By Lex July 01, 2015 @ 9:36 AM
According to the Daily Mail, a clickbait headline company with random words beneath, the Facebook rainbow flag option for profile pictures this past week may have been a cynical psychological test to support Mark Zuckerberg’s plan to take over the world and eliminate tits forever. Following the SCOTUS affirmation of same sex marriages, twenty-five millions people with the bandwagon instincts of a Lakers fan utilized the Facebook promoted app to doctor up their profile pictures in colors of the Gay Pride flag. It is possible Facebook was collecting information on who was accessing the app, how quickly, their click patterns and history, and a bunch of other shit that translates roughly into how to sell these same people dish soap and tampons.
Facebook itself has copped to running similar type human experiments in the past, though they always claim the data is aggregated and never isolated down to Angie Jennings at 147 Sequoia Lane, Elko, Nevada 89801, currently planting tomatoes in her backyard with her two children, the one who is doing well in school and nine-year old Aimee who will top out at ‘some college’ and marry young. The most important thing is you showed your friends with your four exclamation points and eleven seconds of commitment that you walk with the righteous. Rock on, Rosa Parks, 2015 edition.
By Lex March 25, 2015 @ 11:40 AM
It’s inevitable that Facebook will take over the world. I don’t mind so much. There will be no nipples and you’ll have photos of what everybody is eating for lunch, but finally we’ll have a world where narcissists and lonely people are making all the rules. Facebook leaked out a number of their new big announcements for their annual Big Fucking Facebook Wow Now conference including something called Teleportation Station. Nobody knows what it is, which is making everybody either nervous or hard depending on where your blood flows when you hear about Facebook platform upgrades. If you’re a boyish Asian girl you can probably anticipate Mark Zuckerberg reconstituting in flesh form in your bedroom late at night and touching you through your flannel pajamas. Don’t scream. It will only bring The Helpers who will steal your calculus textbooks. Just write a complaint in your status update about the latest Facebook upgrades like everybody else and be thankful he finishes in his pants.
By Lex March 09, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
If you’re like me, you celebrated International Women’s Day by having no clue it was International Women’s Day. I feel like I just put my books away from Black History Month. Special days come up on you fast. U.N. Global Ambassador for Vagina Matters, Emma Watson, took calls at Facebook HQ on gender inequality. They were going to take Facebook messages but nobody could figure out how that worked.
Hermione went to Hogwarts and lezzed out for a couple semesters of Art History at Brown. She knows women. Facebook surreptitiously collects billions of pieces of data on over 300 million active female Facebook members daily. They may fear women’s bodies but they know what the ladies are thinking before they think it themselves. What women want even more than workplace equality and unfettered access to birth control is more socially network simulated farming games with in-game purchases. Also, not to face the terror of hacked naked selfies:
After I gave my speech [at the UN] there was a website threatening to release naked pictures of me. I knew it was a hoax, I knew the pictures didn’t exist, but I think a lot of people that were close to me knew gender equality was an issue but didn’t think it was that urgent, that it was a thing of the past. -- Ambassador Watson
That does sound desperate. Having naked cellphone pictures published to 4Chan is an issue pertinent to the majority of the female world. Except in the Sudan where the woman just want a spoonful of couscous and their children back. Outliers.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex February 14, 2014 @ 5:09 PM
Apparently, Facebook was forty-eight gender options short for new account creators who for the history of Facebook have been subjugated, nay, tormented, into choosing merely between male and female. Now, you can go with transgender woman, pre-op male, intersex, ambiguous sex, my parents put me in dresses but I like sports, minotaur furry, and any other number of anatomical self-identifications. Of course, Facebook never needed to know if you were a man or a woman in the first place. It’s a site to send pictures of your lunch salad to your friends and look up your old high school girlfriends to see if they got fat(ter). Your friends probably already know if you’re a dude or a girl. Facebook just uses the gender choice to collect more marketing data and sell you shit. Now, even their marketing algorithms are bowing to the pressures of the dick-vagina-confused lobby and letting account holders tell the entire Facebook world what kind of underpants feel most comfortable on a humid day. Also, you will now be allowed to post photos of women’s nipples on the site, provided they once belonged to a man.
In 2009, a private equity firm co-founded by Bono paid $90 million to buy 2.3 percent of Facebook, which has been valued at over $100 billion for their IPO today.
And according to TMZ and Page Six, that means Bono will become the worlds richest musician by 4pm!
…the shares are now valued at $1.5 billion.
Meanwhile, the former holder of the title of world’s richest musician — former Beatle Paul McCartney — is worth just over $1 billion.
The only problem is none of that is true. As the Telegraph points out, there are 9 other managing directors of Bono’s equity firm, plus countless investors. Bono didn’t buy 2.3 percent of Facebook, the equity firm did.
Given that he has previously had a 10 per cent stake in other (firm) investments, Bono has probably made around $150 million today, and at least doubled his wealth. Prior to this, as one fifth of U2 (profits are split between the band and manager Paul McGuinness) Bono’s estimated wealth was in the region of $158 million.
Well fuck. This is some information I’d really like to have known before I went to all the trouble of kidnapping his wife. Now everything just feels awkward.