Halle Berry Hair Fight

By Matt December 08, 2014 @ 7:12 AM


Halle Berry and her intermittently employed model ex husband Gabriel Aubry have been feuding in court about their daughter’s hair because they are both fucked up and deranged narcissists. Berry had claimed Aubry was bleaching the girl’s hair to make her appear more white. Aubry denied the allegation because he is a liar or possibly because his English is limited and he thought she was saying he liked his ass plundered during sex. Instead of shrugging this off so they could discuss the fact the kid can’t read, Berry brought the issue to court where a judge told them both to leave the girl’s hair the fuck alone.

Berry sent her daughter’s hairbrush to a forensic consulting lab that reported back what Berry wrote for them to say, the girl’s hair suffered from:

“Extensive damage … likely the cumulative effect of repeated exposure to numerous gentle bleaching treatments.”

Whether or not the girl’s hair has been bleached or she likes to go swimming in the creek near where Karen Silkwood worked, you need to keep your crazy shit to yourself. You’re bogging down the court system. Quit sending her hair away in specimen kits and maybe order the nanny to read her Goodnight Moon in Spanglish. Yes, by educating her you will expedite the timeline by which she will discover her bio parents are annoying twats, but her hating you is the closest you’ll ever come to feeling like norma parents.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Halle Berry’s Daughter Getting Whitewashed

By Matt November 25, 2014 @ 8:18 AM


Halle Berry accused her loser ex husband of trying to turn their daughter white in court. Ex model and and black market ivory trafficker Gabriel Aubry has been straightening the girl’s hair and died it blonde because he apparently wants the girl to be white. No legally sane straight dude gives a shit about his daughter’s hair. Either the little girl wanted this done or Aubry is a gay David Duke. This seems unlikely given his reverence for hot black ass. The judge ruled that neither party can now touch the child’s hair and ordered both of them to go fuck themselves. The kid is considering experimental surgery to become Taiwanese in an effort to distance herself from her bickering asshole parents. Once she reaches adulthood she will no doubt cut both of them off since they are selfish and broken enough to confuse love with hair treatment.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Gabriel Aubry Unemployable

By Matt November 04, 2014 @ 8:40 AM


Halle Berry’s ex husband is an idle hand living off her financial support. After Berry’s new hot fuck buddy Olivier Martinez beat the shit out of him, Aubry claims he was unable to get modeling work for six months because his face was fucked up and male modeling pay is an urban legend yet to be confirmed. Aubry is bilking $16,000 a month in child support, which he is spending mostly on his own tastes in expensive gym memberships and interracial porn. It’s unclear if his lack of job opportunities stem from his face being fucked up or because his only known accomplishment in life is banging Halle Berry. Not that that’s a small one. The couple share custody of their young child so the cash will keep flowing until that kid goes off to college, giving Aubry about a dozen years to make up a tear jerker backstory and find a wealthy widow to sponge bathe on Tuesdays. It’s somewhat reassuring to know that both men and women now suffer financially from marrying trophy spouses.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Halle Berry Has to Support Her Baby Daddy

By Lex June 11, 2014 @ 4:57 PM

The day women started getting into the ‘I’ll bang hot young models because I can’ game is the day they opened themselves up for all the shit that comes after. Like Halle Berry being ordered to pay $200K a year in support to the French Canadian dude she boned until she got knocked up and realized she didn’t want to spend forever with a male model. The monthly checks aren’t meant to cover the cologne and ear muff purchases of Gabriel Aubry, they’re meant to assist Gabriel in having a not so shitty home so when their joint kid comes to visit dad she won’t be living without nannies and high thread count sheets and organic gluten free living oatmeal. This just in case the lucrative hand modeling and shaving commercial gigs slow down. In short, Frenchie gets to live off the kid. Nahla. It’s Swahili for gift. Just like Daddy done got.

Photo credit: Splash News

police blame Halle Berrys ex for starting that fight

By brendon December 05, 2012 @ 9:00 PM


Police now feel that Halle Berrys ex Gabriel Aubry was actually the instigator in the fight between him and Halles fiancé Oliver Martinez, but Martinez is French so I still feel justified in not liking him. She doesn’t really sweat the details, though.

Gabriel Aubry won’t be charged with a crime after he was arrested and charged with misdemeanor battery for fighting with Berry’s fiance Olivier Martinez on Thanksgiving morning.
The reason: Berry and Martinez feel it would not be in the best interest of Berry and Aubry’s four-year-old daughter, Nahla.
Instead, Aubry is expected to agree to anger management courses.

Ahhh, I should have known the so-called “victim” was lying to get back at his ex! It’s the Jerry Sandusky trial all over again!

(source = celebuzz, image source = fame/flynet)

Halle Berry will pay Gabriel Aubrys medical and legal fees

By brendon November 30, 2012 @ 5:17 PM


Halle Berry and her fiancé Oliver Martinez have offered to pay whatever medical and legal fees Gabriel Aubry might accrue as a result of Martinez beating the shit out of Aubry last week for no apparent reason, but please don’t think this means Martinez did anything wrong. Oh heavens no.

“The settlement that was reached between Halle and Gabe in the aftermath of his arrest for allegedly getting into a fight with Olivier Martinez, includes an agreement that the couple will pay for the Canadian model’s legal and medical bills. Without admitting ANY guilt, Olivier agreed to pay for Gabe’s medical bills because he suffered the brunt of the injuries from the fight,” a source close to the situation tells Radar exclusively.

Oh ok. So Martinez won’t admit to starting the fight, that must mean Aubry started it, and now Martinez wants to help sue himself and pay his attackers medical bills. It makes perfect sense. In a related story, Casey Anthonys ghost daughter led her to some buried treasure.