By Travis April 18, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
When Leonardo DiCaprio was snubbed for an Academy Award nomination for his very deserving performance in Django Unchained, he didn’t sulk or complain like some whiny bitch. Or maybe he did, I don’t really know, because I was too busy being jealous of him for spending an entire month on his yacht with a dozen or so topless models.
But in his interview for the May issue of Esquire, Leo wants us to believe that the grueling schedule of making movies is the reason why his relationships don’t last, and not because women get older and he can literally have sex with any woman of his choice.
“Six months of being on location or being off in Morocco or someplace like that is not the best thing for a relationship,” the former Growing Pains star told Esquire. But seeing as he’s dated Gisele Bündchen, Bar Refaeli, Blake Lively and Erin Heatherton (above), among many, many others, there’s a pretty good chance that he offered that quote from inside an 18-year old model’s vagina.
It is an undebatable fact that Allison Brie is incredibly gorgeous. She also knows there is absolutely nothing more attractive to a man than still photos in a magazine. So she was nice enough to take some and threw out some tips on how to possibly seduce her in the May issue of Esquire.
“If you’re a guy, you should get girls flowers all the time,” Miss Brie explained. “They never get old and you can never get them enough. I’m never disappointed when I get flowers. I always thought guys who buy women flowers are such fools. All it takes is one. A little goes a long way with flowers.”
Done, they are on the way. However, sometimes I’ll throw in an ironic twist and not buy you any flowers at all, just to keep you on your toes. But if that bold move backfires, I’ll go with the crying and begging until she has sex with me just to make me shut up. I learned that trick from my dog who always gets the biscuit.
Photo Credit: Esquire
By Lex April 11, 2013 @ 11:54 AM
It seems like only two days ago I made some stupid stink about the overrated mix of girls and food. Now there’s Adriana Lima half naked with Lucky Charms and I know I need to clarify my earlier statement. I don’t like the mix of okay looking stocky girls from Beaumont in bikini tops and batter fried frozen chicken sections. I do like Adriana Lima showing off her boobs and eating sugary breakfast stoner treats. Or, just Adriana and anything. The only rule for hot women is that they can do whatever the fuck they want.
Photo Credit: Esquire UK
By brendon October 08, 2012 @ 9:04 AM
It’s that – time – of year – again, when the persnickety queers at Esquire go on Google Trends to find a popular actress and pretend as if they like girls for more than shoe shopping and gossip. It’s the 2012 Sexiest Woman Alive, the winner is Mila Kunis, and as always, the article is as creepy as a priest gently brushing your face with the back of his hand.
“A brief encounter with the most beautiful, opinionated, talkative, and funny movie star that we’ve all known since she was nine.”
I FUCKING HAVE NOT! And I looked it up, I doubt anyone else has either, so there’s no reason on earth this “sexy” article should be talking about a 9 year old. God it’s like getting a valentine from Jerry Sandusky. And that’s how it starts. Here’s how it ends:
“It’s 10:30 now and she wants to take a walk. She’s a little hungry, and it’s a beautiful night, and no one even knows she’s here.”
Oh Jesus Christ. Please tell me someone has seen Mila Kunis in the past few days. This sounds less like an interview and more like a real-time confession.
Kim Kardashian is in the Mexican edition of Esquire this month, and even though I don’t speak Spanish it was full of surprising revelations. Specifically that she can lie back in water. Her ass is so big I assumed the buoyancy would keep her completely upright, bobbing up and down like a buoy in the ocean. This might be some kind of special effect they’re using.