Wow, I feel like such a shitheel. Okay, yeah, son Henry did make it back to shore on his own okay during the harrowing Klum family Hawaiian vacation nightmare, but the nannies were in danger! Specifically one chunky nanny who’s not such a strong swimmer. A nanny for whom both Heidi and her former bodyguard turned Teutonic clitoral flicker both leapt into the raging knee deep waters of the mighty Pacific to rescue. And we have the photo proof! This is so exciting. Like when my Aunt Eve almost choked on a ham bone three Easters ago. And not just a tiny broken off bone bit. I mean the whole pig haunch femur. Aunt Eve loves a good dare. But nothing compared to the excitement and heroism on display from Heidi Klum. She got so chest proud from her rescue, her nipple popped out of her bikini. That’s serious pride.
It should be noted that unlike how she treats some of her household staff, Heidi did not fuck her nanny after the bold rescue.
Heidi Klum is riding high on stories that she saved her seven year old son from drowning in a riptide in Hawaii on their current blended family vacation. She even threw a nod to the heroism of her former bodyguard she’s now shtupping.
Henry, was swept away in a large riptide along with two nannies. Klum, 39, and her bodyguard boyfriend Martin Kirsten sprang to action and saved the trio from drowning. — US Weekly
Yeah, poor little Henry. But, wait, because in an afterthought, Klum mentions:
Henry is a strong swimmer and was able to swim back to land.
So… you didn’t actually save him from drowning. You dismounted your bodyguard and sprang into action by bitching at Henry to swim back to the shore. It’s like those dudes safely on the boat in Jaws yelling at teens in the water to ‘swim!’ saying they rescued them from a killer shark. Yeah, thanks for the insightful advice, lightly-involved bystanders, err, mom and dude who used to keep us safe but who’s now boning mom so we almost drowned.
Heidi managed get in a plug for her upcoming appearance on America’s Got Talent, so pretending to save her son’s life worked out well for everybody. Scheiße!
Heidi Klum doesn’t eat bacon. Or burgers. Or drink Jim Beam. But she’s been going around saying she does which still totally qualifies her to serve as blonde pimp for the new bacon-packed Carl’s Jr. Jim Beam Bourbon Burger. And why people give a rat’s ass whether or not she actually eats her entire month’s allotment of calories in one mighty-tasty sounding burger I don’t know. Does Captain Kirk really use Priceline? Does Michael Jordan really wear low-budget Hanes undershirts? I don’t give a fuck and I could care less, respectively. Do I want the product? Yes, I want a fucking burger that tastes like bacon and booze and will make me experience the rush of ten millions years of male domination. More importantly, I want to eat that arterial assassin while watching Heidi Klum in lingerie pretending to be a hot mom seducing a young man with a dripping hunk of beef.
Nobody gave a crap that supermodel Heidi Klum had allegedly been cheating on Seal, her husband of seven years, with her bodyguard and current boyfriend, because she’s 39-years old and still looks better than 99% of the women on this planet. And her vagina might as well be the gates to Heaven, because Seal only just started dating again and his new girlfriend is so average that nobody gives a crap who she is or what show she’s on.
It took five hours after the Oscars began last night to finally see a worthwhile site, even more thrilling than all the tributes of Hollywood to their dead — Heidi Klum flashing her model makers and dominating every girl who came before her at the Elton John AIDS Foundation afterparty, including Elton John who shrank away at the site of the German model-multimillionaire looking so fucking Valkyrie and chest proud.
Watch as Heidi prances like a peahen, putting fear into the hearts of the smaller, like Miley Cyrus, the smaller and fatter, like The Kardashians, and even some chick whose name we don’t even know.
Heidi Klum dumped Seal, is banging her bodyguard, and made something like 30 million dollars last year. Now, she’s just going to rub it in your face and you will fucking bow down.
Heidi Klum is awesome but goofy, so when you date her, you don’t get to just bang her all day long. You have to do all that nerdy stuff that girls consider fun because girls are idiots, like get your face-painted at street fairs and wear increasingly complicated and ridiculous Halloween costumes every year.
Her new boyfriend Martin Kristen found this out at Disney California Adventure when she had him take a picture that made them look like they lived in the old west. So if you’re a friend of Martin Kristen, be sure to call him a fag the next time you see him and make the “pussy whipped” sound where you pretend to crack a whip.