Whatever Trouble You’ve Had, Gwyneth Paltrow Had It First

By Lex May 20, 2013 @ 9:45 AM

Guess whose dad died from cancer a full five years before Angelina Jolie’s mom did? That’s right. Gwyneth Paltrow’s. But you wouldn’t know it because Gwyneth keeps her personal pain to herself. She only lets it out for tier two magazine feature articles and above. Trumped by the outpouring of sympathy to Angelina Jolie who cut off her boobs because her mom died of cancer, Gwyneth Paltrow wasted no time in penning a cookbook dedicated to her own cancer dead dad. In the book, Gwyneth says you need to cut all glutens and dairy out of your diet to avoid the Big C. Also, you need to find shucking corn more thrilling than a Thanksgiving pilgrim. If this recipe for attention doesn’t push Gwyneth higher in Google Trends than Angelina, expect her to announce that her husband Gay Beethoven has The AIDS. It’s the next obvious move.

Meet Gwyneth Paltrow for Just $2K

By Lex May 17, 2013 @ 6:03 PM

EPIC Trip for Two with Private goop Event and Gwyneth Paltrow Meet n’ Greet – New York City

You and a friend are invited to the private goop event, which begins at 6 p.m. on Friday, June 14. You can munch on appetizers and sip cocktails before goop editor-in-chief Gwyneth Paltrow gives a cooking demonstration. You’ll leave with a signed cookbook.

Meeting Gwyneth Paltrow has to be most everybody’s dream. Seeing her giving a live cooking demonstration, wow, just wow. And you can do so, or could’ve done so until just moments ago, on Groupon. But is it worth two thousand clams? Yeah, not exactly. For $2K, you also get roundtrip airfare for two to N.Y, two nights hotel, restaurants, spa treatments and blah blah blah other shit. About $2K worth of other shit. So, technically, the meet and greet with Gwyneth is a throw-in. A gift with purchase. It’s the urine contaminated free mint as you leave The Sizzler. I’d expect Gwyneth to take this news well. She might even give a ten second warning before she douses the room with ligher fluid and sends everybody to Hell in a burning symbol of her quiet rage.

Gwyneth Paltrow Stands Alone

By Lex May 07, 2013 @ 4:13 PM

I don’t claim to be the master of much. Not a chess master or a Zen master, I haven’t even come close to mastering English and it’s my only language. But I had thought I was a master when it came to all things fucked up and annoying about Gwneth Paltrow, the world’s most beautiful woman. Not to be confused with Miley Cyrus, the world’s sexiest woman according to what used to be Maxim. But I did not know that Gwyneth and her husband, Gay Beethoven, never appear together in photographs. Probably for no good reason, right? Wrong!

It doesn’t behoove us to be a public couple. He certainly doesn’t want that. We’ve never ever walked down a red carpet together, we never will. — Dear Gwyneth

I can’t believe there was a completely obnoxious, high-maintenance aspect to Gwyneth Paltrow that I did not know about. She’s like an onion.

Guess What Gwyneth Paltrow Never Ever Says to Her Husband?

By Lex May 03, 2013 @ 6:17 PM

“I’m a very grounded, homey person and Chris is a very mad scientist, genius songwriter. So I never say, ‘Where are you? You should be home by now.’ I never place demands on him because I think he’s a really talented man and he’s putting something good into the world.” — Gweyneth Paltrow

Wow, that sounds like such a big fat lie from a lying liar who likes to lie a lot. Then again, Gwyneth Paltrow is not your average person. She’s better. Mirrors stretch just to catch her reflection. The soap bubbles actually sing to her in the shower. Babies, well, babies fucking hate her. But she’s still very special. Also, she’s obviously never heard Coldplay before.

Gwyneth Paltrow In People

By Lex April 30, 2013 @ 11:25 AM

Gwyneth Paltrow In People Magazine
This is the photo spread People magazine got for inventing the World’s Most Beautiful Woman title and handing it out to Gwyneth Paltrow. After Katy Perry got divorced People ran a big spread calling her the Happiest She’s Ever Been, while Katy looked sullen, acne-flared, and like the hallucinogenics just ran out at multi day rave with forty-seven hours left to go. Gwyneth’s’s kind of a pretty woman, but not pretty enough that you wouldn’t toss her out of your moving vehicle less than an hour into a road trip with the wildly smug control freak.

Photo Credit: People Magazine

Gwyneth Paltrow Has A 70′s Bush

By Sophie April 26, 2013 @ 3:22 PM

Yesterday as a result of Gwyneth Paltrow going commando at the Iron Man 3 premiere, I pondered what the simultaneously stuck-up and yet self-effacing Gwyneth’s lady bits looked like. I placed my bets on a nicely waxed well kept triangle. I was wrong. Because on Ellen, The World’s Most Beautiful Woman said she “works a 70′s vibe” and was scrambling to find a razor last minute to wear the dress. And then Ellen creamed her pants suit and destroyed her host chair and cut to a commercial break so she could furiously frig herself in her dressing room. Shit gets dramatic when ladies wear no underpants.