By Michael January 20, 2016 @ 12:00 PM
Gwyneth Paltrow is always telling us how to live our lives. She claims if we eat all macrobiotic and shit we’ll look awesome. Judging from her ass the main ingredient in her kale smoothies is cellulite. It looks like a deflated tire. To be fair to deflated tires, they eventually do shut up.
This pic of her in a bikini explains why Mr. Coldplay left. (Drunken Stepfather)
Lia Marie Johnson in a swimsuit is a beautiful thing. (Last Men On Earth)
Rita Ora in her natural habitat: a bikini. (TMZ)
Micaela Schaefer shows off her mammoth tits in lingerie. (Egotastic)
Chloe Grace Moretz is all legs in tight jeans. (Popoholic)
I’m all about the butt. (The Chive)
Sara Jean Underwood and her sideboob came to the party. (Hollywood Tuna)
By Lex October 15, 2015 @ 6:56 AM
Gwyneth Paltrow and Kate Hudson hit the same evening spot without bras to show the world that yoga and plastic surgery and money are literally unstoppable. The two celebrity moms exchanged ideas on how to fleece the female general public with merchandising cons so simplistic, it’s hard to believe they work. But they do. Then they cackled without moving their lips and agreed that if neither is married for the fourth time when they’re sixty, they’ll become a sexless lesbian couple and run a Botox farm. Campbell’s soup is scouting them now for a #RealRealAmerica commercial. Where’s my drone, Obama?
Photo Credit: Getty
By Michael August 07, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Expert on everything Gwyneth Paltrow is appearing before congress to talk about GMOs. Because, you know, having starred in Shakespeare in Love makes you a fucking scientist. Can congress have people arrested for being fucking stupid?
Read all about Gwyneth’s latest crusade. (The Superficial)
Sarah Paulson did a topless scene and it is good. (Egotastic All-Stars)
To be fair Donald Trump mainly said misogynistic things against Rosie O’Donnell. Does that count? (TMZ)
Rihanna in a bikini because bitch hates her some clothes. (Drunken Stepfather)
Bella Thorne’s cleavage makes a man think sinful thoughts. (Hollywood Tuna)
Salma Hayek’s tits cannot be contained by clothes. (Popoholic)
Girls taking underwear pics in mirrors because they can. (The Chive)
By Michael July 29, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Professional White person Gwyneth Paltrow is selling handbags on her shitty Goop website that have the names of famous dead rappers like Biggie and Tupac on them. Gwyneth is why minorities hate White people.
What’s next? Fubu? (The Superficial)
Summer St. Claire does a striptease. (Egotastic All-Stars)
The Incredible Hulk loves Donald Trump. (TMZ)
Giselle Bundchen wore a burqa to get her tits done. (Dlisted)
Charlotte McKinney talks bras with Cosmo. (COED)
Kelly Stafford jumping with shorty shorts on. (Busted Coverage)
Nikki Howard from those Old Spice commercials is hot as shit. (The Chive)
By Matt June 08, 2015 @ 7:31 AM
Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t like being compared to other actresses who have started lifestyle websites selling thirty dollar mason jars and non invasive salt shakers even though they’re doing exactly the same thing. She feels the comparisons are unfair, even though herself, Reese Witherspoon, Jessica Alba, and Blake Lively are all slightly past their prime female sex symbols who started businesses aimed at selling overpriced kitschy bullshit to Wall Street wives:
“People are grasping at straws to tie us together and I get it, because it makes a good story, but I’m slightly offended by this sort of generalization that happens with myself and Jessica and Reese and Blake… I feel there’s something slightly misogynistic about it.”
Yes something indeed. Nothing specific, I can’t put my finger on it, but trust me it’s lurking. It’s so typical of people to be sexist in a nondescript way by pointing out glaring similarities between a subset of people. Why isn’t anyone mentioning how George Clooney and Prince Fielder both like to jerk off in their home theaters? Probably because it’s not a recent phenomenon and seems to have a practical use unlike your stupid toaster cozy. I think the marinades are killing your braincells. Twat.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex May 19, 2015 @ 9:46 AM
Gwyneth Paltrow has been declared a guru of health despite having pretty much of all her tonics and colonics and health regimens debunked by science as pure enrichment programs. She’s Dr. Oz if you wanted to hate fuck Dr. Oz. For those of you who do, you’ll really super get that analogy. I heard two women talking the other day about how even though much of Paltrow’s product line and advice is crap, some of it is still good and worth investing in. Which goes a long way toward explaining why men will still rule this planet until long after we’re all dead. Paltrow allowed herself to be Photoshopped and pasted into Women’s Health magazine so she could focus her attention anywhere but how her ex-husband is plowing Jennifer Lawrence while she farts from her meat diet. That’s not the peace sign, that’s the middle finger plus one.
Photo Credit: Women’s Health