Fuck yeah, America. Heidi Klum could’ve made it anywhere, but she made it here. In this country, you can kick Seal out of your bed and start banging your kids’ bodyguard and the gossip rags pen cover stories about ‘Heidi’s great romance’. Try that back in Germany and you’re off to the stalag. So count Heidi Klum among the every single damn celebrity yesterday trying to out red, white, and blue each other. Heidi probably could’ve dropped her top or stopped sheltering her money from income taxes if she really wanted to show her fealty to her adopted homeland. Maybe for Labor Day.
Word surfaced over the weekend of a drunk spat between Heidi Klum and Martin Kristen, the family bodyguard she started nailing when she could no longer pretend to look at Seal in the face during sex. We know who wins those fights. The boss wins those fights. Which is why Martin was seen today toting Heidi’s shopping bags as the reunited couple strolled through some N.Y.C. stores. And why after a few good shtups of a hot model whose panties drawer he had probably inspected a thousand times, Martin ought to have moved on to a woman who doesn’t sign his paycheck. Yeah, that’s me, giving advice to a guy who’s banging Heidi Klum.
Yeah, Europeans are liberal about flashing their boobs. The beach, the parks, various and sundry horribly boring movies. But sometimes they just get totally out of tit control. Like this ardent group of feminist activists who show up at public events and flash their angry udders covered in obscure messages that don’t translate properly to English. Heidi Klum got the treatment during the big grand finale of Germany’s Next Top Model. I’m not even sure what the horror is this fierce chick is protesting. Maybe she’s just sick of nobody in the press paying attention to the fact that Heidi started banging her kids’ bodyguard while under her employ. More likely it has something to do with one of the things that really piss women off. Like fur or reproductive rights or their guys thinking about Heidi Klum when having sex with them. Oh, the horror.
Photo credit: Getty
Sometimes I wake up in night with this recurring fear that I’m the only person in the world who gives a shit that Heidi Klum started fucking her kids’ bodyguard while she was married to Seal. Okay, maybe Seal is the other guy who gives a shit. But even he’s probably ten models past giving a shit about anything Heidi did. Heidi’s P.R. team put a full-court press on the celebrity kiss ass magazines which barely covered the story, if at all. Yeah, you’re aloud to ditch your husband and take up with another dude. But when that other dude is one of your kids’ caretakers, that’s a fucking story. Jude Law took a reaming for banging the nanny. Because it’s cheap and cheesy and the kind of shit I would do. Probably you too. But when Heidi Klum does it, it should’ve been noted.
Here’s Heidi showing off her boobs on the red carpet. I can see why she’d cause a man violate his Super Sacred Celebrity Bodyguard Oath.
Photo Credit: Getty, Splash
As Mother’s Day was on Sunday, it was a great opportunity for many female celebrities to pat themselves on the back for getting laid, making it no different than any other day of the year. But for Heidi Klum, it was a chance to remind the world that she has fired four kids out of her moneymaker and she still looks incredible. Heidi Tweeted the above pic to tell everyone that she was having the “best Mother’s Day ever”, and some people think that Heidi’s hyperbole is a shot at her ex-husband, Seal, but I think it’s actually directed at her kids.
After all, Heidi’s a world-famous, wealthy supermodel who has been adorned with exclusively elegant clothes and jewelry over her career, and her kids keep giving her stupid macaroni necklaces. “What is this bullshit,” she probably asks in her sexy accent, before reminding them that daddy left because of them.
Wow, I feel like such a shitheel. Okay, yeah, son Henry did make it back to shore on his own okay during the harrowing Klum family Hawaiian vacation nightmare, but the nannies were in danger! Specifically one chunky nanny who’s not such a strong swimmer. A nanny for whom both Heidi and her former bodyguard turned Teutonic clitoral flicker both leapt into the raging knee deep waters of the mighty Pacific to rescue. And we have the photo proof! This is so exciting. Like when my Aunt Eve almost choked on a ham bone three Easters ago. And not just a tiny broken off bone bit. I mean the whole pig haunch femur. Aunt Eve loves a good dare. But nothing compared to the excitement and heroism on display from Heidi Klum. She got so chest proud from her rescue, her nipple popped out of her bikini. That’s serious pride.
It should be noted that unlike how she treats some of her household staff, Heidi did not fuck her nanny after the bold rescue.
Photo credit: AKM/GSI