Heidi Klum doesn’t eat bacon. Or burgers. Or drink Jim Beam. But she’s been going around saying she does which still totally qualifies her to serve as blonde pimp for the new bacon-packed Carl’s Jr. Jim Beam Bourbon Burger. And why people give a rat’s ass whether or not she actually eats her entire month’s allotment of calories in one mighty-tasty sounding burger I don’t know. Does Captain Kirk really use Priceline? Does Michael Jordan really wear low-budget Hanes undershirts? I don’t give a fuck and I could care less, respectively. Do I want the product? Yes, I want a fucking burger that tastes like bacon and booze and will make me experience the rush of ten millions years of male domination. More importantly, I want to eat that arterial assassin while watching Heidi Klum in lingerie pretending to be a hot mom seducing a young man with a dripping hunk of beef.
Nobody gave a crap that supermodel Heidi Klum had allegedly been cheating on Seal, her husband of seven years, with her bodyguard and current boyfriend, because she’s 39-years old and still looks better than 99% of the women on this planet. And her vagina might as well be the gates to Heaven, because Seal only just started dating again and his new girlfriend is so average that nobody gives a crap who she is or what show she’s on.
It took five hours after the Oscars began last night to finally see a worthwhile site, even more thrilling than all the tributes of Hollywood to their dead — Heidi Klum flashing her model makers and dominating every girl who came before her at the Elton John AIDS Foundation afterparty, including Elton John who shrank away at the site of the German model-multimillionaire looking so fucking Valkyrie and chest proud.
Watch as Heidi prances like a peahen, putting fear into the hearts of the smaller, like Miley Cyrus, the smaller and fatter, like The Kardashians, and even some chick whose name we don’t even know.
Heidi Klum dumped Seal, is banging her bodyguard, and made something like 30 million dollars last year. Now, she’s just going to rub it in your face and you will fucking bow down.
Heidi Klum is awesome but goofy, so when you date her, you don’t get to just bang her all day long. You have to do all that nerdy stuff that girls consider fun because girls are idiots, like get your face-painted at street fairs and wear increasingly complicated and ridiculous Halloween costumes every year.
Her new boyfriend Martin Kristen found this out at Disney California Adventure when she had him take a picture that made them look like they lived in the old west. So if you’re a friend of Martin Kristen, be sure to call him a fag the next time you see him and make the “pussy whipped” sound where you pretend to crack a whip.
Pretty much the first thing Seal did after it was announced that he and Heidi Klum were getting a divorce was go on the Ellen DeGeneres show (with his wedding ring still on) and sing ‘Let’s Stay Together’.
Then there was talk that maybe Klum didn’t really want a divorce but she had to do something drastic to convince him to go to counseling for his temper, and then last night she was out with her wedding ring on too.
So what the hell? Are they separating or not? If I had anything better to do with my time and this nonsense was keeping me from it, I would be outraged.