Jessica Alba has been telling everybody who will listen and owns a ladies magazine that she’s finally become confident with her own sexuality. I too am finally confident with her sexuality. I bet the journey was more rigorous for her. In honor of our mutual desire to touch her repeatedly in her privates, I’m inviting a half-dozen Northeastern liberal arts college girls to watch the women in Sin City 2 portray empowered devious strippers who get beaten and screwed and maybe find strong men to stick up for them. We’ll all have a good laugh after the film as feminists draw me into the alley way for an emasculating assault.
A couple weeks ago the MPAA declared the Sin City: A Dame to Kill one sheet featuring Eva Green’s almost right tit was too offensive for the Narnia like imaginary snow globe world they call home. The MPAA issued a fatwah and ordered the artwork confiscated, burned, and then the ashes reconfiscated just so the guy who runs the MPAA’s nephew who has an ash reconfiscation business could get a little work. On top of Harvey Weinstein learning that after seventeen years of vigorous dieting, he has actually put on eleven pounds, it was a bad week for the Weinstein Company. Eva Green herself ranted a bit in Vanity Fair about how Americans can’t stand a little tit but condone violence. Which is true, but as an American I’m obliged to say, shut the fuck up, Eva Green. We don’t need you French taunting us for being the world’s prudes. We still make more babies and have a very respectable 20% rate of herpes infection among our adult population. We’re doing something here in addition to the mindless violence.
The Weinstein Company had some college kid Photoshop out evidence of Eva’s right tit-under-robe from the poster and it was re-submitted to the MPAA in their Hollywood Kremlin towers and approved. Which just goes to show you, big evil bullies with heinous double standards usually win. That’d be both the MPAA and the Weinsteins. Today, the tits lost. Pour some saline out for your homies.
The MPAA ensured that our nation’s children will never be exposed to the horror of the female anatomy by banning the Sin City 2 posters featuring Eva Green in a thin robe that exhibited “curve of under breast and dark nipple/areola circle visible through sheer gown.” What the fuck, Sin City? Stick to your glorified cartoon images of senseless blood letting and maiming. Stop trying to turn our nation’s young boys into deranged tit lovers like the Greatest Generation or 9/11 firefighters or the last forty-three Presidents. The last thing we want is young men passing around photos of areola at school when they should be focused on their manifestos and murder-suicide days of retribution. Bless you, MPAA. You’re the guardians at the gate.
They say you can tell a lot about a movie based on the type of people who show up to the premiere, and if that is indeed the case, then 300: Rise of an Empire is the Celebrity Rehab of movies in 2014. Among the many other people that you’ve probably never heard of, Tito Ortiz and his wife Kristin graced the red carpet, as did Gene Simmons and his son Nick. If only someone there had possessed the vision to tell Tito that Nick and Gene grabbed his wife’s ass, we could have actually received a little entertainment from this movie that was basically only made so a million former frat boys could bust out their Halloween costumes from 2006 one more time. Fortunately, Lena Headey and Eva Green were also there, so it wasn’t a complete dumpster fire.
It’s no secret that Tim Burton no longer directs a film without casting his wife, Johnny Depp Helena Bonham Carter. There are a few other things that you can almost always count on from Tim, all of which appear in the new trailer for ‘Dark Shadows.’
- Recycled dark set pieces from ‘Edward Scissorhands,’ ‘Beetlejuice,’ ‘Batman,’ ‘Sleepy Hollow,’ ‘Sweeney Todd…’
- An awful, dry joke with a reaction shot of Johnny raising an eyebrow. (What a card!)
- 70′s funk and rock. Ok, admittedly this is not a consistent element of Burton’s films but warrants mention in this case because, seriously Barry fucking White?! At this point Depp should just be mugging directly to the camera with a line like “If they think Nixon is bad, wait’ll they get a loada me.”
Oh look, Eva Green is in this movie and has fantastic breasts, so at least there’s that.