Farrah Abraham Strikes Back And Shit Around The Web

By Jack November 05, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

455303576

Farrah Abraham is making a sequel to Backdoor Teen Mom. But I thought she doesn’t do porn and that the first movie was a sex tape? Could it be that she’s full of shit? Only more backdoor will tell.

Read all about the Abraham jizz for cash scenario. (TMZ)

Kim Kardashian looks like a fucking alien with bleached eyebrows. (Huffington Post)

Candice Swanepoel and her tits went to a Victoria’s Secret event. (Drunken Stepfather)

Pania Rose sure knows how to fill out a bra. (Popoholic)

Benedict Cumberbatch gets engaged and fat nerdy girls everywhere cry. (The Superficial)

Clay Aiken loses an election because he’s fucking Clay Aiken. (Dlisted)

An Eva Green calendar is a wank a day. (COED)

Farrah Abraham Mint in Box Vagina

By Lex October 27, 2014 @ 9:23 AM

Farrah Abraham Promotes Her New Line Of Adult Toys At Hustler In LA
Farrah Abraham continues to keep her promise to never do porn again. She’s employed stripping, lap dancing and hawking latex replicas of her pussy and ass as a nicotine patch to wean her off the need for adult cinema. It’s all about being a woman that your daughter can respect. Like Jessica Alba with her Honest company, though instead of selling trendy diapers to white vaccine deniers, Farrah is promoting her bottomless gunt for awkward men to pound between writing letters to their prison wives or proposing bills in Congress. You have to drop many rungs down the ladder of mating success to pay for fake vaginas when you can pay for real vaginas. It might be slightly safe, but Vietnamese girls in denim minis won’t subject you to a built-in voice box urging you to purchase MTV Teen Mom boxed DVD sets. Though that whore technology is only months away.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

It Pays To Be A Whore And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 20, 2014 @ 12:02 PM

452054480

Do you know how much Farrah Abraham earned doing her strip club topless research? 500k! Let that sink in. This busted lazy-eyed whore made enough to buy a house by flashing her fake tits in Austin. I saw them on the Internet for free. I win.

Read all about how far being a whore can get you. (Huffington Post)

Jessica Simpson wants silicone ass implants so she can look like Kim Kardashian. (Dlisted)

The day I stop caring about Selena Gomez in hot pants is the day I’m dead. (Popoholic)

Check out the TCU cheerleaders calendar and pretend to care about TCU football. (COED)

There’s no football now but Lindsey Duke’s boobs are always in season. (Busted Coverage)

It’s for things like Adrienne Curry in a bikini that I get up in the morning. (The Superficial)

This picture of Helen Hunt getting wet will make your wiener sad. (Hollywood Tuna)

Farrah Abraham Stripper Mother Researcher

By Lex August 13, 2014 @ 1:21 PM

Farrah-Abraham-Hanging-Out-With-Strippers-And-Gives-A-Lap-Dance-At-The-Opening-Of-A-Vivid-Strip-Club-In-North-Carolina-lb

Farrah Abraham refuses to admit she’s a porn star. A clear distinction from every other woman in America banging some fat dude on web cam and declaring herself an adult star. The industry tends to encourage showboating and resume fluffing. Farrah has been stripping at an Austin, Texas gentleman’s club but she claims the work is purely for research for her erotic novels she doesn’t write and for the movies from the novels nobody is actually producing. Like most good researchers, Farrah is also keeping the five-spots men are cramming into her apple box because the more authentic she can live the experience, the more realism she can encourage the ghost writers to put into her books.

“In the same way Jennifer Aniston researched her role as a stripper, that’s what I’m doing. It’s how I get the information to write my books and do my movies. Unfortunately, I’m not free to talk about what those future projects may be. But I’m interested in hearing all the women’s stories. And while I’m doing it, I’m getting paid. I’m getting paid to play a role and get informed.”

It really is just like getting paid to go to college. Except you’re actually more likely to be sexually assaulted in college than you are working a strip club. When Farrah says she’s not free to talk about her future projects, she means you have to pay the guy in the cowboy hat just like all the other customers.

Farrah Abraham Wants Jessica Alba to Play Her in the Movies

By Lex July 18, 2014 @ 11:42 AM

Farrah-Abraham-Hanging-Out-With-Strippers-And-Gives-A-Lap-Dance-At-The-Opening-Of-A-Vivid-Strip-Club-In-North-Carolina-lb

When US Weekly gets an exclusive with Backdoor Teen Mom, you know it’s going to be fucking riveting journalism. Farrah Abraham agreed to do a no-holds-barred interview with US in exchange for US pretending that people are actually buying her creepy erotic novels and that there is interest from Hollywood in turning them into a movie series. Like the Hunger Games, except where Katniss gets scourged in the ass by President Snow for the first 45-minutes.

Farrah claims that she’s constantly being hounded by the throngs of fans in her mind asking her to play Fallon Opal, the sex tape ingenue and central character to her ghost written masturbatory fiction.

“I’m not going to do a movie with this, so many people are obsessed with that idea, I think I’ve done, myself, enough TV, and me, obviously I would never be in a video or a movie of my book because that would be crazy I mean, I guess I could—didn’t the Wolf On Wall Street guy kind of do it? Even though, it was such a different story and it was kind of absurd when like the plane goes down in the ocean, and I was like what?”

Farrah’s reps really need to request no verbatim quotes next time she goes on the record. Yes, Farrah, you’re very much like the Wolf of Wall Street. If by Wall Street you mean your rectum and by Wolf you mean James Deen’s cock. That all seems implied. Since Farrah’s erotic novels will inevitably go to the big screen, she would like to recommend Jessica Alba or Sandra Bullock play the role of Fallon. I was going to more realistically suggest Storky, the chick in the back brace who gyrates uncomfortably at my local gentleman’s club, but Jessica Alba seems like a strong possibility as well.

“I will be acting in two movies [of my own], and I’m kind of staying closer to roles that are Christian-based”

Well, there goes anal. That could hurt gross sales. Although Kirk Cameron really nailed a similar transition.

Farrah Abraham’s Hawks Her Pink and Her Stink

By Lex July 14, 2014 @ 10:17 AM

Farrah Abraham Arrives At The Party For The Release Of Her Sex Toy In Los Angeles
I’m thankful to have lived until science could produce a latex replica of Farrah Abraham’s splayed pelvis. Sex toy makers molded Farrahs vagina in a mix of vulcanized rubber and expired bonito flakes to give it the touch, feel, and aroma of Teen Mom cooch. But the product is labeled and promoted as Backdoor for a reason. There’s that rubber pucker hole that allows you to feel just like porn star James Deen making a romantic ass to mouth graphic video that gets leaked to the media against your wishes. Men don’t normally brag to one another about their masturbation habits, but that all changed the moment Farrah Abraham stepped onto the shoddy red carpet laid out for her at a Pomona restaurant hoisting what looked like the world’s most inappropriate child booster seat. If you’re not high-fiving your office co-workers because you went men’s central jail on her imitation ass the night before, you might as well return your passkey to the winner circle. You’re not getting that promotion. God damn we live in wonderful times.

Farrah-Abraham-CyberSkin

Photo Credit: Splash