Facebook Teleportation Is the Future

By Lex March 25, 2015 @ 11:40 AM

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It’s inevitable that Facebook will take over the world. I don’t mind so much. There will be no nipples and you’ll have photos of what everybody is eating for lunch, but finally we’ll have a world where narcissists and lonely people are making all the rules.  Facebook leaked out a number of their new big announcements for their annual Big Fucking Facebook Wow Now conference including something called Teleportation Station. Nobody knows what it is, which is making everybody either nervous or hard depending on where your blood flows when you hear about Facebook platform upgrades. If you’re a boyish Asian girl you can probably anticipate Mark Zuckerberg reconstituting in flesh form in your bedroom late at night and touching you through your flannel pajamas. Don’t scream. It will only bring The Helpers who will steal your calculus textbooks. Just write a complaint in your status update about the latest Facebook upgrades like everybody else and be thankful he finishes in his pants.

Emma Watson and Facebook Plain Speaking About Women

By Lex March 09, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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If you’re like me, you celebrated International Women’s Day by having no clue it was International Women’s Day. I feel like I just put my books away from Black History Month. Special days come up on you fast. U.N. Global Ambassador for Vagina Matters, Emma Watson, took calls at Facebook HQ on gender inequality. They were going to take Facebook messages but nobody could figure out how that worked.

Hermione went to Hogwarts and lezzed out for a couple semesters of Art History at Brown. She knows women. Facebook surreptitiously collects billions of pieces of data on over 300 million active female Facebook members daily. They may fear women’s bodies but they know what the ladies are thinking before they think it themselves. What women want even more than workplace equality and unfettered access to birth control is more socially network simulated farming games with in-game purchases. Also, not to face the terror of hacked naked selfies:

After I gave my speech [at the UN] there was a website threatening to release naked pictures of me. I knew it was a hoax, I knew the pictures didn’t exist, but I think a lot of people that were close to me knew gender equality was an issue but didn’t think it was that urgent, that it was a thing of the past. -- Ambassador Watson

That does sound desperate. Having naked cellphone pictures published to 4Chan is an issue pertinent to the majority of the female world. Except in the Sudan where the woman just want a spoonful of couscous and their children back. Outliers.

Photo credit: Splash News 

Which Gender Do You Want to Be on Facebook?

By Lex February 14, 2014 @ 5:09 PM

Apparently, Facebook was forty-eight gender options short for new account creators who for the history of Facebook have been subjugated, nay, tormented, into choosing merely between male and female. Now, you can go with transgender woman, pre-op male, intersex, ambiguous sex, my parents put me in dresses but I like sports, minotaur furry, and any other number of anatomical self-identifications. Of course, Facebook never needed to know if you were a man or a woman in the first place. It’s a site to send pictures of your lunch salad to your friends and look up your old high school girlfriends to see if they got fat(ter). Your friends probably already know if you’re a dude or a girl. Facebook just uses the gender choice to collect more marketing data and sell you shit. Now, even their marketing algorithms are bowing to the pressures of the dick-vagina-confused lobby and letting account holders tell the entire Facebook world what kind of underpants feel most comfortable on a humid day. Also, you will now be allowed to post photos of women’s nipples on the site, provided they once belonged to a man.

Bono is not the worlds richest musician, will not make $1.5 billion today

By brendon May 18, 2012 @ 11:05 AM

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In 2009, a private equity firm co-founded by Bono paid $90 million to buy 2.3 percent of Facebook, which has been valued at over $100 billion for their IPO today.

And according to TMZ and Page Six, that means Bono will become the worlds richest musician by 4pm!

…the shares are now valued at $1.5 billion.
Meanwhile, the former holder of the title of world’s richest musician — former Beatle Paul McCartney — is worth just over $1 billion.

The only problem is none of that is true. As the Telegraph points out, there are 9 other managing directors of Bono’s equity firm, plus countless investors. Bono didn’t buy 2.3 percent of Facebook, the equity firm did.

Given that he has previously had a 10 per cent stake in other (firm) investments, Bono has probably made around $150 million today, and at least doubled his wealth. Prior to this, as one fifth of U2 (profits are split between the band and manager Paul McGuinness) Bono’s estimated wealth was in the region of $158 million.

Well fuck. This is some information I’d really like to have known before I went to all the trouble of kidnapping his wife. Now everything just feels awkward.