Things got serious between Heidi Klum and that young guy she’s been fucking for the past year when she dropped the “love’ word on social media. Heidi has been touring the Riviera with Vito the Cock to celebrate his twenty-something birthday. Heidi explained to her children that mommy needs to leave for a while because she cums harder on high purity silica sand which can only be found outside North America. Mom works super hard. Should she have to apologize for wanting to grind some young dick? Not if you don’t want the metal hangers, you repressive little fucks. Stop ruining everything. Seal!
42 year old bobble head Heidi Klum posed for her new line of intimates, perfect to slip on after a romantic evening of rice cakes and laxatives. Klum looks pretty good for her age if she were serving time for possession. You can boil life down to not getting fat and regular trips to the spa. That is if you host a TV show which pays you a million dollars a word to sit there and nod. Beyond that if you’re willing to survive on a diet of boiled water condensation you should be good to go. Stop licking the stove you’ve reached your limit. Do you need a spotter for those heels? Why did you buy this perverted novelty costume for the cat? These don’t fit have you been watching Skeletor’s reality show again? I thought intimate meant we take our clothes off. Why are you wasting money? Get this chick a neck brace. I definitely still would.
The fault in the woman’s rights movement is lumping everything and the kitchen sink into a broad demand for equality. As with any campaign, you need to more narrowly target your goals if you want to achieve a meaningful success. Asking for everything only guarantees you’ll get nothing. Pinpointing goodies like being able to become rich and famous and divorce your husbands for the superior experience of young trophy fucks, you now have a winnable issue. Not every battle can be D-Day. That’s a once a war kind of thing. Sometimes, you just want to afternoon Caribbean beach fuck attractive semi-employed afternoon boy toys. Ride the snot out of his young man cock while deploring the fiction of 72-cents on the dollar for female pay. Your orgasm will let you know when victory has been achieved.
Heidi Klum got herself cast in the latest Sia video about melancholy girls in underwear lighting men on fire, the summary visual definition of feminism. Heidi makes out a lot with the dude who got his head exploded in Game of Thrones before they torch her house and she runs out with the wig of the little girl the pedo bear cast in Sia’s previous three videos. At some point they close in on the lingerie Heidi’s wearing revealing it’s her own branded line available at numerous department stores with previously worn versions for sale on Craigslist. If you ever wondered what would happen if models had brains, this is it. Not mountain top strongholds with lasers like I previously predicted. Heidi Klum is worth $70 million. She banged, gestated, worked, contracted, and plotted every single dollar therein. She won’t ever get a school holiday like that dude who helped migrant strawberry pickers get raises from 30 cents an hour to 34 cents an hour, but young people should study her just the same. This German chick is America’s last chance.
America’s Got Talent. But not necessarily enough to find American hosts for the America’s Got Talent show. I’m no jingoist, but if we’re pulling Howie Mandel out of our asses we might as well invite ISIS Toyota pickups to cruise down the pot-holed streets of our fruited plains. I’d keep Heidi Klum in the off-chance one drunken night she mistakes me for somebody handsome and mounts me like an SS Guard raping ghetto Poles, but entertainment is one of the few categories we still lead the world. That and comfort eating. We lose those and we become Canada. I’d rather die.
Heidi Klum isn’t the kind of me-first super model who doesn’t give back. She’s got wise words for aspiring young models on how to get ahead in a business where tens of thousands of girls are competing for but a few dozen career slots:
You have to be super fit because you have to look good all the way around. You have to be firm and tight. You might have been the most beautiful girl in your hometown and now you are a beautiful fish in a big pond of a lot of beautiful girls, and in order to get the greatest jobs, you have to look amazing. You have to exercise and eat right so your nails are beautiful, your skin is beautiful, your hair is beautiful. Otherwise you will get mediocre jobs. If you want to get great ones, wear lingerie, or swimsuit jobs, your body has to look accordingly – the way the clients want it.
Be super fucking good looking. Check. Having a baby with an Italian billionaire then marrying an internationally hot music star also have to be considered part of the to-do list. Hey, some people’s jobs involving going to college or having to pass a background check, you get free clothes and champagne. You can’t bitch about which French guy you do or do not have to ass tickle from the shotgun seat of his Mercedes. Klum’s advice to prospective basketball players to be seven feet tall and coordinated is coming shortly.