KATY PERRY - On Friday, because of this, I forgot for a few seconds why I think I would punch Katy Perry. Oh, wait. Yeah here we go: “I fart a lot. I'm hopping around. I'm a little gassy. I don't care. It's my stage.” You know what, I don’t care how big her tits are … um, okay I very much do care, but god damn is she annoying. (source = the sun USA)
GWYNETH PALTROW - Gwyneth is opening a gym in NYC, and it's pretty much exactly what you might expect from her. One person asked to join said, “It's ridiculous. Membership is like $4500 to join and then hundreds of dollars a month. Who can afford that right now?” Paltrow is so far removed from reality, when the woman said 4500 was too high, Paltrow probably thought she was retarded, and showed her pictures of an apple and a duck. “Can you say duck. Duuuck. Duck. The duck says quack.” (source – sydney morning herald)
ANNA FARIS - this chick is really really funny. And she looks like this. And in this months GQ, she talks about all the weed she smokes. If she got any more perfect it would turn out she can fly. (source = GQ)
TITTIES - I don’t know which college humor editor got dumped by Amanda, but matching her against Brittany in this bikini contest really can’t be considered anything other than sarcastic. She would have a better chance playing tennis against Roger Federer, even if someone tied her shoes together and her racket was upside down. (source = college humor)
NATASHA RICHARDSON - Natasha Richardson suffered a severe brain injury yesterday while skiing in Quebec. Her husband Liam Neeson was filming in Toronto but rushed to her side. Natasha was on a beginner level slope when she tumbled and fell. She didn’t hit anything and there were no signs of injury, but an hour later her head started to ache and she was soon taken to the hospital. That was some vivid storytelling wasn’t it? You probably felt like you were actually there, witnessing the events in real time, but try to catch your breath and let's keep going. (source = tmz)
MADONNA - Catharina Franca is an 18-year-old model from Brazil, and she dated Jesus Luz for 18 months. Madonna is a 50-year-old female impersonator from Detroit, and she dates Jesus Luz now. “When I heard about him and Madonna I couldn’t believe it. She is a ridiculous old bag, jumping around on stage at her age,” Catharina said. And she’s right. Madonna's vag must feel like it's made out of wood. (source = the Sun UK)
PATRICK SWAYZE - I’m not technically a doctor, but I think it's safe to say Patrick Swayze isn’t doing so great with his pancreatic cancer. But he's not giving up, even though many predicted he would have died by now. So suck on that naysayers. (source = fame pictures)
RIHANNA - Lawyers for Chris Brown want the charges dropped because it was all a misunderstanding when he beat the shit out of Rihanna. “He will argue it was a misunderstanding between two young people passionately in love.” Wow. The balls on this guy. (source = the Sun USA)
FATTIES - Did those fatties bring their own bench? Because the bench they’re on doesn’t look bolted down or anything. So I guess that’s a special one they bring from home. Also because it hasn’t collapsed yet. (source = College Humor)
KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN - Kim's hot sister took some slutty pictures for Maxim magazine, which no one reads, and the footage of that shoot will air on “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”, which no one watches. She’s got this Hollywood thing all figured out. (source = the Sun UK)
BRITNEY - Britney Spears put on a bikini last week, and across the internet it was like those movies when a brave warrior stands over a cliff and blows into a conch shell. Creepy perverts everywhere leapt into action to see if they could spot her vagina. Because why wouldn’t they. And they did it! There it is! A blurry line near her hip! What a whore she is. (image source = Splash)
SCARLETT JOHANSSON - Scar has joined the cast of "Iron Man 2", joining Robert Downy, Don Cheadle and Mickey Rourke. Scarlett will play Black Widow, a Russian with long red hair, huge breasts and pouty lips. Iron Man wants to find this woman, as do I. (source = imdb)
RIHANNA - 200 teenagers in Boston were surveyed about Rihanna and Chris Brown, and 46 percent said Rihanna was responsible for her assault. More than half said the media was treating Brown unfairly. The survey was conducted by the New York City Chamber of Commerce. (source = boston.com)
TITTIES - Either today’s Cute College Girl is three feet tall or that’s an usually high doorknob. The "doorknob" is that shiny metal thing just past her bikini-clad tits. (source = college humor)
JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT - Jamie Kennedy told Ryan Seacrest on his radio show today that’s he’s dating his "Ghost Whisperer" co-star Jennifer Love Chew-It. I hope this didn't blind you with all its star power. (source = us.com)
FERGIE - Fergie dyed her hair brown for some inexplicable reason. Then she went to the March of Dimes ball in NYC. Then she baked some children in an oven and cackled manically. (image source = getty)
