By Lex March 31, 2015 @ 10:44 AM
Remember that time you and your friends all decided school was for losers and you were going to be famous models together and then that happened for a bunch of you but one of you got left behind because you weren’t so particularly right for modeling? Stephen Baldwin seems good at those life lesson talks. He used to ride his skateboard in Venice and convince kids that Jesus was better than drugs and he knew because he was currently wicked fucking high. It’s not a bad idea to consider that vocational workshop sponsored by the Quick Service Restaurant industry.
When I was a kid my baseball coach told me to quit because I’d never be a good ball player. My school counselor told me my motto should be ‘go ugly early’ and apply that to every facet of my life. My parents sat me down and told me I was adopted from a woman too retarded to care for me, which after three years of investigation I learned wasn’t even true. They were just embarrassed. Today’s inclusiveness and everybody’s a winner mentality have left this poor girl thinking she’s a model. It starts with trophies for pissing in the potty and ends with Kelly Osbourne being a beauty expert. Kids should think they’re crap and then be pleasantly surprised by life’s little victories. I just solved drug abuse and teen pregnancy. You’re welcome.
Photo Credit: Jalouse Magazine
By Lex February 13, 2015 @ 10:18 AM
Hailey Baldwin wants to make it very clear she’s not fucking Justin Bieber, she’s just a friend who spends the night with him in his Little People Big World themed waterbed to support him through his transition from villain to superhero. If this is true, it’s even worse. You can’t really control whose privates you want to bang. We all have that shame locker filled with embarrassing attractions. But friendships are worthy of judgement. As is lying about sex with midgets. And Canadians. These are horrible traits found only in lesser people. Dressing like a slutty construction worker is only halfway toward making us forget. Think nude plumber and you’ll be warmer.
Photo Credit: Matt Irwin For Wonderland Magazine
By Lex February 12, 2015 @ 9:36 AM
You look amazing. No, you look amazing. We both look amazing. Let’s solve The AIDS. It happens just like that. Girls like Kendall Jenner and that Baldwin daughter Justin Bieber is fucking only using two-percent of their brains. What if Morgan Freemen let them use five-percent of their brains. They could cure diseases with their minds. Or answer all those Change.org petitions. At some point crank up the Algernon meds so they can take dumps unassisted. Modern science is amazing. So are good looking girls without bras. If we could have only one, I’d rather die young in a world with tits.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/INF
By Lex January 22, 2015 @ 9:33 AM
Justin Bieber reached out from his pit of despair and Ferraris to Comedy Central to ask to be roasted on their recurring celebrity takedown specials. Most people agree to go on the roast because it’s great publicity and shows you can take lots of dick jokes about yourself. Justin Bieber wants the barbs to prove to the world he’s changed. According to every press release put out by his public relations team, he has truly changed. For one, he’s no longer short. Also, he’s cut back on the whores and picking fights and ordering his body guards to beat people down. He hasn’t challenged anybody to a jet race and then laughed when they said they had no jet in over a month. He’s maintaining a new serious face in public. And ordering Stephen Baldwin’s teen daughter to do the same when feeding her after sex. He certainly does seem different. Still, when you look over at Bieber after a solid midget joke and see him gritting his baby teeth, just know Jeffrey Ross that you probably have less than 48 hours to live.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Splash
By Lex December 29, 2014 @ 9:45 AM
Nothing says your work with the Lord isn’t being properly rewarded on Earth as when your eighteen year old daughter is taking the Bieber peen. Maybe Stephen Baldwin takes it as a test of faith. Like when the tax authorities come to your door with handcuffs because Jesus told you render zilch unto Caesar. If I found out that twat was taking my teen daughter on his jet to shmear at altitude I’d find murder in my heart. Little people go missing all the time.
Photo Credit: INF
By Lex December 09, 2014 @ 12:27 PM
Hailey Baldwin is best friends with the model formerly known as Kendall Jenner so they let her show off her tits as well for the Love magazine calendar. I don’t think it’s actually a calendar so much as a series of videos of teenaged girls being spanked or flashing skin or dancing around motel rooms like they are dim-witted and bored. Which couldn’t possibly describe Hailey Baldwin. Who cares. She’s eighteen now and unless her dad rides by on his skateboard punching you in the name of Jesus the Savior, you might as well check out his daughter on a bare mattress experiencing her Ghosts of Christmas Future.
Photo Credit: Love Magazine