Gwyneth Paltrow tweeted about Kanye and Jay Z in Paris

By brendon June 04, 2012 @ 4:15 PM

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Kanye West and Jay Z brought their ‘Watch the Throne’ tour to Paris over the weekend, a city fancy enough to attract their friend Gwyneth Paltrow, and since subtly isn’t really their thing, they performed ‘Niggas in Paris’ 11 times. And at some point, Paltrow made note of this.

Keeping in mind that Gwyneth Paltrow is an idiot, that probably took a while, like Homer hearing “Dental plan!” “Lisa needs braces.” in his head over and over. Except in this case it was Paltrow with a blank look on her face hearing the voices of a doorman and Jay Z.

“Bonjour, madame!”
“Got my niggas in Paris.”
“Bonjour, madame!”
“Got my niggas in Paris.”
“Bonjour, madame!”
“Got my niggas in Paris.”

Until eventually Paltrow gasped out loud and quickly fumbled for her phone to share her astounding tweet-worthy observation.

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oh f*ck you Gwyneth Paltrow

By brendon May 14, 2012 @ 2:04 PM

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Rashida Jones posted this picture of Gwyneth Paltrow on her twitter, with the caption, “At callbacks for Cats: The Movie”, and if Gwyneth Paltrow ever wants someone to make her face turn blue again, I’d like to volunteer. Believe you me, that can be arranged.

Gwyneth Paltrow has some sexy Valentine’s advice

By brendon February 10, 2012 @ 7:38 PM

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Gwyneth Paltrow loves giving advice, especially to people who never asked for it, and so in honor of Valentines Day, she’s written this weeks Goop newsletter specifically for them.

“This week’s newsletter is not for you. It’s for your other half. We’re giving them some tips and tricks on how to please you not just on this holiday, but every day. So, print, cut below on the dotted line and leave it somewhere they can easily find.”

So, yes, as you probably assumed, Gwyneth’s idea of romance is for a guy to follow the list of instructions she gave him.

7AM or before they wake up:
“Surprise them by pre-loading a playlist onto their Ipod with whatever songs are significant to you two. You’ll be on their mind throughout their morning run, commute, etc.”

Yes, she will. He’ll be thinking, “Why was that bitch going through my phone.”

8AM or before they rise:

Fail-Proof Breakfast in Bed (in 5 Minutes or Less).

Here she suggests making a yogurt parfait or a goat and cheddar cheese omelette. Personally I would wait about 72 hours before having sex with a girl who just ate 5 pounds of dairy, but I’m sort of a prude.

11AM
“Set an alarm on their phone to go off at this time that tells them to check their pocket (where) you have placed either a love note, tickets to a play/movie/event that evening, a gift card to their favorite store, or an address and time of where and when they should meet you for a surprise evening activity of your choice.”

Keep in mind that this tip, where your girlfriend knows to check for further instructions when she hears an alarm, only works if your girlfriend is Jason Bourne.

3PM: Flowers
Here’s a very simple project that goes a little beyond the typical bouquet.
1. Draw 6 – 12 hearts about 2 inches wide on sheets of colored construction paper. Cut out the hearts and make a ½ inch slit on the side of each heart where you can slide a string through. Write a message on the hearts – maybe all the things you love about them, or an invitation to dinner at home. 



I’m not sure how to tell you this ladies, but if you’re boyfriend is sending romantic notes written on construction paper, he’s probably a child molester.

Billy Baldwin has to fly coach

By brendon January 04, 2012 @ 3:26 PM

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I’m mean spirited and petty, so I squealed with delight to see Billy Baldwin flying coach on an Alaska Airlines flight to Idaho. It makes me feel better about myself when a famous person can’t afford to fly first class. I bet Gwyneth Paltrow would be surprised to see that they even have seats back there. If you asked her to describe coach she would probably say people sit on old wooden benches, and there’s goats and chickens walking around and hay on the floor and oars sticking out of the side of the plane, and it gets real windy when they put the landing gear down. Gwyneth Paltrow is an elitist cunt, is my point.

Anyway, Baldwin sat back there and read political cartoons in the LA Times, which perfectly fits the perception I have when it comes to where actors get their information about politics.

(image source = inf)

Gwyneth Paltrow wore this to the Emmys

By brendon September 19, 2011 @ 1:31 PM

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It seems impossible but Gwyneth Paltrow might have worn the sexiest outfit at the Emmys last night. Which is ironic because if you leered at her backstage and called her “honey” or something like that she would have no doubt gotten all cunty about it. Don’t roll your eyes at me jackass. You’re the one who dressed like a slut. For once in your life be reasonable.

(image source = getty)

Gwyneth Paltrow respects adulterers

By brendon September 07, 2011 @ 12:28 PM

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Gwyneth Paltrow has been married to Chris Martin for seven years, but during a press junket for ‘Contagion’ she told the Daily Mail he shouldn’t hold his breath in regards to that whole fidelity thing.

“I am a great romantic…”

Who else is surprised that she started this by paying herself a compliment? I know I sure was.

“…but I also think you can be a romantic and a realist.”

romantic
ro·man·tic  (adj.)
– Imaginative but impractical.
– Not based on fact; imaginary or fictitious.

“I also think you can be honest but steal a bunch of shit.”

“Life is complicated and long and I know people that I respect and admire and look up to who have had extra-marital affairs. It’s like we’re flawed – we’re human beings and sometimes you make choices that other people are going to judge.”

“If something is hard, like keeping a promise to your husband in the face of temptation, it’s probably impossible and not worth trying. My whole life has been handed to me by the way. Not sure if those two things are related.”

“That’s their problem but I think that the more I live my life, the more I learn not to judge people for what they do.”

Oh good because I’d really like to punch you in the face one day. C’est la vie, Gwyn!