Yesterday as a result of Gwyneth Paltrow going commando at the Iron Man 3 premiere, I pondered what the simultaneously stuck-up and yet self-effacing Gwyneth’s lady bits looked like. I placed my bets on a nicely waxed well kept triangle. I was wrong. Because on Ellen, The World’s Most Beautiful Woman said she “works a 70′s vibe” and was scrambling to find a razor last minute to wear the dress. And then Ellen creamed her pants suit and destroyed her host chair and cut to a commercial break so she could furiously frig herself in her dressing room. Shit gets dramatic when ladies wear no underpants.
Gwyneth Paltrow was recently crowned the World’s Most Beautiful Woman by People Magazine, to which everyone except bored rich housewives who actually shop at goop rolled their eyes and continued to the CVS counter with their condoms and Klonopin prescriptions. At least that’s what I did. That magazine title should be renamed ‘Famous Woman Who’s Decent Looking Who Will Give Us a Big Cover Interview’ considering the honor went to Beyonce last year. The communist manifestos they hand out in front of the remaining vinyl record shops have more integrity than People magazine.
In an attempt to remind the world that she’s a sexy edgy cougar and not just a dried-up crusty MILF bathed in expensive lotions, Paltrow wore a panel dress revealing her lack of underwear to the premiere of Iron Man 3 last night in Hollywood. She’s too wound up to ever show us the goods, we’ll never get a vag shot like when Lindsay and Britney go improper commando, this is about as close as it gets to seeing the World’s Most Beautiful Woman’s clam. What do you imagine it looks like? All bare? No, far too porny for a princess. My guess is a perfectly waxed triangle of hair maintained regularly with wax made from her handmade apiary filled with designer organic bees. Organic bee wax available for sale on goop for just $179.99!
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, FameFlynet, PCN, WENN
Back in the day you had to offer your readers something of journalistic value to be called a magazine. Like Time or The New Yorker or Swank. But now you can kiss the ass of a female celebrity to score a front cover article by naming her the world’s most beautiful woman and pretend it’s for real. The card I got for my 4th birthday from my Nana that says ‘World’s Greatest Grandson’ carries more official weight. It’s not that Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t a reasonably attractive woman, and it’s not that whoever got named we wouldn’t be arguing over, but this is just so obvious. It’s like telling a girl at a bar at 1:30 am that muffin tops are super sexy on a lady. Just get the fuck out.
For her part, Gwyneth Paltrow reminds everyone in People that she’s just a humble gal who wears jeans and t-shirts around the house and let’s on that ‘her family makes her feel beautiful. Wow, Gwyneth. You are the World’s Most Beautiful Woman, Inside and Out.
(P.S. I love that a bunch of you wrote letters to us bitching about this decision. You are right. I’d rather nail Amanda Knox, at least we know she likes to get freaky.)
Gwyneth Paltrow spent New Years Eve on stage with Jay Z (and her husband Chris Martin) at his concert in Brooklyn, and she’s so separated from real life that this will probably become one of her tips. “Take a jet from your house in London (or Paris or Tokyo, wherever your house is) and go on stage with Jay Z.” Holy shit, that’s a great idea Gwyneth, thank you so much. The only reason I didn’t do it this year is because I didn’t think of it.
A lot of people are calling the picture of Gwyneth Paltrow on the cover of InStyle a “photoshop fail” because her face looks kinda distorted, but remember this; Gwyneth Paltrow is kinda ugly.
Normally, Gwyneth Paltrows website Goop is all about giving out advice, because Gwyneth Paltrow is just like you! (note: Gwyneth Paltrow is nothing like you) but now she’s added a store to sell clothes made exclusively for the site.
As a simple working mom, Paltrow knows people need basics, like a white t-shirt, which she calls an “essential wardrobe staple”, and then charges $90 for. Now she’s introducing a simple black bikini that sells for $185.
Of course, you could get a similar bikini from Victorias Secret for $24, but would it have “adjustable tie-strings that help flatter your shape”? NO! Those tie-strings are locked into place. Other bikinis are made from a resin that’s poured into a mold, they’re completely rigid, and any attempt to adjust them to flatter your shape will only embarrass you further.