I don’t know exactly what a sexpo is, but should you find yourself at one, consider sexercide. You’ve hit bottom. Farrah Abraham is now a thing in England because she was on their edition of Celebrity Big Brother and because British people are much kinder to women with homely faces. What Farrah Abraham knows about sex includes the upsides of unprotected intercourse in high school and how to relax your sphincter under the stress of camera lights. If this doesn’t apply to you, ask her for her birthdate and the most ounces of cum she’s ever swallowed on a dare for your lucky Lotto numbers. You’re at a sexpo, this could be the time God starts feeling sorry for you.
Farrah Abraham announced she’s going under the knife for the third time to fulfill her dream of turning her tits into the largest cruller shaped attached structure west of the Mississippi. The first tit job got her into porn. The second tit job got her back on MTV. The third tit job will repair the damage left to her tits from sleeping many evenings too close to the rail yard. There really is no fourth tit job. At that point you’re better off lopping them off and starting with a clean slate. Tits are an additive art. Ask Caitlyn.
According to Celebrity Gene, makers of fine liquid human DNA filled necklaces since whenever, the Farrah Abraham model wasn’t exactly moving. After four months on the market, not a single one had sold. Buying a pendant filled with a stranger’s genetic material seems like an odd purchase. Maybe Charles Manson freaks or Taylor Swift’s easily manipulated teens would find it provides some kind of comfort when totally alone in the universe, but porn star DNA is inherently icky. It’s like framing your bukkake.
Celebrity Gene claims that Farrah Abraham barely marketed the genetic necklace. In contrast, she spent tons of time pushing her adult sexy toys which just made people even more inclined not to buy her spooge jewelry. Abraham is crass and a liar, but she’s not stupid. She makes a healthy percentage off her molded assholes and vaginas. The creepy necklace proceeds go to charity. Celebrity Gene fired Abraham. Though legally they have the right to clone a dozen of her, have their way with them, then push them off a cliff. Best Christmas office party ever.
Representing America. Farrah Abraham would not sit still when the script on the Celebrity Big Brother side show On the Side demanded she insult her British counterparts with big tits from the show. If you’ve ever seen these after-show or wrap-up and review panels on Bravo after the Housewives shows, you know they are basically tortured WWE Divas routines played out in low cut gowns. At some point Farrah Abraham called some blond British scrub a ‘hag’ so she apparently tossed her champagne glass at Farrah who caught it perfectly with her exposed gunny sack rectum. Abraham then tossed back a glass and nearly hit Janice Dickinson who was lost in though re-imagining her Cosby rape, but this time with the two falling in love and making beautiful mulatto children in their Connecticut fixer-upper.
Somebody else threw some other shit and Abraham finally clanged the older actress chick with a glass to the head which that chick claims gave her a concussion and whiplash and she’s pressing assault charges. Abraham and Jenna Jameson teamed up to form a U.S. ass to mouth power alliance, blockading the Brits, and making their escape. Abraham promptly feigned some injures and hopped into a wheelchair in front of the cameras to make it all seems so real.
How a roundtable of mediocre looking women with enormous fake tits turned into a women’s penitentiary riot is anybody’s guess, but if you’re guessing it was fashioned by show producers, you’re probably in the running for a prize. The broadcaster itself cut away from the melee because a network TV interruption notice is far more convincing than watching drunk women who can’t act try to do their own stunts. If you’re watching porn stars do anything but fucking on camera, you only have yourself to blame. Send in Seal Team Six to rescue our women.
The selling point of the Big Brother TV show continues to elude me. You gather up disturbed sex workers you’d never want as roommates, pack them all into a fake house, and spy on them except when they’re changing because that might be viscerally compelling. In England they do a celebrity version of the show, if by celebrity you mean Backyard Teen Mom and twelve stone Jenna Jameson who is now left with only fond memories of taking splooge in the face when she was called queen. Of course nobody wants these salty twats in their house. I’d call the cops. Or the CDC. I’m pretty sure there’s some kind of restraining order that prevents former porn stars from gathering within three hundred feet of each other. STD superstorms. Condemn the house. NIMBY.
Backdoor Teen Mom Farrah Abraham took off her clothes to show off the new Luis Vuitton purse she either bought or stole at the mall. Theft would explain why she was naked. Think harder. Since appearing on camera with James Deen’s dick in her ass, Abraham has been working hard to restore her reputation, mostly by stripping at clubs and appearing as a shrill monster on fake reality shows. She could use some counsel. Maybe a gig in the handbag counter at Macy’s. I can’t rub this clutch on my tits until you pay for it. Ding ding. I’m winning that trip to Reno.