Halle Berry doesn’t have real tits, but she has spectacular tits, which is more important than real. What truly is real in this world? Organic food? It’s grown with shit, literally. Reality TV is entirely fake. The last bout of ‘real love’ I experienced ended in her sleeping with my favorite bartender (the worst, because you can always find a new girl, but finding a new favorite bartender is a pain in the ass). There is no real. Just good and bad. And Halle Berry has good.
People who say Halle Berry is just OK are both blind, and probably racist too. Not that there’s anything wrong with being blind. Halle Berry is 46-damn years old and I’d dare you to name another woman her age whose big knockers you’d like to knock back with your face as much as hers? I’d have to agree that the short haircut nonsense raging through Hollywood is a bit of a boner killer. If I wanted to be with girls with short hair and toned physiques, I’d be with boys. But there’s no denying, no rational denying, that you’d throw your best buddy out of your house if he got in the way of you and ten minutes alone with Halle Berry. And you’d shoot that same buddy between the eyes if Halle told you it was a pre-condition to banging her brains out.
I don’t know if its because I’m possibly gay or because I’m definitely incredibly racist but Halle Berry does absolutely nothing for me. That’s why it shocks me to hear people talking about her appearance on Leno last night. Mostly because I didn’t know people still watched Leno and like every other guy on the planet I take it as a personal insult that she still cuts her hair short. Proving once again no one can pull this look off and that Halle Berry is still a mean, conniving wench who wouldn’t have sex with me that one time. Burn. Mission accomplished. Consider your career ruined Halle!
Last night was The 85th Annual Academy Awards and I’m completely ashamed to say I watched the entire thing. To sum it up, Seth MacFarlane did surprisingly not shitty, Jennifer Lawrence fell down, the Best Director winner was bullshit, Ben Affleck got snubbed, then didn’t and George Clooney kept getting free scotch thrown at him for smiling every time someone joked he banged and/or will bang somebody like nine-year-old Quvenzhané Wallis (Actual Seth MacFarlane joke.) who already had to deal with Daniel Day Lewis demanding she thank him backstage. This shouldn’t fuck a kid up.
(Images of celebs who showed up to last night’s Oscars with varying degrees of cleavage or dumb-looking faces = Getty)
Police now feel that Halle Berrys ex Gabriel Aubry was actually the instigator in the fight between him and Halles fiancé Oliver Martinez, but Martinez is French so I still feel justified in not liking him. She doesn’t really sweat the details, though.
Gabriel Aubry won’t be charged with a crime after he was arrested and charged with misdemeanor battery for fighting with Berry’s fiance Olivier Martinez on Thanksgiving morning.
The reason: Berry and Martinez feel it would not be in the best interest of Berry and Aubry’s four-year-old daughter, Nahla.
Instead, Aubry is expected to agree to anger management courses.
Ahhh, I should have known the so-called “victim” was lying to get back at his ex! It’s the Jerry Sandusky trial all over again!
Halle Berry and her fiancé Oliver Martinez have offered to pay whatever medical and legal fees Gabriel Aubry might accrue as a result of Martinez beating the shit out of Aubry last week for no apparent reason, but please don’t think this means Martinez did anything wrong. Oh heavens no.
“The settlement that was reached between Halle and Gabe in the aftermath of his arrest for allegedly getting into a fight with Olivier Martinez, includes an agreement that the couple will pay for the Canadian model’s legal and medical bills. Without admitting ANY guilt, Olivier agreed to pay for Gabe’s medical bills because he suffered the brunt of the injuries from the fight,” a source close to the situation tells Radar exclusively.
Oh ok. So Martinez won’t admit to starting the fight, that must mean Aubry started it, and now Martinez wants to help sue himself and pay his attackers medical bills. It makes perfect sense. In a related story, Casey Anthonys ghost daughter led her to some buried treasure.