Gwyneth Paltrow Is Deeply Amazing

By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 11:01 AM


When word got out that Chris Martin was dating Jennifer Lawrence, Gwyneth Paltrow and her rapid response team of semi-psychotic public relations yentas leapt into action. There was a explosive dispersement of stories to the major magazines about how Gwyneth was being courted by one of the dudes who created Glee. In fact, it was suggested, maybe the pair had been canoodling for some time. In your face, Gay Beethoven. As if Gwyneth couldn’t instantly replace you with another effeminate creative genius who hates himself enough to date you.

Part two of the public reputation saving plan launched this week as Gwyneth’s circle of celebrity minor friends like Jessica Seinfeld suddenly began Tweeting about what an amazing person she is.

I have never met anyone with more true and loyal best friends than this baby girl. She is deeply and intensely loved by her friends. I hope each of you has someone in your life that is a wise and steady North Star like this one is to so many.

There were a bunch of smiley face and fireworks and glittery emoticons in the quote as well I can’t reproduce because I’m using WordPress and I’m not an eleven year old girl . If any of my friends ever sent me firework emoticons, I’d inform them we were no longer bunking head to foot at Burning Man. But I’m not deeply and intensely loved as Gwyneth Paltrow, the North Star of friends.

It used to be you had to circumnavigate the globe in a creaky clipper ship to earn such an impressive nickname. Now recommending an earth-friendly conditioner and sending autographed photos of yourself to your friends for their birthdays will do. If Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence get engaged, expect to see Gwyneth receiving a medal from Obama in the Rose Garden for having flawless skin. She’s not being one-upped again.

Photo credit: Jessica Seinfeld/Instagram

Gwyneth Paltrow Needs to Stop With the Metaphors

By Lex May 29, 2014 @ 5:22 PM


I think we’re now down to women who want giveaway shit on her website in terms of people who don’t want to let Gwyneth Paltrow reprise Jean Claude Van Damme in Hard Target, hunted for sport in a city with great movie production tax incentives. A couple months ago Gwyneth stoked up a fire of pure estrogen when she mentioned how moms with 9 to 5 jobs have it so much easier than Hollywood actresses who’s shooting schedules often run longer and less regularly scheduled. Scores of frazzled working moms encircled Gwyeth’s carbon neutral palace hoisting their Boston Market meatloaf-to-go dinners and demanded her head. Not content with pissing off only the most emotionally volatile demographic, Gwyneth took a crack at comparing mean online comments she receives to the horrific experience of real war:

You come across online comments about yourself and about your friends, and it’s a very dehumanizing thing. It’s almost like, how in war, you go through this bloody dehumanizing thing and then something is defined out of it.

If war is the answer, what is the question, Gwyneth? Sorry, I read that on the bumper sticker on the back of your Range Rover. As you might expect, the angry working moms tagged real war-experienced soldiers to climb to the top turnbuckle and  body slam Gwyneth’s infantile use of metaphors. Guys like Green Beret Bryan Sikes, who even if he is a bit cliche in his attack on spoiled celebrities has such big arms and big fucking guns that I really regret I even used the word cliche now:

You said, “Its almost like, how in war, you go through this bloody dehumanizing thing and then something is defined out of it.” I could see how you, and others like you in “the biz”, could be so insecure and mentally weak that you could pair the difficulty of your life on twitter to my brothers who have had their limbs ripped off and seen their friends shot, blown up, burned and disfigured, or wake up every morning in pain – while just starting the day is a challenge.

You know what is really “dehumanizing”, Miss Paltrow? The fact that you’d even consider that your life as an “A-list” celebrity reading internet comments could even compare to war and what is endured on the battlefield. You and the other “A-listers” that think like you are laughable. You all have actually convinced yourselves that you in some way face difficulty on a regular basis

What Bryan doesn’t realize is that Gwyneth scanned his angry letter and only came away with ‘I’m an A-Lister!’. She’s now shipping six boxes of Goop lavender rejuvenating hand lotion to the troops in Afghanistan and waiting for Shinseki to award her a fast pass for service at any VA hospital of her choosing. Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome. Gwyneth is good to go.

(Thanks to and Sanford for this encouraging story.)

