By Lex October 02, 2013 @ 1:35 PM
Gwyneth Paltrow reveals in a recent interview that her husband Gay Beethoven is pretty relaxed about her naked sex scenes. Probably mostly because she’s never actually naked and she’s not at all close to having sex. I mean at home. Onscreen she does get a bit more wild. That’s the difference between getting paid $2 million to take her bra off for Hugo Boss and facing an evening of boner-draining sadness from the frontman for Coldplay.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex September 27, 2013 @ 3:58 PM
As part of her pretense to being an understand wife in promotional support of her new film on sex addiction, Gwyneth Paltrow says she could accept some wandering by her husband. She would also not rule out romantic relationship with a sex addict.
‘No couple is the same, and as such, every couple takes on different challenges. I would like to think that I would be forgiving and/or forgiven, but I can’t give an honest answer as I haven’t really experienced that.”
Yeah, um — it’s a trap. Listen up, Gay Beethoven. If Gwyneth catches you sobbing as you lay your semi-erect male member into another woman, she’s going to make your life so fucking miserable. Ironically, it’ll be like living in a Coldplay song. You think that puritanical piece of absorbent facial tissue is going to accept your ‘sex addiction’ excuse for banging a woman with any actual pigment in her skin? Good luck with that, Prancing Schroeder. Your testicles will be bobbing in a bio-degradable designer cup available exclusively on GOOP.
By Lex August 14, 2013 @ 2:50 PM
Nothing says unpretentious fun like Author Night in The Hamptons. Especially when Gwyneth Paltrow shows up with her freaky-eyed Children of the Corn, her husband, Gay Beethoven, and an entourage of body guards and publicists and takes over the entire event. Gwyneth’s massive media presence pissed off her fellow authors who were forced to play second fiddle to the ex-pat and her cliche cookbook.
Since she arrived on the late side I had a chance to make some sales to new and repeat customers. Then the divinity in question arrived with hubby, children and a couple of massive bodyguards. The worshipers blocked my view of the whole world, abusing my tiny territory upon which to abandon their trash…” — Christina Oxenberg, another pompous author at the event trying to sound smart.
Somebody should mark this day down as the moment even the snooty literati turned their backs on Gwyneth. Now, she has nowhere left to turn, except to herself, which will only make her stronger.
Photo Credit: Getty, WENN
By Travis June 27, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
Mark Ruffalo is addicted to sex. Gwyneth Paltrow is some girl who wants to have sex with him. Josh Gad is fat and quirky. P!nk is there, too, and she’s pretty horny. That’s basically everything you need to know about Thanks for Sharing from its new trailer.
Well, except that at around the 1:16 mark, Gwyenth becomes more likable than she has been in years. For just a few seconds, we can forget that she’s cluelessly out of touch with reality and watch her wiggle in some black lingerie. But then it ends and we remember that she wants us to spend $140 on her stupid scarf.
By Lex June 10, 2013 @ 10:33 AM
The conspiracy theorists are freaking out this week with the convening of the Bilderberg group near London. The Bilderberg is some highly secretive private meeting of bankers and CEOs and politicians from the U.S. and Western European nations presumably putting forth complex strategies to save the world. Kind of like Marvel’s SHIELD except that they’re mostly fucking with the price of bulgur in Turkey and deciding the acceptable hedge heights for gated community homes in Orange County. I’m pretty sure this whole Bilderberg new world order nonsense is just a diversion from the real heinous event taking place just a few miles away where Taylor Swift was spotted leaving the home of Gwyneth Paltrow over the weekend. When I think of these two world class life-force drainers spending a couple hours in private conspiring to divide the world up into men they would hate fuck and men they would just hate, I shudder. And I do not shudder lightly. We can survive a bunch of cigar munching fat cats causing shortages in the world circuit board markets to make themselves thirty billion dollars richer. But if the men of this world are turned into foppish rounds of soggy cheese like Gwyneth’s husband, Gay Beethoven, we are doomed as a species. Ghost Protocol. Engage.
By Lex May 20, 2013 @ 9:45 AM
Guess whose dad died from cancer a full five years before Angelina Jolie’s mom did? That’s right. Gwyneth Paltrow’s. But you wouldn’t know it because Gwyneth keeps her personal pain to herself. She only lets it out for tier two magazine feature articles and above. Trumped by the outpouring of sympathy to Angelina Jolie who cut off her boobs because her mom died of cancer, Gwyneth Paltrow wasted no time in penning a cookbook dedicated to her own cancer dead dad. In the book, Gwyneth says you need to cut all glutens and dairy out of your diet to avoid the Big C. Also, you need to find shucking corn more thrilling than a Thanksgiving pilgrim. If this recipe for attention doesn’t push Gwyneth higher in Google Trends than Angelina, expect her to announce that her husband Gay Beethoven has The AIDS. It’s the next obvious move.