afternoon headlines

By brendon March 23, 2009 @ 12:12 PM

JAMES CAMERON – “Avatar”, his first movie since “Titanic”, could cost more than 300 million dollars, which would pass “Pirates of the Caribbean 3” as the most expensive movie ever made.  Yet still a bargain to get a James Cameron 3D sci-fi movie.  Not a bargain: Skippy peanut butter.  The CouponLady Dianne Laumann says, “They’ve put a big dimple on the bottom.”  (source = deadline: hollywood and abc2)

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE – has his own brand of tequila coming out called “901”.  A spokesman said, “901 is that time of night when your evening is ending, but your night is just beginning."  Now say, “901 is how many cocks I’d like in my mouth”, and see which 901 explanation sounds gayer. (source = sun USA)

SELETA EBANKSQuintessentially held a party last week for “Valentino: The Last Emperor”.  I didn’t know what that was, but now it has a trailer.  It sounds gay, so I didn’t watch the trailer, and I still don’t know what it is, other than an excuse to post new party pictures of five star beauty Gwyneth Paltrow and Seleta Ebanks in a tiny skirt.  Seleta is so hot, and Gywneth is so ugly.  They’re like arch enemies in a comic book they’re so different. (source = apple, splash)

evening headlines

By brendon March 17, 2009 @ 4:00 PM

KATY PERRY – On Friday, because of this, I forgot for a few seconds why I think I would punch Katy Perry.  Oh, wait.  Yeah here we go: “I fart a lot.  I'm hopping around. I'm a little gassy.  I don't care.  It's my stage.”  You know what, I don’t care how big her tits are … um, okay I very much do care, but god damn is she annoying.  (source = the sun USA)

GWYNETH PALTROW – Gwyneth is opening a gym in NYC, and it's pretty much exactly what you might expect from her.  One person asked to join said, “It's ridiculous. Membership is like $4500 to join and then hundreds of dollars a month. Who can afford that right now?”  Paltrow is so far removed from reality, when the woman said 4500 was too high, Paltrow probably thought she was retarded, and showed her pictures of an apple and a duck.  “Can you say duck.  Duuuck.  Duck.  The duck says quack.”  (source – sydney morning herald)

ANNA FARIS – this chick is really really funny.  And she looks like this.  And in this months GQ, she talks about all the weed she smokes. If she got any more perfect it would turn out she can fly.  (source = GQ)

gwyneth has cracked the case

By brendon March 16, 2009 @ 3:39 PM

For weeks I’ve been telling family and friends about Joaquin Phoenix’s hot new rap career, specifically that there’s no reason to doubt or question it in any way, but now Gwyneth Paltrow is on the case, and her observations are making me look like a fool.  She tells People magazine…

“I think that there might be some other explanation or something going on. I'm not quite sure what, but I can't believe that he's really going to quit [acting] forever to become a rapper.”

It’s obvious she can’t say everything she discovered during her investigation for fear of reprisals, but now that I think about it, he wasn’t a very good rapper.  Joaquin played me like a fiddle, no doubt about it.

(no idea who that is but she came up during a search for Joaquin pictures.  WENN says, “Glamour girl, actress and former girlfriend of Joaquin Cortes, Marisa Jara, posing in sexy swimwear.”)

gwyneth paltrow is better than you

By brendon February 26, 2009 @ 1:40 PM

As you may know, back in September, Gwyneth Paltrow started an advice website called Goop.  She said, "My life is good because I am not passive about it", and she wanted you to know that one of the reasons she's a millionaire actress is because she invests in what’s real and pauses before reacting.  She tells you to not be lazy, which may or may not be why you’re not a millionaire actress.   (note – Paltrows parents are lifelong friends with Steven Spielberg, who gave Gwyneth her first role in "Hook".)  

Anyway, now Gwyneth is lashing back at critics who think the site is condescending and unrealistic.  Those critics just don’t get it, Gwyneth tells People magazine.

"I think the people who are criticizing it or criticizing the idea of it, don't really get it, because if they did, they would like it."  Paltrow said she believes some of the barbs simply stem from the fact that she's doing something new and different. "I think that people like people to stay in their 'box' – they like people to stay how they are comfortable seeing them."

