The conspiracy theorists are freaking out this week with the convening of the Bilderberg group near London. The Bilderberg is some highly secretive private meeting of bankers and CEOs and politicians from the U.S. and Western European nations presumably putting forth complex strategies to save the world. Kind of like Marvel’s SHIELD except that they’re mostly fucking with the price of bulgur in Turkey and deciding the acceptable hedge heights for gated community homes in Orange County. I’m pretty sure this whole Bilderberg new world order nonsense is just a diversion from the real heinous event taking place just a few miles away where Taylor Swift was spotted leaving the home of Gwyneth Paltrow over the weekend. When I think of these two world class life-force drainers spending a couple hours in private conspiring to divide the world up into men they would hate fuck and men they would just hate, I shudder. And I do not shudder lightly. We can survive a bunch of cigar munching fat cats causing shortages in the world circuit board markets to make themselves thirty billion dollars richer. But if the men of this world are turned into foppish rounds of soggy cheese like Gwyneth’s husband, Gay Beethoven, we are doomed as a species. Ghost Protocol. Engage.
Guess whose dad died from cancer a full five years before Angelina Jolie’s mom did? That’s right. Gwyneth Paltrow’s. But you wouldn’t know it because Gwyneth keeps her personal pain to herself. She only lets it out for tier two magazine feature articles and above. Trumped by the outpouring of sympathy to Angelina Jolie who cut off her boobs because her mom died of cancer, Gwyneth Paltrow wasted no time in penning a cookbook dedicated to her own cancer dead dad. In the book, Gwyneth says you need to cut all glutens and dairy out of your diet to avoid the Big C. Also, you need to find shucking corn more thrilling than a Thanksgiving pilgrim. If this recipe for attention doesn’t push Gwyneth higher in Google Trends than Angelina, expect her to announce that her husband Gay Beethoven has The AIDS. It’s the next obvious move.
EPIC Trip for Two with Private goop Event and Gwyneth Paltrow Meet n’ Greet – New York City
You and a friend are invited to the private goop event, which begins at 6 p.m. on Friday, June 14. You can munch on appetizers and sip cocktails before goop editor-in-chief Gwyneth Paltrow gives a cooking demonstration. You’ll leave with a signed cookbook.
Meeting Gwyneth Paltrow has to be most everybody’s dream. Seeing her giving a live cooking demonstration, wow, just wow. And you can do so, or could’ve done so until just moments ago, on Groupon. But is it worth two thousand clams? Yeah, not exactly. For $2K, you also get roundtrip airfare for two to N.Y, two nights hotel, restaurants, spa treatments and blah blah blah other shit. About $2K worth of other shit. So, technically, the meet and greet with Gwyneth is a throw-in. A gift with purchase. It’s the urine contaminated free mint as you leave The Sizzler. I’d expect Gwyneth to take this news well. She might even give a ten second warning before she douses the room with ligher fluid and sends everybody to Hell in a burning symbol of her quiet rage.
I don’t claim to be the master of much. Not a chess master or a Zen master, I haven’t even come close to mastering English and it’s my only language. But I had thought I was a master when it came to all things fucked up and annoying about Gwneth Paltrow, the world’s most beautiful woman. Not to be confused with Miley Cyrus, the world’s sexiest woman according to what used to be Maxim. But I did not know that Gwyneth and her husband, Gay Beethoven, never appear together in photographs. Probably for no good reason, right? Wrong!
It doesn’t behoove us to be a public couple. He certainly doesn’t want that. We’ve never ever walked down a red carpet together, we never will. — Dear Gwyneth
I can’t believe there was a completely obnoxious, high-maintenance aspect to Gwyneth Paltrow that I did not know about. She’s like an onion.
“I’m a very grounded, homey person and Chris is a very mad scientist, genius songwriter. So I never say, ‘Where are you? You should be home by now.’ I never place demands on him because I think he’s a really talented man and he’s putting something good into the world.” — Gweyneth Paltrow
Wow, that sounds like such a big fat lie from a lying liar who likes to lie a lot. Then again, Gwyneth Paltrow is not your average person. She’s better. Mirrors stretch just to catch her reflection. The soap bubbles actually sing to her in the shower. Babies, well, babies fucking hate her. But she’s still very special. Also, she’s obviously never heard Coldplay before.
This is the photo spread People magazine got for inventing the World’s Most Beautiful Woman title and handing it out to Gwyneth Paltrow. After Katy Perry got divorced People ran a big spread calling her the Happiest She’s Ever Been, while Katy looked sullen, acne-flared, and like the hallucinogenics just ran out at multi day rave with forty-seven hours left to go. Gwyneth’s's kind of a pretty woman, but not pretty enough that you wouldn’t toss her out of your moving vehicle less than an hour into a road trip with the wildly smug control freak.
Photo Credit: People Magazine