Obama and Gwyneth Paltrow To Join Wonder Twin Powers at Rush Hour

By Lex October 09, 2014 @ 1:48 PM

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Right about the time L.A. traffic gets super fucking horrible today, President Obama is going to make it truly memorably by hitting up the Gwyneth Paltrow Goop House West to discuss matters related to ISIS, the prevailing long term bond rates, and any possible Danish salves that might help his lady be more ready for him without the need for foreplay. I can’t imagine a place I’d rather be than a get together with Barack and Gwyneth and one hundred of their self-satisfied and decked out friends racing to slap Ben Affleck on the back for defending killer Muslims from being labeled as killer Muslims. That is if Jennifer Garner allows the contact.

I’d never suggest anything bad happen to the President of the United States. It’s illegal to even think about stuff like that. They will Minority Report your ass right down to Guantanamo. Same thing goes for Gwyneth Paltrow who has been designated a national landmark or treasure or ex-patriot whiny halibut or something like that. Gwyneth has been trying desperately to be in the news since she uncoupled with her husband and he started coupling with that hot topless chick from all those 4Chan photos. I wish all of them nothing but a wonderful evening. At the same time, if I send over a horribly feverish recent immigrant from Sierra Leone with flowers for the party, please let him in to use the toilet.

Gwyneth Paltrow Isn’t Perfect And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 26, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Gwyneth Paltrow wants you to know she’s not even all that close to perfect. She may seem arrogant and act holier-than-thou and speak in a tone that seems patronizing if not completely dismissive, but she’s just one us.

Read all about how Gwyneth Paltrow is a common woman (Dlisted)

Do yourself a favor and look at these topless pics of Daisy Lowe. (Drunken Stepfather)

Snooki shat out a baby and another future spreader of chlamydia.(Huffington Post)

Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant with bastard baby number three and showing off. (TMZ)

Vanessa Hudgens has an entire caravan of camel toe in her pants. (Hollywood Tuna)

Emily Ratajkowski wears panties and nothing else for Calvin Klein. (COED)

Surprise! Hollywood is sexist about superheroes. (Movie Pilot)

Gwyneth Paltrow Tightens Leash

By Matt September 24, 2014 @ 6:09 AM

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Gwyneth Paltrow still has her husband pussy whipped even though he’s getting hotter younger celebrity photo hacked pussy. Anonymous sources, who would have to be Paltrow’s upstairs gimp given the intimate knowledge, claims Paltrow drew up a schedule for Chris Martin detailing when he is compelled to show up and mope around their former marital home. Paltrow wants to make sure her kids get plenty of normal family time with both of her parents and photographs of the two of them sharing in parenting work to show at their kids’ future minors emancipation trial. Paltrow’s current maternal duties include watching Sámi caretakers on Skype administering wheat grass IVs to her children and trying to find pictures of the kids where they don’t look like sickly demonic toe-heads. Martin hasn’t completely lost his zeal for submissive punishment so he’ll likely keep to his prescribed visitation schedule. Though at some point he is going to start bringing Jennifer Lawrence around with him. This despite the double asterisk note at the bottom of the Goop emails insisting he never bring his cheap blonde whore or he’ll be put in the punishment chair.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Gwyneth Paltrow Joins The Tribe And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 05, 2014 @ 11:35 AM

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Gwyneth Paltrow is officially converting to Judaism. She has fucked around with that mystical bracelet Kabbalah bullshit for years but now she is officially joining the Chosen People. That won’t be much of a self-esteem switch for Gwyneth. As a Jew I rend my garments in grief. This is the worst thing to happen to us in 70 years.

Read about all this messhuggah shonda. (The Superficial)

Scarlett Johansson drops a vagina troll from her lady flower. (Dlisted)

Aubrey O’Day’s ass likes to watch TV. (Drunken Stepfather)

Alessandra Ambrosio’s cleavage makes life worth living. (Popoholic)

Irina Shayk is scantily clad again. Joy! (COED)

The leaked nude pics of Jennifer Lawrence to be used in an art show because why not? (Moviepilot)

Hilary Duff’s lady parts are too big for her clothes, in a good way (Hollywood Tuna)

Gwyneth Paltrow in A Bikini For the Ice Bucket Challenge (VIDEO)

By Lex August 21, 2014 @ 8:33 AM







Have you heard about this ALS Ice Bucket Challenge that’s going around? Gwyneth Paltrow scratched her noggin and invented a way to raise money for charity while looking like a cool mom in her sensible bikini. Better yet, she nominated her ex-husband Chris Martin to take the challenge, along with her dear friends A-list actress Cameron Diaz and famed celebrity designer Stella McCartney. It’s great how she and Chris remain friends and how happy she is that Chris is dating the hotter younger bigger titted version of herself. Also, how she fills the charity breach like, well, like the North Star of friends. If Gwyneth Paltrow got any more amazing, we’d have to come up with even more radiant nicknames. I bet we could.

Gwyneth Paltrow Is Deeply Amazing

By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 11:01 AM

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When word got out that Chris Martin was dating Jennifer Lawrence, Gwyneth Paltrow and her rapid response team of semi-psychotic public relations yentas leapt into action. There was a explosive dispersement of stories to the major magazines about how Gwyneth was being courted by one of the dudes who created Glee. In fact, it was suggested, maybe the pair had been canoodling for some time. In your face, Gay Beethoven. As if Gwyneth couldn’t instantly replace you with another effeminate creative genius who hates himself enough to date you.

Part two of the public reputation saving plan launched this week as Gwyneth’s circle of celebrity minor friends like Jessica Seinfeld suddenly began Tweeting about what an amazing person she is.

I have never met anyone with more true and loyal best friends than this baby girl. She is deeply and intensely loved by her friends. I hope each of you has someone in your life that is a wise and steady North Star like this one is to so many.

There were a bunch of smiley face and fireworks and glittery emoticons in the quote as well I can’t reproduce because I’m using WordPress and I’m not an eleven year old girl . If any of my friends ever sent me firework emoticons, I’d inform them we were no longer bunking head to foot at Burning Man. But I’m not deeply and intensely loved as Gwyneth Paltrow, the North Star of friends.

It used to be you had to circumnavigate the globe in a creaky clipper ship to earn such an impressive nickname. Now recommending an earth-friendly conditioner and sending autographed photos of yourself to your friends for their birthdays will do. If Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence get engaged, expect to see Gwyneth receiving a medal from Obama in the Rose Garden for having flawless skin. She’s not being one-upped again.

Photo credit: Jessica Seinfeld/Instagram