie explained. "They never get old and you can never get them...read more

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Adriana Lima Is Very Good Looking

It seems like only two days ago I made some stupid stink about the overrated mix of girls and food. Now there's Adriana Lima half naked with Lucky Charms and I know I need to clarify my earlier statement. I don't like the mix of okay looking stocky girls from Beaumont in bikini tops and batter fried frozen chicken sections. I do like Adriana Lima showing off her boobs and eating sugary breakfast stoner treats. Or,...read more

Mila Kunis is Esquire magazines Sexiest Woman Alive

It's that - time - of year - again, when the persnickety queers at Esquire go on Google Trends to find a popular actress and pretend as if they like girls for more than shoe shopping and gossip. It's the 2012 Sexiest Woman Alive, the winner is Mila Kunis, and as always, the article is as creepy as a priest gently brushing your face with the back of his hand. "A brief encounter with the most beautiful, opinionated,...read more

Kim Kardashian is in Esquire

Kim Kardashian is in the Mexican edition of Esquire this month, and even though I don't speak Spanish it was full of surprising revelations. Specifically that she can lie back in water. Her ass is so big I assumed the buoyancy would keep her completely upright, bobbing up and down like a buoy in the ocean. This might be some kind of special effect they're using.read more