oh f*ck you Gwyneth Paltrow

By brendon May 14, 2012 @ 2:04 PM

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Rashida Jones posted this picture of Gwyneth Paltrow on her twitter, with the caption, “At callbacks for Cats: The Movie”, and if Gwyneth Paltrow ever wants someone to make her face turn blue again, I’d like to volunteer. Believe you me, that can be arranged.

Gwyneth Paltrow has some sexy Valentine’s advice

By brendon February 10, 2012 @ 7:38 PM

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Gwyneth Paltrow loves giving advice, especially to people who never asked for it, and so in honor of Valentines Day, she’s written this weeks Goop newsletter specifically for them.

“This week’s newsletter is not for you. It’s for your other half. We’re giving them some tips and tricks on how to please you not just on this holiday, but every day. So, print, cut below on the dotted line and leave it somewhere they can easily find.”

So, yes, as you probably assumed, Gwyneth’s idea of romance is for a guy to follow the list of instructions she gave him.

7AM or before they wake up:
“Surprise them by pre-loading a playlist onto their Ipod with whatever songs are significant to you two. You’ll be on their mind throughout their morning run, commute, etc.”

Yes, she will. He’ll be thinking, “Why was that bitch going through my phone.”

8AM or before they rise:?
Fail-Proof Breakfast in Bed (in 5 Minutes or Less).

Here she suggests making a yogurt parfait or a goat and cheddar cheese omelette. Personally I would wait about 72 hours before having sex with a girl who just ate 5 pounds of dairy, but I’m sort of a prude.

11AM
“Set an alarm on their phone to go off at this time that tells them to check their pocket (where) you have placed either a love note, tickets to a play/movie/event that evening, a gift card to their favorite store, or an address and time of where and when they should meet you for a surprise evening activity of your choice.”

Keep in mind that this tip, where your girlfriend knows to check for further instructions when she hears an alarm, only works if your girlfriend is Jason Bourne.

3PM: Flowers
Here’s a very simple project that goes a little beyond the typical bouquet.
1. Draw 6 – 12 hearts about 2 inches wide on sheets of colored construction paper. Cut out the hearts and make a ½ inch slit on the side of each heart where you can slide a string through. Write a message on the hearts – maybe all the things you love about them, or an invitation to dinner at home. ??

I’m not sure how to tell you this ladies, but if you’re boyfriend is sending romantic notes written on construction paper, he’s probably a child molester.

Billy Baldwin has to fly coach

By brendon January 04, 2012 @ 3:26 PM

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I’m mean spirited and petty, so I squealed with delight to see Billy Baldwin flying coach on an Alaska Airlines flight to Idaho. It makes me feel better about myself when a famous person can’t afford to fly first class. I bet Gwyneth Paltrow would be surprised to see that they even have seats back there. If you asked her to describe coach she would probably say people sit on old wooden benches, and there’s goats and chickens walking around and hay on the floor and oars sticking out of the side of the plane, and it gets real windy when they put the landing gear down. Gwyneth Paltrow is an elitist cunt, is my point.

Anyway, Baldwin sat back there and read political cartoons in the LA Times, which perfectly fits the perception I have when it comes to where actors get their information about politics.

(image source = inf)

Gwyneth Paltrow wore this to the Emmys

By brendon September 19, 2011 @ 1:31 PM

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It seems impossible but Gwyneth Paltrow might have worn the sexiest outfit at the Emmys last night. Which is ironic because if you leered at her backstage and called her “honey” or something like that she would have no doubt gotten all cunty about it. Don’t roll your eyes at me jackass. You’re the one who dressed like a slut. For once in your life be reasonable.

(image source = getty)

Gwyneth Paltrow respects adulterers

By brendon September 07, 2011 @ 12:28 PM

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Gwyneth Paltrow has been married to Chris Martin for seven years, but during a press junket for ‘Contagion’ she told the Daily Mail he shouldn’t hold his breath in regards to that whole fidelity thing.

“I am a great romantic…”

Who else is surprised that she started this by paying herself a compliment? I know I sure was.

“…but I also think you can be a romantic and a realist.”

romantic
ro·man·tic  (adj.)
– Imaginative but impractical.
– Not based on fact; imaginary or fictitious.

