Skinny Shaming, It’s New And I Like It

By Lex April 10, 2014 @ 6:11 PM


I like when people with problems misdirect negative attention by making up problems for other people. Like when people who love to booze got sick of being labeled alcoholics so they all chipped in loose change from their ashtrays and bought a study that showed that people who don’t drink daily are going to die by thirty from alien parasites or something. People who like coffee and chocolate and unprotected anal sex have all done the same. Now the fatty fats have gone on the offensive, challenging the healthiness of skinny people. Frances Chan is feeling the brunt of skinny shaming, which is not quite as bad as fat shaming since fat people have less energy to shame other people. All Frances wanted to be was a super cliche smart Asian student in the Ivy League. But, no, health officials at Yale threatened to expel her for being too not fat. She didn’t even need to wear leggings with oversized sweatshirts like her fellow students to cover up her Northeastern liberal arts college bulge. To prove the point that she was no anorexic, Frances quadrupled her daily caloric intake to a gross amount equalling nearly one Olive Garden meal. After a month of mass consumption, she had put on zero weight, proving that she was naturally skinny and quite healthy. The fat trolls had to squeeze back into their Oscar Meyer sponsored caverns and figure out a new strategy of destroying people who don’t see pie as one of the two major food groups along with even more pie. Fat people have scored some major wins over the past few years. Airline seat belt extensions, non-discrimination policies at all you can eat buffets, and Obamacare to pay for their new hearts and shopping mall electric scooters. But today was a victory for the girls whose bones you can hear creaking during sex and you have to keep asking if they’re okay. All hail the eerily skinny chicks. They shall be our salvation.