Gwyneth Paltrow has never looked better

By brendon December 05, 2012 @ 7:54 PM

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A lot of people are calling the picture of Gwyneth Paltrow on the cover of InStyle a “photoshop fail” because her face looks kinda distorted, but remember this; Gwyneth Paltrow is kinda ugly.

Gwyneth Paltrow would like to sell you this $185 bikini

By brendon July 16, 2012 @ 4:10 PM

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Normally, Gwyneth Paltrows website Goop is all about giving out advice, because Gwyneth Paltrow is just like you! (note: Gwyneth Paltrow is nothing like you) but now she’s added a store to sell clothes made exclusively for the site.

As a simple working mom, Paltrow knows people need basics, like a white t-shirt, which she calls an “essential wardrobe staple”, and then charges $90 for. Now she’s introducing a simple black bikini that sells for $185.

Of course, you could get a similar bikini from Victorias Secret for $24, but would it have “adjustable tie-strings that help flatter your shape”? NO! Those tie-strings are locked into place. Other bikinis are made from a resin that’s poured into a mold, they’re completely rigid, and any attempt to adjust them to flatter your shape will only embarrass you further.

Gwyneth Paltrow tweeted about Kanye and Jay Z in Paris

By brendon June 04, 2012 @ 4:15 PM

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Kanye West and Jay Z brought their ‘Watch the Throne’ tour to Paris over the weekend, a city fancy enough to attract their friend Gwyneth Paltrow, and since subtly isn’t really their thing, they performed ‘Niggas in Paris’ 11 times. And at some point, Paltrow made note of this.

Keeping in mind that Gwyneth Paltrow is an idiot, that probably took a while, like Homer hearing “Dental plan!” “Lisa needs braces.” in his head over and over. Except in this case it was Paltrow with a blank look on her face hearing the voices of a doorman and Jay Z.

“Bonjour, madame!”
“Got my niggas in Paris.”
“Bonjour, madame!”
“Got my niggas in Paris.”
“Bonjour, madame!”
“Got my niggas in Paris.”

Until eventually Paltrow gasped out loud and quickly fumbled for her phone to share her astounding tweet-worthy observation.

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oh f*ck you Gwyneth Paltrow

By brendon May 14, 2012 @ 2:04 PM

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Rashida Jones posted this picture of Gwyneth Paltrow on her twitter, with the caption, “At callbacks for Cats: The Movie”, and if Gwyneth Paltrow ever wants someone to make her face turn blue again, I’d like to volunteer. Believe you me, that can be arranged.

Gwyneth Paltrow has some sexy Valentine’s advice

By brendon February 10, 2012 @ 7:38 PM

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Gwyneth Paltrow loves giving advice, especially to people who never asked for it, and so in honor of Valentines Day, she’s written this weeks Goop newsletter specifically for them.

“This week’s newsletter is not for you. It’s for your other half. We’re giving them some tips and tricks on how to please you not just on this holiday, but every day. So, print, cut below on the dotted line and leave it somewhere they can easily find.”

So, yes, as you probably assumed, Gwyneth’s idea of romance is for a guy to follow the list of instructions she gave him.

7AM or before they wake up:
“Surprise them by pre-loading a playlist onto their Ipod with whatever songs are significant to you two. You’ll be on their mind throughout their morning run, commute, etc.”

Yes, she will. He’ll be thinking, “Why was that bitch going through my phone.”

8AM or before they rise:?
Fail-Proof Breakfast in Bed (in 5 Minutes or Less).

Here she suggests making a yogurt parfait or a goat and cheddar cheese omelette. Personally I would wait about 72 hours before having sex with a girl who just ate 5 pounds of dairy, but I’m sort of a prude.

11AM
“Set an alarm on their phone to go off at this time that tells them to check their pocket (where) you have placed either a love note, tickets to a play/movie/event that evening, a gift card to their favorite store, or an address and time of where and when they should meet you for a surprise evening activity of your choice.”

Keep in mind that this tip, where your girlfriend knows to check for further instructions when she hears an alarm, only works if your girlfriend is Jason Bourne.

3PM: Flowers
Here’s a very simple project that goes a little beyond the typical bouquet.
1. Draw 6 – 12 hearts about 2 inches wide on sheets of colored construction paper. Cut out the hearts and make a ½ inch slit on the side of each heart where you can slide a string through. Write a message on the hearts – maybe all the things you love about them, or an invitation to dinner at home. ??

I’m not sure how to tell you this ladies, but if you’re boyfriend is sending romantic notes written on construction paper, he’s probably a child molester.

Billy Baldwin has to fly coach

By brendon January 04, 2012 @ 3:26 PM

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I’m mean spirited and petty, so I squealed with delight to see Billy Baldwin flying coach on an Alaska Airlines flight to Idaho. It makes me feel better about myself when a famous person can’t afford to fly first class. I bet Gwyneth Paltrow would be surprised to see that they even have seats back there. If you asked her to describe coach she would probably say people sit on old wooden benches, and there’s goats and chickens walking around and hay on the floor and oars sticking out of the side of the plane, and it gets real windy when they put the landing gear down. Gwyneth Paltrow is an elitist cunt, is my point.

Anyway, Baldwin sat back there and read political cartoons in the LA Times, which perfectly fits the perception I have when it comes to where actors get their information about politics.

(image source = inf)