Floyd Mayweather Needs to Buy Self-Esteem Points

By Matt October 07, 2014 @ 6:39 AM

Floyd

You know the guy who got a free Chili’s gift card for attending a timeshare sales pitch and has the nerve to sell you on it at dinner. The guy who overdosed on pills twice and delivers Evangelical sermons to your voicemail thrice daily. The dude who attended a Tony Robbins seminar who you cannot shake free from at the birthday party you got roped into attending by your girlfriend. That’s Floyd Mayweather. This illiterate trick pony has been convinced by his ringleaders that having a shitload of money equals anything other than having a shitload of money. You don’t see Mayweather with a smile on his face. It’s because outside of posting cheesedick photos on Intstagram and punching women to get hard, he has no veritable purpose in life. He probably considers the facemasked shakedown which took place after he Instagramed this to the world to be a status symbol. He does not understand what money stands for or how to use it, hence he spends his time staging lame photos with it while it depreciates as opposed to investing in car washes while he texts death threats to the mothers of his future felons.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Floyd Mayweather Ruins Reality TV (VIDEO)

By Lex September 25, 2014 @ 2:45 PM

I guess boxing was already ruined when everybody in the U.S. over 120 pounds decided they were no longer going to train in the sweet science. If it had not already been doomed, Floyd Mayweather would’ve figured out a way to ruin it. Mayweather is the anti-Christ of the sport. He’s enticing when you see him in action, but you wouldn’t want to handshake him on any deals after hours. Bieber’s little peen might have been there just before you.

In his latest round of ignoramus, Mayweather went before the Nevada Athletic Commission to assure them that all the bad and deviant and illicit shit they see on his Showtime All-Access reality show is completely staged, right down to the fake marijuana his ho’s are lighting up. Mayweather says the  weed smoking is designed to be controversial and ‘outside the box’ type entertainment because it’s 1987 and stuff like that is super fresh.

The show itself exists only to gin up interest in Mayweather’s mediocre bouts upcoming on Showtime pay-per-view. The Athletic Commission seemed to readily accept Mayweather’s explanation because everybody who doesn’t cheat on their diet with cheesecake nibs collectively understands that reality television is entirely fake. Also, even if Mayweather is doing all kinds of unlicensed and unwise shit, he’s one of the few big moneymakers in the sport and he has a free pass on killing up to seven Vegas prostitutes in his hotel room. You don’t axe the golden goose just because it’s a monster pain in the ass. Maybe you beat it just a little to hear it squawk.

Nik Nguyen Gypped by Floyd Mayweather

By Lex September 16, 2014 @ 10:44 AM

Nik Nguyen
Bottle service and hot wings waitress Nik Nguyen is bitching publicly about Floyd Mayweather and his entourage tipping her zilch on a bill of $25K at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas. Mayweather partied there after his win over yet another fighter nobody gives a shit about because his name isn’t Pacquiao. The bill itself was kind of moot as the hotel casino was comping Mayweather so he’d hang out there with Jamie Foxx and make the place seem more than the discount room center where Hollywood junior agents go to blow low-grade coke in the bathroom. Still, it’s customary to tip the wait staff even on a gratis bill. She did wear the skimpy outfit and bring you bottles of Grey Goose while your boys slapped her ass for hours on end.

Some Philly waiter got stiffed by an Eagles player last week and made it public as well. Charlie Sheen arose from his cocaine crypt to get attention by offering $1,000 to the stiffed waiter. I’m sure it sucks to be Old Mother Hubbarded on a tip after servicing a table full of rowdy diners. That being said, there’s some level of confidentiality implied between diner and waiter that compares to john and hooker. What you ate, how much you spent, whether or not you’re a shitty selfish bastard who cums in your server’s eye and won’t even grab a napkin. You’re paying, that’s your business. I don’t need to be on Facebook being called an asshole just because I might be an asshole.

