Gwyneth Paltrow Was a Victim

By Lex January 02, 2015 @ 11:17 AM

Gwyneth Paltrow Shows Some Skin For Harper's Bazaar UK

Gwyneth Paltrow interviews inevitably boil down to her trying to sound profound while discussing how nobody gives her the shit she wants. It’s like listening to a four year old channeling Aristotle during a tantrum because the Winnebago Barbie is out of stock. To perceive is to suffer… I want Barbie! On discussing her unconscious coupling from Gay Beethoven:

“I had built my life on trying to be all things to all people, and I just couldn’t do it anymore, and I really had the sense that I wasn’t allowed to have needs, and I had to prove my specialness or self-worth by doing all this stuff and taking care of everybody else, and I just sort of hit a wall.”

I don’t have a clue what that means but I’ll just assume she wants to be a super bitchy and still get laid while being told she’s beautiful. That’s a gift you may not receive from your husband who never got over his boarding school boy crushes. Paltrow says she and Chris Martin only now have the relationship they were meant to have. Which is, she can drop the kids off for a couple weeks while she experiments with tantric sex in picturesque villa getaway in Morocco, only $7,900 if you book through Goop. Let’s ignore her and hope she stays in her room.

Photo Credit: Harper’s Bazaar UK

Gwyneth Hates Mean Girls And Shit Around The Web

By Jack December 31, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Lithesome harpy Gwyneth Paltrow believes that women are mean to each other and that needs to stop. It’s okay for women to be mean to men and children and pets not named Sir Reginald, but women need to have each other’s backs and encourage one another to buy lots of shit they don’t need. As a for instance, on Goop.

Read all about Gwyneth’s girl power bullshit. (Dlisted)

Khloe Kardashian shows off her hamhocks in a sequined dress. (Huffington Post)

Leann Rimes shows off her bikini bod on Twitter. (Drunken Stepfather)

This is Patrycja Farbis and this is her in leopard print lingerie. (Hollywood Tuna)

Xenia Deli in lingerie makes me happy in my wiener. (Popoholic)

Aaron Paul may trade in his meth hazmat suit for a blaster to be the new Han Solo. (The Superficial)

Lily Aldridge has got some big ol’ titties, y’all. (Celebslam)

Gwyneth Paltrow Too Stupid For Yahoo!

By Lex December 23, 2014 @ 8:44 AM

Gwyneth Paltrow Too Dumb To Write For Yahoo
Yahoo! is almost entirely click-bait computer generated titles with Sudanese refugees and moonlighting U.S. Postal Service clerks penciling in a few paragraphs that may or may not have anything to do with the headline. You can forget seeing the video touted in the lead, it’s not there. Yahoo! shouldn’t be allowed to criticize anyone. But they did. Gwyneth Paltrow. That still seems oddly fair.

Somebody found something saying Yahoo! CEO Marissa Meyer dropped Gywneth Paltrow from a feature gig writing for Yahoo! Food because Paltrow was a college dropout. If you guessed she had a PhD in a hard science on trivia night, you’re probably going to be asked to leave your team. The Yahoo! CEO places a particularly strong emphasis on employees having a college degree and just having been rejected by Google and Facebook for real jobs. Given that most Yahoo! Food articles are barely vetted listicles on ten items you should be including in your diet, an eerily similar list to the article they ran a week earlier about ten food items that might be killing you, the standard seems pretty low. I’m sure they could suffer a few paragraphs from Paltrow on anti-oxidant berries that taste delicious spitting in your husband’s eye and calling him a cowardly homo who ruined your life. I’m sure there’s something in the bible about the inane judging the stupid and I bet it ends in apocalypse.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Gwyneth Paltrow Introduces Her Readers to Great Sex

By Lex December 19, 2014 @ 11:03 AM

Gwyneth Paltrow Gives Her Goop Readers In An Intro To Tantra
Gwyneth Paltrow seems like the perfect woman to be instructing other women on the glory of sexual exploration. I wouldn’t read to much into her henpecking Gay Beethoven until he fled in the middle of the night with his travel piano. She could’ve been legs akimbo in the sex swing every afternoon and all he was inspired to do was write a song about a medical book he read as a child. Gwyneth isn’t going to let that happen to her high-end frigid Goop clients. She launched a special feature digging into the world of Tantra, which is the Indian word for long, slow, creepy sex between dudes with ponytails and women who talk a lot about sensual aromas but mostly smell like liverwurst.

I read the article twice and gleaned the fact that married couples get bored with each other very quickly and the sex suffers. This can be cured if the husband orders his wife to get loaded on wine when she gets home, take a bath, and then drowns in the tub and he finds himself a hot young second wife replacement. Also by staring deeply into each other’s eyes. Unless you’re charging money over a live stream, I’ve never seen the need for sex to last longer than a commercial break, maybe a half-time break if it’s her birthday. If women want amazingly grateful and hard working lovers, they should follow the lead of our nation’s high school English teachers and start fucking high school boys who will go down on them for an hour in exchange for buying up beer. You won’t read that advice on Goop, it’s too useful.

Photo Credit: Getty/”Thank You For Sharing” Lionsgate

Gwyneth Paltrow Creates Bra for Angry Women

By Lex December 12, 2014 @ 12:44 PM

Gwyneth Paltrow Now Selling 80 Dollar Bras On Goop
In her quest to make the world a better place for skinny women who find parenting and being pleasant to their husbands rather droll, Gwyneth Paltrow released a line of expensive bras on her Goop website that only fit chicks with small tops who don’t mind paying $100 out the door for a brassiere. In an era when the chic trend is to go without any boob support, the Paltrow bra is specifically designed for women who want to let the world know that just getting to second base is going to be a monster pain in the ass

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Gwyneth Paltrow Says Untrue Things

By Matt November 13, 2014 @ 8:15 AM

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Gwyneth Paltrow says she is proud of her wrinkles and doesn’t care about makeup or her face. This is atypical for someone who is exceptionally vein and obsessed with aesthetics right down to the hand crafted toilet paper holders she hawks. It is particularly outrageous when you realize she endorses several cosmetic products:

“I’m not the type to look in the mirror and study my looks… I don’t tend to wear much make-up either.”

Paltrow wants to pass off a hired stylist and a closet full of designer powders, creams and jellies and back alley kidney surgeon instruments as a natural look. How does a Photoshopped side boob on the cover of Cosmo draw the ire of the women’s lib movement and this shit flies? I don’t see how young women are supposed to measure up to this liar. Everyone hates that dude who works out six hours a day and tells you it’s good genes. Paltrow spends more time on her face than she wants you to know. She may not have implants or any cosmetic surgery she’s disclosing, but that doesn’t mean she can’t hold up an unrealistic standard of beauty and help lead a generation of insecure tweens to drown their image issues in the organic paisley Xanax she will soon be releasing on Goop.

Photo Credit: Instagram