By Lex November 06, 2014 @ 1:42 PM
I hate partisan politics with a passion. It routinely involves men engaging in bitchy pointless debates without any self-awareness of how much you sound like girls fighting with their mom over what they’re allowed to wear to school. After you tell me how great the Democratic Party is, or the Republican Party is, why don’t you take a dump in a chocolate cake and charge me extra for the pudding center.
Here in Los Angeles, the single largest bastion of self-described progressives in the country, they are fucking reeling over the Tuesday election results. It’s like everybody is four years old and somebody popped their fucking circus balloon. The long moping faces is something on the proportion of Sadie Hawkins day at Smith College. Everybody looks freaking miserable. From the partisan yucks who paid $35K to watch Gwyneth Paltrow virtually fellate the Handsomest President Ever to the chicks who get aroused over late term abortions, the farbissineh punims about town could turn every box of soy milk in this city.
Buck up, Los Angeles. Circle around Ellen’s pant suit four times and think happy thoughts about how grateful the poor people will be when you can start giving them your scraps again.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 12:37 PM
Gwyneth Paltrow wants everyone to know she can turn the world on with just one smile. Six months or so ago, she just wanted to let everyone know she could kill you with just one phone call. How one unconscious coupling can change even the most pretentious woman. Especially when the media is saturated solely with news of Gay Beethoven and his semi-erect shtupping of Jennifer Lawrence. The Wicked Witch doesn’t mind being called wicked, she just can’t abide not being talked about at all.
Gwyneth Paltrow is everywhere. She’s gushing on talk shows, penning Obama fantasy fiction, and showing off her more human side she had a team of market researchers outline for her on Powerpoint. Gwyneth even let someone film her doing group aerobics while laughing like a schoolgirl on camera. Where is our mega-bitch and what have you done with her?
When the holidays come around, expect to see Gwyneth ‘caught’ on camera ladling out soup at the homeless shelters and helping random parents afford organic moisturizing hand lotion for their children. Operation Make Gwyneth Slightly Less Hated, engage!
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex October 10, 2014 @ 12:05 PM
Not many people can throw a party that shuts down an entire metropolis. By force. By all accounts, Gwyneth Paltrow’s super gluten free soiree fundraiser for President Obama was a smashing success. Gwyneth got the chance to look wicked important in front of her politically automated Hollywood peers while virtually fellating the Commander in Chief like she was an excited teen applying for a job at the coolest bike shop in town.
“You’re so handsome I can hardly speak”.
Yep, she actually said that. Along with seventeen other blathered girly platitudes. Gwyneth saved room for creampie dessert by mentioning how super awesome wonderful Obama was in working toward eliminating the gender pay gap, especially for working moms like herself. It is rather ridiculous that she only earned seven million for the last Iron Man 3 while her cast mate and chief villain Guy Pearce made one million. Wait, which is more again? Either way, one of the seven nannies needs to pack her shit and go.
I’m not sure how much organic goat’s milk cheese you can consume to earn out your $25,000 party entry free, but a commemorative photo with the bestest President ever and the chance to sneak off and smell Gwyneth’s superior Moroccan bed sheets can’t be calculated in dollars. I would be kind of pissed when they switched to cash bar after 9pm.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex October 09, 2014 @ 1:48 PM
Right about the time L.A. traffic gets super fucking horrible today, President Obama is going to make it truly memorably by hitting up the Gwyneth Paltrow Goop House West to discuss matters related to ISIS, the prevailing long term bond rates, and any possible Danish salves that might help his lady be more ready for him without the need for foreplay. I can’t imagine a place I’d rather be than a get together with Barack and Gwyneth and one hundred of their self-satisfied and decked out friends racing to slap Ben Affleck on the back for defending killer Muslims from being labeled as killer Muslims. That is if Jennifer Garner allows the contact.
I’d never suggest anything bad happen to the President of the United States. It’s illegal to even think about stuff like that. They will Minority Report your ass right down to Guantanamo. Same thing goes for Gwyneth Paltrow who has been designated a national landmark or treasure or ex-patriot whiny halibut or something like that. Gwyneth has been trying desperately to be in the news since she uncoupled with her husband and he started coupling with that hot topless chick from all those 4Chan photos. I wish all of them nothing but a wonderful evening. At the same time, if I send over a horribly feverish recent immigrant from Sierra Leone with flowers for the party, please let him in to use the toilet.
By Jack September 26, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Gwyneth Paltrow wants you to know she’s not even all that close to perfect. She may seem arrogant and act holier-than-thou and speak in a tone that seems patronizing if not completely dismissive, but she’s just one us.
Read all about how Gwyneth Paltrow is a common woman (Dlisted)
Do yourself a favor and look at these topless pics of Daisy Lowe. (Drunken Stepfather)
Snooki shat out a baby and another future spreader of chlamydia.(Huffington Post)
Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant with bastard baby number three and showing off. (TMZ)
Vanessa Hudgens has an entire caravan of camel toe in her pants. (Hollywood Tuna)
Emily Ratajkowski wears panties and nothing else for Calvin Klein. (COED)
Surprise! Hollywood is sexist about superheroes. (Movie Pilot)
By Matt September 24, 2014 @ 6:09 AM
Gwyneth Paltrow still has her husband pussy whipped even though he’s getting hotter younger celebrity photo hacked pussy. Anonymous sources, who would have to be Paltrow’s upstairs gimp given the intimate knowledge, claims Paltrow drew up a schedule for Chris Martin detailing when he is compelled to show up and mope around their former marital home. Paltrow wants to make sure her kids get plenty of normal family time with both of her parents and photographs of the two of them sharing in parenting work to show at their kids’ future minors emancipation trial. Paltrow’s current maternal duties include watching Sámi caretakers on Skype administering wheat grass IVs to her children and trying to find pictures of the kids where they don’t look like sickly demonic toe-heads. Martin hasn’t completely lost his zeal for submissive punishment so he’ll likely keep to his prescribed visitation schedule. Though at some point he is going to start bringing Jennifer Lawrence around with him. This despite the double asterisk note at the bottom of the Goop emails insisting he never bring his cheap blonde whore or he’ll be put in the punishment chair.
Photo Credit: Getty Images