Gwyneth Paltrow respects adulterers

By brendon September 07, 2011 @ 12:28 PM

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Gwyneth Paltrow has been married to Chris Martin for seven years, but during a press junket for ‘Contagion’ she told the Daily Mail he shouldn’t hold his breath in regards to that whole fidelity thing.

“I am a great romantic…”

Who else is surprised that she started this by paying herself a compliment? I know I sure was.

“…but I also think you can be a romantic and a realist.”

romantic
ro·man·tic  (adj.)
– Imaginative but impractical.
– Not based on fact; imaginary or fictitious.

“I also think you can be honest but steal a bunch of shit.”

“Life is complicated and long and I know people that I respect and admire and look up to who have had extra-marital affairs. It’s like we’re flawed – we’re human beings and sometimes you make choices that other people are going to judge.”

“If something is hard, like keeping a promise to your husband in the face of temptation, it’s probably impossible and not worth trying. My whole life has been handed to me by the way. Not sure if those two things are related.”

“That’s their problem but I think that the more I live my life, the more I learn not to judge people for what they do.”

Oh good because I’d really like to punch you in the face one day. C’est la vie, Gwyn!

this is why everyone hates Gwyneth Paltrow

By brendon August 11, 2011 @ 10:22 PM

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Insufferable elitist cunt Gwyneth Paltrow has a new interview with Elle Decor magazine and they asked her to list a few things that “she can’t live without”. And since she was born to privilege and deserves to surround herself with nothing but the finest in life, she of course lept at the chance to do some more thinly veiled bragging.

1. DeGournay hand painted wallpaper – “I indulged with one wall in my London living room covered in a gorgeous pattern.”

Seriously, the first fucking thing on the list of things she can’t live without is hand painted wallpaper. Tom Hanks or Sandra Bullock would have said, “my wedding photo” or “a drawing from my son”. Gwyneth Paltrow says, “hand painted wallpaper.” It’s hard to find prices for most of her stuff but this apparently starts at $650 per panel and the average cost is thought to be $12,000 per room. And we both know she didn’t get anything average. Who the fuck even knew they made hand painted wallpaper? It’s like there’s some secret world out there filled with secret stores. What do people like this do for things like toilet paper? Is there a snooty version of that too? Does someone make a daily chinchilla fur for each of her bathrooms and cut it into squares? Christ I’m scared to even look into it.

2. Seasonal flowers – “I like single-variety arrangements—peonies, hydrangeas, and white lilies—casually arranged.”

God this is so revealing. She wants the very best but doesn’t want it to look like any effort was involved. Expensive things are just lying around. “It’s just money and there’s plenty of that so who cares.” We’re on number 2 and this is already the least relatable list anyone has ever made about anything.

3. Darren Almond’s photography – “His arresting, large-scale artwork brings a sense of majesty to a room.”

Christies has sold a few of his pictures, ranging from $3,515 to $16,250. Because it’s not like anyone can just go take a fucking picture. And what is she supposed to do, hang pictures of her kids, like some pedophile?

4. Charles Edwards Star Lanterns – “I hung three of these at different levels in the stair hall so that we could pass them on our way up to bed at night.”

Her son is gonna be so gay.

5. Antonio Lupi Baia Tub – “It’s in the middle of my bedroom—perfect for a relaxing wind-down and for bathing the kids.”

So yes, it’s not even her main bathtub. I couldn’t find a price for hers, but this one (number 7) from the same company cost $17,300 (updatea quote from the Lupi showroom in Miami, one of only 2 in the US, says the tub cost $9,731). Why, do you just have a tub from Home Depot? And do you fill it with tap water as if you were washing a pig or do you have a crystal reservoir filled with Evian? Oh. Oh I see. How quaint.

6. Religion bookshelf – “Built-in slots hold holy books—including the Qur’an, Bible, and Tao Te Ching—all at the same level (which is how I like to think about religion).”

Oohh, a shelf that holds things at the same level! How regal! My shelves are all at a 45 degree angle because I wasn’t sophisticated enough to buy one that was flat. (please go look at this bookshelf, by the way. She says “which is how I like to think about religion” as if she has some new take on what the artist was trying to say, when it reality, that’s the entire fucking point of the piece. Her keen observation comes because she understood the very obvious message, yet she’s practically taking credit for the whole thing).

7. Clothbound Penguin Classics – “These gorgeous editions make the books so tempting to pick up, again and again. The ultimate cure for sore muscles.”

So she’ll read, but only in the most pretentious way possible. And I love how she tacks on the part about sore muscles, as if she was on an assembly line all day.

8. YUBZ Retro Handset – “A handset cuts down on cellphone radiation. I use this one for my BlackBerry calls.”

Naturally, hers is bright red. “Look at me commoners, here I am! Now is your chance to bask in my glow! You’re welcome!”

Gwyneth Paltrow in a bikini is sort of ok

By brendon July 11, 2011 @ 10:31 AM

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Gwyneth Paltrow is a completely horrible person, I don’t think anyone has come here today to dispute that, but she looks ok in a bikini considering she’s 38 with two kids. Which is probably the nicest thing I’ll ever say about her.

