Gwyneth Paltrow Introduces Her Readers to Great Sex

By Lex December 19, 2014 @ 11:03 AM

Gwyneth Paltrow Gives Her Goop Readers In An Intro To Tantra
Gwyneth Paltrow seems like the perfect woman to be instructing other women on the glory of sexual exploration. I wouldn’t read to much into her henpecking Gay Beethoven until he fled in the middle of the night with his travel piano. She could’ve been legs akimbo in the sex swing every afternoon and all he was inspired to do was write a song about a medical book he read as a child. Gwyneth isn’t going to let that happen to her high-end frigid Goop clients. She launched a special feature digging into the world of Tantra, which is the Indian word for long, slow, creepy sex between dudes with ponytails and women who talk a lot about sensual aromas but mostly smell like liverwurst.

I read the article twice and gleaned the fact that married couples get bored with each other very quickly and the sex suffers. This can be cured if the husband orders his wife to get loaded on wine when she gets home, take a bath, and then drowns in the tub and he finds himself a hot young second wife replacement. Also by staring deeply into each other’s eyes. Unless you’re charging money over a live stream, I’ve never seen the need for sex to last longer than a commercial break, maybe a half-time break if it’s her birthday. If women want amazingly grateful and hard working lovers, they should follow the lead of our nation’s high school English teachers and start fucking high school boys who will go down on them for an hour in exchange for buying up beer. You won’t read that advice on Goop, it’s too useful.

Photo Credit: Getty/”Thank You For Sharing” Lionsgate

Gwyneth Paltrow Creates Bra for Angry Women

By Lex December 12, 2014 @ 12:44 PM

Gwyneth Paltrow Now Selling 80 Dollar Bras On Goop
In her quest to make the world a better place for skinny women who find parenting and being pleasant to their husbands rather droll, Gwyneth Paltrow released a line of expensive bras on her Goop website that only fit chicks with small tops who don’t mind paying $100 out the door for a brassiere. In an era when the chic trend is to go without any boob support, the Paltrow bra is specifically designed for women who want to let the world know that just getting to second base is going to be a monster pain in the ass

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Gwyneth Paltrow Says Untrue Things

By Matt November 13, 2014 @ 8:15 AM


Gwyneth Paltrow says she is proud of her wrinkles and doesn’t care about makeup or her face. This is atypical for someone who is exceptionally vein and obsessed with aesthetics right down to the hand crafted toilet paper holders she hawks. It is particularly outrageous when you realize she endorses several cosmetic products:

“I’m not the type to look in the mirror and study my looks… I don’t tend to wear much make-up either.”

Paltrow wants to pass off a hired stylist and a closet full of designer powders, creams and jellies and back alley kidney surgeon instruments as a natural look. How does a Photoshopped side boob on the cover of Cosmo draw the ire of the women’s lib movement and this shit flies? I don’t see how young women are supposed to measure up to this liar. Everyone hates that dude who works out six hours a day and tells you it’s good genes. Paltrow spends more time on her face than she wants you to know. She may not have implants or any cosmetic surgery she’s disclosing, but that doesn’t mean she can’t hold up an unrealistic standard of beauty and help lead a generation of insecure tweens to drown their image issues in the organic paisley Xanax she will soon be releasing on Goop.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Brentwood on Suicide Watch

By Lex November 06, 2014 @ 1:42 PM


I hate partisan politics with a passion. It routinely involves men engaging in bitchy pointless debates without any self-awareness of how much you sound like girls fighting with their mom over what they’re allowed to wear to school. After you tell me how great the Democratic Party is, or the Republican Party is, why don’t you take a dump in a chocolate cake and charge me extra for the pudding center.

Here in Los Angeles, the single largest bastion of self-described progressives in the country, they are fucking reeling over the Tuesday election results. It’s like everybody is four years old and somebody popped their fucking circus balloon. The long moping faces is something on the proportion of Sadie Hawkins day at Smith College. Everybody looks freaking miserable. From the partisan yucks who paid $35K to watch Gwyneth Paltrow virtually fellate the Handsomest President Ever to the chicks who get aroused over late term abortions, the farbissineh punims about town could turn every box of soy milk in this city.

Buck up, Los Angeles. Circle around Ellen’s pant suit four times and think happy thoughts about how grateful the poor people will be when you can start giving them your scraps again.

Photo credit: Splash News

Gwyneth Paltrow Does Aerobics Just Like You and Me (VIDEO)

By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 12:37 PM

Gwyneth Paltrow wants everyone to know she can turn the world on with just one smile. Six months or so ago, she just wanted to let everyone know she could kill you with just one phone call. How one unconscious coupling can change even the most pretentious woman. Especially when the media is saturated solely with news of Gay Beethoven and his semi-erect shtupping of Jennifer Lawrence. The Wicked Witch doesn’t mind being called wicked, she just can’t abide not being talked about at all.

Gwyneth Paltrow is everywhere. She’s gushing on talk shows, penning Obama fantasy fiction, and showing off her more human side she had a team of market researchers outline for her on Powerpoint. Gwyneth even let someone film her doing group aerobics while laughing like a schoolgirl on camera. Where is our mega-bitch and what have you done with her?

When the holidays come around, expect to see Gwyneth ‘caught’ on camera ladling out soup at the homeless shelters and helping random parents afford organic moisturizing hand lotion for their children. Operation Make Gwyneth Slightly Less Hated, engage!

Photo Credit: Instagram

Gwyneth Paltrow Declares Obama Super Fucking Handsome

By Lex October 10, 2014 @ 12:05 PM

Gwyneth Paltrow Sheer Skirt
Not many people can throw a party that shuts down an entire metropolis. By force. By all accounts, Gwyneth Paltrow’s super gluten free soiree fundraiser for President Obama was a smashing success. Gwyneth got the chance to look wicked important in front of her politically automated Hollywood peers while virtually fellating the Commander in Chief like she was an excited teen applying for a job at the coolest bike shop in town.

“You’re so handsome I can hardly speak”.

Yep, she actually said that. Along with seventeen other blathered girly platitudes. Gwyneth saved room for creampie dessert by mentioning how super awesome wonderful Obama was in working toward eliminating the gender pay gap, especially for working moms like herself. It is rather ridiculous that she only earned seven million for the last Iron Man 3 while her cast mate and chief villain Guy Pearce made one million. Wait, which is more again? Either way, one of the seven nannies needs to pack her shit and go.

I’m not sure how much organic goat’s milk cheese you can consume to earn out your $25,000 party entry free, but a commemorative photo with the bestest President ever and the chance to sneak off and smell Gwyneth’s superior Moroccan bed sheets can’t be calculated in dollars. I would be kind of pissed when they switched to cash bar after 9pm.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI