By Matt December 08, 2014 @ 7:12 AM
Halle Berry and her intermittently employed model ex husband Gabriel Aubry have been feuding in court about their daughter’s hair because they are both fucked up and deranged narcissists. Berry had claimed Aubry was bleaching the girl’s hair to make her appear more white. Aubry denied the allegation because he is a liar or possibly because his English is limited and he thought she was saying he liked his ass plundered during sex. Instead of shrugging this off so they could discuss the fact the kid can’t read, Berry brought the issue to court where a judge told them both to leave the girl’s hair the fuck alone.
Berry sent her daughter’s hairbrush to a forensic consulting lab that reported back what Berry wrote for them to say, the girl’s hair suffered from:
“Extensive damage … likely the cumulative effect of repeated exposure to numerous gentle bleaching treatments.”
Whether or not the girl’s hair has been bleached or she likes to go swimming in the creek near where Karen Silkwood worked, you need to keep your crazy shit to yourself. You’re bogging down the court system. Quit sending her hair away in specimen kits and maybe order the nanny to read her Goodnight Moon in Spanglish. Yes, by educating her you will expedite the timeline by which she will discover her bio parents are annoying twats, but her hating you is the closest you’ll ever come to feeling like norma parents.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt November 25, 2014 @ 8:18 AM
Halle Berry accused her loser ex husband of trying to turn their daughter white in court. Ex model and and black market ivory trafficker Gabriel Aubry has been straightening the girl’s hair and died it blonde because he apparently wants the girl to be white. No legally sane straight dude gives a shit about his daughter’s hair. Either the little girl wanted this done or Aubry is a gay David Duke. This seems unlikely given his reverence for hot black ass. The judge ruled that neither party can now touch the child’s hair and ordered both of them to go fuck themselves. The kid is considering experimental surgery to become Taiwanese in an effort to distance herself from her bickering asshole parents. Once she reaches adulthood she will no doubt cut both of them off since they are selfish and broken enough to confuse love with hair treatment.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt November 04, 2014 @ 8:40 AM
Halle Berry’s ex husband is an idle hand living off her financial support. After Berry’s new hot fuck buddy Olivier Martinez beat the shit out of him, Aubry claims he was unable to get modeling work for six months because his face was fucked up and male modeling pay is an urban legend yet to be confirmed. Aubry is bilking $16,000 a month in child support, which he is spending mostly on his own tastes in expensive gym memberships and interracial porn. It’s unclear if his lack of job opportunities stem from his face being fucked up or because his only known accomplishment in life is banging Halle Berry. Not that that’s a small one. The couple share custody of their young child so the cash will keep flowing until that kid goes off to college, giving Aubry about a dozen years to make up a tear jerker backstory and find a wealthy widow to sponge bathe on Tuesdays. It’s somewhat reassuring to know that both men and women now suffer financially from marrying trophy spouses.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex August 28, 2014 @ 12:47 PM
I might be juvenile, but I got excited when Halle Berry almost showed off where babies of fifty year olds come from. I bet she’s had that vagina surgery that gives her twat the size, grip, and poor decision making skills of a teenager again. I’m sure her French husband benefits from thinking about that while he’s making sweet love to his dutiful male assistant. French men are gay jokes are cheap, but they still make me giggle.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex June 11, 2014 @ 4:57 PM
The day women started getting into the ‘I’ll bang hot young models because I can’ game is the day they opened themselves up for all the shit that comes after. Like Halle Berry being ordered to pay $200K a year in support to the French Canadian dude she boned until she got knocked up and realized she didn’t want to spend forever with a male model. The monthly checks aren’t meant to cover the cologne and ear muff purchases of Gabriel Aubry, they’re meant to assist Gabriel in having a not so shitty home so when their joint kid comes to visit dad she won’t be living without nannies and high thread count sheets and organic gluten free living oatmeal. This just in case the lucrative hand modeling and shaving commercial gigs slow down. In short, Frenchie gets to live off the kid. Nahla. It’s Swahili for gift. Just like Daddy done got.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Jack March 21, 2014 @ 12:38 PM
A homeless woman named Jo Anne Vandegriff came up with an interesting way to get a pitch meeting : suing Amanda Bynes. The wannabe TV producer wasn’t having any luck getting a meeting at Disney to pitch her Civil War romance series, you know, because she’s a fucking crazy homeless woman without a condescending prick of an agent. So, she figured that the best way to get everyone she wanted to pitch to in the same room was to sue them. Amanda Bynes, Armie Hammer, Halle Berry, and Disney were all invited via subpoena to listen to her delightful tale of antebellum love. Why the fuck she thought the Lone Ranger, Catwoman, and carpet glue licking Amanda Bynes would be interested in her crazy shit is unknown. The case will probably be thrown out before she gets to pitch. But you have to wonder if her idea could be any worse than the shit that’s already on TV. I hear these kinds of crazy fucking rants homeless people spew and some of them would make great TV. One guy yelled out to a subway car I was in the other day, “The government is trying to control my brain with a radio in my dick.” I’d watch that show.