Hailey Baldwin wants to make it very clear she’s not fucking Justin Bieber, she’s just a friend who spends the night with him in his Little People Big World themed waterbed to support him through his transition from villain to superhero. If this is true, it’s even worse. You can’t really control whose privates you want to bang. We all have that shame locker filled with embarrassing attractions. But friendships are worthy of judgement. As is lying about sex with midgets. And Canadians. These are horrible traits found only in lesser people. Dressing like a slutty construction worker is only halfway toward making us forget. Think nude plumber and you’ll be warmer.
You look amazing. No, you look amazing. We both look amazing. Let’s solve The AIDS. It happens just like that. Girls like Kendall Jenner and that Baldwin daughter Justin Bieber is fucking only using two-percent of their brains. What if Morgan Freemen let them use five-percent of their brains. They could cure diseases with their minds. Or answer all those Change.org petitions. At some point crank up the Algernon meds so they can take dumps unassisted. Modern science is amazing. So are good looking girls without bras. If we could have only one, I’d rather die young in a world with tits.
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Justin Bieber reached out from his pit of despair and Ferraris to Comedy Central to ask to be roasted on their recurring celebrity takedown specials. Most people agree to go on the roast because it’s great publicity and shows you can take lots of dick jokes about yourself. Justin Bieber wants the barbs to prove to the world he’s changed. According to every press release put out by his public relations team, he has truly changed. For one, he’s no longer short. Also, he’s cut back on the whores and picking fights and ordering his body guards to beat people down. He hasn’t challenged anybody to a jet race and then laughed when they said they had no jet in over a month. He’s maintaining a new serious face in public. And ordering Stephen Baldwin’s teen daughter to do the same when feeding her after sex. He certainly does seem different. Still, when you look over at Bieber after a solid midget joke and see him gritting his baby teeth, just know Jeffrey Ross that you probably have less than 48 hours to live.
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Nothing says your work with the Lord isn’t being properly rewarded on Earth as when your eighteen year old daughter is taking the Bieber peen. Maybe Stephen Baldwin takes it as a test of faith. Like when the tax authorities come to your door with handcuffs because Jesus told you render zilch unto Caesar. If I found out that twat was taking my teen daughter on his jet to shmear at altitude I’d find murder in my heart. Little people go missing all the time.
Photo Credit: INF
Hailey Baldwin is best friends with the model formerly known as Kendall Jenner so they let her show off her tits as well for the Love magazine calendar. I don’t think it’s actually a calendar so much as a series of videos of teenaged girls being spanked or flashing skin or dancing around motel rooms like they are dim-witted and bored. Which couldn’t possibly describe Hailey Baldwin. Who cares. She’s eighteen now and unless her dad rides by on his skateboard punching you in the name of Jesus the Savior, you might as well check out his daughter on a bare mattress experiencing her Ghosts of Christmas Future.
Photo Credit: Love Magazine
For most kids, that long wait to eighteen is like chalking the walls in the penitentiary marking the days until release. Out of high school, no more teachers, no more rules, leaving the nest and all that shit. For teen model celebrity offspring it’s just wandering the streets of New York in designer wear until the rest of the world can magically treat them as sexual objects. These bored high school dropouts who go to cooler parties and do better drugs than you. Hailey Baldwin turns eighteen in three weeks. I hope she has more lollipops.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI