Gwyneth Paltrow in a bikini is sort of ok

By brendon July 11, 2011 @ 10:31 AM

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Gwyneth Paltrow is a completely horrible person, I don’t think anyone has come here today to dispute that, but she looks ok in a bikini considering she’s 38 with two kids. Which is probably the nicest thing I’ll ever say about her.

Here she is with her kids over the weekend in Porto Cervo, Italy, along with Steven Spielberg, whom she also spends every Thanksgiving with because he’s been a friend of her family forever and is even her godfather. He of course also gave her her first role in a movie, playing Wendy in ‘Hook’. So keep this in mind the next time you hear Paltrow telling you how hard she’s had to work to get where she is in life. She was born into an incredibly rich family, the daughter of a very successful actress and a very successful producer, then handed every opportunity to succeed at a very easy job that made her even more rich. And instead of being grateful for this, she pretends like it never happened and lectures everyone about why they’re not as wonderful as she is. As God as my witness, if I was ever alone with her in an elevator, there’s at least a 5 percent chance I would punch her in the face.

(image source = fame)

Monday headlines, with Michelle Hunziker in a bikini

By brendon May 23, 2011 @ 4:59 PM

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TREE OF LIFE – won the equivalent of Best Picture at the Cannes Fim Festival this weekend, but experts don’t think that will help much at the box office. But how can that be? Everyone loves the French. If those socialist pussies liked the movie, it should do great here in America. (la times)

KIRSTEN DUNST – was the winner of the Best Actress award at Cannes for her work in ‘Melancholia’. As you now know, Cannes selects winners by randomly choosing a name out of a hat. (ew)

GWYENETH PALTROW – was supposed to be all set to sign a record deal with Atlantic six weeks ago, but talks have stalled, perhaps because she wanted too much money upfront ($1M). Wait, Paltrow is being an unreasonable pain in the ass? Well this is the fist I’ve heard of anything like that. (ny post)

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 4 – made $90M in its opening weekend, which means there will no doubt be a number 5. If it stars Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz again, they should call it ‘Voyage of the Mumblers’. (mojo)

MICHELLE HUNZIKER – is a Swiss model, and this weekend she was on the beach in Italy. That’s her in the purple bikini, in case you weren’t putting the pieces together yet. (splash news)

Thursday headlines, with the voluptuous Gwyneth Paltrow

By brendon May 12, 2011 @ 4:17 PM

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TOM SIZEMORE – has been questioned by the LAPD about the disappearance of a 25-year-old girl named Megan Wren. Police think Sizemore might know something because he was friends with the girl, perhaps her boyfriend, and also because he’s genuinely crazy. Really, they should question him anytime anyone goes missing, whether he knew them or not. (e!, lapd missing persons blog)

CHELSEA HANDLER – made a seemingly harmless joke about Kirstie Alley being fat, and that’s apparently mean, despite the fact that Kirstie Alley is really fat. Are we all supposed to pretend like she isn’t? Screw that, she’s a monster. If she died today I wouldn’t know whether to call the coroner or a taxidermist. (popeater)

X-MEN FIRST CLASS – has their first movie clip up, with Charles Xavier and Mystique in a meeting at the CIA. Then some X-Menning goes on, and then Charles asks, “How’s that for a magic trick?” And the answer is, “Not very good”, because we saw how the girl did it. (yahoo)

GWYNETH PALTROW – decided her chest plate was sexy and showed it off last night in London at the National Movie Awards. If she were as pale as she normally is she’d look like a racquetball wall in a dress. (getty)

people dont like Gwyneth Paltrow because theyre lazy and jealous

By brendon April 15, 2011 @ 1:24 PM

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Gwyneth Paltrow is out promoting her new cookbook this week, and before we get to the part where she explains why some people don’t like her, here are a few quotes from the book. Maybe there will be some hints in there.

“I had my first bowl of gazpacho when I was fifteen in Spain, and the impression it made was a lasting one.”

Ahh yes, who could forget. Oh, did you not spend your summers in Spain as a teenager? Oh what a pity. You really should have.

“I grew up going to the island of Nantucket at the end of every summer.”

“The gazpacho was pedestrian, but the lobster more than made up for it.”

“I first had a version of this at a Japanese monastery during a silent retreat—don’t ask, it’s a long story.”

Oh Gwyenth you devil!

“We’ve got a wood-burning pizza oven in the garden—a luxury, I know, but it’s one of the best investments I’ve ever made.”

And of course you should only burn Rosewood imported from Brazil. For seafood dishes I like to burn wood salvaged from Spanish shipwrecks—a luxury, I know, but it really makes a difference.

Okay well my mistake, there’s nothing in her book that people could interpret to be elitist or condescending, so why does she think some people don’t like her.

(Here’s) her theory: folks are “pissed off” because she’s driven and unafraid of change, while they’re not.
“It’s easier to not change, not do something good for you, not work on your relationship, not make yourself a meal, not work out,” she tells PopEater. “Everything in my life that’s good is because I worked my ass off to get it and to maintain it.”

Well there you have it. If you’re not a millionaire like she is, it’s because you’re lazy. With a little effort they could have had parents who are are Hollywood royalty and their godfather Steven Spielberg would have given them their first role. When Gwyeth Paltrow started acting, she had nothing but 10 million dollars, connections, and a dream. It really is an inspiring story.

Gwyneth Paltrow has advice for “other” working moms

By brendon January 13, 2011 @ 3:05 PM

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I know some people who have worked with Gwyneth Paltrow and they say she’s delightful but that seems impossible to believe. Because she’s a complete cunt, delusional and arrogant beyond all comprehension.

The latest proof: on her website GOOP, Paltrow, who is worth 90 million dollars and got married in a castle, has advice for “other extremely busy working mothers.” Yes that said “other”. Because that’s what she considers herself. And just like all working moms, after she drops her kids at school…

Did dance aerobics for 45 minutes then all of the butt lifts and the like. Rushed upstairs to have a shower, doing my post workout stretch while the conditioner was doing its magic on my hair to combine activities/save time. Dressed quickly and rushed downstairs.

Her day is essentially filled with stuff like that. The stuff that real working moms do when not at work or being a mom. The stuff they have to squeeze into one hour on the weekend is Paltrows entire life, but she’s here to tell them how to do it. Because they don’t know. They need tips from Gwyneth Paltrow.

I’m honestly shocked that she isn’t punched in the face at least once every time she leaves the house.

Tuesday morning headlines

By brendon January 04, 2011 @ 12:26 PM

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GWYNETH PALTROW – suffered from postpartum depression after giving birth to her son Moses in 2006. “I just thought it meant I was a terrible mother and a terrible person.” And fat, Gwyneth, let’s not forget about fat. (people)

SANDRA BULLOCK AND RYAN REYNOLDS – spent New Years Eve together in Austin. And then he gave it to her in the ass. Maybe. I’m not gonna lie, I didn’t read the whole thing. (people)

BEN AFFLECK – is being mentioned as a possible Oscar nominee for directing the Town, which is surprising because that movie wasn’t very good. (variety)

KANYE WEST – wore this ridiculous, and real, fur coat in NYC yesterday, and it’s kind of weird that rappers and old white women have such similar taste. They both like furs and track suits and gaudy gold jewelry. Represent, yo.