Heidi Klum made this video in preparation for the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, set to air on CBS on December 4th, and it's the most solid evidence yet that hot chicks can do whatever they want. If she was ugly and acted this goofy, guys would have told her to shut the hell up long ago. If this were high school and the tubby goth chick was doing this, I'd tease her until she killed herself and that would be that. But it's Heidi Klum. She could spend the entire video with charts and graphs explaining why Seals big black cock puts mine to shame, but as long as she did it in a bra, I'd sit here with my chin in the palms of my hands like a lovesick teen, sighing deeply and with cartoon hearts for eyes. 

Heidi Klum wore a super hot dress to the Victorias Secret Fashion Show after party last night, but it's still not slutty enough.  That dress asks you to use your imagination, and since the internet can show you anything anywhere at any time, my imagination has been worn down to a nub from lack of practice. If I was a cartoon, and you could get a close up of my brain, it wouldn't show a mouse sprinting in a wheel, it would show a donkey asleep on his back and with his feet up in the air. Asking me to use my imagination to masturbate is like asking me to build a log cabin. I know people used to do that kind of thing, but I wouldn't even know how to start.



For like the fifth year in a row, Heidi Klum absolutely owns Halloween.  Last year it was this.  The year before, this.  I'd like to see her dress more slutty, because I like girls who are slutty, but she's pretty much the only one in Hollywood who isn't scuured to get real goofy on Halloween.  All these other bitches are so stuck up and full of themselves, they act like it's beneath them.  Like when I was making those hard core sex tapes with Jessica Alba, and I asked her to dress up like JonBenet Ramsey.  After.  And she said that was weird.  Well la-di-da, your majesty!  A thousand pardons, your highness!