It Pays To Be A Whore And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 20, 2014 @ 12:02 PM

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Do you know how much Farrah Abraham earned doing her strip club topless research? 500k! Let that sink in. This busted lazy-eyed whore made enough to buy a house by flashing her fake tits in Austin. I saw them on the Internet for free. I win.

Read all about how far being a whore can get you. (Huffington Post)

Jessica Simpson wants silicone ass implants so she can look like Kim Kardashian. (Dlisted)

The day I stop caring about Selena Gomez in hot pants is the day I’m dead. (Popoholic)

Check out the TCU cheerleaders calendar and pretend to care about TCU football. (COED)

There’s no football now but Lindsey Duke’s boobs are always in season. (Busted Coverage)

It’s for things like Adrienne Curry in a bikini that I get up in the morning. (The Superficial)

This picture of Helen Hunt getting wet will make your wiener sad. (Hollywood Tuna)

Farrah Abraham Stripper Mother Researcher

By Lex August 13, 2014 @ 1:21 PM

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Farrah Abraham refuses to admit she’s a porn star. A clear distinction from every other woman in America banging some fat dude on web cam and declaring herself an adult star. The industry tends to encourage showboating and resume fluffing. Farrah has been stripping at an Austin, Texas gentleman’s club but she claims the work is purely for research for her erotic novels she doesn’t write and for the movies from the novels nobody is actually producing. Like most good researchers, Farrah is also keeping the five-spots men are cramming into her apple box because the more authentic she can live the experience, the more realism she can encourage the ghost writers to put into her books.

“In the same way Jennifer Aniston researched her role as a stripper, that’s what I’m doing. It’s how I get the information to write my books and do my movies. Unfortunately, I’m not free to talk about what those future projects may be. But I’m interested in hearing all the women’s stories. And while I’m doing it, I’m getting paid. I’m getting paid to play a role and get informed.”

It really is just like getting paid to go to college. Except you’re actually more likely to be sexually assaulted in college than you are working a strip club. When Farrah says she’s not free to talk about her future projects, she means you have to pay the guy in the cowboy hat just like all the other customers.

Farrah Abraham Wants Jessica Alba to Play Her in the Movies

By Lex July 18, 2014 @ 11:42 AM

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When US Weekly gets an exclusive with Backdoor Teen Mom, you know it’s going to be fucking riveting journalism. Farrah Abraham agreed to do a no-holds-barred interview with US in exchange for US pretending that people are actually buying her creepy erotic novels and that there is interest from Hollywood in turning them into a movie series. Like the Hunger Games, except where Katniss gets scourged in the ass by President Snow for the first 45-minutes.

Farrah claims that she’s constantly being hounded by the throngs of fans in her mind asking her to play Fallon Opal, the sex tape ingenue and central character to her ghost written masturbatory fiction.

“I’m not going to do a movie with this, so many people are obsessed with that idea, I think I’ve done, myself, enough TV, and me, obviously I would never be in a video or a movie of my book because that would be crazy I mean, I guess I could—didn’t the Wolf On Wall Street guy kind of do it? Even though, it was such a different story and it was kind of absurd when like the plane goes down in the ocean, and I was like what?”

Farrah’s reps really need to request no verbatim quotes next time she goes on the record. Yes, Farrah, you’re very much like the Wolf of Wall Street. If by Wall Street you mean your rectum and by Wolf you mean James Deen’s cock. That all seems implied. Since Farrah’s erotic novels will inevitably go to the big screen, she would like to recommend Jessica Alba or Sandra Bullock play the role of Fallon. I was going to more realistically suggest Storky, the chick in the back brace who gyrates uncomfortably at my local gentleman’s club, but Jessica Alba seems like a strong possibility as well.

“I will be acting in two movies [of my own], and I’m kind of staying closer to roles that are Christian-based”

Well, there goes anal. That could hurt gross sales. Although Kirk Cameron really nailed a similar transition.

Farrah Abraham’s Hawks Her Pink and Her Stink

By Lex July 14, 2014 @ 10:17 AM

Farrah Abraham Arrives At The Party For The Release Of Her Sex Toy In Los Angeles
I’m thankful to have lived until science could produce a latex replica of Farrah Abraham’s splayed pelvis. Sex toy makers molded Farrahs vagina in a mix of vulcanized rubber and expired bonito flakes to give it the touch, feel, and aroma of Teen Mom cooch. But the product is labeled and promoted as Backdoor for a reason. There’s that rubber pucker hole that allows you to feel just like porn star James Deen making a romantic ass to mouth graphic video that gets leaked to the media against your wishes. Men don’t normally brag to one another about their masturbation habits, but that all changed the moment Farrah Abraham stepped onto the shoddy red carpet laid out for her at a Pomona restaurant hoisting what looked like the world’s most inappropriate child booster seat. If you’re not high-fiving your office co-workers because you went men’s central jail on her imitation ass the night before, you might as well return your passkey to the winner circle. You’re not getting that promotion. God damn we live in wonderful times.

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Photo Credit: Splash

What The Fuck Happened to Books?

By Lex June 02, 2014 @ 8:34 AM

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It’s no wonder the kids aren’t reading books anymore. It seems like only last year the New York BookExpo hosted masters of the ink and paper like Gwyneth Paltrow with her perfect recipes for guilt-free paella and a happy marriage. This year we got Farrah Abraham, Nicky Hilton, and Lena Dunham, the Hemingways of the Millennials. Of the three of them, Lena is the only one capable of fashioning the written word. If you’re up for a couple hundred pages into the self-absorbed hijinks of an entitled chubby girl with a loyal user card at Planned Parenthood, this is your summer read.

Farrah Abraham’s saucy novel follows the erotic tales of the completely fictional character Fallon Opal. Fallon rises to fame on a reality show, has an ass-to-mouth sex tape released she pretends is against her wishes, and finds a swarthy man named Dimitri to love her for who she really is, which I guess is Farrah Abraham. It’s hard to believe people would read books about the making of porn rather than just, I don’t know, watch porn, but dumb people need dumb books too.

Nicky Hilton is the world’s most boring person. Like her sister she’s not endowed with the ability to count high enough to certify a full deck of playing cards. Unlike her sister she lacks the joie de vivre and Neurosyphilis Dementia to be interesting. But, she’s got a book. If you ever wanted  to know how to dress like a trainable heiress who still cowers in fear when it rains, Style 360 is a must read. Get it now before her publicity teams buys up all the first-runs so they can pretend real people bought it.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Farrah Abraham Leaves An Office Building In New York

By Lex May 30, 2014 @ 10:15 AM

Farrah Abraham Leaves An Office Building In New York

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News