I despise TV people. The morning mannequins rank somewhere between hyper-aggressive pedophiles and the Kardashians in terms of people we need to rocket to the moon several decades ahead of any life-sustaining technologies. Here’s this innocent kid ‘Colin’. He’s somewhere on the autism spectrum, you know because he’s cute as a fucking button but horribly socially awkward and his hobby is bow ties. This country’s got hundreds of thousands of these little Bill Gates boys muddling around these days. They’re harmless, until they get power and crush all the boring normals. Colin’s mom is a good and decent fat mom who cried her eyes out when Colin said he didn’t want a birthday party because he has no friends. Which he doesn’t, because he’s busy with his bow ties and subconsciously working on Windows 2020 to enslave another generation of PC users.
His mom started a secret Facebook campaign to get people around the world to send Colin shout outs and warm wishes for his upcoming birthday. If you know Facebook, this worked like fucking gangbusters, with millions of responses from around the world. If you know morning talk show producers, then you know they caught wind of this feel good story and decided it had to be exploited for ratings by their radish-brained smiling makeup faces. So it turned into a big Good Morning America surprise party for Colin, who they lied to and told he was going to New York to test out video games. Instead they set him up for a national TV reveal that he’s an awkward kid with no friends. Then they let loose a horribly lame GMA sound stage party. Even the stiffy hosts Robin Roberts and George Stephanopoulos revealed an inkling of discomfort at the TV circus at the autistic boys expense. For his part, Colin stood there frozen wondering where the fuck his video games were and making a mental list of who he’d kill first with his homemade bow tie laser gun. Fuck you, TV people. When you get disintegrated, I’m going to applaud.