I don’t claim to be the master of much. Not a chess master or a Zen master, I haven’t even come close to mastering English and it’s my only language. But I had thought I was a master when it came to all things fucked up and annoying about Gwneth Paltrow, the world’s most beautiful woman. Not to be confused with Miley Cyrus, the world’s sexiest woman according to what used to be Maxim. But I did not know that Gwyneth and her husband, Gay Beethoven, never appear together in photographs. Probably for no good reason, right? Wrong!
It doesn’t behoove us to be a public couple. He certainly doesn’t want that. We’ve never ever walked down a red carpet together, we never will. — Dear Gwyneth
I can’t believe there was a completely obnoxious, high-maintenance aspect to Gwyneth Paltrow that I did not know about. She’s like an onion.
“I’m a very grounded, homey person and Chris is a very mad scientist, genius songwriter. So I never say, ‘Where are you? You should be home by now.’ I never place demands on him because I think he’s a really talented man and he’s putting something good into the world.” — Gweyneth Paltrow
Wow, that sounds like such a big fat lie from a lying liar who likes to lie a lot. Then again, Gwyneth Paltrow is not your average person. She’s better. Mirrors stretch just to catch her reflection. The soap bubbles actually sing to her in the shower. Babies, well, babies fucking hate her. But she’s still very special. Also, she’s obviously never heard Coldplay before.
This is the photo spread People magazine got for inventing the World’s Most Beautiful Woman title and handing it out to Gwyneth Paltrow. After Katy Perry got divorced People ran a big spread calling her the Happiest She’s Ever Been, while Katy looked sullen, acne-flared, and like the hallucinogenics just ran out at multi day rave with forty-seven hours left to go. Gwyneth’s's kind of a pretty woman, but not pretty enough that you wouldn’t toss her out of your moving vehicle less than an hour into a road trip with the wildly smug control freak.
Yesterday as a result of Gwyneth Paltrow going commando at the Iron Man 3 premiere, I pondered what the simultaneously stuck-up and yet self-effacing Gwyneth’s lady bits looked like. I placed my bets on a nicely waxed well kept triangle. I was wrong. Because on Ellen, The World’s Most Beautiful Woman said she “works a 70′s vibe” and was scrambling to find a razor last minute to wear the dress. And then Ellen creamed her pants suit and destroyed her host chair and cut to a commercial break so she could furiously frig herself in her dressing room. Shit gets dramatic when ladies wear no underpants.
Gwyneth Paltrow was recently crowned the World’s Most Beautiful Woman by People Magazine, to which everyone except bored rich housewives who actually shop at goop rolled their eyes and continued to the CVS counter with their condoms and Klonopin prescriptions. At least that’s what I did. That magazine title should be renamed ‘Famous Woman Who’s Decent Looking Who Will Give Us a Big Cover Interview’ considering the honor went to Beyonce last year. The communist manifestos they hand out in front of the remaining vinyl record shops have more integrity than People magazine.
In an attempt to remind the world that she’s a sexy edgy cougar and not just a dried-up crusty MILF bathed in expensive lotions, Paltrow wore a panel dress revealing her lack of underwear to the premiere of Iron Man 3 last night in Hollywood. She’s too wound up to ever show us the goods, we’ll never get a vag shot like when Lindsay and Britney go improper commando, this is about as close as it gets to seeing the World’s Most Beautiful Woman’s clam. What do you imagine it looks like? All bare? No, far too porny for a princess. My guess is a perfectly waxed triangle of hair maintained regularly with wax made from her handmade apiary filled with designer organic bees. Organic bee wax available for sale on goop for just $179.99!
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, FameFlynet, PCN, WENN
Back in the day you had to offer your readers something of journalistic value to be called a magazine. Like Time or The New Yorker or Swank. But now you can kiss the ass of a female celebrity to score a front cover article by naming her the world’s most beautiful woman and pretend it’s for real. The card I got for my 4th birthday from my Nana that says ‘World’s Greatest Grandson’ carries more official weight. It’s not that Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t a reasonably attractive woman, and it’s not that whoever got named we wouldn’t be arguing over, but this is just so obvious. It’s like telling a girl at a bar at 1:30 am that muffin tops are super sexy on a lady. Just get the fuck out.
For her part, Gwyneth Paltrow reminds everyone in People that she’s just a humble gal who wears jeans and t-shirts around the house and let’s on that ‘her family makes her feel beautiful. Wow, Gwyneth. You are the World’s Most Beautiful Woman, Inside and Out.
(P.S. I love that a bunch of you wrote letters to us bitching about this decision. You are right. I’d rather nail Amanda Knox, at least we know she likes to get freaky.)