By Lex July 28, 2015 @ 10:39 AM
Hailey Baldwin and cousin Ireland Baldwin mouth kissed on the red carpet of the Mission Impossible premiere because Ireland Baldwin was just cured of her booze and lesbianism and this was her first real test. You never know how you’re treatment will hold in the field until your hot cousin is looking to swap spit. Tom Cruise could only clench his toes and hold back three decades of tear-filled regret. Everyone agreed that this was at least as good as the movie itself, if not slightly less derivative.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex May 20, 2015 @ 9:35 AM
Porntube’s least viewed FFF threesome briefly broke out at a VIP party in Cannes when Kendall Jenner kissed Hailey Baldwin as Victoria’s Secret model Josephine Skriver pushed up Kendall Jenner’s tits. It’s France, where nothing’s gay, just French. This is just three teen chicks going Lord of the Flies but with endless vodka cranberries and haute couture in the stead of lawless primal aggression. None of these girls are associated with the movie business but they are willing to play with their tits on camera for social media likes. Less about Juliet Binoche in Versace. More teen lesbian antics, s’il vous plaît.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex April 13, 2015 @ 11:23 AM
Coachella isn’t just about the cutting edge of Madonna and Drake kissing on stage, it’s about the people. If you’re a ticket buyer who spent their entire last paycheck from the Coffee Bean on a single wristband, you’re in with the tens of thousands sweaty masses taking ecstasy and imagining you’re a musical vanguard. If you’ve got a decent publicist, you’re in the cordoned off wide open area for the celebrities and their pharmaceutical reps. Tell your stylist to read up on Woodstock so she can outfit your appropriately. Bring a boy to make out with because you didn’t do high school and missed all the Hootie concerts. Bad girls dressed like injuns go to the front of the Arts Festival line. Have somebody tell you the name of your favorite band there and hope you don’t get a rash. Don’t forget the second weekend.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex March 31, 2015 @ 10:44 AM
Remember that time you and your friends all decided school was for losers and you were going to be famous models together and then that happened for a bunch of you but one of you got left behind because you weren’t so particularly right for modeling? Stephen Baldwin seems good at those life lesson talks. He used to ride his skateboard in Venice and convince kids that Jesus was better than drugs and he knew because he was currently wicked fucking high. It’s not a bad idea to consider that vocational workshop sponsored by the Quick Service Restaurant industry.
When I was a kid my baseball coach told me to quit because I’d never be a good ball player. My school counselor told me my motto should be ‘go ugly early’ and apply that to every facet of my life. My parents sat me down and told me I was adopted from a woman too retarded to care for me, which after three years of investigation I learned wasn’t even true. They were just embarrassed. Today’s inclusiveness and everybody’s a winner mentality have left this poor girl thinking she’s a model. It starts with trophies for pissing in the potty and ends with Kelly Osbourne being a beauty expert. Kids should think they’re crap and then be pleasantly surprised by life’s little victories. I just solved drug abuse and teen pregnancy. You’re welcome.
Photo Credit: Jalouse Magazine
By Lex February 13, 2015 @ 10:18 AM
Hailey Baldwin wants to make it very clear she’s not fucking Justin Bieber, she’s just a friend who spends the night with him in his Little People Big World themed waterbed to support him through his transition from villain to superhero. If this is true, it’s even worse. You can’t really control whose privates you want to bang. We all have that shame locker filled with embarrassing attractions. But friendships are worthy of judgement. As is lying about sex with midgets. And Canadians. These are horrible traits found only in lesser people. Dressing like a slutty construction worker is only halfway toward making us forget. Think nude plumber and you’ll be warmer.
Photo Credit: Matt Irwin For Wonderland Magazine
By Lex February 12, 2015 @ 9:36 AM
You look amazing. No, you look amazing. We both look amazing. Let’s solve The AIDS. It happens just like that. Girls like Kendall Jenner and that Baldwin daughter Justin Bieber is fucking only using two-percent of their brains. What if Morgan Freemen let them use five-percent of their brains. They could cure diseases with their minds. Or answer all those Change.org petitions. At some point crank up the Algernon meds so they can take dumps unassisted. Modern science is amazing. So are good looking girls without bras. If we could have only one, I’d rather die young in a world with tits.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/INF