Gwyneth Paltrow Tough Life

By Matt June 08, 2015 @ 7:31 AM

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Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t like being compared to other actresses who have started lifestyle websites selling thirty dollar mason jars and non invasive salt shakers even though they’re doing exactly the same thing. She feels the comparisons are unfair, even though herself, Reese Witherspoon, Jessica Alba, and Blake Lively are all slightly past their prime female sex symbols who started businesses aimed at selling overpriced kitschy bullshit to Wall Street wives:

“People are grasping at straws to tie us together and I get it, because it makes a good story, but I’m slightly offended by this sort of generalization that happens with myself and Jessica and Reese and Blake… I feel there’s something slightly misogynistic about it.”

Yes something indeed. Nothing specific, I can’t put my finger on it, but trust me it’s lurking. It’s so typical of people to be sexist in a nondescript way by pointing out glaring similarities between a subset of people. Why isn’t anyone mentioning how George Clooney and Prince Fielder both like to jerk off in their home theaters? Probably because it’s not a recent phenomenon and seems to have a practical use unlike your stupid toaster cozy. I think the marinades are killing your braincells. Twat.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Gwyneth Paltrow All Good

By Lex May 19, 2015 @ 9:46 AM

Gwyneth Paltrow Wears Bikini Bottoms Womens Health
Gwyneth Paltrow has been declared a guru of health despite having pretty much of all her tonics and colonics and health regimens debunked by science as pure enrichment programs. She’s Dr. Oz if you wanted to hate fuck Dr. Oz. For those of you who do, you’ll really super get that analogy. I heard two women talking the other day about how even though much of Paltrow’s product line and advice is crap, some of it is still good and worth investing in. Which goes a long way toward explaining why men will still rule this planet until long after we’re all dead. Paltrow allowed herself to be Photoshopped and pasted into Women’s Health magazine so she could focus her attention anywhere but how her ex-husband is plowing Jennifer Lawrence while she farts from her meat diet. That’s not the peace sign, that’s the middle finger plus one.

Photo Credit: Women’s Health

Gwyneth Is Back on the Market And Shit Around The Web

By Jack April 20, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Gwyneth Paltrow is officially divorced from her ex-husband Chris Martin. You can new age label this shit all you want, when a couple hens with tons of dough call it quits, there’s a ton of legal work to get through. Also, less importantly, less died today. RIP True Love.

Read all about the conscious uncoupling’s finalization. (TMZ)

Vanessa Hudgens shows off her boobage in New York City. (Egotastic)

Stephen Colbert interviews George Lucas aka. the guy who raped your childhood. (Huffington Post)

Kelly Gale looks hotter in Victoria’s Secret lingerie than your girlfriend. (Drunken Stepfather)

Miranda Lambert’s cleavage really is a thing of beauty. (Hollywood Tuna)

Daniela Lopez Osorio in a bikini will make your eyes pop out like a cartoon wolf. (Popoholic)

Do you like girls in sports bras? Well, then it’s your lucky day. (The Chive)

Gwyneth Paltrow On Food Stamps

By Matt April 13, 2015 @ 8:28 AM

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Gwyneth Paltrow bought a week’s worth of groceries for $29 as part of the N.Y. Food Bank challenge which ask rich people to pretend to be poor people much like Marie Antoinette did with her friends before the revolution. $29 is what the food stamps now gets you as a family on the dole, not including the carton of Newports and jug wine. I’d presume Paltrow didn’t clear out her pantry first and will be throwing this directly into the garbage after the photo has been taken along with the generic i-Pads she got from schwag on her latest shit box movie.

Proof that Paltrow doesn’t really get it shines bright. If your kid’s on the football team this is a day’s worth of diarrhea. You bought seven limes, you stupid twat. I guess they’re for your kids to suck on once the organic produces runs out on Wednesday. If you were actually doing this there’d be tons of Kraft products which most of us have lived off of for $29 bucks a week in something we called being 18-25 years old. We knew the shiny produce section was not for us. If you’re going to counter with that being unhealthy neither is starving or sticking up tourists outside the Jack in the Box. Paltrow just used a week’s worth of food stamps to make a healthy Mexi-salad for four. People hate you. Go home to your real food.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Gwyneth’s Steamy Vag And Shit Around The Web

By Jack January 29, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Goop goddess Gwyneth Paltrow is recommending her readers steam their vaginas. Apparently, Gwyneth shoots scented steam up her love tunnel like an 1800′s locomotive. Doctors and sane people don’t think you should do this. Lesbians remain cautiously neutral.

Read all about Gwyneth’s steamed clam. (The Superficial)

Alessandra Ambrosio poses in a bikini like it’s her job. Oh wait, it is. (Egotastic)

Ever wonder what a pair of triple M tits look like? Well, you’re in luck. (TMZ)

Shantel VanSanten’s bikini body in Maxim is super special and by special I mean faptastic. (Huffington Post)

Yara Khmidan shows us how a pro wears a bikini for San Lorenzo swimwear. (Drunken Stepfather)

Selena Gomez is playing out my fantasy where she’s a hitchhiker and I’m a horny trucker. (Popoholic)

Johnny Depp admits Mortdecai sucked donkey balls and that he’s become the drag queen version of himself. (Dlisted)

Gwyneth Paltrow Scaring People

By Lex January 22, 2015 @ 11:08 AM

Olivia Munn Seems Scared Of Gwyneth Paltrow
When Gwyneth Paltrow approaches, you can count on two things. First, she’s going to tell you that you look amazing but you’ll quickly realize she’s really talking about herself. Second, she’s going to reluctantly share a crazy sex thing she’s into and you’re going to be forced to pretend it’s true. Paltrow’s public relations teams enacted Plan 9 for Gwyneth Paltrow when she and Gay Beethoven split up. Women with reputations for being cold don’t do well image wise when their man leaves them. The standard plan calls for (1) insisting you’re good buddies with your ex, (2) dropping dating rumors involving handsome co-stars, and (3) leaking as many crazy sex stories into the fatty gossip sphere. I don’t know if it works. I know Gwyneth Paltrow won’t stop talking about her sexual adventures. She went on Ellen and admitted she’s a member of the Mile High Club. She seems kinky. I wish she were my girlfriend. Let’s go see her movie, twice.

Photo Credit: Getty/Splash/FameFlynet/INF