Sometimes I wake up in night with this recurring fear that I’m the only person in the world who gives a shit that Heidi Klum started fucking her kids’ bodyguard while she was married to Seal. Okay, maybe Seal is the other guy who gives a shit. But even he’s probably ten models past giving a shit about anything Heidi did. Heidi’s P.R. team put a full-court press on the celebrity kiss ass magazines which barely covered the story, if at all. Yeah, you’re aloud to ditch your husband and take up with another dude. But when that other dude is one of your kids’ caretakers, that’s a fucking story. Jude Law took a reaming for banging the nanny. Because it’s cheap and cheesy and the kind of shit I would do. Probably you too. But when Heidi Klum does it, it should’ve been noted.
Here’s Heidi showing off her boobs on the red carpet. I can see why she’d cause a man violate his Super Sacred Celebrity Bodyguard Oath.
As Mother’s Day was on Sunday, it was a great opportunity for many female celebrities to pat themselves on the back for getting laid, making it no different than any other day of the year. But for Heidi Klum, it was a chance to remind the world that she has fired four kids out of her moneymaker and she still looks incredible. Heidi Tweeted the above pic to tell everyone that she was having the “best Mother’s Day ever”, and some people think that Heidi’s hyperbole is a shot at her ex-husband, Seal, but I think it’s actually directed at her kids.
After all, Heidi’s a world-famous, wealthy supermodel who has been adorned with exclusively elegant clothes and jewelry over her career, and her kids keep giving her stupid macaroni necklaces. “What is this bullshit,” she probably asks in her sexy accent, before reminding them that daddy left because of them.
Wow, I feel like such a shitheel. Okay, yeah, son Henry did make it back to shore on his own okay during the harrowing Klum family Hawaiian vacation nightmare, but the nannies were in danger! Specifically one chunky nanny who’s not such a strong swimmer. A nanny for whom both Heidi and her former bodyguard turned Teutonic clitoral flicker both leapt into the raging knee deep waters of the mighty Pacific to rescue. And we have the photo proof! This is so exciting. Like when my Aunt Eve almost choked on a ham bone three Easters ago. And not just a tiny broken off bone bit. I mean the whole pig haunch femur. Aunt Eve loves a good dare. But nothing compared to the excitement and heroism on display from Heidi Klum. She got so chest proud from her rescue, her nipple popped out of her bikini. That’s serious pride.
It should be noted that unlike how she treats some of her household staff, Heidi did not fuck her nanny after the bold rescue.
Heidi Klum is riding high on stories that she saved her seven year old son from drowning in a riptide in Hawaii on their current blended family vacation. She even threw a nod to the heroism of her former bodyguard she’s now shtupping.
Henry, was swept away in a large riptide along with two nannies. Klum, 39, and her bodyguard boyfriend Martin Kirsten sprang to action and saved the trio from drowning. — US Weekly
Yeah, poor little Henry. But, wait, because in an afterthought, Klum mentions:
Henry is a strong swimmer and was able to swim back to land.
So… you didn’t actually save him from drowning. You dismounted your bodyguard and sprang into action by bitching at Henry to swim back to the shore. It’s like those dudes safely on the boat in Jaws yelling at teens in the water to ‘swim!’ saying they rescued them from a killer shark. Yeah, thanks for the insightful advice, lightly-involved bystanders, err, mom and dude who used to keep us safe but who’s now boning mom so we almost drowned.
Heidi managed get in a plug for her upcoming appearance on America’s Got Talent, so pretending to save her son’s life worked out well for everybody. Scheiße!
Heidi Klum doesn’t eat bacon. Or burgers. Or drink Jim Beam. But she’s been going around saying she does which still totally qualifies her to serve as blonde pimp for the new bacon-packed Carl’s Jr. Jim Beam Bourbon Burger. And why people give a rat’s ass whether or not she actually eats her entire month’s allotment of calories in one mighty-tasty sounding burger I don’t know. Does Captain Kirk really use Priceline? Does Michael Jordan really wear low-budget Hanes undershirts? I don’t give a fuck and I could care less, respectively. Do I want the product? Yes, I want a fucking burger that tastes like bacon and booze and will make me experience the rush of ten millions years of male domination. More importantly, I want to eat that arterial assassin while watching Heidi Klum in lingerie pretending to be a hot mom seducing a young man with a dripping hunk of beef.
Nobody gave a crap that supermodel Heidi Klum had allegedly been cheating on Seal, her husband of seven years, with her bodyguard and current boyfriend, because she’s 39-years old and still looks better than 99% of the women on this planet. And her vagina might as well be the gates to Heaven, because Seal only just started dating again and his new girlfriend is so average that nobody gives a crap who she is or what show she’s on.