Heidi Klum revealed that she taps her mom with the responsibility of snapping her half-naked Instagram photos. Nobody really knows their kids body better than a parent I suppose, in some creepy kind of way I’d prefer not to think about. Someday, I’d like to have kids that grow up to ask me to take racy photos of them to post on social media outlets. So I can say no fucking way then send them to their room for being automaton fame whores. Unless there was real money to be had, naturally.
Photo Credit: Heidi Klum/Instagram
If there’s one thing that Heidi Klum loves more than being a world famous super model earning more money in a month than most people in Detroit will earn in their lives, it’s almost showing her tits on Twitter. But as I’ve become quite the fan of her semi-nude efforts in entertaining her 1.6 million followers, I’ve found myself wondering why she never shows her nipples and if she even has nipples at all.
And for that matter, why has she never pleasured herself in a hot tub? I’m afraid until I see pictures of either, I’m just going to continue thinking that Heidi is a fraud.
You can always tell when a woman’s having lots of sex because they start Tweeting body part pictures of themselves. Women aren’t much different than men. They feel good about themselves when getting laid. If Twitter allowed it and anybody gave a shit, dudes who were knocking serious boot would be posting their dick pics all the time. Heidi Klum tweeted her ass from the Bahamas where she spent the long weekend having crazy vacation sex with her kids’ bodyguard. When a woman has sand in her vagina and her first thought is, somebody take a picture of my ass, she’s definitely feeling groovy.
Here’s Heidi in a couple bikinis in the Bahamas. She did her hair in braids either to mimic Bo Derek in 10 or the three fat underemployed 20-something girls who sit on my apartment stoop smoking cloves. Probably Bo Derek.
Photo Credit: PCN
Fuck yeah, America. Heidi Klum could’ve made it anywhere, but she made it here. In this country, you can kick Seal out of your bed and start banging your kids’ bodyguard and the gossip rags pen cover stories about ‘Heidi’s great romance’. Try that back in Germany and you’re off to the stalag. So count Heidi Klum among the every single damn celebrity yesterday trying to out red, white, and blue each other. Heidi probably could’ve dropped her top or stopped sheltering her money from income taxes if she really wanted to show her fealty to her adopted homeland. Maybe for Labor Day.
Word surfaced over the weekend of a drunk spat between Heidi Klum and Martin Kristen, the family bodyguard she started nailing when she could no longer pretend to look at Seal in the face during sex. We know who wins those fights. The boss wins those fights. Which is why Martin was seen today toting Heidi’s shopping bags as the reunited couple strolled through some N.Y.C. stores. And why after a few good shtups of a hot model whose panties drawer he had probably inspected a thousand times, Martin ought to have moved on to a woman who doesn’t sign his paycheck. Yeah, that’s me, giving advice to a guy who’s banging Heidi Klum.