Here she is with her kids over the weekend in Porto Cervo, Italy, along with Steven Spielberg, whom she also spends every Thanksgiving with because he’s been a friend of her family forever and is even her godfather. He of course also gave her her first role in a movie, playing Wendy in ‘Hook’. So keep this in mind the next time you hear Paltrow telling you how hard she’s had to work to get where she is in life. She was born into an incredibly rich family, the daughter of a very successful actress and a very successful producer, then handed every opportunity to succeed at a very easy job that made her even more rich. And instead of being grateful for this, she pretends like it never happened and lectures everyone about why they’re not as wonderful as she is. As God as my witness, if I was ever alone with her in an elevator, there’s at least a 5 percent chance I would punch her in the face.

(image source = fame)

Monday headlines, with Michelle Hunziker in a bikini

By brendon May 23, 2011 @ 4:59 PM

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TREE OF LIFE – won the equivalent of Best Picture at the Cannes Fim Festival this weekend, but experts don’t think that will help much at the box office. But how can that be? Everyone loves the French. If those socialist pussies liked the movie, it should do great here in America. (la times)

KIRSTEN DUNST – was the winner of the Best Actress award at Cannes for her work in ‘Melancholia’. As you now know, Cannes selects winners by randomly choosing a name out of a hat. (ew)

GWYENETH PALTROW – was supposed to be all set to sign a record deal with Atlantic six weeks ago, but talks have stalled, perhaps because she wanted too much money upfront ($1M). Wait, Paltrow is being an unreasonable pain in the ass? Well this is the fist I’ve heard of anything like that. (ny post)

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 4 – made $90M in its opening weekend, which means there will no doubt be a number 5. If it stars Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz again, they should call it ‘Voyage of the Mumblers’. (mojo)

MICHELLE HUNZIKER – is a Swiss model, and this weekend she was on the beach in Italy. That’s her in the purple bikini, in case you weren’t putting the pieces together yet. (splash news)

Thursday headlines, with the voluptuous Gwyneth Paltrow

By brendon May 12, 2011 @ 4:17 PM

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TOM SIZEMORE – has been questioned by the LAPD about the disappearance of a 25-year-old girl named Megan Wren. Police think Sizemore might know something because he was friends with the girl, perhaps her boyfriend, and also because he’s genuinely crazy. Really, they should question him anytime anyone goes missing, whether he knew them or not. (e!, lapd missing persons blog)

CHELSEA HANDLER – made a seemingly harmless joke about Kirstie Alley being fat, and that’s apparently mean, despite the fact that Kirstie Alley is really fat. Are we all supposed to pretend like she isn’t? Screw that, she’s a monster. If she died today I wouldn’t know whether to call the coroner or a taxidermist. (popeater)

X-MEN FIRST CLASS – has their first movie clip up, with Charles Xavier and Mystique in a meeting at the CIA. Then some X-Menning goes on, and then Charles asks, “How’s that for a magic trick?” And the answer is, “Not very good”, because we saw how the girl did it. (yahoo)

GWYNETH PALTROW – decided her chest plate was sexy and showed it off last night in London at the National Movie Awards. If she were as pale as she normally is she’d look like a racquetball wall in a dress. (getty)

people dont like Gwyneth Paltrow because theyre lazy and jealous

By brendon April 15, 2011 @ 1:24 PM

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Gwyneth Paltrow is out promoting her new cookbook this week, and before we get to the part where she explains why some people don’t like her, here are a few quotes from the book. Maybe there will be some hints in there.

“I had my first bowl of gazpacho when I was fifteen in Spain, and the impression it made was a lasting one.”

Ahh yes, who could forget. Oh, did you not spend your summers in Spain as a teenager? Oh what a pity. You really should have.

“I grew up going to the island of Nantucket at the end of every summer.”

“The gazpacho was pedestrian, but the lobster more than made up for it.”

“I first had a version of this at a Japanese monastery during a silent retreat—don’t ask, it’s a long story.”

Oh Gwyenth you devil!

“We’ve got a wood-burning pizza oven in the garden—a luxury, I know, but it’s one of the best investments I’ve ever made.”

And of course you should only burn Rosewood imported from Brazil. For seafood dishes I like to burn wood salvaged from Spanish shipwrecks—a luxury, I know, but it really makes a difference.

Okay well my mistake, there’s nothing in her book that people could interpret to be elitist or condescending, so why does she think some people don’t like her.

(Here’s) her theory: folks are “pissed off” because she’s driven and unafraid of change, while they’re not.
“It’s easier to not change, not do something good for you, not work on your relationship, not make yourself a meal, not work out,” she tells PopEater. “Everything in my life that’s good is because I worked my ass off to get it and to maintain it.”

Well there you have it. If you’re not a millionaire like she is, it’s because you’re lazy. With a little effort they could have had parents who are are Hollywood royalty and their godfather Steven Spielberg would have given them their first role. When Gwyeth Paltrow started acting, she had nothing but 10 million dollars, connections, and a dream. It really is an inspiring story.