Gene Simmons Home Investigated for Child Porn

By Lex August 21, 2015 @ 9:35 AM


A special child porn police force of the future raided the home of Gene Simmons where they grabbed up computers and other electronic devices which may or may not include Shannon Tweed’s vibrator because I’d take that too. Police are quick to point out that nobody in the Simmons family is suspected of downloading child porn, but somebody did do the criminal deed using their Internet account. Obvious culprits include the family dog who rubs his cock on trees and the neighbors with the Econoline van who operate a volunteer day care center called Beautiful Child.

Thanks for your support. We couldn’t be more horrified that someone used our residence for such heinous crimes. Law enforcement is on it. Goodnight and don’t forget to change your passwords. — Shannon Tweed on Twitter

Jesus, Jared. Why didn’t you figure out such an impenetrable defense strategy? That creepy Burger King horked my Wifi. As it turns out, Beth is not a strong password. Congratulations, you’re going to need new laptops and some better hair plugs.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Gene Simmons Encourages Suicide And Shit Around The Web

By Michael August 15, 2014 @ 11:27 AM


Gene Simmons has a simple solution to people suffering from depression or who drink or do drug: kill yourself. While many of us can relate to the desire to tell unhappy sons of bitches to just go and end it, when they’re standing on the stepladder with the homemade noose, not many of would actually yell “Jump, you fucking pussy!”.

Read what a guy who wears demon makeup has to say about psychiatry. (Huffington Post)

Jessica Alba lacy panties flashing full upskirt. A fine place to dine! (Egotastic)

Someone fucked up on a Downton Abbey promotional shoot and left a water bottle on set. (Dlisted)

Tiny-peen troll Justin Bieber is likely banging Selena Gomez again. (The Superficial)

Audrina Partridge is still alive and looks smoking hot in a bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)

Sveva Alviti in a tiny tiny black bikini. You’re welcome. (Celebslam)

Emmanuelle Chriqui’s deep cleavage is ridiculous. (Hollywood Tuna)

Gene Simmons’ Advice For Immigrants

By Matt August 13, 2014 @ 6:16 AM


Gene Simmons went on a fresh rant advising immigrants to learn English. Simmons has a knack for taking mundane ideas and passing them off as controversial. Take the over produced butt rock band he founded. Simmons convinced an entire generation that scary face painting and puking blood was cool and edgy as opposed to a shitty haunted house gag you would have told your parents you were too old for by fifth grade. Ever since taking advantage of America’s collective cocaine induced psychosis, Simmons believes all of his ideas are groundbreaking. Take his advice to immigrants:

“I’m actually saying the thing that needs to be said because the politically correct climate is bullshit, You don’t want to upset anybody by saying, ‘Learn to speak goddamn English.’ So, as an immigrant, I’m telling you: learn to speak goddamn English. It is the key that will unlock the keys to the kingdom.”

Simmons routinely makes No Shit commentary with the air of a theologian discussing philosophical matters. He’s that guy who tells you he started substituting honey mustard for mayonnaise like he should win a MacArthur Grant. Outside of some reconquistador extremists, who would argue against Simmons? Of course it would benefit immigrants to learn English. Most do. All of them make their kids learn English. It’s probably easier when you have down time between cashing residual checks and firing the dude with male tit cancer from the band. Thanks, Demon.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Paul Stanley Claims Ace and Peter Were Down on the Jews

By Michael April 09, 2014 @ 1:35 PM

According to Kiss’ asshole front man Paul Stanley, Ace Frehley and Peter Criss hate Jews, most notably himself and Gene Simmons. It’s all in his latest must-read book, Face the Music: A Life Exposed, (that was in no way ghostwritten).Simmons and Stanley’s real names are Chaim Witz and Stanley Eisen, in other words as Jewy Jewish as you can Jewishly get. Criss and Frehley have been feuding on and off with Simmons and Stanley for thirty years, mostly over money and who owns what and why Ace Frehley is living under a freeway overpass while Gene Simmons gets to bang Shannon Tweed in a Bel Air mansion But Stanley thinks it all boils down to antisemitism. According to the Starchild,

“Ace and particularly Peter felt powerless and impotent when faced with the tireless focus, drive and ambition of me and Gene. As a result, the two of them tried to sabotage the band — which, as they saw it, was unfairly manipulated by [us] money-grubbing Jews.”

I don’t know if Frehley and Criss are anti-Semites but I do know that Simmons and Stanley are money grubbers. It’s not because they are Jewish. It’s because they are greedy fucks who love money just like the Christians, Muslims, and Pagan Wiccan who happen to love them some cash. Gene and Paul will slap the Kiss logo on everything from lunch boxes to dildos. Their new Arena League licensed football team is a sporting world abortion. But, make no mistake, they’re getting paid. And most everybody who isn’t making money along with them thinks they’re big assholes. Ace and Peter just think they’re big Jewish assholes. But it could just be the sour grapes of ex-rockers in their 60′s and on food stamps.

Tito Ortiz And Gene Simmons Really Classed Up The 300 Premiere

By Travis March 05, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

They say you can tell a lot about a movie based on the type of people who show up to the premiere, and if that is indeed the case, then 300: Rise of an Empire is the Celebrity Rehab of movies in 2014. Among the many other people that you’ve probably never heard of, Tito Ortiz and his wife Kristin graced the red carpet, as did Gene Simmons and his son Nick. If only someone there had possessed the vision to tell Tito that Nick and Gene grabbed his wife’s ass, we could have actually received a little entertainment from this movie that was basically only made so a million former frat boys could bust out their Halloween costumes from 2006 one more time. Fortunately, Lena Headey and Eva Green were also there, so it wasn’t a complete dumpster fire.

Photo Credits: FayesVision/ Brian To/


By brendon March 21, 2007 @ 12:06 PM

It was a wily idea for KISS singer (?) Gene Simmons and his girlfriend, 1982 Playmate of the Year Shannon Tweed, to get facelifts and tape it all for their A&E reality show "Family Jewels".  Because until three seconds ago, I'd never heard of their reality show. Or A&E. Or Playmates. I have heard of dancing candy canes and stuffed animals who come to life to take me on adventures. Later, technicians will find that I have a natural gas leak in my house and they fear much of the damage may be permanent.