Farrah Abraham has partnered with a company called Celebrity Gene which extracts DNA from hair and puts it in a vial to be worn as a necklace so you can get punched in the face if you tell someone you bought it. It’s unclear if Abraham’s DNA was irradiated or if there were any complications due to her being part equine. Celebrities with necklaces on the site include Elvis, Michael Jackson, Princess Diana, and several D-List former reality show contestants who were thrown a bone in exchange for free grave digging labor. Those shoes were a real score. The necklaces sell for $99 and half the proceeds go to charities dedicated to helping Abraham stop spreading feline AIDS in Chatsworth. If that vial breaks open call your local poison control center and take refuge in a non-exposed basement or cellar. You brought this on yourself. Why are my eyes burning? I told you to practice your aim.
I know Vegas understands how to lure people into their casinos. I’m not sure they’ve yet figured out how to market a swimming pool. The advances in chlorine technology are not such that you want your eyeballs immersed in James Deen free floating creampie. Every time you think you’ve seen the last of Teen Mom, she’s back and collecting a paycheck. Sometimes you just have to live with that smudge on the carpet. You could move. Good luck finding a place where low end porn isn’t exalted. Try Northern Syria. All the same, don’t swim in the pools.
Farrah Abraham is many things. She’s not stupid. She’s casting herself as the villain in every possible nook and cranny of her latest crappy staged MTV reality show. She was clearly paying attention to pro wrestling and comic book movies coming up. Not everybody is cut from the hero cloth. If you’re not sure if you are, just take a quick look behind you and see if some guy has his cock in your ass and another guy is filming you with a thumbs up sign. Not a hero. But heroes need villains and that’s where you get the long lasting dollars. Boo, I fucking hate you, hockey goon. Here’s my money, take it to the bank.
On Teen Mom OG, Abraham incessantly delivers staged nasty comments about all the other teen moms being white trash whores. Which they are. But she delivers the lines without irony. Who are people going to remember from this particularly piece of crap? They’re going to remember the horrible bitch with the big fake tits. And she’s going to get paid again. It’s not always about rising up, sometimes it’s just owning the alley. It’s all for the children.
Sparked by silent outrage over how horribly staged Teen Mom was, MTV is banking on the fact that you’ll miss how horribly staged their ‘open book’ Teen Mom OG sequel series is. For the sake of their twin masters of Satan and the almighty dollar, MTV reassembled the original gang of chromosomally challenged teen moms to stage them in a series of fake fights, altercations, and some real arrests off camera for substance abuse. If MTV is lucky, they’ll get a suicide. Ratings bump pound explodes. The premise here is that cameras are filming the cameramen so nothing can be faked. If that makes any sense to you, you probably didn’t really earn that high school diploma.
In the teaser trailer, MTV is pushing the conceit that none of the young meth moms are aware that the contemptible Farrah Abraham is returning for the sequel series. Why would you bring back the one cast member with any commercial recognition. Girls who’ve had babies, been imprisoned, buried dead boyfriends, filmed porn, and slung drugs all before nineteen often produce looks of extreme shock at unexpected production notes. The day China produces Teen Mom, Drown Girl Baby, you’ll know maybe we have a chance to ever catch them again.
MTV quite brazenly turns a buck on the backs of fucked up kids. That seems particularly crass considering we live in a time when neighbors shame march around homes where parents have the gall discipline their kids with spankings. In their latest quest to milk ad dollars from the distressed and the distasteful, MTV is bringing back Anal Teen Mom and her little kindergarten aged girl to watch mom swear and get wasted and confront her pornographic career choices. They’re also going to focus on some other Teen Mom show alums who aren’t yet imprisoned or successful in their suicide attempts.
As part of the hook, MTV is going to show the hard work the production crew undertakes to create bogus reality programming. The behind the scenes stuff is also faked, so it’s a multi-layered forgery that ultimately spirals into a feces shaped Scandinavian ring cake. I want to punch everybody involved. Maybe beat them with pillow cases filled with rolled up socks so they bleed internally while I watch naked girls on HBO Latino. I don’t know why that channel comes in on my set, but I’m certain the scruffy muffin tops are adults and making their own poor decisions. If they were five, I’d turn it off.
Farrah Abraham snagged the hallowed cover of Northern New Jersey’s Metropolis Nights magazine. It’s like covering Vogue, only you don’t have to put one in the stink of Anna Wintour, lick it, and tell her she’s a good witch. Abraham was voted the honor in the magazines poll, Whose Tits Would You Rather See, Teen Mom or Governor Christie? Farrah won by three votes in a unanimous decision. When you think about the discrimination faced by a young woman who gets knocked up in high school then turns to Jesus and anal porn with equal fervor, she’s come a long way. If you don’t consider those things, she’s barely moved.