Vivid Is Scared Of Farrah Abraham’s New Book

By Travis April 09, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

The next step in Mother of the Year candidate Farrah Abraham’s bid to remain relevant is her “fictional” erotica book trilogy, Celebrity Sex Tape, which tells the story of a reality star named Fallon Opal dealing with sex tape rumors. It’s basically the story of Farrah’s turn from shitty MTV reality show person to a full-blown porn star, except the character in the book actually made a sex tape. Farrah, on the other hand, just let James Deen fuck her on camera, and Vivid marketed it as a celebrity sex tape. That’s why, according to TMZ, Vivid’s Steve Hirsch sent Farrah a letter demanding that she not reveal his so-called secrets of recruiting celebrities to “leak” their sex tapes. Obviously, it’s something like, “Hey, do you need money? Make a sex tape.” But Steve doesn’t want any really stupid people to know that, too.

Farrah also told Radar that she wrote the first book, In the Making, herself and didn’t need ghost writers, claiming, “The story and words all came from my imagination.” What a coincidence, that’s the same place that she keeps the idea that she’s a celebrity.

Photo Credit: Getty

Behold The Cover Of Farrah Abraham’s Spank Book

By Jack April 02, 2014 @ 1:19 PM

The Farrah Abraham new sex book trilogy Celebrity Sex Tape finally gets its cover. The trio of novels will tell the tale of Fallon Opal, a reality TV star that gets lost in the seamy underworld of porn. Think of Fifty Shades of Grey but without the classiness or deep literary merit. The cover of the first book, In the Making, shows Farrah lying in bed with a bag of douche post-boning taking a selfie. Though I reject this endeavor in its entirety as a man rejects women’s basketball, the cover is extremely appropriate. Since it tells the tale of a vapid self obsessed gunt that sells her body for fame and fortune, what could be more fitting than a scheming whore taking a selfie in her filthy cum soaked bed? Kudos to whatever porn photographer took this picture for their artistic vision. I’m too spent to figure out how Farrah owns the title of New York Times Bestelling Author, but I assume it’s in the ass-to-mouth-to-pen sub category.

Farrah Abraham Is Fallon Opal, Woman of Lust

By Jack April 01, 2014 @ 1:06 PM

Mom-first Farrah Abraham is set to release a trio of erotic novels. The reality star turned porn star is going to “write” the books based loosely on her life. They will tell the tale of a girl named Fallon Opal that rockets to G-list celebrity through a reality show and then causes a lot of controversy by acting like a total fucking whore. The publishers, the vaginally named Ellora’s Cave publishing,  are hoping to cash in on the phenomenal success of Fifty Shades of Grey and give bored housewives something new to flick their bean to. Farrah describes the project as,

“In The Making reveals the truth about ‘being in the limelight’ as a young celebrity. Writing this series was like therapy for me. Fallon’s story follows what I’ve gone through recently, much of it witnessed and misunderstood by the public. Book One is an entertaining and sexually charged novel, but it’s also an inside look at the underside of being a reality TV star that everyone else can relate to.”

Naturally, we call all relate to the seedy parts of reality TV star life. I know when I had my high school bastard baby and talked about it on MTV for cash, my life was never the same. I can’t wait to learn how badly Farrah has been misunderstood as interpreted by her cock gobbling character Fallon Opal. Maybe Fallon can explain how a private sex tape with James Deen paid for by Vivid suddenly became public. If you’re not weeping by Book Three when Fallon sells her little girl into white slavery to pay for her AIDS medications, you don’t have a heart.

Farrah Abraham Is Blowin’ (VIDEO)

By Jack March 18, 2014 @ 2:16 PM

Farrah Abraham has just released an autotuned monstrosity called Blowin. Yes, it’s really called Blowin but she means “Blowin all the bullies away” and not in a “I’m blowin’ James Deen until I can no longer taste my own ass” kind of way. The song has her screeching about getting hated on by everyone and how grateful she is for all her fans. She hangs out with friends at a club, takes stupid duck lipped selfies, and “sings” from inside her Twitter icon. The song is heavily autotuned and yet her voice is still gratingly horrible. It’s what I call the Kesha effect where no amount of post-production can fix a voice forged in Satan’s intonations. The video looks like it was shot on a cellphone and was edited using iMovie 2006. It doesn’t have the production value of her other filmwork, such as Backdoor Teen Mom, and, yeah, that’s the full list. But the kids these days do love the homemade looking productions these days. Maybe she’ll catch fire. I mean, literally. I’d watch that.

Vivid Says Farrah Abraham Is a Lying Liar With a Dick in Her Butt

By Jack February 21, 2014 @ 1:41 PM

Vivid pornmeister president, Steve Hirsch, is calling out Farrah Abraham on her shit, (and not the residue kind on James Deen’s pecker). Farrah has been alleging lately that while she was shilling her pornographic opus Back Door Teen Mom, she was repeatedly drugged and raped. She’s been saying that to anyone who will listen along with claiming that porn ruined her life. This right before she released the sequel to her original butt lovin’ epic. Hirsch says that it’s all lies and that he’ll pay her a million dollars is she takes a polygraph and any of her allegations turn out to be true.

“This is exactly what I expected from Farrah. She’s a fraud. We know she loves money, but once she gets called out she’s afraid to respond. First you can’t stop the lies and then you can’t find her. She’s incapable of telling the truth.”

I’m certain that the upstanding folks that make porn would never drug and rape Farrah. Why would you have to go to the trouble when twenty bucks and some McNuggets for her kid who’s been locked in the car will suffice. I don’t blame her for buyer’s remorse. I guess that would be backdoor on camera remorse. Hey, the paycheck part seemed nice. But you can’t go around besmirching porn to help you cope. Porn is sacred. You might as well attack moms and apple pie. Or, moms shoving apple pies in their twats on PornTube. It’s all wholesome and American.

Farrah Abraham Wants To Stay A Virgin Forever…

By Jack February 13, 2014 @ 1:28 PM

Farrah Abraham says that she doesn’t like the way people use sex for money and power and wants to remain a virgin forever. That seems like a rather lofty goal considering she’s been on camera having the ever living virginity banged out of her by a porn star. I’m so confused. Farrah told Life and Style magazine that she’s swearing off sex:

“People use sex for power and manipulation when sex is supposed to be enjoyable and great. I don’t feel that. I want to be a virgin forever — or a nun.”

All Farrah needs to make this happen is set up a few ground rules. Like, sex for money doesn’t count. Nor does blowing the casting director for a VH-1 reality TV show. Any sex that results in making a bastard baby also stays off the books. If the dude is black, it doesn’t count. If he brings a white friend, it might count, but only if the white dude goes first. Separate rules apply for larger multi-ethnic groups.