Monday morning headlines

By brendon August 16, 2010 @ 11:53 AM

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NEIL PATRICK HARRIS – and his boyfriend will be having twins, one boy and one girl, via surrogate this October. I hope I’m wrong but the boy better learn how to fight immediately. (twitter, e!)

LINDSAY LOHAN – might be getting out of drug rehab and beginning outpatient care as early as this week, because doctors don’t believe her drug problems are as severe as first thought. They haven’t made a recommendation yet, but when they do the new judge, “will almost certainly go along with it.” It’s a big victory for Lindsay, except for the fact that she’s apparently so naturally stupid and irresponsible everyone just assumed she was a drug addict. (tmz)

HILARY DUFF – got married to NHL star Mike Comrie in Santa Barbara on Saturday, and I dare you to come up with a scenario that sounds more boring than that. (popeater)

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER – because there’s bacon recipes now. (twitter)

JENNY MCCARTHY – hosted the Midsummer Night’s Dream at the Palms in Vegas on Saturday, and her tits and abs looked amazing. Giving dangerous and unqualified medical advice must be good exercise. (wenn)

Friday morning headlines

By brendon August 13, 2010 @ 12:23 PM

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RIHANNA – says there is no typo on her tat, as was reported yesterday. “Rebelle fleur translates to rebel flower, NOT rebellious flower, it’s 2 nouns so in that case fleur does not HAVE to be first!” So see. Her dumb tat works on a lot of different levels. (ok!)

JENNIFER LOPEZ – was too big a bitch for ‘American Idol’ to deal with, and now she’s tweeting pictures of her diamonds to… um, prove it, I guess.
NOTE TO SELF: go rob Jennifer Lopez. (huff post)

JULRI WATERS – is the Playboy model in the banner picture, and she’ll be in Sturgis today signing stuff (details). I know I mentioned this yesterday, but I could either post a picture of the girl who gets a perfect score in every category I use to rank girls, or Hilary Swank, who is still waiting for science to determine what sex she is. (direct link to the full size NSFW banner picture here. source = playboy)

HILARY SWANK – is in Hawaii with boyfriend John Campisi, just sort of hanging out by a sign in a bikini. If these two lovebirds have a wedding in their future, Hilary is sure to make a beautiful bride and/or groom. (pacific coast)

thursday morning headlines

By brendon August 12, 2010 @ 10:09 AM

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JULRI WATERS – is beautiful, short, Asian, has huge breasts, and parades around naked for Playboy. In other words she’s historys most perfect girl (NSFW pictures here). Easily manipulated, she asked me to mention that she and Julia Morse (direct link to their NSFW Playboy pics here and here) are in Sturgis for the bike rally, and at the Silverado casino today and tomorrow from 1-4 signing stuff. I’m gonna go at 4 when she’s tired and see if she’ll blindly sign a marriage license. (silverado, playboy)

JIMMY KIMMEL - was on his Twitter last night asking about his computer generated “Who To Follow” suggestions. Twitter is kind of a smartass, as it turns out. (twitpic)

OKSANA GRIGORIEVA – is having her home searched for listening devices so no one can secretly record her conversations. “She’s worried either Mel or the media has planted cameras or wiretapping devices.” The balls on this chick. The judge should throw out the case just for this. Then have the bailiff go punch her in the stomach. (tmz)

TWITTER – Follow me today and you’ll receive 10 free internets. (twitter)

SOFIA VERGARA – says Madonna looks like a freak. While not opposed to plastic surgery, she says some women go to far. “That thing with the cheeks. Like Madonna. Who do they think they’re fooling? It doesn’t make them look young. You end up looking like a freak.” Keep in mind Madonnas arms look like this. She looks like an old tree. (us)

Wednesday headlines

By brendon August 11, 2010 @ 12:48 AM

COUGAR TOWN – was created by Bill Lawrence (he also created ‘Scrubs’ and ‘Spin City’) and I was genuinely astonished to discover it’s a funny show. Christa Miller really knows how to deliver a line, as you can see in the clip above. Point being, Lawrence says Sarah Chalke, Zach Braff, John C. McGinley, Donald Faison or Judy Reyes (all of ‘Scrubs’) will be on ‘Town’ this year. I don’t really care about this, I just like that clip of Christa. No one actually reads this shit, do they? (e!)

JANE LYNCH – of ‘Glee’ will host SNL next season. I’ve never seen ‘Glee’ but she was great in ‘Arrested Development’ and ‘Party Down’ before some dickhead canceled those shows. She’s a real anomaly in Hollywood because she’s successful and talented. Jack Black better fucking pray that trend doesn’t catch on. (people)

RHYS DARBY – isn’t famous but he was the bands manager in ‘Flight of the Conchords’ and he’s a leading candidate to replace Steve Carell on ‘the Office’. So now I’m all pissy because in the last 20 seconds I’ve been reminded of 3 great comedies that got canceled while unwatchable shit like ‘Two and A Half Men’ goes on forever. If I was locked in a room with a TV in a cage showing ‘Two’, and there was a knife and a remote control and I was told I could only pick up one, I’d slit my own throat rather than roll the dice that the remote was some Saw-like trick. (ew)

TWITTER – Follow me. Or else. You see this dynamite? You see these hostages? Do you want them to die? (twitter)

SANDRA BULLOCK – was with Jesse James in Long Beach on Monday, the first time they’ve been seen together since their divorce in June. I don’t get this. He must be like that singing frog in the Bugs Bunny cartoon, entertaining as hell in private, because every time I see him I get so bored I forget I’m even watching TV. He starts talking, my eyes glaze over, then I snap out of it and wonder why it’s dark outside now. (story = radar, pictures of sandra at saturdays teen choice awards = wire image)

tuesday morning headlines

By brendon August 10, 2010 @ 11:16 AM

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KARISSA AND KRISTINA SHANNON – are the twin sisters who used to date Hugh Hefner, and they kissed at the Playboy Mid Summers Night Dream party Saturday (full size pic here). I think one of them even used some tongue. If I weren’t in a Starbucks right now I’d masturbate to this until a ghost came out of my penis. (pacific coast)

SNOOKI – says she didn’t like being in jail for public intoxication 10 days ago, and that, “I’m too pretty to be in jail. I’m a good person. I’m not a criminal, and I will never go back there.” Have they made the Jersey Shore porn parody yet? Because that line and this scene would be good for that. Then Deputy Lasagna and Officer Bigballs could train her. (mtv)

KELLY BROOK - was at the Playboy Mid Summers Night Dream party too, but she didn’t kiss any other girls so she didn’t get to be the banner picture. I’m tough but fair.

friday morning headlines

By brendon August 06, 2010 @ 10:16 AM

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LAURENCE FISHBURNE – made an offer to Vivid to buy every copy of his daughters first porn movie. What a pervert! One copy wasn’t enough, you sicko? (tmz)

MONTANA FISHBURNE – says she’s always wanted to do porn. “I am not in porn to get into acting. I am in porn because I wanted to be in porn.” Dreams really do come true! (people, blurry but very NSFW dvd back cover here)

PAULA ABDUL – will not be returning to American Idol as a judge, because of her new exclusive contract with CBS to produce their version of the U.K. show ‘Got To Dance’. It will be like the dance acts on Americas Got Talent, the twist being this will have a judge who cries and drunkenly slurs incoherent nonsense that’s unrelated to what just happened on stage. (e!)

EMMA WATSON – chopped all her hair off, so good news for everyone who always like Emma Watson but wished she looked more “dykey” (flynet)