Floyd Mayweather is dumber than your dumbest friend. And that guy’s retarded. He’s made quite a bit of money but that can’t reform the school system in Detroit. In plain English he doesn’t know how to read or therefore count. He just bought a car that costs 5 million dollars. That’s the equivalent of you dropping a hundred grand on a Big Mac. He’ll be dead within a year. You can’t take it with you. I think. Don’t beat your kids. Maybe just don’t have them. Your friend could kick his ass. He’s over 160.
Floyd Mayweather’s ex-fiancee Shantel Jackson is suing the shit out of him in between bouts of porking Nelly. Who says women can’t get ahead in the world without getting punched in the head and fucking a rapper. Included in court documents are a marriage proposal Mayweather allegedly sent her via tex message which offered his undying love should negotiations go according to plan:
“This is what I offer to you. Let’s get married move in together you can go back in forth to L.A and stay at the condo. I promise I will get you in 3 A list movies this year and I’m willing to go to counseling to make us work and you can get the stuff you want and I’m willing to change but I need you to have a better attitude.”
I’m pretty sure Hollywood frowns upon straight men and most certainly doesn’t take heed from woman beaters. You’d have better luck negotiating a cameo in Aloha for Kim Jong un’s sister. She plays the caterer. Jackson rejected the proposal as it seemed inauthentic given that Mayweather is illiterate and clearly teaching Robert Shapiro how to send his first text. Tyler Perry’s movies are A-List in the same way as the Zapruder film although Oswald did far less damage to the American psyche. I wish the two of them luck. It’s a good thing Mayweather lives in Vegas. Far less clock towers and the windows are sealed.
Floyd Mayweather went to the Golden State Warriors game and was booed loudly when shown on the Jumbotron but to be fair he was the only black guy not in uniform. We’re all for progress just not in my back yard and why is this arena in my fucking back yard I have half an acre. Some wine fed sports enthusiast started heckling Mayweather while sitting right behind him but he gets that all the time. That’s why he employs body guards. Some people think it’s because he carries around stacks of hundreds for his super cool Instagram page and is a target for robbery. Not the case, a debit card and you’re all set.
Turns out Mayweather is a petite little guy who only knocks out women. Hence a lot of dudes want to kick his ass. Particularly the chick’s parolee brother but also the guy piloting the private jet. The terrorist are innovative you have to give them that. At some point during the night the chick hit a member of Mayweather’s entourage with one of those annoying clapping sticks they hand out at games and his food stamps nearly fell out of his sweat pants. Reports differ as to whether the dude reacted physically or not. Police are investigating. Either way, if McDonald’s can refuse service to any customer I’m pretty sure the NBA can too. Auction off the ticket to a charity that helps battered women. One less headache. Trip him.
The fight of the century is over. All that’s left is to steam clean the cum and body oiled stained sheets at hotels throughout Las Vegas and pretend America didn’t collectively waste ten million weeks of supplemental food stamps money watching two guys past their prime wink the shit out of each other for their mega successful flimflam. The spectacle was unparalleled, right down to somebody firing off the Mexican National Anthem because somebody in the truck felt Pacquiao looked kind of spicky. When Jamie Foxx got up to sing to the world for no good reason, I felt confident in my plan to watch by way of the less expensive Russian digital feed. The big winner was Floyd Mayweather who pulled aside female reporters asking about his history of domestic abuse and beat them with his $100 million pre-fight downpayment check. Everybody had a stake in hyping this up as a real thing. That’s how long cons get rolling. At least there are no more fights this century.
Suge Knight remains behind bars awaiting his murder trial for plowing his truck into two dudes who looked at him squirrelly. His attorney claims that Knight’s good buddy Floyd Mayweather is coming to post Knight’s $10 million bail after Saturday’s fight, First thing’s first on the to-do list. Beat Pacquiao. Bail out Suge. Kight’s lawyer went on to say that his trial defense will consist of telling the jury that the videotape of Knight’s truck driving over two people only shows the truck, not the driver. You can’t convict a truck for murder. That doesn’t sound stupid enough to work, just stupid.
Mayweather makes a shitload of questionable personal decisions and also beats women. He’ll be led into the ring tomorrow by Justin Bieber. I wouldn’t put it past him to put up the big cash to get Suge Knight out of jail. He’s just that stupid, Mayweather that is. Not Suge Knight. He’s smart enough to know when it’s time to run. Mayweather’s squandered cash will do wonders for the L.A. court budget while rumors of Suge murdering people in Ecuador start to become common lyrics in rap tunes.
Mexico has not done very well as far as having potable water or sinks or faucets or a functioning government or lawful police force but they arranged for everyone in their country who has a TV to get the Mayweather Pacquiao fight for free. The fight will cost $99 or roughly half of Mexico’s GDP minus the import of minstrel style midget talk show sidekicks. The networks, Televisa and Azteca, will make their money back by breaking up the fight and throwing in tons of commercials for salt rocks and clam juice to put in your perfectly mediocre beer. This means if you check your phone you’ll know who won before the fight is over. Spoiler alert Mayweather is going to dance around and try not to get hit and win in a decision because boxing is scored on the number of punches landed. For perspective, my cat lands sometimes lands punches and it’s not debilitating. There will be two more fights after this and Pacquiao might win one if Mayweather takes it out of his contract that he hires the judges. There will be a lot of eyes on this fight. Might be the perfect time to sneak across the border.