It’s kind of a sad day, but you knew it had to come. Halle Berry took her daughter Nahla to FedEx to get her passport picture. With the new baby on the way by the next temperamental male model, it’s time to ship the five year old reminder of the last guy off somewhere overseas. Remember, Nahla, mommy still loves you. Now take a deep breath and get in the fucking box.
I’m not sure Halle Berry realizes that while a number of her parts are fresh from the factory this decade, her babymaker is still a natural 46. But somehow, she and her pretty Euro boy actor and model boyfriend got a baby in there and it’s going to become a kid, according to TMZ. You could expect this to go slightly better than the last time Halle was 40+ and gave birth to a baby by a pretty boy model. I love a game of pretend too.
Halle Berry doesn’t have real tits, but she has spectacular tits, which is more important than real. What truly is real in this world? Organic food? It’s grown with shit, literally. Reality TV is entirely fake. The last bout of ‘real love’ I experienced ended in her sleeping with my favorite bartender (the worst, because you can always find a new girl, but finding a new favorite bartender is a pain in the ass). There is no real. Just good and bad. And Halle Berry has good.
People who say Halle Berry is just OK are both blind, and probably racist too. Not that there’s anything wrong with being blind. Halle Berry is 46-damn years old and I’d dare you to name another woman her age whose big knockers you’d like to knock back with your face as much as hers? I’d have to agree that the short haircut nonsense raging through Hollywood is a bit of a boner killer. If I wanted to be with girls with short hair and toned physiques, I’d be with boys. But there’s no denying, no rational denying, that you’d throw your best buddy out of your house if he got in the way of you and ten minutes alone with Halle Berry. And you’d shoot that same buddy between the eyes if Halle told you it was a pre-condition to banging her brains out.
I don’t know if its because I’m possibly gay or because I’m definitely incredibly racist but Halle Berry does absolutely nothing for me. That’s why it shocks me to hear people talking about her appearance on Leno last night. Mostly because I didn’t know people still watched Leno and like every other guy on the planet I take it as a personal insult that she still cuts her hair short. Proving once again no one can pull this look off and that Halle Berry is still a mean, conniving wench who wouldn’t have sex with me that one time. Burn. Mission accomplished. Consider your career ruined Halle!
Last night was The 85th Annual Academy Awards and I’m completely ashamed to say I watched the entire thing. To sum it up, Seth MacFarlane did surprisingly not shitty, Jennifer Lawrence fell down, the Best Director winner was bullshit, Ben Affleck got snubbed, then didn’t and George Clooney kept getting free scotch thrown at him for smiling every time someone joked he banged and/or will bang somebody like nine-year-old Quvenzhané Wallis (Actual Seth MacFarlane joke.) who already had to deal with Daniel Day Lewis demanding she thank him backstage. This shouldn’t fuck a kid up.
(Images of celebs who showed up to last night’s Oscars with varying degrees of cleavage or dumb-looking faces = Getty)