“I also think you can be honest but steal a bunch of shit.”

“Life is complicated and long and I know people that I respect and admire and look up to who have had extra-marital affairs. It’s like we’re flawed – we’re human beings and sometimes you make choices that other people are going to judge.”

“If something is hard, like keeping a promise to your husband in the face of temptation, it’s probably impossible and not worth trying. My whole life has been handed to me by the way. Not sure if those two things are related.”

“That’s their problem but I think that the more I live my life, the more I learn not to judge people for what they do.”

Oh good because I’d really like to punch you in the face one day. C’est la vie, Gwyn!

this is why everyone hates Gwyneth Paltrow

By brendon August 11, 2011 @ 10:22 PM

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Insufferable elitist cunt Gwyneth Paltrow has a new interview with Elle Decor magazine and they asked her to list a few things that “she can’t live without”. And since she was born to privilege and deserves to surround herself with nothing but the finest in life, she of course lept at the chance to do some more thinly veiled bragging.

1. DeGournay hand painted wallpaper – “I indulged with one wall in my London living room covered in a gorgeous pattern.”

Seriously, the first fucking thing on the list of things she can’t live without is hand painted wallpaper. Tom Hanks or Sandra Bullock would have said, “my wedding photo” or “a drawing from my son”. Gwyneth Paltrow says, “hand painted wallpaper.” It’s hard to find prices for most of her stuff but this apparently starts at $650 per panel and the average cost is thought to be $12,000 per room. And we both know she didn’t get anything average. Who the fuck even knew they made hand painted wallpaper? It’s like there’s some secret world out there filled with secret stores. What do people like this do for things like toilet paper? Is there a snooty version of that too? Does someone make a daily chinchilla fur for each of her bathrooms and cut it into squares? Christ I’m scared to even look into it.

2. Seasonal flowers – “I like single-variety arrangements—peonies, hydrangeas, and white lilies—casually arranged.”

God this is so revealing. She wants the very best but doesn’t want it to look like any effort was involved. Expensive things are just lying around. “It’s just money and there’s plenty of that so who cares.” We’re on number 2 and this is already the least relatable list anyone has ever made about anything.

3. Darren Almond’s photography – “His arresting, large-scale artwork brings a sense of majesty to a room.”

Christies has sold a few of his pictures, ranging from $3,515 to $16,250. Because it’s not like anyone can just go take a fucking picture. And what is she supposed to do, hang pictures of her kids, like some pedophile?

4. Charles Edwards Star Lanterns – “I hung three of these at different levels in the stair hall so that we could pass them on our way up to bed at night.”

Her son is gonna be so gay.

5. Antonio Lupi Baia Tub – “It’s in the middle of my bedroom—perfect for a relaxing wind-down and for bathing the kids.”

So yes, it’s not even her main bathtub. I couldn’t find a price for hers, but this one (number 7) from the same company cost $17,300 (updatea quote from the Lupi showroom in Miami, one of only 2 in the US, says the tub cost $9,731). Why, do you just have a tub from Home Depot? And do you fill it with tap water as if you were washing a pig or do you have a crystal reservoir filled with Evian? Oh. Oh I see. How quaint.

6. Religion bookshelf – “Built-in slots hold holy books—including the Qur’an, Bible, and Tao Te Ching—all at the same level (which is how I like to think about religion).”

Oohh, a shelf that holds things at the same level! How regal! My shelves are all at a 45 degree angle because I wasn’t sophisticated enough to buy one that was flat. (please go look at this bookshelf, by the way. She says “which is how I like to think about religion” as if she has some new take on what the artist was trying to say, when it reality, that’s the entire fucking point of the piece. Her keen observation comes because she understood the very obvious message, yet she’s practically taking credit for the whole thing).

7. Clothbound Penguin Classics – “These gorgeous editions make the books so tempting to pick up, again and again. The ultimate cure for sore muscles.”

So she’ll read, but only in the most pretentious way possible. And I love how she tacks on the part about sore muscles, as if she was on an assembly line all day.

8. YUBZ Retro Handset – “A handset cuts down on cellphone radiation. I use this one for my BlackBerry calls.”

Naturally, hers is bright red. “Look at me commoners, here I am! Now is your chance to bask in my glow! You’re welcome!”