Sure there’s some natural remorse after nailing a Kardashian. That’s the cosmos confirming you’re going to die prematurely in some grisly manner. Still, if you’re Q score is high enough to bone eighteen year old Kendall Jenner on a gratis package in New York, you’ve ought be wearing a shit-eating grin from ear to ear. You didn’t join a fucking boy band to make music, you sad mascara wearing sack. You’ve notched Taylor Swift and now Kendall Jenner. You’re one Madonna’s busty daughter away from an epic deflowering trifecta. They’ll sing songs about you, I mean, real singers who can sing actual notes. It’ll blow your mind. Now quit looking askance like you’ve got VD and act like a fucking king.
I’m not sure whose publicist set this doozy up, but it worked. Fresh off he nipple baring coming out party, Kendall Jenner went out with boy band prancing Harry Styles to a popular West Hollywood restaurant packed with paparazzi. Kris Jenner’s black-only dating policy for the girls who work her house was waived for the evening, given the crazy level of media attention surrounding Styles. Kris still needs to work with Kendall on her ‘faking it’ face if she wants her daughter to take her game to the next level and super whoredom. Kendall spent most of the evening staring into her cellphone trying to figure out why the red Candy Crush Saga icons didn’t taste like cherries. That’s a joke, because she’s dumb.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
If Miley Cyrus hadn’t already taken the fine dance art of Twerking out behind the woodshed and put a bullet between its eyes, then One Direction’s Harry Styles took care of it at the 2013 Teen Choice Awards last night. As a billion teenage girls screamed with the orgasmic ferocity of 1,000 suns, Harry shook his ass for a brief moment, or at least long enough to make LL Cool J think, “White kids are the weirdest.” And then he went back to pretending that he and Brad Paisley didn’t record the worst song of the year with “Accidental Racist.”
This video is almost a week old, but it’s worth sharing because it’s both great to see that idiot kids are still violently hurling random objects at the guys from One Direction at their shows and Harry Styles still isn’t fooling anyone. There have always been questions about Harry’s preferences, what with his zest for grabbing his bandmates’ dicks, so I just don’t see why he feels like hiding the truth anymore.
Be brave, Harry. Set a standard for the other entertainers who are afraid to admit their deepest, darkest secrets and tell the world the truth already – you have no talent. You’ll feel better for it.
On April 23, MTV will debut the new reality series, Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life, which is about a girl built from elk bones and vanilla pudding who grows up to convince people that she’s an edgy and in-your-face pop star. So because she’s desperate for attention and probably an HPV vaccine, Ke$ha told the magazine NOW that she’s been flirting with One Direction singer Harry Styles by text and they may have something going on.
Spoiler: They don’t.
“We’ve texted here and there. No sexting — not yet. Maybe he can be my cougar bait.”
Ke$ha’s 26, mind you, but in ghost-fucking years that could be 50, for all I know. She’s not the only girl being linked to Harry’s shoe-bruised crotch, though. The Mirror reported over the weekend that Harry has been sleeping with a London stripper, who, of course, denied that they’re hooking up.
Between Ke$ha and a London stripper, this might be the first time that someone would be better off going back to Lindsay Lohan.
(Photo Credit: WENN.com)
In case you need proof that Scottish people are angry, violent and all-around fantastic, someone at One Direction’s show last night in Glasgow hit Harry Styles in the balls with a shoe. The boy band took a break between horrible songs to moisten their female fans’ panties, when someone chucked a shoe at the stage. The first throw missed, but the second throw nailed Styles right in his oil checker.