This story did have a happy ending as security guards at the joint picked up all the loose bills Mayweather and Foxx and his crew were tossing at the hooker dancers all night and handed the crumpled bounty over to Nguyen so she could leave with a tip that smelled like snatch and Vodka.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Instagram Got Your Back, Floyd

By Matt September 11, 2014 @ 6:33 AM

Josie

Josie Harris, mother to three Floyd Mayweather offspring, had her Instagram account suspended for several days while promoting a tell all book about Floyd’s abusive nature. Two of Mayweather’s other exes have also had their Instagram accounts suspended in the past after talking shit about Mayweather online. Harris believes Floyd was behind the sudden vanishing of her account:

“You guys all know WHO deleted my Instagram account.. God forbid anybody take a liking to me someone call the police he’s an instagram theif [sic].”

Harris believes Floyd has an inside man at Instagram corporate, a devious cohort that cunty twelve year old girls and emotionally unstable tools in their late 30′s would salivate over. Harris sent a lengthy email to Instagram explaining how she doesn’t believe in coincidences and Mayweather must have somebody at Instagram helping him out. She received this canned response:

“Hi Josie, it looks like your account was suspended by mistake. I’m so sorry for the inconvenience. You should now be able to log in. If you have any issues getting back into your account, please let me know.”

This is some really interesting conspiratorial shit if you don’t have access to the latest gossip at your local junior high cafeteria. At least Josie has some material for a book sequel. As for Instagram corporate, locate the biggest dork in your office who wears the fake gold ropes and fire him immediately. That’s probably the guy.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

50 Cent’s Literacy Challenge

By Lex August 26, 2014 @ 10:44 AM

50-Cent-Muging

This is why I wouldn’t step up and Kickstart Geordie’s Reading Rainbow. A little knowledge is not a good thing. 5o Cent claims he’s worried about Floyd Mayweather’s illiteracy. Illiteracy is a nationwide epidemic that affects upwards of one-hundred percent of people who can’t read. Or forty-five percent of the Los Angeles school district, though in a 1985 statement, they say they’re working hard on it. It was forty-seven percent by last count, so maybe not working super hard. 50 Cent decided the best way to bring light to his former friend’s plight was to challenge Mayweather to read a page of a Harry Potter book aloud without sounding out the words. For this feat, 50 Cent would donate $750,000 to Mayweather’s charity of choice. 50 Cent knows Mayweather can’t read so this was more of a taunt than a challenge. Also, what kind of grown man wants to read Harry Potter?

Mayweather’s no dummy. Figuratively speaking. Literally, obviously, he is a dummy. He fired back with his pictures of his last two paychecks from his promoter totaling $72 million. And a simple message, ‘read this’. I suppose it was meant to say, read this, you Chelsea Handler Fucking Dumbledore Rapping Clown Piece of Shit. If only Mayweather could spell, he could really express his feelings.

Mayweather’s point is well taken. You don’t need to know how to read if you can make $72 million in a single year as a professional boxer. Or even a Super Bowl winning quarterback or a rapper who bangs babies into Kim Kardashian. If this is  your plan, I’d quit school right now and get to it. There are only about 20 spots open nationwide and they’re probably filling up fast. P.S. Voldemort dies.

Paycheck-to-Floyd-Mayweather

Photo credit: Splash News / Floyd Mayweather Twitter

Floyd Mayweather Desperate For Approval

By Matt August 08, 2014 @ 6:32 AM

Money

Floyd Mayweather posted a clip to Instagram of himself getting washed in a bathtub. The woman is apparently his assistant and Vegas odds just spiked on how long will pass before she sues him for sexual harassment. Mayweather posted a screed along with the vid:

“This is how I get my day started, everyday. – MR. MY LIFE IS THE SHIT”

I’m sure Warren Buffet is jealous you start every day with blue balls. If he is going to pay someone to touch him against their wishes, Floyd needs to man up and get a hooker. Or just yell really loudly at Justin Bieber one tub over. I’m not as rich as Mayweather, but I still don’t care about this childish showboating because I have a shower. Real men only receive sponge baths if they’ve been injured in battle. It’s super gay and just makes your opponents and the rest of the world want to punch you really fucking hard.

Photo Credit: Instagram