Gwyneth Paltrow Isn’t Just Beautiful, She’s the Most Beautiful Fucking Creature Ever!!!!

By Lex April 24, 2013 @ 3:17 PM


Back in the day you had to offer your readers something of journalistic value to be called a magazine. Like Time or The New Yorker or Swank. But now you can kiss the ass of a female celebrity to score a front cover article by naming her the world’s most beautiful woman and pretend it’s for real. The card I got for my 4th birthday from my Nana that says ‘World’s Greatest Grandson’ carries more official weight. It’s not that Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t a reasonably attractive woman, and it’s not that whoever got named we wouldn’t be arguing over, but this is just so obvious. It’s like telling a girl at a bar at 1:30 am that muffin tops are super sexy on a lady. Just get the fuck out.

For her part, Gwyneth Paltrow reminds everyone in People that she’s just a humble gal who wears jeans and t-shirts around the house and let’s on that ‘her family makes her feel beautiful. Wow, Gwyneth. You are the World’s Most Beautiful Woman, Inside and Out.

(P.S. I love that a bunch of you wrote letters to us bitching about this decision. You are right. I’d rather nail Amanda Knox, at least we know she likes to get freaky.)

Gwyneth Paltrow is a good dancer

By brendon January 02, 2013 @ 5:56 PM

Gwyneth Paltrow spent New Years Eve on stage with Jay Z (and her husband Chris Martin) at his concert in Brooklyn, and she’s so separated from real life that this will probably become one of her tips. “Take a jet from your house in London (or Paris or Tokyo, wherever your house is) and go on stage with Jay Z.” Holy shit, that’s a great idea Gwyneth, thank you so much. The only reason I didn’t do it this year is because I didn’t think of it.

Gwyneth Paltrow has never looked better

By brendon December 05, 2012 @ 7:54 PM

paltrow_instyle

A lot of people are calling the picture of Gwyneth Paltrow on the cover of InStyle a “photoshop fail” because her face looks kinda distorted, but remember this; Gwyneth Paltrow is kinda ugly.

Gwyneth Paltrow would like to sell you this $185 bikini

By brendon July 16, 2012 @ 4:10 PM

paltrow_bikini

Normally, Gwyneth Paltrows website Goop is all about giving out advice, because Gwyneth Paltrow is just like you! (note: Gwyneth Paltrow is nothing like you) but now she’s added a store to sell clothes made exclusively for the site.

As a simple working mom, Paltrow knows people need basics, like a white t-shirt, which she calls an “essential wardrobe staple”, and then charges $90 for. Now she’s introducing a simple black bikini that sells for $185.

Of course, you could get a similar bikini from Victorias Secret for $24, but would it have “adjustable tie-strings that help flatter your shape”? NO! Those tie-strings are locked into place. Other bikinis are made from a resin that’s poured into a mold, they’re completely rigid, and any attempt to adjust them to flatter your shape will only embarrass you further.

Gwyneth Paltrow tweeted about Kanye and Jay Z in Paris

By brendon June 04, 2012 @ 4:15 PM

paltrow_tweeted_niggas_in_paris

Kanye West and Jay Z brought their ‘Watch the Throne’ tour to Paris over the weekend, a city fancy enough to attract their friend Gwyneth Paltrow, and since subtly isn’t really their thing, they performed ‘Niggas in Paris’ 11 times. And at some point, Paltrow made note of this.

Keeping in mind that Gwyneth Paltrow is an idiot, that probably took a while, like Homer hearing “Dental plan!” “Lisa needs braces.” in his head over and over. Except in this case it was Paltrow with a blank look on her face hearing the voices of a doorman and Jay Z.

“Bonjour, madame!”
“Got my niggas in Paris.”
“Bonjour, madame!”
“Got my niggas in Paris.”
“Bonjour, madame!”
“Got my niggas in Paris.”

Until eventually Paltrow gasped out loud and quickly fumbled for her phone to share her astounding tweet-worthy observation.

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oh f*ck you Gwyneth Paltrow

By brendon May 14, 2012 @ 2:04 PM

paltrow_blue_cat_make_up_may_12_2012

Rashida Jones posted this picture of Gwyneth Paltrow on her twitter, with the caption, “At callbacks for Cats: The Movie”, and if Gwyneth Paltrow ever wants someone to make her face turn blue again, I’d like to volunteer. Believe you me, that can be arranged.