Gwyneth Is Back on the Market And Shit Around The Web

By Michael April 20, 2015 @ 12:00 PM


Gwyneth Paltrow is officially divorced from her ex-husband Chris Martin. You can new age label this shit all you want, when a couple hens with tons of dough call it quits, there’s a ton of legal work to get through. Also, less importantly, less died today. RIP True Love.

Read all about the conscious uncoupling’s finalization. (TMZ)

Vanessa Hudgens shows off her boobage in New York City. (Egotastic)

Stephen Colbert interviews George Lucas aka. the guy who raped your childhood. (Huffington Post)

Kelly Gale looks hotter in Victoria’s Secret lingerie than your girlfriend. (Drunken Stepfather)

Miranda Lambert’s cleavage really is a thing of beauty. (Hollywood Tuna)

Daniela Lopez Osorio in a bikini will make your eyes pop out like a cartoon wolf. (Popoholic)

Do you like girls in sports bras? Well, then it’s your lucky day. (The Chive)

Gwyneth Paltrow On Food Stamps

By Matt April 13, 2015 @ 8:28 AM


Gwyneth Paltrow bought a week’s worth of groceries for $29 as part of the N.Y. Food Bank challenge which ask rich people to pretend to be poor people much like Marie Antoinette did with her friends before the revolution. $29 is what the food stamps now gets you as a family on the dole, not including the carton of Newports and jug wine. I’d presume Paltrow didn’t clear out her pantry first and will be throwing this directly into the garbage after the photo has been taken along with the generic i-Pads she got from schwag on her latest shit box movie.

Proof that Paltrow doesn’t really get it shines bright. If your kid’s on the football team this is a day’s worth of diarrhea. You bought seven limes, you stupid twat. I guess they’re for your kids to suck on once the organic produces runs out on Wednesday. If you were actually doing this there’d be tons of Kraft products which most of us have lived off of for $29 bucks a week in something we called being 18-25 years old. We knew the shiny produce section was not for us. If you’re going to counter with that being unhealthy neither is starving or sticking up tourists outside the Jack in the Box. Paltrow just used a week’s worth of food stamps to make a healthy Mexi-salad for four. People hate you. Go home to your real food.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Gwyneth’s Steamy Vag And Shit Around The Web

By Michael January 29, 2015 @ 12:00 PM


Goop goddess Gwyneth Paltrow is recommending her readers steam their vaginas. Apparently, Gwyneth shoots scented steam up her love tunnel like an 1800′s locomotive. Doctors and sane people don’t think you should do this. Lesbians remain cautiously neutral.

Read all about Gwyneth’s steamed clam. (The Superficial)

Alessandra Ambrosio poses in a bikini like it’s her job. Oh wait, it is. (Egotastic)

Ever wonder what a pair of triple M tits look like? Well, you’re in luck. (TMZ)

Shantel VanSanten’s bikini body in Maxim is super special and by special I mean faptastic. (Huffington Post)

Yara Khmidan shows us how a pro wears a bikini for San Lorenzo swimwear. (Drunken Stepfather)

Selena Gomez is playing out my fantasy where she’s a hitchhiker and I’m a horny trucker. (Popoholic)

Johnny Depp admits Mortdecai sucked donkey balls and that he’s become the drag queen version of himself. (Dlisted)

Gwyneth Paltrow Scaring People

By Lex January 22, 2015 @ 11:08 AM

Olivia Munn Seems Scared Of Gwyneth Paltrow
When Gwyneth Paltrow approaches, you can count on two things. First, she’s going to tell you that you look amazing but you’ll quickly realize she’s really talking about herself. Second, she’s going to reluctantly share a crazy sex thing she’s into and you’re going to be forced to pretend it’s true. Paltrow’s public relations teams enacted Plan 9 for Gwyneth Paltrow when she and Gay Beethoven split up. Women with reputations for being cold don’t do well image wise when their man leaves them. The standard plan calls for (1) insisting you’re good buddies with your ex, (2) dropping dating rumors involving handsome co-stars, and (3) leaking as many crazy sex stories into the fatty gossip sphere. I don’t know if it works. I know Gwyneth Paltrow won’t stop talking about her sexual adventures. She went on Ellen and admitted she’s a member of the Mile High Club. She seems kinky. I wish she were my girlfriend. Let’s go see her movie, twice.

Photo Credit: Getty/Splash/FameFlynet/INF

Gwyneth Paltrow Camel Toe Will Make You Love Her

By Lex January 15, 2015 @ 10:47 AM

Gwyneth Paltrow Camel Toe In Nude One Piece Jumpsuit On Jimmy Fallon
Gwyneth Paltrow has been making the rounds on talk shows doing her “I’m just one of the guys” shtick where she pretends she could easily be your weekend hang out buddy. She told Howard Stern that wives should give their husbands more blowjobs, she told some chick media outlet how she loves cooking meals for the kids with Jennifer Garner, and then she went on the Tonight Show to flash her vagina cleft and get goofy with Jimmy Fallon. Wow, the perfect woman. Kind of like that perfect sushi you see in the display window that tastes like laminate and need to be carved out of your colon should you be fucked up enough to consume it. I suppose it sucks to know that the entire world minus your awesome amazing supportive gal pals don’t think you’re a very nice person. Although it’s never bothered me enough to flash my reproductive parts to the nation.

Photo Credit: Getty

Gwyneth Paltrow Was a Victim

By Lex January 02, 2015 @ 11:17 AM

Gwyneth Paltrow Shows Some Skin For Harper's Bazaar UK

Gwyneth Paltrow interviews inevitably boil down to her trying to sound profound while discussing how nobody gives her the shit she wants. It’s like listening to a four year old channeling Aristotle during a tantrum because the Winnebago Barbie is out of stock. To perceive is to suffer… I want Barbie! On discussing her unconscious coupling from Gay Beethoven:

“I had built my life on trying to be all things to all people, and I just couldn’t do it anymore, and I really had the sense that I wasn’t allowed to have needs, and I had to prove my specialness or self-worth by doing all this stuff and taking care of everybody else, and I just sort of hit a wall.”

I don’t have a clue what that means but I’ll just assume she wants to be a super bitchy and still get laid while being told she’s beautiful. That’s a gift you may not receive from your husband who never got over his boarding school boy crushes. Paltrow says she and Chris Martin only now have the relationship they were meant to have. Which is, she can drop the kids off for a couple weeks while she experiments with tantric sex in picturesque villa getaway in Morocco, only $7,900 if you book through Goop. Let’s ignore her and hope she stays in her room.

Photo Credit: Harper’s Bazaar UK