Photo Credit: Sharper Image
Photo Credit: Sharper Image
Howie Mandel is a freak, but he’s as inexorably bound by the compulsions of the cock and balls as the next guy. He’s going to peek at German model tits near his face. I once had a woman in an exceedingly low cut top call me out for staring at her yabbos in the produce department at a Whole Foods. I said, I’m sorry I thought I was supposed to. I tried masturbating thinking about her later that day but it just didn’t work. Why she had to go and ruin such a beautiful moment I do not know. Hey, look, my tits, no don’t look, perv. Too confusing. Put a sweater on a let me buy my six dollar avocados in peace, woman.
Photo Credit: Fame Flynet
There are so many cool things you get to do as a gay man. Not even counting Grindr and random office parking garage sex, women love to treat you as their most intimate valets. Imagine a model who’s been molested since grade school. I am right now. Suddenly, she has a full grown man who can see her naked, rub his hands on her tits as a funny, and he never ever tries to press his junk into her honeypot. That’s the dream. It’s for this very same reason I keep many attractive lesbians as my dearest friends. Though inevitably I have unsuccessfully tried to nail each and every one of them. Bruising around the face and nut area is what separates me from Heidi Klum.
Photo Credit: Heidi Klum/Instagram
A lot of gossip rags talk the talk, but none are going to reach the bar we’re setting by completely prohibiting the photographic display, written discussion, or even the mere mention of celebrity kids dressed like itty bitty hookers. Just as an example, we will no longer be talking about Heidi Klum wardrobing her ten year old daughter like she’s ready to hit the clubs in Paris and maybe take a lover. That’s so inappropriate, you won’t find that indecency here. Check People. Now give me my Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award and a cheese sandwich. God bless America.
Photo Credit: Splash
Thanks to Donald Sterling and the Duck Commander and vast swaths of sub-Saharan Africa, The AIDS gets a really bad rap. But, make no mistake, it’s an everyman’s disease. At least, you should repeat that if you ever get invited to one of these amFAR galas they schedule around the big international film festivals throughout the year. This amFAR fund raiser in Cannes had so many good looking models and actresses walking into the party, it mimicked the conquest scrapbook Leonardo DiCaprio shows everybody who dares call him a dandy. I don’t know all these world class ladies. Heidi Klum, Kylie Minogue, Nicole Scherzinger, a bunch of other girls ready to raise money to fight the scourge of The AIDS. There’s no compelling reason to compare disease galas, but let’s be totally honest, Crohn’s and Lupus can’t draw this kind of talent. The super hot girls come strong for The AIDS. As long as I keep staring at their titties, I won’t be forced to confront the irony.
Photo credit: Pacific Coast News
You can’t just want then, cougar cub, you need to say you want them. Heidi Klum has one rule when it comes to mounting the multitude of young cock she intends to ride because she’s 40 and rich and horny. You must appreciate the flapjacks. She will shove them in your face, ring the triangle and show them to the world, and even draw smiley faces on them for her children’s school carnivals. In all cases, respect the titties or get the fuck out. I’m not sure how young Frenchy is handling the supplication before his older girlfriend’s drooping yams. If he’s having an inkling to wonder why a chick with all the cash in the world wouldn’t get a 90210 light lift, he better hide it. Or the cougar moves on and you get none, son.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, AKM-GSI