That's what I was thinking too.  Those critics are either too scared to leave their safe little box or too dumb to get it.  Unlike Gwyneth Paltrow, who is really smart  (note – she attended college for less than one semester, as an art major at UCSB, then dropped out) and knows people could benefit from her wisdom.

For example, Goop has a section called GET.  "The fun frivolity (of shopping) can really cheer a girl up," she says. : )  

Here, she talks about some basic clothing pieces for what she calls "everyday life".  But looking good doesn’t have to cost a lot, because as she says, "I have found a few great (pieces) in all different price ranges."

She goes on to recommend five different pairs of shoes.  She starts with a pair of Giuseppe Zanotti boots, and count your lucky stars because those are actually on sale right now for 600 dollars.  They’re normally 1000.  Next she hearts some tartan Roger Vivier boots that will cost anywhere from 1150 to 1700 dollars.  After that the Lidia heels from Brian Atwood go for 1000.  Next are some Christian Louboutin boots for 1125, and she finishes with some Gucci ankle boots, now on sale for 800 (they're normally 1000).  

Gwyneth and I agree.  600 to 1700 covers all the different price ranges.  The normal person can spend 1700, but even if you’re a piece of shit with only 600 dollars to spend on shoes, even you can have some nice basic pieces for everyday life.  If you get them online, on sale.

In another section (here), she talks about "easy, fuss-free dressing. I’ve paired the basics together for three very different but wearable outfits that can be amended for any occasion."

Good, some more basics, simple staples to make a womans life easier.  She recommends a cashmere coat by Tods for 2000 dollars.  Theres also a pashmy bag by Tods (she's the Tods spokeperson by the way).  A similar pashmy bag retails for 1125 dollars.  The Chopard heart necklace she recommends retails for around 3000.  The repetto ballet flats are 235.  The Sergio Rossi boots are around 1000.  The coin purse is crafted lambskin (treat yourself!) and sells for 300.

If you were wondering, so far we’ve spent twelve and half thousand dollars for one coat, a purse, a wallet, a weeks worth of shoes and a necklace.  A small price to pay for the blueprint to success, as told by Gwyneth Paltrow, thanks to the wisdom she’s gained from overcoming a lifetime of opulence and luxury.  When she started out in Hollywood, all she had were connections and millions of dollars, yet she made it, and now …YOU CAN TOO (if you have those things)!

GWYNETH PALTROW IS IN THE HOSPITAL

By brendon January 15, 2008 @ 10:17 AM

Us magazine says today that Gwyneth Paltrow was admitted to New York's Mount Sinai Hospital yesterday afternoon, and although its not clear why, sources say she did appear to be in poor health.

"She was slumped over in a wheelchair pushed by [husband] Chris Martin," an eyewitness tells Us. "She looked not well."
At 6:30 p.m., a bag — labeled "Gwyneth Martin" — from NYC organic home supply store Organics Avenue was delivered.
A source tells Us she and Martin were spending the night.
The reason for the hospitalization is unknown.
Her rep tells Us, "We are not commenting as it's a personal matter."

They better give this boney bitch her own room and lock the door, because if the other patients see her pale ass lurching through the halls they're gonna think the place is haunted.  People will think it's the angel of death and will start leaping out of the windows and resigning their will to live, and I have to imagine that would do anything but help.

HOLLYWOOD STARS ARE DUMB

By brendon August 06, 2007 @ 12:08 AM

You probably thought Gwyneth Paltrow couldn't get any dumber.  In your defense, you hadn't yet heard that she uses snake venom to paralyze her skin to keep it from wrinkling.  The New York Post says:

A spy at Sonya Dakkar spa in Beverly Hills said Paltrow, a frequent customer, walked out with a line of Ultra Lux 9 products – including a cream that contains the spit of a snake. "It's not Botox," said one insider. "Just a cream that has the venom in it . . . the cream is part of the facials."

God damn people in Hollywood are dumb, but at least this gives me an excuse for slipping cobras under her door at night.  The other part of my beauty regimen for her is to leave a pumpkin at her door with a knife in it and a note that says "YOU".