Everyone loves Gwyneth Paltrow

By brendon July 31, 2009 @ 4:18 PM

You and Gwyneth Paltrow probably agree that Gwyneth Paltrow is an amazing woman, but now “corporate America” is on the bandwagon too, and they’re tripping all over themselves to get featured on GOOP, the website that all America is buzzing about. Gwyneth laid down some facts in this interview with People.

GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow’s weekly newsletter is a “big success,” according to Paltrow. “It’s crazy … crazy!” Paltrow said. “I just love it. Corporate America is knocking at my door‘ … Will you hawk my product’?” The answer is clearly no for the star’s very personal project, which even derives its name from her initials G.P.
“It is really just a place to disseminate good information. People are so grateful that it’s free. It’s just nice to share what you have. And I have all this great information. It’s just a gift. People want me to do all this other stuff. But right now, I just really love doing the site.”

Let’s just put our cards on the table: none of those things are happening, no one is glad it’s free, no one wants to be on her condescending website, and everyone hates Gwyneth Paltrow. It’s why she wasn’t on the cover of EW and it’s why she wasn’t part of the “Iron Man” panel at Comic Con (video here).

More importantly, no one wants her stupid advice, because her idea of advice is telling you that Paris is lovely and a $2000 cashmere coat is comfortable. That’s not advice, that’s thinly veiled bragging. It would be like a website about my penis being enormous, and here are some shorts with generous inseams, and here are some good relaxation techniques you can try if for some reason your girlfriend can’t fit an 18-inch cock into her mouth.

Please kill yourself

By brendon July 09, 2009 @ 2:19 PM

There’s a very good reason why Gwyneth Paltrow is widely considered the most annoying person in Hollywood. If you’ve forgotten what that might be, here’s her latest newsletter to ~~talk down to you~~ remind you.

As I write this, I am finishing the amazing three-week-long “Clean” detox program detailed below … I feel pure and happy and much lighter (I dropped the extra pounds that I had gained during a majorly fun and delicious “relax and enjoy life phase” about a month ago).

A “relax and enjoy life phase”? Oh, that’s a good idea. I don’t know why I never thought of that. I need to spend summers in Spain and Paris like you recommend too. I just hope Gwyneth stays with us forever. She’s so wonderful I worry she might transform into a beam of pure radiant energy, with only her loving, omnipotent spirt to smile down on us from above.

Tags: gwyneth paltrow |

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Everyone hates Gwyneth Paltrow

By brendon May 19, 2009 @ 10:46 AM

Actors are without question the worst people on earth. Dumb, lazy, selfish, arrogant, ungrateful, and spoiled beyond belief. This post is about Gwyneth Paltrow. Try and guess if it’s good. The Sun UK says…

The claws are out on the set of Iron Man 2 with stars SCARLETT JOHANSSON and GWYNETH PALTROW going head to head.
Gwynny reckons her on-set rival is hogging the limelight and now sparks are flying between the movie’s two female leads.
“Gwyneth has become very frustrated with Scarlett. They come from different worlds and have completely different styles.”

I do not know how directors do it. Different styles? The Hollywood Walk of Fame has 2 muppets and 3 dogs on it. Meaning Paltrow has the same job as puppets and dogs, and at least 5 of them are as good or better than she is at it. Sounds easy, right?

“Gwyneth has been left exhausted by the politics and a series of strenuous scenes and and is now taking a two-week break from filming.”
Hubby CHRIS MARTIN has lavished her with love and supported her at a dinner with friends in LA.

Please remember that Gwyneth plays a secretary in this movie, and the movie is not called The Secretary Who Climbed a Mountain and Wrestled Bears. It’s Iron Man 2. Her role is to wear glasses that (*SPOILER ALERT*) are actually just clear glass and not prescription and bring in pretend cups of coffee. You can see now why she’s “exhausted”. If she has to read from an imaginary BlackBerry she might literally die.

Tags: gwyneth paltrow |

53 Comments

Everyone hates Gwyneth Paltrow

By brendon May 18, 2009 @ 10:28 AM

Gwyneth Paltrow is an idiot who needs to constantly be told how awesome she is, so is it any surprise she insisted that the director of her new movie judge her tits before filming a nude scene? The Sun UK says…

“Two Lovers” director JAMES GRAY revealed that Gwyn asked him to come to her trailer where she peeled off, to allay worries that having two kids had taken its toll on her.
He said: “Gwyneth told me ‘I don’t care about nudity, I’ll give you everything you need. But I’ve had two children and I just don’t think they look very good any more. Do me a favour, come into my trailer and I’ll show them to you and if you think they look OK I’ll do it.’ So I marched in there and I told her they looked great.”

So are they great or did he just tell her they were great. Sounds like he just told her what she wanted to hear so he could leave. Which is understandable. I’d rather be alone with my foot stuck in rocks at the bottom of the ocean than with Paltrow as she fishes around for compliments.

(uncensored picture here, if you’re into that sort of thing)

Tags: gwyneth paltrow, tits |

105 Comments

God you suck Paltrow

By brendon May 08, 2009 @ 10:06 AM

There’s an auction on eBay (over here) for the Johnsons Clean Water Initiative, and even though she’s balancing doing nothing with doing nothing, Gwyneth Paltrow made time to volunteer someone else to do something. What an angel she is. Don’t be confused by the 5 pictures of Paltrow compared to just one of the person who is actually doing something, rest assured, Paltrow has no further obligation.

Basically you get 90 minutes with trainer Tracy Anderson, 5 additional hours with some other trainer, three workout videos, 40 minutes worth of consultation over the phone, and a $2,500 American Express gift card for travel arrangements.

It says the retail value of all this is $10,000, and it really takes some balls to claim that kind of thing. Let’s just pretend that it somehow makes sense to turn $2500 from your bank into a $2500 gift card on the floor, and let’s pretend the dvd’s cost $150 dollars each, that means these personal training sessions are worth well over $1000 an hour. I find that hard to believe. Especially since this woman is Paltrows business partner, so it probably cost her nothing at all. I don’t have a dictionary on front of me but I’m pretty sure “donate” means “to give”.

Tags: gwyneth paltrow, jackass |

157 Comments

afternoon headlines

By brendon March 23, 2009 @ 12:12 PM

JAMES CAMERON – “Avatar”, his first movie since “Titanic”, could cost more than 300 million dollars, which would pass “Pirates of the Caribbean 3” as the most expensive movie ever made. Yet still a bargain to get a James Cameron 3D sci-fi movie. Not a bargain: Skippy peanut butter. The CouponLady Dianne Laumann says, “They’ve put a big dimple on the bottom.” (source = deadline: hollywood and abc2)

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE – has his own brand of tequila coming out called “901”. A spokesman said, “901 is that time of night when your evening is ending, but your night is just beginning." Now say, “901 is how many cocks I’d like in my mouth”, and see which 901 explanation sounds gayer. (source = sun USA)

SELETA EBANKS – Quintessentially held a party last week for “Valentino: The Last Emperor”. I didn’t know what that was, but now it has a trailer. It sounds gay, so I didn’t watch the trailer, and I still don’t know what it is, other than an excuse to post new party pictures of five star beauty Gwyneth Paltrow and Seleta Ebanks in a tiny skirt. Seleta is so hot, and Gywneth is so ugly. They’re like arch enemies in a comic book they’re so different. (source = apple, splash)