By Lex September 04, 2015 @ 8:14 AM
It’s hard to believe Stephen Baldwin made something worthwhile. The skateboarding for Jesus and the absurdist drunken soliloquies I buy. This chick is pretty majestic. Her familiarity with Greek tragedy and genetics might be slight enough that she is unaware her future lies in rehab, prison, or being domestically assaulted by somebody loosely related to Kenny Loggins. Use House at Pooh Corner in a sentence, bitch. For now it’s Spandex and happy thoughts. Don’t Wiki yourself. I’ve seen the last section.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex August 14, 2015 @ 12:46 PM
Mexico is sending us their rapists. We’re sending them our whores. It makes sense if you studied street economics. Kris Jenner dispatched Kendall Jenner along with Hailey Baldwin and Pia Mia Perez down to Mexico to chaperone her barely legal daughter being fucked on the cliffs of Acapulco by her rapper boyfriend and a dudes selling naranjas on the freeway offramps. Juice never tasted as sweet as when it’s payment for bumping your lady’s snatch. This seems like the right time to quickly build that five hundred foot wall along the Southern border. Summer is coming. But no, that’s not why your urethra is burning.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex July 28, 2015 @ 10:39 AM
Hailey Baldwin and cousin Ireland Baldwin mouth kissed on the red carpet of the Mission Impossible premiere because Ireland Baldwin was just cured of her booze and lesbianism and this was her first real test. You never know how you’re treatment will hold in the field until your hot cousin is looking to swap spit. Tom Cruise could only clench his toes and hold back three decades of tear-filled regret. Everyone agreed that this was at least as good as the movie itself, if not slightly less derivative.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex May 20, 2015 @ 9:35 AM
Porntube’s least viewed FFF threesome briefly broke out at a VIP party in Cannes when Kendall Jenner kissed Hailey Baldwin as Victoria’s Secret model Josephine Skriver pushed up Kendall Jenner’s tits. It’s France, where nothing’s gay, just French. This is just three teen chicks going Lord of the Flies but with endless vodka cranberries and haute couture in the stead of lawless primal aggression. None of these girls are associated with the movie business but they are willing to play with their tits on camera for social media likes. Less about Juliet Binoche in Versace. More teen lesbian antics, s’il vous plaît.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex April 13, 2015 @ 11:23 AM
Coachella isn’t just about the cutting edge of Madonna and Drake kissing on stage, it’s about the people. If you’re a ticket buyer who spent their entire last paycheck from the Coffee Bean on a single wristband, you’re in with the tens of thousands sweaty masses taking ecstasy and imagining you’re a musical vanguard. If you’ve got a decent publicist, you’re in the cordoned off wide open area for the celebrities and their pharmaceutical reps. Tell your stylist to read up on Woodstock so she can outfit your appropriately. Bring a boy to make out with because you didn’t do high school and missed all the Hootie concerts. Bad girls dressed like injuns go to the front of the Arts Festival line. Have somebody tell you the name of your favorite band there and hope you don’t get a rash. Don’t forget the second weekend.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex March 31, 2015 @ 10:44 AM
Remember that time you and your friends all decided school was for losers and you were going to be famous models together and then that happened for a bunch of you but one of you got left behind because you weren’t so particularly right for modeling? Stephen Baldwin seems good at those life lesson talks. He used to ride his skateboard in Venice and convince kids that Jesus was better than drugs and he knew because he was currently wicked fucking high. It’s not a bad idea to consider that vocational workshop sponsored by the Quick Service Restaurant industry.
When I was a kid my baseball coach told me to quit because I’d never be a good ball player. My school counselor told me my motto should be ‘go ugly early’ and apply that to every facet of my life. My parents sat me down and told me I was adopted from a woman too retarded to care for me, which after three years of investigation I learned wasn’t even true. They were just embarrassed. Today’s inclusiveness and everybody’s a winner mentality have left this poor girl thinking she’s a model. It starts with trophies for pissing in the potty and ends with Kelly Osbourne being a beauty expert. Kids should think they’re crap and then be pleasantly surprised by life’s little victories. I just solved drug abuse and teen pregnancy. You’re welcome.
Photo Credit: Jalouse Magazine