Holy Shit, Chris Martin Fed His Kids Fast Food

By Travis May 23, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Chris Martin is probably just being nice

Knowing Gwyneth Paltrow’s reputation as a holier than thou and better than everyone ego freak, who wouldn’t dare eat anything that wasn’t prepared by the purified hands of a virgin chef, the idea of Chris Martin letting their kids eat at a fast food restaurant is fucking wonderful. InTouch claims to have spotted the future ex-Mr. Paltrow letting his kids shovel “handfuls of fries into their mouths” at a Reddi Chick in Santa Monica “like they’d never eaten anything so good in their lives.” So obviously Gwyneth found out and is now trying to not only get every child services agency in the world to make sure that her kids never see their father again, but she’s also forcing the world’s greatest scientists to flush their systems at gunpoint, because there’s no way she’ll let Apple and Moses absorb a calorie like common upper or middle class American street trash.

Photo Credit: Getty

Gwyneth Paltrow Has Landed

By Lex May 06, 2014 @ 6:02 PM


If you’ve ever thought to yourself, boy, I’d like to be the most hated person in Hollywood, be past 40 with my husband leaving me because he can’t stand my primary traits of hovering and bitchery, and largely be perceived as a patronizing, arrogant, ex-pat, then goop is the place for you. It’s like Gwyneth Paltrow took a Better Homes and Garden picture perfect dump and you get to dive in with your spoon and become one with her essence. Goop’s all lower case titling is just the tip of the inane consumer felch fest that lies beyond the simple country doorway. It’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s version of Fat Oprah’s Shit I Love phenomenon. A merchandising orgy of handbags, balms, salves, accessories, self-help books, casual wear and candles made from eye of newt that Gwyneth marks up to a fare-thee-well to enhance the orgasmic tremors experienced by the women who shop there. It was formerly just online, but now in pop-up store format in the Brentwood Country Mart. Gwyneth has vowed to return to Los Angeles like the Lord Sith regrouping after temporary setback in battle. The store is only open until this weekend, after which it will self-immolate and an Ed Hardy store will appear miraculously in its place.

Chris Martin Blames Himself, I Think

By Lex April 29, 2014 @ 2:46 PM

Chris Martin has decided to fall on the Unconscious Coupling sword and take the blame for the split between himself and his yoga succubus life partner. Chris did an interview with BBC One to promote his latest compendium of emotionally draining hits, Ghost Stories. The host mostly asked about Gwyneth and the divorce. So Chris spouted a bit of mindless mumbo jumbo about his personal failings then employed some non sequitur logical link back to Ghost Stories.

About two years ago I was a mess really because I can’t enjoy the thing that we are good at and I can’t enjoy the great things around me because I’m burdened by this. I’ve got to not blame anyone else and make some changes.’

Nice use of impersonal pronouns, Gay Beethoven. Could you be a bit more trite. Oh, yes, you can.

If you can’t open yourself up, you can’t appreciate the wonder inside. So you can be with someone very wonderful, but because of your own issues you cannot let that be celebrated in the right way.

It’s hard tot believe people pay to listen to this meandering personal empowerment breakout session set to simple melodies. It’s not that people shouldn’t have the right to listen to Coldplay, it’s just that the rest of us should have the right to punch them in their left testicle when they do.

If you don’t let love really in then you can’t really give it back. So what Ghost Story means to me is like you’ve got to open yourself up to love and if you really do, of course it will be painful at times, but then it will be great at some point.

Yes, I see. How about I buy a dozen copies of your album if you promise not to speak aloud until 2020. Chris Martin went on in his interview to praise Kanye, just to be super clear that Gwyneth wasn’t the only insufferable bitch in this marriage. We ought now gather in the Hague to discuss shooting their offspring into a lunar orbit confinement before they come of age and haunt this planet with the double barreled sullen genetics of Paltrow and Martin. The Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Yeah, I got more.

Gwyneth Paltrow Dumps Her Stalker

By Jack April 23, 2014 @ 1:06 PM

Gwyneth Paltrow slapped a stalker with a restraining order after he managed to get into her house twice. The plucky weirdo, Nickolaos Gavrilis, was able to bullshit his way into both her London and LA homes by saying he had an appointment with her. Really? That’s what it took to get by her security and staff? Let’s send this guy after Putin. The restraining order says that Gavrilis can’t come within 100 yards of Gwyneth, her kids, or her estranged mildly autistic gay husband. It’s unclear if the stalker wanted to ritualistically slaughter Gwyneth and eat her face or simply wanted to ejaculate in her eye cream. Or both. I think perhaps Gwyneth should reconsider this restraining order. Now that she’s getting consciously uncoupled it is going to be harder on her to meet men. Women over forty who are incredibly unlikable have a tough time with the whole dating thing. Here is a guy who loves her unconditionally and is willing to go through a lot to meet her. I think he’s a keeper.