By Lex April 16, 2014 @ 1:21 PM
I can’t abide people who use old memes and then feel obliged to explain them as if they’d just invented fire. I remember drunk discussing Lake Bell with an old roommate who told me she was the ultimate Hollywood butterface, then felt compelled to explain the meaning of the pun. I found myself becoming filled with a shapeless rage. It’s not the sexism that bothers me, it’s the lack of grounding. Unless you’re Leonardo Dicaprio and you’re pulling a different world class lingerie model for every time somebody made a gay joke about you in middle school, you’re pushing that same set of Sisyphean balls up the lady hill we all are. You’d run over your tightest bro’s before ho’s buddy for the chance to lay biblically upon Lake Bell. That’s the power of truth that surged down my arm and into my fist as I punched him square in his man titties, Fucking Craigslist.
Photo Credit: Esquire
By Lex October 07, 2013 @ 12:46 PM
Maxim so lowered the bar with their Miley Cyrus Is the Most Attractive Creature Walking This Planet back alley abortion that I can’t bring myself to ridicule Esquire for their Scarlett Johansson nod. This superlatives whacking contest is just a time honored tradition for selling magazines in the old world economy of print journalism. Call me old fashioned but I go by the old standard of ‘Would you throw this woman out of bed?’. Personally, I’ve got the entire adult female world minus Lena Dunham and the chick who Charlize Theron portrayed in Monster on my list.
Photo Credit: Esquire
By Travis June 06, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
Katy Perry and Russell Brand knew each other for a little more than a year before they got married in 2010, and they’d been married a little more than one year before they filed for divorce in 2011. So it’s safe to say that neither of them is in much of a position to offer anyone marriage advice, unless that advice is: “Look at everything we did and do the complete opposite.”
Esquire magazine recently interviewed Russell and, of course, the topic of his marriage to Katy (seen above wearing a dress that she should never wear again) came up and he explained why it failed.
‘But it’s going to be hard if I go into a monogamous relationship. I live a life where I have a lot of freedom, so if I meet someone and I go, “Right let’s be monogamous,” that’s a f**king change.’
‘But I tried it and I loved it. I really think she’s a lovely beautiful person [Katy Perry]. It’s just hard isn’t it? She’s got a lot of options, I’ve got a lot of options, so you’ve got to really, really want it.’ (Daily Mail)
Translated: I realized that there are millions of women out there who will fuck any man who is remotely famous. Can’t blame a guy for that.
(Photo Credit: Cousart-Rayne/JFXimages/WENN.com)
By Travis April 18, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
When Leonardo DiCaprio was snubbed for an Academy Award nomination for his very deserving performance in Django Unchained, he didn’t sulk or complain like some whiny bitch. Or maybe he did, I don’t really know, because I was too busy being jealous of him for spending an entire month on his yacht with a dozen or so topless models.
But in his interview for the May issue of Esquire, Leo wants us to believe that the grueling schedule of making movies is the reason why his relationships don’t last, and not because women get older and he can literally have sex with any woman of his choice.
“Six months of being on location or being off in Morocco or someplace like that is not the best thing for a relationship,” the former Growing Pains star told Esquire. But seeing as he’s dated Gisele Bündchen, Bar Refaeli, Blake Lively and Erin Heatherton (above), among many, many others, there’s a pretty good chance that he offered that quote from inside an 18-year old model’s vagina.
It is an undebatable fact that Allison Brie is incredibly gorgeous. She also knows there is absolutely nothing more attractive to a man than still photos in a magazine. So she was nice enough to take some and threw out some tips on how to possibly seduce her in the May issue of Esquire.
“If you’re a guy, you should get girls flowers all the time,” Miss Brie explained. “They never get old and you can never get them enough. I’m never disappointed when I get flowers. I always thought guys who buy women flowers are such fools. All it takes is one. A little goes a long way with flowers.”
Done, they are on the way. However, sometimes I’ll throw in an ironic twist and not buy you any flowers at all, just to keep you on your toes. But if that bold move backfires, I’ll go with the crying and begging until she has sex with me just to make me shut up. I learned that trick from my dog who always gets the biscuit.
Photo Credit: Esquire