Floyd Mayweather Gay for Luggage

By Matt February 24, 2015 @ 6:07 AM

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Contrary to popular belief not all dudes express themselves through uncontrollable consumerism are gay. Some are just real dumb and want to prove to the companies selling them overpriced garbage that they have enough money to afford it. You can be well dressed and straight. Baggage is where you draw the line. No matter how a man might dig designer shoes, a straight guy doesn’t buy luggage. Or big ass purses or whatever the fuck these are.

Gay dudes literally stuff new luggage into their luggage when they visit Milan. It’s how you tell a retarded narcissist from a guy who likes cock. Straight guys will live in a cat shit ridden apartment but spend all their money on Louis Vuitton so they can go to clubs and look like rapists. Gay guys dress smart but also care about the centerpiece on the dining room table and coordinate their keychains with their sunglasses. If you buy man purses don’t pose proudly with them on Instagram. Instead hide them in the closet with your repressed sexuality. They’re all just pretending to like you.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

We Can Stop Talking About This Now

By Matt February 02, 2015 @ 7:32 AM

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Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather have finally agreed to a super boring fight that Mayweather will win in a controversial decision they both end up laughing about in the money counting room. Guys don’t die in the ring anymore and rarely break a sweat. Float like a butterfly. Then sting the guy once he nears forty. Pay the fucking judges too idiot. Then have your cut guy push some needles into his effigy while you’re at it. If you think Voodoo isn’t totally legit say Candyman into the mirror five times and get outlined in chalk. The amount of press coverage this fight will generate should outweigh the four exciting seconds of it by a standing eight count. The only thing that would make this event worth your sixty bucks would be Mayweather fighting his ex fiancees in a Royal Rumble for the undercard. Sure it’s unethical but so is paying a felon millions to tap people with his little fist and count the tallies. With any luck blood clots will form spontaneously and both men will fade out, pulling the plug on the once illustrious sport of boxing.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Floyd Mayweather Has Things

By Matt January 06, 2015 @ 6:31 AM

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Floyd Mayweather posted a photo of himself, his private jet, and eight of his cars which total over $7 million in value. Mayweather has grossed over $400 million in his career yet he’s unaware shit like this is reserved for those comfortably entrenched in the billionaire category. This is 50 million bucks worth of shit. That’s not insignificant.

Most boxers retire at Mayweather’s current age and splurge on hospice care. This is no more irresponsible than your idiot buddy buying that five thousand dollar mountain bike. But your buddy is also an idiot. Plus he’s not going to hang up the Home Depot uniform in his mid forties. I can’t wait to see the photos of this shit being repossessed and Mayweather crying on 60 Minutes and explaining how he never learned to read or add. You’re not wealthy Floyd, you’re rich. For now.

Floyd Mayweather Victimized But Not in Any Fun Way

By Matt December 19, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

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Floyd Mayweather was in Saks acting like an asshole and some lady called the police on him for pissing in a bathroom that was supposedly blocked off for a private event. The cops didn’t care because the malls are a shit show this time of year. Show up for every out of bounds urination incident and next thing you know you’re expected to rush over for an armed robbery in progress. I’m thinking maybe this chick doesn’t like the black people so much. Or maybe just Floyd Mayweather. I’m racist against Mayweather. Maybe racist is the wrong term, I just hate illiterate guys known for beating up women and men the size of porn stars. On the off chance he has some Irish or German in him I hate them too. When you gotta go you gotta go. Especially when you’re a filthy drunken Irishman named Floyd.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Floyd Mayweather Pro Life, Not Privacy

By Matt November 28, 2014 @ 7:19 AM

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Floyd Mayweather is being sued by his ex fiancee Shantel Jackson because he allegedly beat the shit out of her and publicly outed her for having an abortion. She sees this as an invasion of privacy and definitely no way to impress a lady. Floyd thinks making his former fetus Thanksgiving dinner conversation for the masses serves as a worthwhile tribute. Mayweather insists that his actions did not cross any lines because Jackson was in a relationship with him, thereby making her a public figure and fair game for abortion shaming. He has a point. If you don’t want to be a public figure, stop getting punched in the face by Floyd Mayweather. People have come to expect a certain standard of normalcy. To deny them this would be plain selfish, you baby killer. Here’s some concealer.

Floyd Mayweather’s Son Seems Torn

By Matt November 20, 2014 @ 1:06 PM

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Floyd Mayweather’s 14 year old son Koraun Mayweather did a lengthy interview for a USA Today piece where he called his father a “coward” for beating the shit out of his mom. Koraun was in the house at the time of attack and escaped to alert security, possibly saving his mom’s life. Koraun weirdly still spends time with his father in what has got to be the most awkward game of catch ever. On the plus side, he gets to drive a Bentley golf cart around so take the good with the bad. It might seem strange the kid is still visiting Floyd until you realize Floyd has served a total of two months in jail for TKOing every woman he has ever boned, because Vegas values boxing revenue over women’s teeth or the family structure. It may have been an error in judgement to call your dad out in a national publication. He’s a few knocks to the head from going O.J. level rogue and you may have just moved up on the list.

Photo Credit: Instagram