Heidi Klum Is a Triple Threat

By Lex January 20, 2015 @ 10:43 AM

Heidi-Klum-Old-Modeling-Photo
I’m not sure the age when you realize your mom’s work trip was riding some dude’s dick on the beach not your dad’s. When mom jets back in time to bring orange wedges to AYSO, all is forgiven. Heidi Klum drove home the point to her daughters¬†that someday she’s likely be banging their young boyfriends by posting an old nude photograph of herself to Twitter. You know, how modest people do. It’s going to suck when you bring home your teenage boy crush and all he can do is stare blankly at your mom. Truly not his fault when she’s topless and sucking on her nipples at the kitchen table moaning shit in German.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Heidi Klum And Vito Schnabel Still Scrumping on the Beach

By Lex January 02, 2015 @ 9:54 AM

Heidi Klum And Vito Schnabel Make Out On The Beach In St. Barth
Heidi Klum continues to splash her affections and vagina atop Vito Schnabel on some island in the Caribbean where the laws regarding wealthy 40-somethings raping young men are far less rigorous. Heidi doesn’t have much time as her business schedule ramps up quickly again in the New Year. Vito could lay on the beach with a boner for the next three years and nobody from any office would call wondering where he was. Heidi might just leave him there and come back in March. He won’t have moved. Just funnel some oysters into his gullet and mount. She’s such a pig. I think I love her.

Photo Credit: Splash

Heidi Klum Topless Bikini Banging That Shnabel Kid

By Lex December 29, 2014 @ 8:56 AM

Heidi Klum Topless With Vito Shnabel In St. Barth's
Sometimes it’s enough just to be a celebrity kid with the confidence to hang your wang around a 40-something German supermodel. I don’t like to be naked in front of anybody. It makes me feel like I’m at the doctors or a prisoner of war orientation. But that’s why I spent the day after Christmas in the return line at Target rather than in St. Barth’s banging Seal’s old lady. Lack of shame is its own superpower.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Howie Mandel Stares at Heidi Klum’s Tits

By Lex September 18, 2014 @ 9:32 AM

Heidi Klum Wears Low Cut Dress To AGT Final Howie Stares At Her Chest
Howie Mandel is a freak, but he’s as inexorably bound by the compulsions of the cock and balls as the next guy. He’s going to peek at German model tits near his face. I once had a woman in an exceedingly low cut top call me out for staring at her yabbos in the produce department at a Whole Foods. I said, I’m sorry I thought I was supposed to. I tried masturbating thinking about her later that day but it just didn’t work. Why she had to go and ruin such a beautiful moment I do not know. Hey, look, my tits, no don’t look, perv. Too confusing. Put a sweater on a let me buy my six dollar avocados in peace, woman.

Photo Credit: Fame Flynet

Heidi Klum Tit Covered by Fashion Designer, It’s Okay, He’s Gay

By Lex August 01, 2014 @ 10:29 AM

Heidi Klum Posts A Bikini Booty Photo To Instagram
There are so many cool things you get to do as a gay man. Not even counting Grindr and random office parking garage sex, women love to treat you as their most intimate valets. Imagine a model who’s been molested since grade school. I am right now. Suddenly, she has a full grown man who can see her naked, rub his hands on her tits as a funny, and he never ever tries to press his junk into her honeypot. That’s the dream. It’s for this very same reason I keep many attractive lesbians as my dearest friends. Though inevitably I have unsuccessfully tried to nail each and every one of them. Bruising around the face and nut area is what separates me from Heidi Klum.

Photo Credit: Heidi Klum/Instagram

New WWTDD Policy Prohibits the Display of Celebrity Children in Fuck Me Pumps

By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 8:48 AM

Heidi Klum And Her Daughter Step Out On Matching Hills In New York
A lot of gossip rags talk the talk, but none are going to reach the bar we’re setting by completely prohibiting the photographic display, written discussion, or even the mere mention of celebrity kids dressed like itty bitty hookers. Just as an example, we will no longer be talking about Heidi Klum wardrobing her ten year old daughter like she’s ready to hit the clubs in Paris and maybe take a lover. That’s so inappropriate, you won’t find that indecency here. Check People. Now give me my¬†Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award and a cheese sandwich. God bless America.

Photo Credit: Splash