Heidi Klum Is On the Hunt

By Lex April 01, 2014 @ 4:11 PM

Heidi Klum In A Black Bikini Poolside In The Bahamas
Heidi Klum’s hormones are raging and some lucky young man in the Bahamas is about to be the next beneficiary. Make no mistake, that oversized floppy hat isn’t there to protect Heidi from the deadly ultraviolet rays of El Sol, it’s to hide her sexually bent ill intents. Her vagina is thirsty and only the domination of every cock above the prevailing legal age of sixteen will slake it’s thirst. Just look at that whorecat on the hunt. This is like those viral clips of submerged crocs waiting for the gnus by the watering hole. If only the gnu knew how Heidi Klum was about to bang him senseless.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Heidi Klum Is Just Like You and Me

By Lex March 24, 2014 @ 5:13 PM

Heidi Klum In A Black Bikini With New Bodyguard At The Beach In The Bahamas
Heidi Klum is forty and rich and banging the crap out of every hot guy she please. She already did the offspring thing, she made four, and the marriage thing with that creepy looking Kiss from a Rose fellow,. Now, she’s just one put happy horny divorcee nailing a 20-something celebrity kid in Paris and suntanning in the Bahamas with a brand new hunky bodyguard she hired to replace the last one she was mounting at will before he got too close and wanted to talk and discuss feelings and know where the relationship was headed. Heidi didn’t need that kind of distraction. The feminists may never cop to it, but this is the woman you want to be. She’s not just talking about her vagina, she’s making it squeak with joy. On her own dime and by her own schedule. I’d be happier for Heidi if she weren’t more man than I’ll ever be.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Splash

Heidi Klum Is The World’s Best Soccer Mom

By Travis March 10, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Ageless supermodel Heidi Klum proved once again that she’s just as normal and down to Earth as the rest of us, as she took her kids to soccer practice and shot the shit with the other wealthy parents while their kids all got the same trophy for participation, because screw rewarding the better players when there are feelings on the line. Heidi kept the juice boxes and apple slices handy for her kids on the sideline, and I’m pretty sure that she wore a white shirt with a black bra so that when the game was over, the players would dump the Gatorade cooler on her. If that’s not what happened, then those little brats really need to get their shit together and start thinking like a team.

Photo Credits: WENN.com

Heidi Klum Dismounts Her Kids’ Bodyguard

By Lex January 29, 2014 @ 2:54 PM

Heidi Klum Shows Off Her Cleavage At Hollywood Stand Up Tp Cancer In Los Angeles

Never in the long and vaunted history of rich people banging the help has anybody been given such a hall pass as Heidi Klum. She started inviting her kids burly bodyguard to her bedroom about eleven seconds after Seal’s feet hit the pavement on the way out the door. She really liked Martin for all his special qualities, like having a cock and being on the payroll. Oh, also, naturally, it was about the kids:

This is one reason why I’m so fond of him … He’s been helping me for four years now, and he takes wonderful care of the kids. He plays with them, he protects them. I trust him.

Men can’t fuck the babysitter and get away with such bullshit. People magazine isn’t going to feature you a romantic expose about how you railed young Kimberly after seeing her supervise your kids on the play structure at the park. Nope, you’re just going to be the dude who fucked the babysitter and now your married guy friends aren’t allowed to hang out with you anymore.

But even convenient upstairs downstairs at the manor fairy tales eventually go kaput. Heidi and Martin have called it quits. Of course, when you’re fucking your boss and that stops, you also lose your job. But for one shining moment, the servant got into the masters bedroom. You did all right for yourself, Martin. Now, go find some other kids with a hot mom to protect.

Photo Credit: Getty, Heidi Klum/Twitter, Instagram

Heidi Klum And Malin Akerman Love The People

By Travis January 09, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

The People’s Choice Awards aired live from Los Angeles last night on CBS, which must have been so exciting for the simple-minded folk who think that casting votes for celebrities somehow bridges the gap between the elite and their fans. The big winners of the night were Heidi Klum and Malin Akerman, who were both nominated for Favorite Pair of Partially Exposed Breasts, and wouldn’t you know it? They tied!

But for a complete list of the evening’s winners, be sure to ask your recently-divorced aunt or the unemployed hoarder who lives next door to you, because they’re the only people on Earth who would know.

Photo Credits: Apega/WENN.com

Melanie Iglesias And Lindsay Ellingson Deserve All Of The Halloween Candy

By Travis November 01, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

All I know about Melanie Iglesias is that she has appeared on some MTV show called Guy Code and she thinks that she “served” Kate Upton by dancing with her friend in revealing outfits, and I certainly appreciate the latter. But she stole the show at Heidi Klum’s Halloween party at Marquee in New York City last night with her homemade mermaid costume. A mermaid is always a great choice, because it reminds guys how much they wanted to have sex with Ariel from The Little Mermaid, even though she’s half-fish and that’s disgusting.

Victoria’s Secret model Lindsay Ellingson was also at the party, dressed as Sandy from Grease, and while that wasn’t as impressive as a mermaid with incredible seashells, it was still better than pretty much everyone except for Melanie and Heidi. Try to be more attractive next time, everyone else.

Photo Credits: Alberto Reyes/WENN.com